Our imagination flies -- We are it's shadow on earth.
A little after Babs' departure from Ponyville, Silver Spoon and Diamond Tiara decide to resume their cruel antics. After Apple Bloom mentions it in a letter to Babs, strange things begin to happen to Diamond and Silver. The real mystery is the strange things only happen while the two spoiled ponies bully the Cutie Mark Crusaders.
Edited by: StarFlies
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cute!!
4637548
Thanks! It means much
Way to go Babs, "Rock" DT & SS world. Pun intended.
Good job with the story!
Cute idea, but it could use another editing pass with someone who knows what they're doing, I'm afraid.
First problem: dialogue punctuation. When you have dialogue followed by a dialogue tag that describes who said the dialogue and how, you must treat the whole thing as one single sentence. If the character's spoken dialogue is supposed to end with a period, as opposed to a ? or !, you must use a comma instead, and you must not capitalize the first word after the closing " mark unless it's a proper name, or the pronoun "I". Like this:
If the character's spoken dialogue does end with ? or !, you use them as normal, but you still treat dialogue + tag as a single entity and do not capitalize the next word after the closing quote.
Only if what follows the dialogue is not a who-said-it-and-how tag, but a separate action or thought which is not connected to the dialogue, do you treat them as separate entities:
Here, the orange is Apple Bloom's dialogue, while the purple is a narrative description of Apple Bloom's actions after she finishes speaking, not describing who said the dialogue or how, so they're (correctly) treated as two separate entities.
Next problem: Weird dialogue attributions. For the most part, you should stick with the basics -- "said", "asked", "replied." Don't use words like "snapped", "yelled", etc, unless it's essential to get across a specific tone of voice for emotional impact -- and definitely don't use words like "defended", which aren't "speech verbs" at all, in place of "said." You can say
because "defensively" is used as an adverb describing the tone of voice in which the dialogue was "said", but you should not use "defended" as a substitute for "said."
Don't do this. It's not necessary, and it breaks the immersion of the story. Just put a scene separator as usual.
Don't do this, either. The author should not directly address the reader in a story written in 3rd-person perspective. Even in 1st-person, it should usually be avoided. (There are exceptions to this rule, of course, but it really only works if the entire story is structured so that the narrator is an active participant who makes his presence known to the reader from the beginning, such as the Lemony Snicket books.)
Next:
Don't mix past and present tenses. Pick one or the other, and use it consistently throughout; either present tense:
or past tense:
Most stories are written in past tense; while it is possible to write in present-tense alone, or even to write a story in which some scenes are present-tense while flashback scenes are in past tense, it's best to stick to past tense, especially when starting out.
What?
Not bad for a second effort, overall, but pay more attention to the grammar and spelling details, and maybe expand on the premise a bit more next time; there's a lot that could've been done with this.
4638125
I will tell my editor as well
Thank you for notifying me about this
I liked it I just wish it could have been longer like more parts where they get pelted with rocks and maybe even give up then babs showed herself but I still really like it!
I like the window part LOL 
4638672
I'm glad you enjoyed the story
Thanks
Seemed a little rough on the pacing and rushed at the end. Howver, that being said it was a very cute idea and I liked the characterization. Good job!
4638882
Thanks for reading
Thank you and I admit I rushed it at the end, I was typing and I looked at the time and I was late for work
Interesting short story. I like it. It seems rushed though.
A bit short. I was expecting a bit more from the description. Rock tossing isn't weird, it's painful. And not too hard to tell what direction the rock came from after hitting you.
The DT sicking Rumble on the girls. Geez. That colt is going to get his keester kicked by his big bro and others if word got out he beat up fillies.
Wait. You ship Diamond and Rumble? That's cute.
You'd think she'd act all 180 when he's around or something and the CMC try to take advantage of DT's sucking up to that colt. Sounds like a decent story idea, if only I wasn't so lazy towards fiction writing.
But yeah, rock throwing is going to get Babs in hot water. Only so many rocks she can carry before DT finds her and those two get into kicking and biting each other. xD
Anyhow, would of been nice to see things go a bit longer, DT and SS tripping on banana peels, maybe a prank or two. It was less comedy and more SL and almost bordered Dark with Rumble almost attacking the CMC there.
Decent story. But also, "two mares"? DT and SS are still fillies, young mares. Calling any of the fillies mares can be confusing as saying "the two adults squealed in perfect unison.", but aside from the Rumble bit, the quick reveal and rock flinging, I think it was a decent short.
This one believes in al truths that DT and SS are mean
Guess who's back.
Back again
Barbara's back.
Tell a friend.
Awesome story! Hopefully Maud comes by with a rock cannon and...well...you know THROW AN AWESOME ROCK PARTY!
Seriously though, the more I read these stories, the more I wanna pick up a boulder, launch it with Pinkie's party cannon and hope it lands in Diamond's house... at night... on her face.
I love Babs. Fimfiction should have an emoticon so she can join the CMC's
