- Member Since 9th Apr, 2014
- offline last seen April 6th
Natura
I write and make things in photoshop. That just about covers it.
Natura
Joined 9th Apr, 2014 ·
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Nice chapter. I think this story is great. My I offer some suggestions for future chapters. Include a bit of Fluttershy and Jackle Romance. Also in the next chapters see if the two guards, can't find out more about what the past guards did in the east side, and see about fixing it.
4844184 Thanks! And as for romance i'm not sure who is going to get some but someone will.
4844373 Okay. Good luck.
Wow. Epic battle. I hope this will help ponies opinions of the guard. Great job with this chapter. I hope everything goes well with future chapters.
Nice chapter. I like how there task have changed from ponyville to the elements. Jackel is going to need a quick recovery though to keep up with Rainbow Dash. Maybe she can help him recover.
i knew it!
I can't belief this has not gotten more reads this is good stuff
4920561 Thanks! The earlier chapters could be better in my opinion. I may rewrite them when I finish the story.
Yeah. Jackel is up. I loved this chapter. I can't wait to read the next one. Good luck writing it.
Nice chapter. I enjoyed reading it. Good luck with the next one.
it would be easier if no one knew we were there to give us the advantage if someone were to attack them” | to give them the advantage?
“ Yeah alright lets go” | Might need a comma after Yeah
That's what I think is wrong, not an English teacher.
I hate to say it but you might want to go back over this chapter and work on your wording and capitalization a bit. Also, Italics would be a good way to set the letter apart from the rest of the story. I had been keeping track of things that I felt were either slightly off or could be worded better, if you would like I can either pm or post here my suggestions. If not, I guess I'll be doing it for fun.
5002410 Huh that's strange. I actually did put the letter in italics but it changed back to normal. I will fix that. Thanks for the constructive criticism it helps me improve as a writer!
5002456 I managed to finish more suggestions on some of the things you might change, don't know how to get it to you though.
5004531 You can post them on the comments section I don't mind criticism.
5006722 If you insist,
Suggestions:
Twilight must have teleported all of us a very talented feat. (Twilight must have teleported all of us, an impressive feat)
Slowly carrying him into the stretcher (Slowly placing him onto the stretcher)
am distracted by my thoughts by a hoof on my shoulder. (am distracted from my thoughts)
Straining slightly I get up the pain in my chest flaring. I see Twilight and Fluttershy both being hugged by Pinkie, her eyes had gone dull with tears slowly leaking from them. (I get up, the pain in my chest flaring. I see Twilight and Fluttershy both being comforted by Pinkie, despite clearly being in great distress herself)
They both seemed relatively unharmed except from a few scratches and both their manes being ruined. ( and their manes being ruined)
Across from them were Rainbow Dash and Scootaloo both being seen to. Rainbow was having her wing fixed and checked. A unicorn could fix the break relatively easily. Her neck was craned over watching Scootaloo to see if she was okay. Scootaloo’s face had now been cleared up revealing a deep red cut,Somehow she was still conscious and the doctor seeing to her was giving her some sort of injection. Most likely some sort of adrenaline in case she had a concussion. (Rainbow was having her broken wing examined by one of the unicorn doctors, who assured her it was an easy fix. She was watching Scootaloo closely to see if she was okay. After her face had been thoroughly cleaned off, a deep red cut could be seen across it, I'm amazed the poor girl is still conscious. The doctors appear to be giving her something to keep her awake and aware in case of a concussion, most likely adrenaline.)
However the two that caught his eye were the apple family. AppleBloom sat in AppleJack’s lap asleep her small chest heaving slightly with each breath as her eyes fluttered. AppleJack herself was still her eyes red but no tears fell from them. I slowly limp over to them. (However, the two that stood out the most were the Apple siblings. Applebloom was asleep in her sister's lap, her small chest rising and falling with each breath as her eyes fluttered. Applejack herself sat still, her puffy red eyes long since run out of tears.)
“Hey AppleJack” I say softly. She looks up at me with her big emerald eyes. I wasn’t very good at this type of situation.(was never very good in this type of situation) “ How are you doing?” I say (ask) awkwardly. I grunt as she hugs me without any warning(I grunted as she pulls me into a powerful hug without warning). She doesn’t say anything(,) just hugs me. At first I’m surprised but I slowly return the hug laying my head against hers in silence.
I see her eyes have closed and she is sleeping soundly. (I discover that she had fallen asleep some time during the hug.)
Sighing in relief I put her down laying her carefully down next to AppleBloom.(With a sigh of relief, I carefully lay her down next to her sister who had managed to slide off her lap during the hug.)
AppleJack’s hoof (automatically goes, finds its way) around AppleBloom and pulls her close (against her,can be removed) as a small smile graces her face. I let myself have a small smile as well and sit down next to them.(I find that a small smile has made its way onto my face as I take a seat next to them)
Despite the mask of emotionless feeling he wore on his face(Despite the calmness displayed on his face)
However I could tell he wanted AppleJack back to the farm where he could keep an eye on her and AppleBloom.(I could tell he wanted his sisters back on the farm where he could keep an eye one them)
Long ago he lost his parents to a situation similar to this but with a manticore instead of a Deathclaw.(Long ago he lost his parents in a similar situation with a manticore)
When they were placed safely Mac gave me a look of sorrow and a nod of thanks and stepped out into the sodden and wet ground outside heading for home. (After they had been safely placed on this back, Mac gave me a sorrowful look and a nod of thanks as he stepped out onto the soft, wet ground to make his way home.)
Like with Macintosh, me, Jackle and Spike had become friends over the many times we had seen him wandering around town or when we had been to the library. (Like Macintosh, the three of us had a friendship that had blossomed over the many times we had seen him wondering around the town or during visits to the library.)
Next Rarity left with Sweetie Belle hugging everyone including me before she left, giving words of encouragement. (The next to leave were Rarity and Sweetie Belle after giving everyone a quick hug and a few words of encouragement.)
Then Fluttershy who was practically catatonic left with Pinkie supporting her both giving me a tentative whispered goodbye. (Fluttershy, who was practically catatonic, and Pinkie were the last two to leave with tentatively whispered goodbyes as Pinkie supported her friend as they made their way home.)
I stepped outside slowly my chest still hurting but it was manageable. (I made my way outside, my chest still sore from the encounter.)
The sky was still slate grey. It occurred to me how ironic that was. The weather perfectly matched the day. (Despite how long I had spent in the hospital the sky was still slate gray, how fitting that the weather matched how the day felt.)
Sighing I began the walk home not bothering to react to the stares I got as I walked past the less wealthy areas. (With a heavy sigh, I began the long walk home, ignoring the stares that followed me as I walked passed the less wealthy areas.)
When I got back to what I called home I tried to sleep but not knowing if Jackle was going to survive plagued my mind. (After arriving at what could only be described as home, I decided I would try to sleep. Unfortunately, thoughts of whether or not Jackle would survive made the task impossible.)
Scowling I got up from bed and began pacing, I don’t know how long I was doing it but the next time I looked up it was now almost midday. (Scowling, I clambered out of bed and began pacing around my home. Unaware of how much time I spent doing so, I soon found that midday was soon approaching.)
Sighing I made my way downstairs to fix something up to eat. Luckily I was on break today so I wouldn't have to work anyway. I figured I would check on Jackle and then check on everyone else to see how they were doing. (With a heavy heart I make my way downstairs in order to make something to eat. Luckily today was a day off so I wasn't required to work. I thought I would check on Jackle and then see how everyone else was doing.)
When I visited their(there) were often other’s(others) there. Jackle’s calm and approachable demeanor had led him to becoming popular and it seemed as if the whole town was worried about him.(was concerned about his health) I often saw the elements there as well. They all visited at least once in the four days.(They all had visited him at least once during that four day period.)
We also visited Scootaloo. She had a concussion and had twenty five stitches to stitch up the large wound on her head. Luckily it would be covered by her mane when it grew back as the doctors had to remove a portion of it. (While I was there, I learned that they were visiting Scootaloo as well. She was fortunate to get out of the incident with only a concussion and a large gash across her head that took twenty-five stitches to close up. She happily informed us that it would be covered up when her hair returned to normal length.)
A train to canterlot has been arranged and will arrive at 8.00 AM on that day. (A seat for you has been arranged for you on the 8 AM train to Canterlot the day of the meeting.)
Hoping you are well (Need a comma)
I groaned slightly(internally,) the last thing I needed was more publicity about the event but I had to go. Sighing(try to find a different word, try grumbling here) I sat the letter down and went about my day. Tomorrow came to(o) quickly and I was soon aboard the train for Canterlot. The whole town knew what had happened and all gave me looks of sympathy without talking to me. Not that I minded as I settled down into a seat and prepared for the three hour long trip to canterlot. (Everyone I passed on the way to the station looked upon me with sympathy. As the train left, I looked back on the town as I settled into a seat and prepared for the long trip to Canterlot.)
As I walked into the city I got even more stares. A few were from the snobby and snot nosed residents of Canterlot who looked at me with indifference. But the majority were from the guard, The cutie mark along my side was like a spotlight.
(As I walked into the city, I once again found myself the center of attention. A few of the looks came from some of those snobby, snot-nosed residents of Canterlot which quickly became a look of indifference. A majority of the looks though, came from the guards that I passed as I made my way through the city. It was as if my cutie mark suddenly became a spotlight that followed me through the streets.)
News travelled like a wildfire in the guard society and cryptic looks were shared between the guards as I passed. Non spoke out however and a few even let their faces fall into a sympathetic look. (None attempted to speak to me but a few let a look of sympathy show on their usually stone-like faces.)
The guard barracks were(was) where I was trained. Harsh memories of rigorous activities to make me into a guard had happened behind those walls. However the damp mustiness I smelt when(as) I stepped inside was a(one) smell(don't need) I had grown to love. This building dealt with all the guards stationed everywhere in Equestria. (This building at one point housed every guard stationed though out Equestria.)
An attack like this on a guard was very rare. Unless a war was going on(,) which had not happened in years(,) there was only one guard fatality per year. Most of those were accidents and murder was virtually unheard of in pony society. For a guard to be attacked like this would have severe repercussions around the country. (Don't have a suggestion but you might want to reword this.)
I thanked Sharp Eye in my mind for arranging the meeting now. He was at the same rank as Shining Armour the famous prince of the Crystal Empire was in the military. He was a bit old for active duty and instead trained guards who passed through Canterlot. I knew him to be stern but fair and he had a kind heart unlike the other training instructors. (I found myself thankful that it was Sharp Eye that had arranged the meeting. He has the same rank as, the now Prince of the Crystal Empire, Shining Armor when he was in the military. His age kept him from active duty so he instead focused his efforts on training the guards that passed through Canterlot. He is a person that I know to be stern but fair despite his kind heart, unlike the other training instructors here.)
I walked briskly to office 1C6 just a few minutes early on the time. (I quickly made my way to office 1C6 with a few minutes to spare.)
After a few moments a voice that sounded like steel being grated came from the inside “Enter” (I have no suggestion here but “like steel being grated” sounds weird)
I did so opening the door into the small but comfortable office. On a chair behind the desk sat the pony himself. He was an earth pony with gray eyes like me, His mane was marine blue and his coat was rust orange. Despite his old and wrinkled visage he was limber and moved like a pony half his age as he rose. (As I open the door I find myself in a small but comfortable office, in a chair behind the desk sat the pony himself, Sharp Eye. He is an earth pony with gray eyes , much like mine. He sports and marine blue mane with a rust orange coat. Despite his old, wrinkled visage, he was very flexible and moved in ways that made him seem half his age.)
“Quill, Glad you could make it. I know this must be hard for you.” Sharp Eye said. He had lost friends as well in his long career and had drooped the formalities as well. (Quill, glad you could make it, I know this must be hard for you” Sharp Eye said, dropping all formalities. He has lost many friends in his long career as well.
I did so seating myself opposite him settling into the hard chair. (I took the seat opposite of him, a plain hardwood chair.
“I know you want to be here for as little time as possible so just tell me everything that happened on that day” He asked me his voice surprisingly soft.
(I know you want your visit here to be as brief as possible so just tell me everything that happen on the day in question.)
It was a recorder. powered by unicorn magic they were a recent invention that proved useful in capturing confessions of criminals. (It was a recorder powered by unicorn magic, a recent invention that has proved useful in capturing criminal confessions.)
I went through the story telling him of the late call by AppleJack, Then of the frantic dash through the forest finding the fillies and the battle that followed. Finally I reluctantly recounted the injuries Jackle had sustained. Throughout the entire explanation Sharp Eye cut in with several questions. (I started off by telling him about the late night visit from Applejack followed by the frantic dash into the Everfree Forest and of the battle that came up when we found them. Finally I recounted the injuries that Jackle had sustained during the encounter. Though out the re-telling of the days events, Sharp Eye stopped me from time to time with questions pertaining to certain details.)
“But the princesses overruled the statement. I don’t why they did it but Jackle can leave Ponyville if he wants to but we can’t force him out” (The Princesses overturned our decision, I don't know why they did this but Jackle will not be forced to leave his post.)
I sighed in relief my heart my heart beating fast at the prospect of him being thrown out. (I let out a breath I didn't know I was holding, my heart beating fast at the prospect of him being recalled.)
“You may go now Quill all I can offer you are my condolences, But when I was in training with Jackle I knew the kid was quiet but he had a heart like no one else he’ll be fine” Sharp Eye said the familiar rustiness returning to his voice. (You may go now Quill, all I can offer you at this point are my condolences. Know this, while I was training Jackle he may have been quiet but he had a heart that was like no one before him.)
I hadn't probably spoken to anyone in four days and having this conversation helped. (I had yet to speak to anyone about this so having this conversation helped.)
The corridor was now full of ponies who(,) like everyone else(,) looked at me.
Wanting to be out of here as fast as possible.
I exited the barracks and moved through town fast but not overly speedy. I soon made it to the train station with time to spare. I sat down waiting for the train to arrive. (Wanting to be out of here as fast as possible, I exited the barracks and moved though town at a brisk pace that soon brought me the train station with time to spare.)
Soon boredom set in as I waited. I was getting sleepy and my eyes were half lidded. Suddenly out of the corner of my eye I saw a shape moving in the darkness. A face flashed and was quickly gone. I jumped up searching for the face but it was gone. Had that been? No what would Princess Luna have been doing here? Putting it down to a illusion I shook my head as the train came around the corner. I entered and soon enough he train rumbled back to Ponyville.
(Boredom quickly set in and I soon found myself falling asleep. Out of the corner of my eye I see a shape move in the darkness, a quick flash of a face is all I get before the figure is gone. I jump up in order to search for the figure but it was long gone. Could that have been? No, what would Princess Luna be doing away from the castle? Brushing it off as a trick of the light, I shook the thought from my head as the train pulled up to the station. Soon after I made my way onto the train, it roared to life and made its way back to Ponyville.)
“Then I had that dream that you had with Luna. I think it was probably similar to yours” Quill said finishing the explanation. (“Then I had the same dream as you did with Luna, despite the differences” Quill said as he reached the end of his explanation.)
Over the course of the explanation the pair were now close to the site where the picnic was. All the main six plus the CMC and spike were there. To Jackle’s eyes it looked like they were worse for wear but they all looked neat and didn’t seem to be in distress. (As he finished his explanation the pair found themselves nearing the picnic site finding that all of the Elements there along with the CMC and Spike. To Jackle's eyes they didn't appear worse for wear, in fact they all looked quite well and didn't appear to be in any distress.
The first to see them coming was obviously Pinkie. She (eagerly) pointed (with a hoof)(not needed) towards the duo (and)causing everyone (to) got(get) up and flew/galloped(head) towards them. everyone(capitalize) was asking (proceeded to start asking) questions when they arrived and it was all a little too much (to bear) to take in. After a few seconds of noise Quill whistled silencing everyone. Well almost everyone. (After a few moments, Quill whistled in order silence everyone... well almost everyone.)
“And then I was like oatmeal are you crazy?” Pinkie said after everyone else had stopped. (And then I was like 'oatmeal, are you crazy?'”)
“What, Every other author is doing it so why shouldn't the one writing this not have to? She said. (What, every other author is using this joke so why shouldn't the one writing this not.)
“Alright listen. Yes Jackle is here, Yes he is injured and yes he is fine for the moment.” Quill said addressing everyone. (Alright... listen: yes, Jackle is here; yes, he is injured and yes he is fine for the moment,” Quill said addressing everyone.
The CMC and spike(Spike) played some games making sure to take it easy because Scootaloo was still hurt. The older ponies gossiped and ate(,) everyone taking time to speak with Jackle.
Twilight had a conversation that somehow ended up on the fine workings on the details of hooke’s(Hooke's) law(Law,). Something that Jackle had never even heard of.
Rarity too thanked him and then asked how the room was in the hospital. When I told her how drab it was being Rarity she made a dramatic scene saying it was now her mission to make the hospital “Fabulous”. Pinkie asked if he wanted a “ Not dead yet” party to which he politely declined. Fluttershy spent the longest with him thanking him for saving her directly. Despite the fact neither of them talked that much they had a nice conversation in the late afternoon sun.
(Rarity thanked him as well before asking how the room in the hospital was. When I told her how drab it was being who she is mad a dramatic scene saying it was now her mission to make the hospital “Fabulous”. Pinkie asked asked him if he wanted a “Not Dead Yet” party, to which he politely declined. Fluttershy, who spent the longest talking to him, kept thanking him for saving her directly. Despite the fact that not much was said after the initial thanking, they had a nice conversation in the late afternoon sun.
It was nice to see that while everyone was affected they were recovering and the incident hadn’t scared them permanently. (It was nice to see that despite all that had happened everyone was recovering nicely and that they hadn't been permanently effected.)
5006960 Thanks for taking the time to do that. Changes will be made accordingly.
I guess Jackle will be proven wrong. Good luck with the next chapter. Great chapter.
OHHHHHH!!!!! I think Quill is out cold. Great chapter. I can't wait for the next one.
Nice chapter. I think Rarity and Rainbow are being too hard on Quill. Anyway, while I prefer longer chapters, I would prefer getting updates more frequently more. Good luck with the next chapters. This is going to be good.
5036130 I don't know if I made it clear enough but it is implied that Rarity and Rainbow are joking when they walk off with a smile. Glad you are still enjoying the story!
Words like that will always be proven wrong
Ouch!
That was nice. I liked it. I can't wait to read how this story will progress. Good luck.
Nice chapter. I think you did a great job. I can't wait to read Rainbow's reaction to those tickets.
he change was subtle and Applejack thought she was the only one who had knew. | Knew needs to be noticed
She didn’t mind it, In fact Applejack | lower case "i" in "In"
But it just a bit odd. But she was probably was just overreacting.| "It seemed a bit odd but she thought she might be overreacting a bit" or something similar.
ah’ll get Granny Smith | Capitalization
This gave Quill an opportunity, but only a quick one. | Try "however brief it may be " or something similar.
Mr Quill | Mr. or your can spell it out "Mister"
“ So what are you three doing today” | Need a question mark due to it not continuing.
“ Yep. Told you it would be nice and simple.” | Can use a comma instead of a period.
Coupled with his injury his body soon fell asleep. | "he was soon lulled to sleep" or something similar.
This is what I primarily had problems with, wording is still a bit awkward to me but it's not my story so as usual these are only suggestions.
Happy Birthday!
5122359 Thanks
5122318 I have noticed I do tend to use odd or awkward wordings but I will try to improve!
Will Quill and Jackie get together!?
That just screwed those two over. I can't wait to see the shenanigans in Cloudsdale. Good luck with the next chapter. It seems like it will be a good one.
Nice chapter. I like how they got Sislia to eat. The stomach is always honest. Great job. Good luck with the next chapter.
Great chapter. I approve. Now we see what happens next. I wonder what what Quill is going to do to help Sislia recover.
Great chapter. I like how Jackel was able to help Fluttershy and Rainbow escape. I can't wait to see what happens next. Thanks for the update.
I notice this story isn't very popular this must be changed because it is at above average quality it's not to the scale of FOE or your human and you. But it is defiantly well above most of the slop we get on this site bravo sir bravo keep up the amazing work
5766883 Thanks! Really means a lot to hear that from you. Unfortunately, I have little time to update at the moment as exams are dragging me down; but I will try to get another chapter out as soon as possible. Thanks again for the support :)
(To anyone that sees this) Sorry about the ridiculously long hiatus. I just got really stressed out about life. I should be doing more chapters soon, if nothing else comes up. Thanks for sticking with the story for this long. Honestly, all of you are awesome.