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  • 93w, 5d
    The pony capital?

    I just realised something.

    In most fics that deal with Equestrian history (or at least most fics I came across) it is assumed, that the Castle of the Royal Pony sisters was the former capital and a place were the court resided. Then Luna went NMM, and the batle ruined once glorious city, so Celly moved her seat of power to a new place: Canterlot.

    But if that's so, than what about the Traditional Royal Canterlot Voice? If Canterlot wasn't the capital back then, than why would they attribute it to royalty? And if it was, than what really was the Castle of the RPS? A summer villa? Maybe something like Versailles, while Canterlot was more like Paris? Either way, my hedcannon is ruined now...

    4 comments · 103 views
  • 128w, 5d
    Some random Pinkie-induced rambling.

    Hypothesis for today: Every philosophical theory can be communicated with cupcakes (dessert, not the fic).

    Example 1: Plato

    Somewhere out there, exists an ideal cupcake, that is The one true cupcake. We only have access to fake cupcakes (which are also mighty tasty), but we still remember about the one true cupcake we had tasted before we were born.

    Example 2: Wittgenstein

    We shouldn't ask what is a cupcake, but what do we use cupcake for. It's not important what it is, as long as it's tasty.

    Example 3: Nietzsche

    Cupcakes are tasty, but we have to abandon them to try and achieve the overcupcake. The overcupcake will be overtasty.

    Example 4: Sartre

    We are free to eat cupcakes if we want. But we are self-deceiving ourselves that we are forced to eat muffins. Well newsflash – we can eat cupcakes.

    Example 5: St. Augustin

    There is no such thing as a bad cupcake. There may be a lack of a good cupcake, but never a bad cupcake.

    Yeah, my brain is melting. I blame this overly cute Pinkie.

    3 comments · 87 views
  • ...
 62
 7,832

Even though it's late at night, Twilight Sparkle is wide awake and immersed in her... Let's call it  work. That is, until a certain earth pony shows up, with a big problem on her hooves.

Warning: Contains some spoilers from episode 19: Putting your Hoof down

Note: As you may have already guessed this is TwiPie fic, but not really a romantic shipping fic (hence no romance tag). It still is a teeny-tiny itty-bitty shippish. Not the “OMG, let's make out and have some magical babies” shippish. Not even “I love her, and she doesn't notice it, sob, sob” shippish. More like “There is some really good air between them, that could lead to future developments, but  neither of them notice it yet” shippish. Really, really mild. Or so I think...

But just in case there is someone who absolutely hate anything – and I mean anything – even vaguely considered a ship I'm putting this warning here.

First Published
10th Apr 2012
Last Modified
10th Apr 2012
#1 · 132w, 4d ago · · ·

Complete? :raritydespair:

Well written. A few missing articles, but nothing too serious.

Hope you explore this further! Y'know.. if you want to.

#2 · 132w, 4d ago · · ·

This was a bit of a bumpy read - you really overuse commas.

http://grammar.ccc.commnet.edu/grammar/commas.htm

This is a wonderful story. Nicely paced, strong imagery, and even supportive undertones. Worth the read and a thumbs up.

#3 · 132w, 4d ago · · ·

I really enjoyed the story.

I noticed quite a few missing articles, mostly when you described Twilight or Pinkie rather than using their name.  Things like "Pinkie brought a smile to lavender unicorn's face" or "Pink mare seemed conflicted."  It wasn't too jarring, but it did pull me out of the story a bit.

Other than that, though, it was well worth the time I spent reading it.

#4 · 132w, 4d ago · · ·

Pretty solid, and pretty sad at that one point. Really nice work.

Only thing to critisize is it's already complete...

#5 · 132w, 4d ago · · ·

This story desperately needs a pass or three by an editor, what with the overuse of commas, the missing articles, various other grammatical issues and the dreaded Purple Unicorn Syndrome.

Fortunately, you should have folks lining up willing to edit this story, as underneath those issues lie a simply wonderful story, with some beautiful imagery (and some hilarious imagery; Twilight getting her "troops" in line was amazing.) A bit of polish, and this story shall shine brightly amongst the best this fandom has to offer.

#6 · 132w, 4d ago · · ·

Great story !~:heart:

#7 · 132w, 4d ago · · ·

>>436286  >>436400 Thank you, I'm glad you like it. I had an idea for a story of only this one night encounter, hence I made it a one-shot. If in the future I'll find some more ideas, to this "timeline" I'll write a sequel.  But I think, that some different TwiPie fic is more probable (this pairing really grew on me)

>>436304 Thank you for the kind words, and sorry about the punctuation. It is my achilles feet (even more than the articles I think) so I usually just go into one of the extremes - I either not punctuate enough, or I punctuate too much, just in case. Will try to work on that

.>>436361 Thank you for pointing that out. I actually didn't think it's that bad, until I used a word search for all the words I used to describe the main characters, and noticed almost half of them were missing an article. I can only say I'm really sorry.  It's fixed now, and I promise next time I'll be posting a story. I'll  just run the word search before putting it up. Pinkie Promise. Also, glad you like it.

>>436453 Purple unicorn syndrome? As in: I overused the combination of colour and pony type as description? :fluttershysad: Probably I did.. *sigh*. Don't know how to avoid it in the long run though. Will try to think of something.

And yeah I don't have any pre-readers so I can only apologize for all the mistakes, and try to fix what I can.

And I'm glad you like the story itself, despite the obvious flaws :pinkiesmile:

>>436500 Thank you :pinkiesmile:

#8 · 132w, 4d ago · · ·

>>436527 I guessed and was correct that English wasn't your first language. Buuut, who cares? You're like the third or so author I can say that about, and if you went and fixed some of the things afterwords it should be fine. I'll read it when i finish doing... work, let's call it.

#9 · 132w, 3d ago · · ·

I would like to say Iron will isn't that bad, he had a legitimate business (Unlike trixie) reasonably gave fluttershy a extension till she has the money owe to him, even politely knocking at her door instead of just smashing it down (Especially since pinkie and rarity were trying to pull a fast one on him.)

okay enough with that mini-rant this story is lovely, good work

#10 · 132w, 3d ago · · ·

>>436304 OK I've read what you linked, and thrown away a significant number of commas. I'm almost certain, that there are still some punctuation errors (or even more than some) but I hope it has become a little bit more readable now. Thanks again, for your input

>>436758 Heh yeah, it isn't. And having no articles in my native language, surely doesn't help keeping track of them in English :applejackunsure: Which is why I'm always glad for any criticism I get :twilightsmile:

Anyway, I hope you will like it (I already did a massive removal of commas, and added a huge portion of missing articles, so I think it should be slightly less messy now)

>>437850 Yeah, objectively speaking, Iron Will isn't truely a bad guy. But from PInkie's and Rarity's points of view he sure is a cruel monster.

And glad you like it. :twilightsmile:

#11 · 132w, 3d ago · · ·

This story was beautiful and I am glad that it caught my interest; every last word of it was worth reading. Err...I don't know of any suggestions I can give on how to improve the story, save a possible continuation, so I'll content myself with telling you that this story was refreshing and new and, in my opinion, one of the best I've read.

:moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache:

#12 · 132w, 3d ago · · ·

Very Nice story, and I enjoyed i quite a bit. (again TwiPie is my second favorite pair so that helped :pinkiehappy:)  Another story or another chapter of this one would be welcomed.  

#13 · 132w, 3d ago · · ·

>>438727 Well done! It reads far smoother now. :pinkiehappy: :twilightsmile:

#14 · 132w, 3d ago · · ·

Wow, this was pretty captivating. Just going to point out a few things if you don't mind.

The usage of ellipses is inconsistent at times, the ending's pretty fine using three periods and a space, but throughout the beginning and middle of the story, we can see it being used with two periods and no space, four periods and no space, or two periods with a space. I prefer using (... ) throughout the entirety of the story. It's controversial on whether starting sentences off with prepositions (such as "and" or "but") breaks grammatical conventions. I understand using it with Pinkie, so I had no problem with that, but you might want to avoid doing this in the narratives of your future works just to be safe. Also, the ALLCAPS usage when Pinkie tries to run away could be seen as narm - at least, it seemed like that to me. It's written well enough, so you don't have to worry about whether your readers understand that they're speaking this way by using ALLCAPS. Just my thoughts on that.

I did like it though. The story is crafted out and paced very nicely. I also liked including Twilight's train of thought, it was a nice addition to the story. You've done very  well with the emotions of the characters too, making this so heartwarming.

Also, I think I saw this idea on Storyforge on Ponychan's /fic/. Whether you go there or not, it's cool to see this idea being put into motion. Again, a great read.

#15 · 132w, 3d ago · · ·

>>440822 First of all, thank you for pointing out the mistakes. The ellipses are just me being messy - yet again I could've avoid it by doing simple word search - yet again, I didn't even notice it was neccessary - so yet again I have to apologise for another hiccup. It's been fixed (though I haven't noticed any 2 period ones you mentioned, only the 4 periods)

About starting with prepositions - I'll definitely keep that in mind. It was my way out of overgrown sentences, but I guess there must be other ways of doing that.

About the ALLCAPS -  somehow I felt ,  that  this one part wouldn't work with just the exclamation marks to point out the yelling. Maybe I overdid it, but I can't see it as a mistake I guess. Sorry, that you found it too artificial though.

Now about /fic/ - nope, I haven't been there. But it has been partially inspired by This fic, which made me realize, that the episode 19 tossed around some very heavy rants, and followed them with a pretty weak remedy.

Also, I'm glad you like it :twilightsmile:

>>438872>>439296 Thank you, glad you enjoyed reading it. :pinkiesmile: While there definitely won't be another chapter, I won't rule out another story.

#16 · 131w, 5d ago · · ·

This was a wonderful read. I loved your use of imagery, especially in the beginning with Twilight and her books.

It's too bad that we won't get a continuation, but I'll look forward to what you publish next. :twilightsmile:

#17 · 131w, 4d ago · · ·

>>459291 Thank you, I'm glad you enjoyed this story :pinkiesmile:

#18 · 131w, 4d ago · · ·

Oh, yay! TwiPie! You write such a great, introspective Pinkie Pie. I enjoyed "(Hide) and Seek" quite a bit, but this is a much stronger story than your previous one. Well done. :pinkiehappy:

First, I loved the beginning scene with Twilight. It's nice to see her whimsical side for a change, and it was very funny and adorable. Plus, it allows the reader to see just how Twilight and Pinkie might work together (as friends and as lovers)--at first glance, they seem like utter opposites.

Also, the pacing is very good. It allows for the establishment of emotional mood and appropriate dramatic tension. (This is a definite improvement over "(Hide) and Seek," I think.) I also really like the general premise of the story, that what Fluttershy said in "Putting Your Hoof Down" would stay with Pinkie and/or Rarity for a while and really hurt them, as I do feel that Fluttershy's words were pretty harmful and really took aim at the heart of who Pinkie and Rarity are. I'm really happy to see a story explore some aftermath from all of that.

Now, on to specifics ...

Anypony, that stayed in Pinkius Piecus proximity for more than five seconds, would develop a conditioned response. A special kind of subliminal command, that would etch itself deep into their subconsciousness. 'You smile, whenever you see Pinkie Pie. Such is the rule. There are no exceptions.

That's adorable and funny. And it's lovely that Twilight sees Pinkie this way.

"Yes, Yes, Yes, Yes, Yes. She talks. Now we're getting somewhere." An encouraging smile appeared on the lilac face.

This feels like such a Twilight response. I really liked it, this little silent rejoicing at having gotten Pinkie to finally speak.  (As a side note, the standard convention in indicating thoughts--versus spoken dialogue--is to simply use italics without any quotation marks. Just so you know. :twilightsmile:)

She could speak utter nonsense, or profound wisdom; sometimes both in one sentence.

That's a really interesting observation and one that rings true. And again, I really like that Twilight sees Pinkie this way.

A spark of anger glinted in Twilight's eyes, but faded a second later. She didn't hear anything about that part of the story. She could hardly believe it; how could the timid pegasus be so cruel? Her first thought was to give Fluttershy immediate scolding. But than the realisation came: this experience must've been just as painful  to the yellow pony, as it was to her victims. She might appeared all right, but the guilt was surely eating her up. It was punishment enough. She was the element of kindness after all.

I like this whole paragraph. I like the revelation that Fluttershy, Pinkie, and Rarity haven't told the others what happened, because it does feel as though that's something they might not--to protect one another, if not to protect themselves. And I like Twilight's reining in her emotions and thinking things through, as that seemed very Twilight to me.

"But those tiny itty bitty words kept jumping around in my head."

That's great. That sounds JUST like how Pinkie should phrase things.

"And there were some obvious ones, like fun and super and extra and exciting and joyful; and even some big, complicated words joined my cause - the ones that you and Rarity use so often - like delightful and splendid and rapturous and effervescent."

That is adorable. I cannot even handle how adorable that is. You write great Pinkie dialogue. (The one point of improvement I'd suggest for writing her dialogue is to use more contractions--there are some instances where she uses the full words where a contraction would flow more naturally.) I also like that Pinkie's kind of showing off her acquired vocabulary to Twilight--it seems like she might have the desire to impress Twilight (perhaps Rarity too), and that feels as though it could be true.

"And being sad, while thinking about my friends, made me double sad. And I knew, that telling any of you girls about it would make you sad as well, and that would make me ten times more sad."

Aww, Pinkie! :pinkiesad2: She is breaking my heart SO much right here. SO much. And yes, this is EXACTLY why Pinkie might withhold feeling sad from her friends.

She quickly reviewed the story in her head. Some personal information, some drama, good moral.

Perfect. and

Even her smug inner voice couldn't give her any advice this time, and her mental check-list – usually extremely long and complex  – was reduced to only one item: 'STOP PINKIE FROM LEAVING'.

Again, I really like how analytical Twilight is being. It's so her. And I also really like how, just a few seconds later, it all blows up in her face--because she's trying to be logical about emotions, which just aren't.

“But they are written by ponies. Like I said, everypony wants to share their feelings with others, but most of  us don't know how. That's why we create objects that convey our affection. Interesting books and stunning dresses; delicious meals and beautiful rainbows; bouquets of flowers and... small, rag dolls.” She smiled tenderly at the memory.

This is rather a beautiful insight into who Twilight Sparkle is as a character, one that took me mildly by surprise--and then I felt surprised that I was surprised, because this fits very well, I think. It also strikes me as a generally true observation.

Pinkie was gone. The pile of books was completely empty. There was no trace of the trembling, pink body, or the straight, rosy mane. Twilight turned pale at the view and her ears folded down,  dejected.

“...my most precious friend.” she finished with a whisper.

HEART. BREAK. I am FEELING things. Awww, Twi. *sniff*

It took her many months before she taught Spike her Clever and Unorthodox Diagram for Distribution of  Library Equipment, which brought supreme and perfect order to the book collection. A vision of someone unacquainted with C.U.D.D.L.E. putting books on the shelves – using some makeshift, random method - was very scary. A thought of her chaotic friend being that someone, was downright terrifying.

*snort!* I love the acronym. Oh, Twilight, you're such a loveable nerd.

Sure, that wasn't exactly something she could call a perfect result. These wings were just as impractical, as the ones Rarity had, and that should make her a little bit sad, right? After all she hoped for something else entirely, when she started researching the spell. But somehow, there wasn't a speck of regret in her mind.

This is perhaps the most beautiful part of the story, to me. Not only that Twilight gave this gift to Pinkie but that it wasn't just about trying out a neat spell but about giving joy to her friend. It seems Twilight was listening to her own speech about the meaning of life and took her own advice to heart. Lovely.

Also, the thought of a Pinkie with wings is both highly amusing and kind of terrifying.

#19 · 131w, 3d ago · · ·

>>466781 You, Dear Sir, sure know how to make my day :pinkiehappy: Listing  the parts  that  you like and commenting on them, was a really nice gesture, thank you for that. :twilightblush: And the fact you found this story an enjoyable read makes me happy :pinkiesmile:

About the quotation marks appearing with thoughts - I had a bit of a pickle here. The convention was clear, it should be just italics, but that didn't feel right for the inner voice parts. Since as I see it - these are not only mere thoughts, but also a sort of a dialogue (which is especially emphasized near the end, when the whole quarrel with her "voice of reason" takes places inside her head). So while I had to break the convention, I felt this would be more appropriate. Now, about the rest of the thought parts - they got quotation marks + italics because I wanted to be consequent -  if some of the thoughts had to be in one format, than all of the thoughts should be in that format.

And thanks for the suggestion about contractions. Haven't thought of that, but yeah - it sounds very Pinkie-like. :pinkiesmile:

#20 · 131w, 3d ago · · ·

>>468488

You're very welcome! Thanks for writing the story. :twilightsmile:

And I leave it entirely to you whether to continue using quotation marks with the italics to indicate thoughts--I just wasn't 100% certain whether you knew what the convention is, so I thought I'd mention it. I apologize if what I said seemed condescending, by the way.

Looking forward to whatever you write next!

#21 · 131w, 1d ago · · ·

>>469521 Nah, it didn't sound condescending don't worry about it. It is a fine point actually, since this choice was more of a "it feels right like this" than "i'm sure it's right like this". I always welcome critique.:pinkiesmile:

#22 · 128w, 6d ago · · ·

Fantastic.

Simply... fantastic. I can see why Gwenio picked this as one of his featured Favorites.

To be honest, I feel a bit guilty. I passed on this one at least twice before because I have come to be very careful of romance-tagged fics. I didn't even take the time to read the description and just moved on. Now... I see what I was missing. This truly is a fantastic piece... something I'd even suggest expanding on or letting others use as background references for their stories. It truly is touching, and at the same time possesses a philosophical quality rivaled to my knowledge only by Pinkie Pie Watches Paint Dry (which is awesome too, BTW). This level of quality and the way you made such a delicate friendshipping is something I truly have no choice but to shed tears and salute to.

You deserve a medal for this story... or at least a custom banner.

#23 · 128w, 6d ago · · ·

>>549658

Thank you very much. I'm glad you liked this story.  :pinkiehappy:

About expanding it: Well... There is a (relatively) good news and a (relatively) bad news. Good news (whether it's good or bad will actually depend on the quality of the fic) is that there will be a sequel placed a couple of months after events occuring here. Bad news (at least for some, for others it's probably another good news) is that it will be romantic shipping this time around. Mildly romantic, but romantic nevertheless.

And if anyone would want to use it as a reference they would have my blessing, as it would be nothing less than a great compliment. :twilightsmile:

#24 · 128w, 6d ago · · ·

>>553637 Marvelous. As for the mild shipping, that's your business. I prefer friendshipping and heterosexual shipping mostly, but at the same time there are so few stallions in ponyville!

#25 · 128w, 5d ago · · ·

I ALWAYS search for really cute Friendshipping including Pinkie Pie. TwiPie is even my favourite... and Twi innocently snuggling up to Pinkie at the end made this story join the rank of my favourites :pinkiesmile:

#26 · 128w, 5d ago · · ·

FiMfiction really needs the Friendshipping tag. It is quite appropriate here.

Anyways, that scene with Flutterbitch really left me thinking. "Those really were hurtful words that struck at the very core of Pinkie and Rarity. It wouldn't go away with just an apology".

And I say this fic did a WONDERFUL job of laying that situation to rest.

I also give exceptional props to authors who touch on the human condition and you did incredibly well. That part will stand out in my mind for a good while. I think we all forget these things from time to time, and sometimes a good story is the best way to remember what's really important in life.

I will look forward to seeing more of your work. :yay: yay

#27 · 128w, 5d ago · · ·

I love Twilight's quirks. And Pinkie's persona and the so so SOOO smooth flow of details here.

“Do you remember when that big, old, scary monster changed our nice, little Fluttershy into nasty, mean Meanieshy?”

For a minute I thought she meant Discord.

Realistically, Fluttershy made her own choice. She went from one extreme to the other (a natural reaction). Iron Will's lessons merely set the stage, and a minotaur's gotta eat (hopefully not human flesh). A callin' a dude a monster is rude.

Pinkie Pie's dialogue is beyond perfect, how do you do it?

Heh. RD of course has her own issues of self worth. And so does, Shy, Rarity, and AJ, and Twilight, they ALL have crosses to bear.


“When I was living in Canterlot, I thought that the ponies who do nothing but party were indeed useless. But—” a loud popping noise disrupted her speech.

Crude.

I was a stupid, stuck-up mare.

In other words, the only <i> real </i> difference between Twilight and Trixie, is that Twilight had Spike and her brother and Celestia to reign her in and plant empathy in her, Trixie never had anyone to teach her to think of others.

“I do not know what it is. No one does.”

I reject that.


“So if you let yourself get captivated by a book – any book – and really understand its content, you can find a part of the author's heart etched into his work. 

Ironically I read somewhere that a good book tells you about the characters, a bad book tells you about the author.


“Oooooh I know! I'll just make this a ’Congratulations on being the purplest of all the purple unicorns in Ponyville’ party.”

And people wonder why I think G3 and G4 Pinkie Pie are the same pony.

#28 · 128w, 5d ago · · ·

This is WONDERFUL. I absolutely love it from beginning to end. You have a great grasp on Pinkie and Twilight's characters and write them really well. Plus.... it made me tear up. :fluttercry: I love friendshipping so much -- it so captures the original intent of the show, which is of course that friendship is magic. (No offense to relationshippers!)

And then, after reading this wonderful piece, I scroll down to the comments and find out you're not even a native English speaker. Wow. Although I don't know what it was like before editing (:twilightblush:), it's darling now, anyway, and definitely going in my list of favorites.

#29 · 128w, 5d ago · · ·

Brilliant! I loved it! Almost everything was spot on. You deserve some type of award!

#30 · 128w, 5d ago · · ·

At first, I was :pinkiegasp:

and then I was:pinkiesad2:

But then I was like:pinkiehappy:

#31 · 128w, 5d ago · · ·

Absolutely beautiful, I loved this story. :pinkiesad2:

Also, congratulations on making it on Equestria Daily.

#32 · 128w, 5d ago · · ·

This was enjoyable. I had wondered how Pinkie was going to take Meanieshy's hurtful words. Very well written. I think you portrayed Pinkie and Twi wonderfully. I don't feel that any of this was OOC. The pace was well planned and laid out. I could see something like this becoming an actual episode. Well done, and congrats on EqD.

#33 · 128w, 5d ago · · ·

Okay, I have to say, this dialogue is just... It's so artificial! It's taxing to read at certain parts. The diction is so incredibly formal that it sounds almost nothing like Twilight or Pinkie talking. Yeah, Twi can really whip out her expansive vocabulary when applicable, but this whole conversation is like reading an english text book, and Pinkie's dialogue is in the same boat. It's not exactly "purple prose" but it sure is needlessly elaborate at times.

Example: Things like "I'm your friend, am I not?” Why not just "I'm your friend, aren't I?” or "We're friends, right?" Or "I thought that the ponies who do nothing but party were indeed useless."  That diction is so rigid (and I think there's a grammatical tense error there too...) and there are other, more casual, less "purple prose" ways to phrase those statements, I'm sure. Anything to make it sound a bit less formal and more conversational, like it's actually two friends having a heart to hear... and look at this:

“You are far from useless, Pinkie. If anything, you are most blessed, as you can share your heart simply by being yourself. We all struggle to accomplish a fraction of what you do in any single one of your parties. With just one song you can make the whole town smile, and with a simple hug you can turn a disaster into something fun and cheerful."

Who on earth speaks like that? :fluttershbad: You'd never hear one of the characters chatting like that in the show. Suspension of disbelief isn't propped up well by allowances for artistic liberty. Twi and Pinkie don't even get to talk that much because there is so much rumination on Twilight's weirdly incongruently disconnected thoughts.

Sorry to be critical, Zompony, but it is really hard to get immersed in the story when the dialogue just seems so unnatural. It's not even a matter of it being written "out of character", but rather that there is just overly complicated word choice. Also, again, there is a LOT of superfluous exposition just describing Twilight's internal monologue/thoughts that adds very little to the story. Example: "An image of a certain book appeared in her mind. It was her favorite tome, one that she had read many times and that had influenced her greatly. She would love to recall all the familiar passages, but it was not the time for daydreams. With a hint of regret she shook her head to chase away the image and continued." Why even mention this? It was terribly nondescript, tells the reader nothing about Twilight as a character beyond that she has a favorite book, and then is forgotten about. You could remove this passage and nothing would be changed. That is not the only example I could find. That, and the plot itself and the character actions are rather insubstantial given the exposition provided.

There are places with 2 or more paragraphs between lines of dialogue that only describe Twilights obtusely elaborate internal thought process, and it dr~ags on, and breaks the atmosphere of scene. It's just TOO analytical. It breaks the narrative progression, such that it seems the story is more a tale about how Twilight supposedly thinks, and in a more casual rhetoric than her actual conversation. The whole text could stand to observe the old adage "Less is more".

All of this is IMHO, of course, but given that this story has not only a very imaginative premise but the potential to be a truly thematically thought provoking one, it's disappointing that the potential wasn't fully achieved, made all the more so for me because I love Twi and Pinkie (tied for best pony).

So yeah, this one was a miss for me... Again, a mountain of potential, but marred in execution, IMHO.  :fluttershyouch:

#34 · 128w, 5d ago · · ·

Wow. I was just very mad at my brother, and this was just what I needed. I love this story.

#35 · 128w, 4d ago · · ·

D'aww...

Adorable Twinkie Pie. Thank you. :pinkiehappy::twilightsmile:

#36 · 128w, 4d ago · · ·

>>559126

Only in hindsight do I realize this. I guess my ADD makes me blaze through the lines so fast I don't even notice.

Perhaps with a good editor it could be improved.

#37 · 128w, 4d ago · · ·

I liked it. I have no more things to say. Allonsy! :pinkiehappy:

#38 · 128w, 4d ago · · ·

Ok, time for a batch of replies (wow, EQD really does bring a publicity to a whole new level :rainbowhuh:)

>>557866>>557922>>557940>>558263>>558369>>558569>>558707>>558709>>559167>>560087>>561050

Thank you all for leaving your comments. I'm happy you gave the story a shot and even happier you liked it. :twilightsmile: And all these compliments really made me smile, so here, have some Pinkie in return

>>557922

Yeah, there totally should be a friendshipping tag. Sadly, even EQD abandoned that one now – since there was only shipping available in the new submission form.

And true, sometimes the writers of the show resolve eveyrhing too easily (I had the same thought about Mare-do-well) but I guess they do have the time constriction of 20 minutes per episode. And it gives fanfics some opportunity to fix the holes. :pinkiesmile:

>>557940

              In other words, the only <i> real </i> difference between Twilight and Trixie, is that Twilight had Spike and her brother and Celestia to reign her in and plant empathy in her, Trixie never had anyone to teach her to think of others.

Actually I believe their personalities differ to much to produce the same results under the same life circumstances. If Twi was an orphan (just as Trixie is according to most of her fanon) she still wouldn't become an arrogant show-mare, but an arrogant shut-out. Where Trixie tried to prove herself as better than others, Twilight would just withdraw and read more books.

               Ironically I read somewhere that a good book tells you about the characters, a bad book tells you about the author.

I do have to argue on that. Every book tells you something about the author, since it's created from the author's experiences and imagination. A bad book might shove the author in your face instead of letting you focus on story and characters – that much is true. A good book is more subtle about it – you learn a lot about the author, but you are not distracted by it. If you reflect on a good book after reading it, you might find it taught you many things about the person who wrote it.

Also I'm glad you like my version of Pinkie Pie dialogue. And to answer your question: First I write what I think should be said at the point I'm working on, and than I change it over and over again, until it's the same concept but sounding more like something Pinkie would say.

>>558263

To give you an idea of what it looked like before, let's just say that I killed around 200 commas during editing. And commas weren't the only problem. So yeah, Chocolate Milk is a marvellous editor and he really helped me with making this story reader-friendly.

>>559126

First of all thank you for spending your time reading the story and writing down your thoughts, even if in the end you believe this fanfic is a disappointment. I'm sorry to hear that it's a miss for you, but I'm grateful for the detailed criticism. It definitely gave me some things to consider.

You've pointed out the things I need to work on: the fluency of the dialogues, the choice of words in dialogues and the relevancy of the descriptive paragraphs. And I will give them much more thought when working on future stories.

I do think your opinion is a bit harsh (especially the part about the plot being unsubstantial), but I will not try to convince you to change it. If my story couldn't defend itself on its own than it is not my place to do so.

#39 · 128w, 4d ago · · ·

:fluttershbad: I need more! I want to see Pinkie's reaction to the wings and how she uses them! I mean, not really the purpose of the story but still...:raritydespair:

#40 · 128w, 4d ago · · ·

Amazing. . .  Just amazing.  I absolutely loved it.  And yes, please make chapter 2. . .  *throws money at screen*  Why won't this work?!  

:eeyup:

#41 · 128w, 3d ago · · ·

>>563059>>563429

Sorry, Pinkie with wings and awake is too drastic subject to be put into a story. It would chip away way too much  reality, bringing everyone who reads such fic into the realm of madness. Think of it as meeting Cthulu – it sounds fun when you only have the clues about his existence, but you wouldn't want to mee The Ancient One face to face.

And I'm glad you like it. :pinkiehappy:

#42 · 128w, 3d ago · · ·

I wanted to leave a short little comment, but reading the other comments added quite a number of things i wanted to say.

First off, I really liked the story. It's not easy to combine a sad tag with a somedy tag effectively, but you managed to do so. I laughed, I cried, I threw a spoon at my screen.:moustache:

Second, it may be true that at certain parts the sentences tend to get a bit descriptive, but not to a degree that would make it annoying. It is within the limitations of the writer's and the reader's personal preferences.

Also, you should definitely not drop any of Twilight's thought process. In the end the entire story revolves around Twilights perception of her depressed friend. There was a single sentence that seemed to break that structure, which in my personal opinion should be rephrased, which was:

"The earth pony wasn't bothered by the refusal. Sure, she stared intensely at her for a couple of seconds, but then she simply smirked and lied down on her sleeping blanket."

Additionately, I wanted to tell you that you handled the negative critcism very mature (more than I could ever), which is a character trait I admire deeply.

Lastly, on an even more personal note, I'm happy to find such a good friendshipping fic's and am sad to hear, that you will continue this as a romance. In the end it feels like it only revolves around sex in one way or another.:unsuresweetie:

#43 · 128w, 3d ago · · ·

>>568494

First of all thanks for your comment. Happy to hear you like it and I'm glad you  enjoyed Twi's POV. :pinkiesmile:

Now I need to clarify something before it will be misunderstood further. Romance doesn't necessarily brings sex to the story (depicted or simply implied). There is much more to romance than just sex. Think Cadance and Shining Armor - that's romance MLP style. Does it involve sex in the story? Not really. Sure, everyone can tell that their honeymoon will be wild, but it is irrelevant to the episode itself

Don't get me wrong  – I'm not advocating for some platonic relationships either. Just saying that a story depicts only a fragment of characters life, so thinking that it all boils down to sex –  only because you can deduce that they will have sex at some point in the future – seems wrong to me.

Lastly I'm flattered you think of me so highly, but it's not like I had to deal with any sort of bashing or hating. If someone took their time to write a well versed negative criticism, than I have no reason to be mad. On the contrary – it means someone is actually trying to help a story he didn't even like, which is something really kind.

#44 · 128w, 2d ago · · ·

{Outside} (wow that was a good story) {Inside} (Holy cheaseits that story made me crap my pants  twice 4 awesomeness) :pinkiegasp::pinkiehappy:

#45 · 128w, 2d ago · · ·

>>561918

I guess I just don't like the idea that Trixie is so fundamentally selfish that even being under the kind but watchful eye of Celestia wouldn't make her grow into less a jerk.

#46 · 128w, 1d ago · · ·

Amazing story, can't wait to read more of your work. Clicking all the buttons

*thumb* *favourite* *watch*

Aww, ran out of buttons:pinkiesad2:

Amazing work. Though I would make one tiny suggestion (as in one letter)

When Twilight  was casting the spell at the end, you used the word spiced. I would change that to spliced, because it implies deeper connections between the parts of the spell, and also that more thought went into it. Plus it just sounds cool.

That is all. No, seriously, I mean that.

#47 · 127w, 6d ago · · ·

>>571551

Glad you like it :pinkiesmile:

>>578397

Thanks for your comment. I'm glad you enjoyed it.

About the splice/spice idea – both versions have their advantages, but I think I like your idea slightly better. It brings an air of equality between what Pinkie triggered withing Twi, and what Twi feels in return. So yeah, I'm gonna go with splice. Thanks. :twilightsmile:

#48 · 127w, 6d ago · · ·

>>585506

You're welcome. Idea just came outta nowhere and smashed in the general area of my suspension of disbelief. Thankfully, nothing was broken, metaphorically speaking. All's well that ends well, and all that.

#49 · 126w, 2d ago · · ·

Congratulations, good sir (ma'am? you can never be sure on the Internet... :derpytongue2:). You have just joined the ranks of few amazing authors I consider worthy of watching. OK, that sounded kinda like I'm some kinda trend guideline, which I am not. :rainbowlaugh: Sorry for sounding like a pompous jerk. :pinkiehappy:

Please, just let me drop a line saying how much I enjoyed the story. Do you want to know which part I enjoyed the most? The one that seemed a little forced and only grazed the storyline - the short part where you described books.

It literally made me think: "Mother of God, that's so deep."

If that's the reason you write your fics - to convey your feelings to the readers - let me wish you best of luck in continuing to do so, and plea that you never changed it. I've seen many fics lately which were aimed at gathering followers and hitting the feature box. I don't say it's a bad thing, they were certainly funny :twilightblush:, and it's best left to the writers to decide what they want to do with their story. What I want to say, however, is that stories like your - aimed to share some feelings with the readers - are over 9000 times better. :twilightsmile:

Thank you for sharing such a beautiful story.

#50 · 125w, 6d ago · · ·

>>639369

Wow, I'm glad you enjoyed it so much :pinkiehappy: (and yea, I'm male)

Also thank you for the encouragament. I do believe that writing is a powerful communication tool so I try to only tell a story only when I have something to tell (even if it's just a small thing).

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