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Adding it to favourites for now (So I can actually read it, as Read later lish has some problems on my phone) I'll edit this comment when I'll get to read it.
Favorited so I can keep tabs on it for now but I am sure it will be staying there if the Bob likes it!
Like the other two guys below me, I'll add this to my favs to read soon. (Sorry.
) I promise I'll comment about what I think once I'm done though. :D
This is Good, dude!
Holy crap, literally three chapters in and that hit me harder than the climax f most stories... I literally have no idea why this has any dislikes? Must be pegasi haters. Bigots, eh?
Anyway, I really am enjoying this story and to tell you the truth, I'd like to give you critique but I haven't spotted anything wrong yet.
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Glad you're interested. Hope you like it :)
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Thanks, good to hear.
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That means a lot to me, really. I was... well, a big part of why this took as long as it did to get published was because I was trying to make a connection with certain characters and really, really didn't have long to do it. I never could get a good sense of if I'd managed to convey that or not. I'm really glad to hear I succeeded. Well, glad, and... yeah. That was a thing.
A lack of having found things to critique is good to know as well. Wonder if I can keep it up, eh.
I have to thank theBobulator for introducing me to this great story. I can't wait for more
I would like to thank you for posting this. Really, I would.
bobulater has sent me, fucking good story though, you've earned a follower
The combat scene was good and I did enjoy it, but I was a little lost at points.
I still don't know if when they first started fighting the zebra's where they attacking the camp? Or was it a convoy? I'm not sure.
Either way, great start to a hopefully fantastic story. I expect to see more from this as I continue reading.
So far so good. Of course, as with almost all FoE I am never happy with the ratio of life to death and particularly who dies and who doesn't.
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My pleasure. More to come, hopefully without too much wait.
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I really do owe him a beer at this point. Glad you guys like it!
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The scenario I had in mind was that the sim they were running is a "what if" sort of thing for if the Zebras had somehow managed to infiltrate a force of substantial size into the Everfree forest, and were in the process of making their way towards Ponyville, with the implication that they would be in position to attack by roughly dawn. In response, the Equestrians send out teams of scouts to figure out what they are up against, then report back. In their case, due to Snap's... misfortune... they end up decisively engaged with one of the vanguard squads, a decently-sized group, but of little-to-no consequence to the overall plan. So despite winning the fight, their flight was discovered and gets forced to make the choice they do.
So, in short form, the group they end up fighting is essentially one of many groups sent ahead of the main formation of Zebras. Of no real intelligence value (if there are zebras there at all, there will be at least several groups such as those - they lost more than they gained from fighting them at all), so the choice she makes is in full knowledge that their mission isn't complete.
Whether or not I succeeded at that... Ech, I'll try and make future combat scenes a little more clear as to what's happening. I'm glad you're sticking with it!
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Well, the fatality rate is pretty much 100% over a long enough timeline, right? Kidding aside, I'm not entirely sure I follow your meaning.
Oh, and as a general comment... yeah, I encourage spoilers in the comments. Just my stance on that, I suppose.
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Yeah, in fact with some certainty it is 100% unless you happen to get ghoulified or turned into an alicorn. The former is nothing you'd want to have happen to you and the latter isn't exactly good for the mind/soul although your longevity becomes uncertain instead of obviously finite.
I just dislike that everybody takes the trope-esque approach of exceedingly tragic circumstances in FoE. It doesn't seem fair or reasonable at times for their entire group of friends to be slaughtered (from the reader's perspective) either all at once or systematically over time. They just seem to be grimmer than they need to be a times. I get that it's the Equestrian Wasteland, but horrors of balefire, etc, etc it's not generally a sentient environment that's out to get you. It's mostly the baser nature of ponies and other species combined with bad luck, general anarchy, and so on. -- It's hard to put in words, but after you've read enough FoE fanfic they can seem a little repetitive at times.
It's okay if you don't understand what I'm getting at...
This is... surprisingly fantastic. It draws me in, yet another good FoE story for me to wait for chapters of.
No regrets.
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PRAISE YOUR OMNIPOTENT GOD. But yeah, this is a great story.
4702731 Isn't the alicorn sick with a nasty case of "plasma-to-the-face" right now? Anyways, add one more mark to the "Bobulator referral" tally.
Also, in the chapter two Author's Note, was it supposed to say that frosty had more brain damage before being stranded? Or am I misinterpreting the wording? FoE: Memories Even with the chapter where Frosty is seen as a drone-soldier-pony of some sort, (...There has to be a better term for that than 'drone-soldier-pony') I would expect it to get worse, not better. Near death experiences tend to make things worse, no?
And as to building an emotional connection, it 'a really too early to tell. Its equal parts longevity and how the character is portrayed. I've had my heart ripped out and smashed to bits by cruel, evil, and sadistic author ponies quite a few times. Ok, maybe more than just a few.
On a more serious note, if you need an editor, I recently hammered my schedule back to give me some free time. Which I promptly filled with a can of Byzantine colored paint and a map of Europe (Plus North Africa, the Middle East, India, and a swath of Siberia reaching about as Far East as the edge of India), courtesy of Steam and all the Crusader Kings 2 I've been playing. I'm at like 350 hours of Crusader Kings alone (Plenty of World of Tanks is in there too), and it's only month five. Somepony save me!
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Oh no, I was referring to the story as a whole including more brain damage than usual... and now that doesn't sound right when I say it. Ech, you know what I mean.
And on the note about editing, absolutely. I'll hit you up with a private message some time tonight. There are indeed things behind the curtains, welcome aboard.
4702731
praise be to thebobulator, what is thy bidding
First off, the technical side of the writing is excellent, so well done on that front!
Some non-spoilery notes:
It's odd to go for a description of how dark it is followed immediately by noting how the point of view character is wearing a night vision eyepiece.
Sometimes, especially when you switch from description to a dialogue, you repeat the same adjective within a short interval. It's not distracting, just noticeable.
There are random capitalization errors, especially after colons and semicolons. I only found one typo, though, which is good.
Now all the SPOILER bits. I have no idea how it's done over here, so I just spoilered everything:
I just have to get this out of the way. Don't do surprise VR segments unless you have a real good reason for it within a well established sequence of events, because few things compare to the feeling of letdown and "cheatedness" a reader feels when you tell them that they got excited or involved over nothing, especially in the beginning when the reader willfully suspends his disbelief, and you tell him after a chapter that what he's been reading has no bearing whatsoever.
A saving grace here is that it's in the beginning and likely has no consequences, making it easy to forget about. Edit: so half a day has passed and to reevaluate, this isn't as perplexing as I made it sound before. Since we go in knowing it's a wasteland story, we know that these events are either 1) from the past and largely irrelevant now 2) something the protagonist imagines or dreams 3) or what happened here, VR, so it's not much of a shock that it had little weight in the narrative.
I'm still curious what the purpose behind this intro chapter was, other than having a very restricted peek at the characters before the events of the story begin. Unless VR is something you felt needed to be established (which I personally hope it wasn't because it often has more real alternatives that don't require extreme technology), you might as well have had them play a game of paintball. Well, almost.
There is one thing that benefitted from this, and that's the death of Nosedive. This deus ex introduction of death through VR, and the fact that side characters were killed upon landing in chapter 2 set us up to not expect one of the main cast dying anytime soon. In my opinion, the sudden escalation leading up to his death was executed very well in big part because it was unexpected.
What I also really liked is the loving attention to detail you paid to worldbuilding - things like clouds being used as sponges and showers, to the whole description of pegasus fun time really sold the world, and helped establish the characters as more than just cutouts.
It's funny how no one cares about everyone getting drunk the night before their mission.
I'm on the edge about Snap Roll. She's introduced as Maverick from Top Gun, and while she gains character after our initial meeting with her, I'm a bit worried that she might end up in the "typical FoE heroine" stereotype, especially with Nosedive gone. I might be projecting, but this often comes up in FoE sidefics.
Tailwind's name really says it all - the moment I saw that name I imagined a cheeky, teasing action girl, so that's a well-picked name there, although I have a feeling she'll change after the chapter's happenings. Nosedive was a fine pony as well, he felt like he had substance, he didn't feel to exist for the sole purpose of X or Y.
I liked the dynamic the three of them had, their rollicking was quite intense but it helped us to learn more about the nature of their bond. I'm a bit sad to know I most likely won't be seeing more of them.
And here's a question, chapter 2. If reception was so bad within the storm that they couldn't call headquarters, why couldn't Snap just fly out of the storm, say, above the cloud surface and call from there? I suppose it could be explained away that the storm was too strong to take flight, but I felt it odd that not one character considered it before ditching the idea.
I hope I didn't come off as aggressively critical, it wasn't my intention.
To conclude, I'm really looking forward to what direction the story will take and the way characters/their relationships will develop after the previous events - I really can't help but wonder.
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Firstly, wow, thanks for the review. No, you didn't come off as aggressively critical at all. I've got a rather thick skin when it comes to such things.
Yeah, I get what you're saying with the adjectives. Hopefully that lessens with practice.
On the capitalization note, if you could PM me, I honestly have no idea how capitals work in regards to colons and semicolons. At some point I actually noticed that there were multiple ways I was doing it, and tried to at least standardize that, but it was... a lesser goal, to be completely honest. See what I did there? I have no idea if that's right or not.
On to the spoilery bits *aviators* Be warned, a lot of this is spoilers in the how-the-author-thinks type of thing. Kinda like TVtropes, once you go there you never really leave. Just a heads up. (You're clearly past that point, but for other readers)
Ok, for the VR most of your points actually were pretty much on the money. For one, I needed to establish the combat competency of Falcon flight, and given how chapter two plays out, the reader never gets a chance to properly see that in that segment of the narrative. I needed to establish that, despite all the goofing off that occurs, they are completely competent as a team. A side point of that is that, as an author, I wanted to establish my own style of writing combat. Again, given how chapter 2 pans out I think it's quite obvious that they won't exactly be participating in force-on-force anytime soon, so proper combat is a ways down the road.
Second point, and your main focus, was Nosedive. It isn't much of a spoiler to say that his death has echoes throughout the fic, and I needed to establish him as a character (A likeable, even dynamic one) before ultimately killing him off. Those of us who have read it will recall a certain mare that dies quite early in Heroes. I don't know about you, but I found myself unable to properly feel bad about her death, even when it was expanded on, despite getting the impression that the author wanted me to. I wanted to avoid that, and took great lengths to do so. It seems I was largely successful.
Third point, I needed to give Snap an understanding, at least in passing, of how memory orbs work. For Reasons. She isn't a unicorn, and as such I have no easy way to establish those early on, and it is far too early to introduce the concept of a recollector, or give her one. It wouldn't serve any purpose this early, and needlessly complicate the things Snap carries around with her. Thus it was far easier to segue that knowledge while accomplishing other things. And I also needed to show an example of the sort of "combat experience" she has, because it is an invaluable training aid, and simply alluding to it would feel awkward for the reader.
Also, as a side note, my initial impetus to create chapters P and 01 was to ease the reader into caring for nosedive. In the end, if that was successful, I'm super happy.
I'm glad you liked the worldbuilding. I had to continuously check with pre-readers if I was laying the worldbuilding on a little too thick or not. A couple things actually got cut, in the end.
Especially on the kind of missions that garrison life in the Enclave would produce, shit like what they did the night before would be frowned upon no doubt (if it wasn't, order would deteriorate), but nothing would be done about it unless it hindered actual mission readiness (thus, morale isn't really impacted). Hangovers don't count. Being still drunk when ON the mission would be... probably at least an arrestable offense, possibly discharge.
Heh. Hehe. It truly pleases me that you called out the character basis, as that was exactly what I was going for. In fact, I'll give you a story hint: One of the things that got cut from worldbuilding was a mention that Top Wing is a thing in this setting. Spitfire and Soarin co-star (it's that old. Not too many new movies these days), and its just as cheesy as it is in our world. For my part, I know what you're getting at with the Standard Wasteland Protagonist, and truly hope I avoid that. Time will tell in that regard.
I hope you continue to like Tailwind. Fun things are in store. Not gonna elaborate on that one, it'll happen as it happens. I hope I don't disappoint.
Here's an answer. In chapter two, I do believe I missed my chance to elaborate on it, but as far as pony flight was concerned at the time, 100m is about the limit a pony (even a good flier like Snap) can attain in that weather. I admit I kinda missed that one, but it was there. It is a really, really bad storm. The kind that lasts for days.
I loved responding to that review. I appreciate that so much words can't really explain. The thought that my story inspired such a USABLE, USEFUL response makes me feel all bubbly inside, to use a phrase from Jetwave.
Hope you continue to enjoy!
>40,000 words total
how
I don't really mind not having the level-up perks, it's actually sort of refreshing.
I absolutely love this story so far.
I loved how the chapter begun, a quiet, contemplative, sort of faded-out scene is pretty much the perfect follow up to the ending of the previous chapter. The way you've described how Snap felt looking back on what they did and the decision she made was very effective as well, and I liked that it expanded further on their relationships.
"Warm and smokey building must be uninhabited," hurray for hypothermia!
So at this point in the story I see you're going for a bit more journal-like way of describing the events, which leads to the occasional peculiar description where something is presented rather densely or passively compared to the rest of the text. Did I notice that right?
I know a lot of people who at this point would criticize you for your depiction of the raiders as unnecessarily, incredibly cruel ponies. While it's more or less faithful to the original FoE... Well, /foe/ thread usually says that they are still ponies and should act logically, favoring their good over others' without being psychos.
Of course, this doesn't entirely rule out the barbarous behaviour you bestowed upon them given that they are individuals and not necessarily the average raider.
Ultimately, it depends on whether you consider raiders all psychotic individuals, or do you consider them regular ponies living the life of a plunderer? And secondarily, if they serve a story purpose or not.
Sidenote, I wonder just what is there in the north for a raider to live from, or why ponies don't move south.
Also let me ask you this, have you read Project Horizons? Because, somewhat early Project Horizons spoiler, This "I couldn't save them" motif is the main struggle of its lead protagonist, Blackjack.
As far as emotional development, I'm still curious where Snap, or indeed Tail will go. What we got so far makes sense, although it felt a bit elongated, as if we went through the same points twice by coincidence, once in the first half of the chapter and once in the second. If I read the chapter again I'll try to clarify this.
>“Go, go go Bernard, fast as you can!”
"John Freeman run out of here as fast as you can!"
Then there's DJ-Pon3. Did she really learn about Snap in roughly a day? I'm sensing some secretive connection between the folks Snap's with and Tenpony Tower, then, unless it's just meant to go unexplained, as a reference. And on the side of believability, did Snap really turn on the radio at the exact time to hear it? I know yet again this is kind of a trend in the original FoE, but it's something to think about.
I remember some of /foe/ voicing their displeasure over protagonists who are elevated above others by being talked about - however I do realize this is different in that Snap wasn't the subject of the announcement. Hopefully they'll say what they think about this as well.
In the fight against the big raider, couldn't Snap just hover above him, given that his weapons were on a saddle? Do you think saddles can fire straight up, or maybe it's that the weather wasn't appropriate for hovering?
For the POSSIBLY SPOILERY OMG DONUT READ guess of a future event of the day, the snow of the road was melting because there was a Stable under it, or it's a heated runway because of your Top Gun fetish.
Finally, some typos:
>“Allright, we’ll need cover, [double l]
>and taking aim [double space]
>branching off into what [double space]
>I cut the air my left wing and pushed hard with the right [missing adjective?]
>and I cought on [caught]
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"Allright" (pronounced "arright" if I recall correctly) is actually intentional. Part of the character's unique speech (for lack of a better term) transfered to the journal.
It does, however, appear that a cntrl+f for double spaces in something that'd be a good idea, as for a final read through before uploading.
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A'ight, bit of a wait, was rather busy the last couple days with my girlfriend's birthday. Lets do this.
Firstly, I have hotfixed the technical points, except for "Allright", to which 4784220 is correct, and I would like to expand and tie in to things. For one, and I had to look it up to be honest, apparently "Allright" and "All right" are both correct. I went with the one that was closer to how I imagine her actually saying it.
...Which touches on the next point, the journal-like way of describing events. It is, very much a journal. That is to say, just as FOE is an autobiography, essentially; also, just as Murky is what appears to be an interview, Frozen Skies is written as a running journal. I think it is within reason to point out that Frozen Skies as a whole will certainly take over the week of timeline alluded to in chapter one, so each "book" is essentially a snap-shot (hue) of her emotional state by the time it is written, and I try to point out the instances in which that doesn't necessarily jive with where she is at that point in the story, if that makes sense. In addition to just having the whole thing be as close to as if it were described by the pony herself as I can. Often, that takes the form of the varying degrees of description and sometimes unusual deductions. Granted, some are legitimately derps on my behalf, the smokey, warm building being potentially unnocupied probably was an oversight on my part, but on the whole yes, many of those instances are deliberate. A better example would probably be when Snap originally sees the... captive mare in the underground, and doesn't connect the "thing on her foreleg" to being a pipbuck for a while. Also, the fact that she didn't know what a "wolf" was until it was all but spelled out for her.
On the topic of the raiders, I don't feel the need to justify my stance on them. I saw the argument it sparked on the /foe/ thread, and most of the points I would have brought up were presented there, more or less ending in a zero-sum argument between those two. I feel I presented them in what I find to be a believable role. >Why ponies don't move South(?) Well, those bodies in the corners all got there from somewhere. The raider chief mentions that a lot of the ponies down there had to brave the storms just to survive, and I don't think Chess actually said it, but what is currently occurring is one of the first storms of Winter. A lot of ponies have been doing exactly that lately, heading south.
And on that topic, as for story purpose, I needed to confirm for Snap that some of the stories they hear of the surface definitely have basis in fact. I needed the juxtaposition of the raiders with the generosity of Chess and the ponies around him to make her realize that on the whole things are much more complicated than she expected.
Yeah, I've read PH. Not to poke at it too much, but I believe you're looking a tad far into the "I couldn't save her" thing. The situation bears thematic similarities to the situation surrounding Nosedive's death, and she ended up making, to her eyes, a similar decision - regardless of the fact that it wasn't really a decision that she had the power to change.
On the Pon-3 note... That was largely harkening back to FO3's penchant for the same type of thing. Although... Homage uses the MASEBS towers, largely, to get her info. The fact that she saw what happened, yet Snap cannot get in contact with the same system...IMPLICATIONS. dun dun dun.
The fight against the raider: Snap was well aware of the state of her ammo, and that if she actually did run out (and Bernard wasn't exactly overburdened with ammo either - he was only carrying 15 rounds for the rifle, and two mags for the pistol) while trying to punch through armour instead of going for weak points, she would have ended up actually having to fight him on the ground, and he would have torn her apart. So it wasn't so much that she was threatened in the sky, it was that she could pretty much not do any damage from above.
Ok, the snow not accumulating thing is kinda funny to me, because in short, it is literally just magic.
I mean, it used to be a railway from pre-war times, right. This far in the north, it's just about always snowing to some extent. As they laid it down, it would be relatively easy to have a unicorn or two to place down long-term snow dissipation spells as they laid down the tracks. The tracks themselves were dismantled in the time since, but there wasn't really any reason to dispel the magic.
I appreciate these reviews so much, as well as the artwork. Thanks again, Plain!
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Cool.
I didn't realize the "allright" was intentional because this was the first odd spelling (I noticed) to accentuate her speech. As a side note, I usually use http://en.wiktionary.org to quickcheck words, but words like this are a gray area even without considering artistic freedom.
I was originally going to mention the nitpick that Snap instantly recognizing the wolf skull-helmet the raider was wearing is odd because if she didn't recognize a wolf from how it looks (at least not during the first few mentions), then its skull would be even harder to identify to her, or even unrecognizable unless she just assumes it belongs to a wolf.
Journal. I'm not sure I'm clear on this concept of "books," can you explain? Or did you mean that the initial quote of a chapter is written to be retrospective from the present moment when the journal is being written about the given chapter's events, and the rest of the chapter is written more like if it was happening in real time, but still somewhat like a journal?
The latter I definitely understand, you can't always keep it a plain account of the past because that couldn't be as exciting as a more active description, it wouldn't be as involving for the reader and it might even spoil things. As far as I can tell the original FoE did this too - it is set up to be an autobiography like you said, but it's still written in a way that you practically forget that it is.
With FoE stories usually being as long as they usually are, I was thinking that it could also just represent a major shift in the story. But this is a more elegant reason for it.
It feels a bit like a twist on the original FoE's introduction.
Yeah, it got a little ugly.
I definitely belong in camp "raiders-are-people." You could say I support rap culture. We could try to reconcile it or not, it's really up to you.
I don't know what's gonna happen so I have a harder time judging how integral this theme's going to be, it just strongly reminded me of it so I mentioned it. I'm sure it'll unfold differently.
The weak point explanation makes a lot of sense, yeah. She couldn't get to it from directly above, the best she could have done from that position was delay and waste ammo.
I'd do something more large scale as far as drawing because the characters and setting are both pretty cool but I'm not that good yet, so I just do fun doodles meanwhile. But I do want to see Pencil draw what he said he'd draw.
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The wolf helmet: The one Redeye mare did mention them, "Dove, she's... the wolves... Oh noooooo" (paraphrased). I figured that was enough for Snap to piece things together on that front, and there would have been a bit more conversation with Chess in the morning, so he could have just given a little context to that. I figured going into more detail would have been a little unnecessary. Could I have built in in better? Yeah, probably.
The "Books", so to speak: I hadn't really expanded on what I mean by that, so I probably should. In this context, I am referring to a point at which somepony sat down and actually wrote the entries you, the reader, are reading from the journal, with each "Book" being longer or shorter depending on the time in between entries, and the amount of things that happen in between. The first "Book", as such, comprises the time period of a little over a week from the beginning of the story.
And yes, the rest of your summary of the journal quotes at the beginning is correct, and more detailed than I've actually written it up previously.
I think a treatise on raiders is a bit beyond me at the moment, perhaps later. That one would probably be more appropriate for PM's.
On that last point. Dude, just seeing art of these characters is kinda surreal. Oh, and I'm SURE I'll give pencil something to draw with the next chapter... oh yes.
This is interesting... took me a while to read this chapter because I kept putting it off, but I got to say that I wasn't disappointed.
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Glad you liked it!
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That was a happy accident, actually. And then I went and hotfixed spelling mistakes, and it recalculated. Damn.
4817335
Okay, the battle simulation in the Everfree Forest, while possessing good action, might not have put the right impression on first viewers giving the sudden shift in the setting the next chapter. That being said, the prologue may serve brilliantly if it all comes down full circle and the protagonist finds herself wounded and beaten in the Everfree Forest staring down the barrels of her enemy, the only difference is that this enemy doesn't have stripes.
This story puts a fresh spin on pegasus protagonists in the wasteland, particularly going twisting the normal formula of Enclave Pegasus protagonists. Most times the pegasus witnesses something below the clouds and that necessitates renouncing 18+ years of upbringing and defy orders, by chapter 1 I emphasize. Or on the second path, a colleague or superior back-stabs them during a scouting mission because the protagonist or a relative of theirs was a dissenter. And then for most of the following chapters, the protagonists would occasionally lapse in "Oh noes, the Enclave has betrayed me!" "Wow, the Enclave were jerks the whole time! I'm glad to be rid of them!" So, points for you not sliding into either of these opening expositions. Although it's almost inevitable, it's nice to see Snap regard the Enclave in a positive light.
Even by the end of this chapter, Snap Roll retains a loyal conviction towards The Grand Pegasus Enclave and held close bonds with essentially all her colleagues before the crash scene. One does not simply pull a Calamity and throw away their lives from the Enclave. But you also present Snap Roll not as the maverick willing to disintegrate fillies who run out of their hiding places. But she is merely, for all intents and purposes a foot soldiers who loves her 'country', and there's nothing really malicious about that. Introducing her friends Tailwind and Nosedive was fluid enough, painting them charismatic enough to be Snap's companions throughout the rest of the-(remembers the conclusion of Chapter 2). ...Huh, okay, you do not pull punches. You sure did fool me with that teasy lapdance fanart I caught wind of. Now I just have to write them off as tragic memories in hindsight.
But you handled well with Snap Shot struggling with leaving her friend, to knowingly make the call to sacrifice him (thankfully which he did willingly which may ease some of her conscience) and the regrets she felt afterwards, particularly never having reciprocated Nosedive's advances back when they had numerous chances.
Thankfully the other ponies who took residence in that building were more-or-less Samaritans (as far as a former Wasteland Vigilante, Nemo and a shell-shocked cynic named Bernard could count as Samaritans compared to the other fauna of the frozen north), and giving us a good scene with Tailwind being frisky being near death from torture and hypothermia.
A good opening three chapters (minus the prologue). And any other nitpicks I may have, Plain has already spelled it out; How DJ-PON3 was notified so fast and found the event worth talking about; and there being a necessity to present the raiders with more variety aside from the truck-tired armored maniacs. Monsters of the wasteland come in many forms, as they say.
Sidenote: I do deduce that given the crucified mare Snap euthanized had Stable barding, chances are Snap and Tailwind will be coming across where she had came from...or the remains of the Stable, given there's no other reason a Stable Dweller would embark to the cold.
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Sorry I took so long to respond. I've been busy lately and I'm posting from my phone. And near the end it isn't letting me select any text... let it be known I hate fimfiction's mobile side for all but reading.
That's a lot of praise, very much appreciated. Not too much I can comment on there while avoiding potential spoilers (I have recently been chastened by some of my editors after being... ahem, a tad liberal with the comments), so there's a lot that I can just say: "Wait and see, it'll come up eventually." But one thing I can say is that the "traditional" view of the Enclave protagonist is one that I never could sympathize with. Calamity's reasons for leaving were mixed very much with internal issues - the Enclave itself was a hostile place to him in many ways, and when stories try to duplicate his decision, it often comes off as too much too fast.
seems like something to read.
Awesome update. I am looooving this story!
Also, 'Stabletech' is spelled 'Stable-Tec', unless you purposely put it that way for a reason.
After reading a few chapters, I gotta say. I like this story, I like the setting, the premise of it, I even laughed at the Frosty Winds cameo. Keep it up
Woop! More great story and more character development. I may have missed something but that "romance" came out of left field. I didn't think they were serious, more like flirty friends.
4939626 Thanks, we've since fixed it.
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Thanks, totally blanked on that one before being reminded. As 4945245 said, that got hotfixed.
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Always glad to see a new face. Hope it continues to deliver as we go forward.
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I've been tossing hints at their relationship, this was one of the more... obvious indicators of where they're at. I kinda wanted to solidify where exactly they were at just in case anything was up in the air in that regard (though that wasn't the only reason for the scene, it's the most pertinent one to the relationship).
I'm rather fond of stable relationships, and often I've seen people attest that they are comparatively boring from the perspective of a story's natural progression. I'd like to put that to the test, such as I am able.
4945855 Coldfixed*
So glad I'm in a nice, metal tank... Wait... Eh, there's no wind chill.
4945914
Did you just... was that a Last Sentinel pun?
4945855 I just took the hints as flirting, maybe a unacted upon crush but now I definitely know where they stand. It'll be interesting to see how their relationship continues under the gloomy sky of the wasteland.
4946476 Yeah... Let's go with that! Subconscious puns are still puns. Or maybe cameos? Hmm... Oh look,
a distractionsomepony licked a metal pole!Uh, this might be a nit-pick here, but I was under the impression that the Everfree stable (That was titled 101) was the last one constructed? I might be wrong though.
Anyway, really great chapter, thanks for the updates
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Hmm... I will get back to you on that one.
Glad I've kept your interest. I'm hoping to keep up the current update pace for another two to three chapters, then maybe have a bit of a break... Not a hiatus, more like an intermission, I suppose.
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4963078
Stable 101 was, on the stable tec mainframe, the last stable listed as completed. But that doesn't mean that there weren't any more. If you were constructing a stable and the world ended, you'll damn well want to stay if it's remotely near completion. And there's all sorts of other stable-like places, secret stables, copied stables, and such in various headcanons.
There's no reason stable tec wouldn't have been contracted for military shelters and other private works (such as a corporate stable). Private shelters wouldn't be listed with the 'Public' ones, after all. If I bought a stable, I wouldn't want anyone else to know, and I'd pick a number to plaster everywhere; simply because a listing of "Clear Skies Manufacturing Stable" on any scrap of paper would be a potential giveaway to the location, while "Stable 187" could be anywhere. As for military bunkers, "Missile Shelter no. 7" or "Supplies & Weaponry Depot no. 3" is a bit of a clue as to if it's your secret instillation or a typical, easy to ignore shelter.
Or only stables who had all their passes sold were listed as complete, which is also possible.
4963411 I guess that would make sense, but in FoE its mentioned that in Manehatton there's a corporation of traitors, and hidden underneath their base is a bunker, that would have been simply labeled as a "Bunker".
)but it should be more tolerant. Always good to hear others headcanons, so thanks for sharing!
Besides, in the games, Vaults are said to take around seven years to complete, sometimes more, sometimes less. They all cost a massive sum of money to complete though, and thus were limited to 120 or so Vaults.
I think it would be safe to say that in FoE the CMC got as many bits as possible, so I wouldn't expect there to be that many contracted, or "completed" Stables. Mislabeling I can understand, but Stable barding on this pony in particular implies he is from a Stable as well.
Anyway, I actually enjoyed you're headcanon. I generally lose my suspension of disbelief when I see some Stables labeled ridiculously high (700 Stables? I wouldn't think so, even with everything you just said.
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Honestly I'd originally missed that detail, but 4963411 is perfectly in line with how I'd see things being, I don't really have anything to add on that account. The number in and of itself is ultimately rather inconsequential, all things considered.
4966388 I wouldn't worry about it too much in this case, mostly it just takes my attention off a story, but generally when the Stable is number Seven hundred and fifty eight or something along those lines.
It doesn't really matter too much here though. Thanks for taking the time to confirm and all though.
Just knocked out the Prologue and Chapter 1, and I wanted to get my thoughts down before crashing for the night.
First up, and this is important, I really am enjoying the story. Snap Roll is an endearing character, a squad leader protective of those under her command, except here it's mixed with a kind of naivete. She has every reason to understand the gravity of military life, but at the same time her lack of practical experience does show. Frosty's right, they are actually somewhat pampered with only simulations to go by. It's funny, I was going to make a comment about how, while the action in the prologue was exciting and engaging, and really showed their teamwork, it was clear from very early on that it wasn't really happening, setting aside the zebras and the engagement at ground level. I couldn't quite put my finger on it, but pretty much at the time Tailwind got shot is when I figured this was some kind of dream, or training run of some kind. Which actually feeds into Snap Roll's inexperience. While she has the training, I feel like her first taste of real combat will be different.
I do have a couple of critiques here. Not major ones, though. First up, the paragraphs of exposition kinda felt like they went on too long, narrated as they were. It kinda started to lose interest a little down when Snap started talking about cloud seeding. I completely support the fact that you've made Frozen Skies that much more accessible, but I think some lines of that could have been integrated into dialogue, or scenes in the club. Taking cloud seeding as an example, maybe not including the whole history, but just introducing the idea when Snap was realizing there was real vodka in her drink? Again, this is just me typing this up because I feel like it's a disservice to say that I didn't care for something without explaining. Did I mention it's also 1 in the morning?
Anyway, the other part of this that I recoiled at was Snap saying she was glad the Sergeant's wife died in childbirth. It would have been different if she had recoiled at that incredibly dark thought after having it, but she didn't, and it was pretty jarring.
It was a minor complaint though, and once it got into the swing of the chapter, it was a lot of fun to read. I love the design of the club, and the pegasi dancing. It makes perfect sense really, and made for a really fantastic mental image. The drinking song was great, too, and you had me humming it to the tune of my own old drinking song, Piano Man.
Gonna go ahead and wrap this up for now, but again I'm enjoying the story so far, really curious to see where it goes. More particularly, what their mission is. Like Frosty said, what do they even do? What is their mission? I guess I'll have to find out!