AUGH!!!

TEXT WALL!

Kill it, kill it with fire!

You seriously need to add indentations and space the paragraphs, because when I read it, it sounds like:

[RaritywaswalkingdownthestreetsofPonyvillePinkiePieasalwayscametomeetRarityRaritywasnotinthemoodbutshesmiledandsaidhiPinkiewaswalkingwithherandstartedaskingherquestions]

Also, you use your commas incorrectly 90% of the time. Have you heard of the PERIOD? I've heard its really handy for ENDING SENTENCES.

Your story, from what I have mined so far, is almost half decent. However, making up a third princess without an valid explanation why she exists without anyone else knowing is a little... dumb. The concept is good, but your execution is very sloppy and poor. I mean, Sarity? You have got to be kidding me. A monkey with a typewriter could think up a more creative name in half the time it took you to replace the "r" with a "s".

I have tried really hard to be optimistic, but overall,(pardon my harsh language) this fanfic sucks.

>>2034320343 I am sorry if you do not like it, this is my first fic and I dont have any skill in this, if you want I can improve this, thaks for the feedback though, I tried my best, I was just a little lazy with Sarity, I first wanted to name her Lazitha and then I thought know, pardon my grammer and spelling, I am not English or American, I am only a learner. Anyways thanks, I will try my best on the next fic, be sure to tell me what you think, thanks agin.

K my suggestion to you is make the chapters longer (maybe around 1,000 to 2,000 words) in your next fic and get a pre reader  

>>2141521415 thanks for the advise

Ah! You are not a native speaker of English!

That would explain the many errors. For this simple fact, I can forgive your inept attempt at writing. How can I expect so much from someone who still has something to learn? Thank you for telling me this. I still cringe at your mistakes, but I now understand why they may be there.

>>2166721667 thanks for undestanding

Discarding canon so quickly and without it being an obviously alt universe story seems unnecessary, ask yourself, is a third princess necessary, or would an accidental death by manticore or something serve just as well while allowing you to stay within the boundaries of the existing universe?

If you are going to change the universe so completely, it needs more development, as it feels like an idea dump rather than a cohesive story.

I dont get it....

This story has a bit of potential, however you have failed to grab me as a reader, failed to use periods, built a huge text wall, did not use commas, forgot periods EVEN EXISTED, did not indent, did not space paragraphs and strayed so far off canon, its ridiculous. If you are going to go non-canon at least set the story up canon.

Also, the name is kind "merf..." and uninteresting and the description for the story is just one big spelling error. Honestly the only thing this story did right was the picture, which you failed to credit the original artist for.

I am not normally one to flame the work of others, but this is just terrible I am sorry to say. Maybe you should try your hand at writing after a few English classes, or maybe English isn't your first language (which is fine, I can see you tried to write a good story but you just messed up)

I am sorry to say I will be rating this story low (1/2 star to 1 1/2 stars) due to its bad storytelling and countless grammatical errors.

This story has a bit of potential, however you have failed to grab me as a reader, failed to use periods, built a huge text wall, did not use commas, forgot periods EVEN EXISTED, did not indent, did not space paragraphs and strayed so far off canon, its ridiculous. If you are going to go non-canon at least set the story up canon.

Also, the name is kind "merf..." and uninteresting and the description for the story is just one big spelling error. Honestly the only thing this story did right was the picture, which you failed to credit the original artist for.

I am not normally one to flame the work of others, but this is just terrible I am sorry to say. Maybe you should try your hand at writing after a few English classes, or maybe English isn't your first language (which is fine, I can see you tried to write a good story but you just messed up)

I am sorry to say I will be rating this story low (1/2 star to 1 1/2 stars) due to its bad storytelling and countless grammatical errors.

COMIC BOOK GUY:   Worst fanfic ever!

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Opal gave the Meow of Happiness.

This, if it is a trollfic, is beautiful