Recon
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I am linkin it. Don't forget to mention the magic for walking on clouds and stuff.
this is less a chapter, and more of a short description of one.
Still, a good start, will track for now.
I like this so far, but there's just one thing; Although it does get her in Dash's house, why didn't Twilight ask the rest of her friends? It's possible that she could have asked already, but why not show that?
God damnit Jumpity, Twilight likes Rainbow Dash, that's why she didn't ask anyone else.
This does not read like the build up for a shipping story. It reads like an excuse for one. "Suddenly Celestia boots Twilight from her home with no warning" is not feasible. Even if the beuracracy have the right to boot a Citizen out of their home with no warning and No time to gather possesions, the fact that Twilight is the student of the one issuing the orders and has a nigh instant Magical means of Communication means Twilight would have some Prior knowledge. Secondly, Twilight is inherantly Practical. She wouldn't ask the One freind she has who lives in a home in a place where she's unable to transport herself to and from without something aiding her and has to cast a spell on herself so she won't plummet to a Pulp-y, crater-y demise before asking her 4 OTHER freinds, all of whom live firmly on the ground and would be just as able, if not more so, to accomidate her. Lets run through the list from least to most likely:
Rainbow Dash: Cons: Aforementioned Demise is a possibility, No place to store Spike.
Pros: Allows story to continue as intended Rating: Nessesary
Pinkie Pie: Cons: Lives in a flat above her place of work. No spare rooms, Not her Property, Twi finds her annoying when she spends too much time near her.
Pros: *Shrug* Less likely to cause Demise? At least of the plummeting variety? Rating: Bad
Fluttershy: Pros: Fluttershy'd go out of her way to make sure Twi enjoyed her stay
Cons: Small house, Crowded with animals, Angel bunny, Close to the Everfree, Long walk to town. Rating: Passable
Rarity: Pros: Free trips to the Spa, Likely free Clothing, In the middle of town so any commutes wouldn't be much father than normal.
Cons: Rarity's OCD, Overamouros Dragons
Rating: Possibly not great
Applejack: Pros: Damn good cook, Country Hospitality, House big enough to hold Fifty berjillion Members of the Applefamily (as seen during the reunion), Helping out around the farm as Something to do so she wouldn't go stircrazy but wouldn't nessesarily be Required of her, what with her being a City Slicker and a Bookworm, Big Macintosh to Ogle (if she's not Strictly a Mare's Mare)
Cons: Sleep schedual, MAYBE. (Considering she's the personal student of the sun goddess, it can be assumed she'd be fine with Waking early. She's even shown to wake up before dawn a few times.) *shrug* Can't really think of much else
Rating: Pretty durned good
Maybe spend a few Paragraphs Detailing Why Rainbow is most Logical choice. While Pinkie can be dismissed out of hand, The others need just a little exposition. Maybe Flutsy is treating some sick snakes, Rarity has a massive order and AJ is having another Reunion. Maybe those three won a group trip to Acapulco. Whatever lets you fly your Freak flag as well as keeps your audiance from pointing out plot holes
Take from this comment what you will. In the end though, it's your fic, so have fun with it in any case, no matter what you end up doing.
Lordlyhour, The guy who'd rather write mini-essays instead of sleeping, Away!
How do I fucking pronounce this!?
@LordlyHour - Thanks for the time to put in your feedback. I've taken in consideration your criticism, and I see that some of your points are valid. I guess I do have some more detail to go into ;) I think I'll kick off the third chapter with that, explaining why she was left no choice except Dash.
Should I also go back and revise the reason she cannot stay for the library, or would you guys rather me keep it unchanged? And also, if the former, what suggestions do you have to make it seem more of a reason, rather an excuse?
Thanks for your feedback and support
Edit: Or perhaps instead of explaining in the second chapter, should I also just add some detail in as to why she wouldn't reside with the others?
I'm liking the story so far. Kinda ironic with the story line though, considering that less then 8 hours ago I read a story that was almost identical to this but with the roles reversed.
TERMITE INFECTION! HOW GENIUS, I'M SUPRIRSED NOONE THOUGHT OF THIS IDEA!
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Its a good beginning and the dialogue is solid. Though I think you should maybe rewrite this chapter to set the beginning of the story to answer the concerns LordlyHour brought up. Still, you have a good foundation here and I hope you continue this story.
Tracking and giving a thumbs up.
Actually, scratch that. I've just decided to rewrite chunks of the story to accomodate for LordlyHour's critique; it's up and posted now. Go reread it if you want. I'm hoping to get the second chapter up and posted by Friday. I'm in New York for vacation, and I'm trying to squeeze in as much writing as I can between train rides and sleeping. Thanks for the support everypony!
433914
You never answered cosmonauts question...
434619
Ah, I must have skipped it. The answer is, I don't know. My French friend suggested it as a title over text, and I never caught the pronunciation. I'm going to guess its something like "couture", but I'm not entirely sure.
As for the story, I'm going to try and write up a good chunk of Chapter 2 by tonight, and hopefully publish a finished result by Thursday. Thanks for the favorites and ratings everypony, it really means alot.
On my read it later list, as for the pronunciation, check here and you can play an audio clip438603
Thanks! And the vast majority of the story will be from Twilight's perspective, but we might see some Rainbow Dash and other ponie's thoughts down the road. Don't worry, the next couple chapters are going to be slower paced, I want the story to develop itself as it goes on. I didn't really want it to be one of those "and then they kissed in chapter 2, the end." type of stories, even though it seems like it's going to go that way at the moment. Don't worry guys, it won't ^.^ I just wanted to quickly develop a foundation for the story to begin, and to hook readers.
Pretty good so far. I like TwiDash stories, so keep it up :D
Like where the story is going but some advice would be to "show" more of what Twilight is noticing about Dash. (eg. add some more dialogue that has her drifting from her normal habits of poking fun at Twilight and trying to somewhat some that softer more caring side to herself.)
You also might want to try to not take the characters thoughts and put them directly into the dialogue (eg. She knew Celestia would arrange to have it fixed. "It's okay, Rainbow," she whispered. "I know Celestia will arrange to have it fixed." She nuzzled Rainbow. "It's okay, really." ) if your going to have to mention something like what was thought, it's normally best to summarise it and reword it.
Transitioning between scenes in diferent places in a short time could be a little clearere too, like when you have Dash bring Twilight into the house there isn't really any part that says that they entered the house or what it looked like on the inside (or for most of the setting on that note, no offence.) you kinda just say that their there.
Also the last line doesn't make the most sense, concidering the rest of the chapters context but thats not really an issue. It might just seem rather odd to some people. (I'd try rewording it to something like, "Hey, sorry I was gone so long." or in a more Dash esque way, "Told you I'd be back." or someting along those lines.)
All in all try working on more descriptive settings, more depth to diaogue and transitioning from scene to scene. Over all great story so far with potential to be even better after some polishingis done. Great job my friend.
447051
Thanks for the input - my friend who majors in literature actually agreed to help me with these types of things, and I'll try to do some of the touchups that you mentioned, and keep those mistakes in mind for the third chapter.
Also, keep in mind, this is my first fanfiction (or any other type of literature) that I've ever posted online for others to rate and comment on, so I still have many imperfections and improvements to make down the road.
And everypony, please, leave a like if you enjoyed the story. It really helps give a better outlook of the public opinion, or if you disliked it, leave a comment why.
Regards.
Transitional scene and awkward endings have been changed.
Cliffhangers... WHY
End of Authors Note...
cdnet.myxer.com/tn/c/1762738/big/?t=2009032865313
Loved the chapter and the ever socially oblivious Twilight.
Oh gosh.. what has Dash got herself into now?
Seems a little rushed if you ask me, and Dash Crashing that much in one day? seems odd.
Over all its not bad, and I am going to keep reading.
Hummm, Not bad. not bad at all.
Ouch, Rainbow is probably pretty beaten up if she passed out.
Short update is better than no updates! I liked this one, huzzah plot development!
I gotta say, the author comment you made was pretty epic! Loving the story, and I agree that short updates are definitely better than none!
Why is every author travelling so much?!!
Eh, I guess it's where you get your inspiration...
I take it Spitfire is close friends with Pinkie?
485327
I was traveling because of spring break. Whenever I get time off, I usually like to capitalize on it, seeing as I barely ever do.
485446
Why do you say that?Ah, because she broke the fourth wall. I see what you did there.She faceplanted going faster than sound? Ouchy.
485579
Into clouds, so it's 'kay. A little.
Almost.
But not really.
485618
Eh, she's smashed through tree trunks and solid rock before. This is just a daily headache for her. I'm sure it'll pass pretty soon.
Awesome. I'm also loving your other story, Midnight Gem. Keep updating both, I love them
Interesting, another good chapter. Although i must say... Rainbow's change seems a bit sudden to me (although it could be from the crash I suppose?), and your use of 'cultivated' to describe Rainbow's new personality is... interesting. Cultivated relates to plating crops, so I think (completely IMHO BTW) something along the lines of refined, civilized, polite, polished, etc. might work a little better. All in all certainly an enjoyable chapter, especially since I can always fall for a Dash ship! I await more
496824
Cultivated? When the hell...
And thanks for the input, it means alot.
496839
My pleasure, I know how satisfied I am when I get a comment on my story, so I try to return the favor to others. As a side note, I am glad my comment helped as well
Woo some love is getting mixed in, yay.
496824 Oh man its like you can use words that have ONE meaning to describe another thing! BLOWIN MY MIND MAN
*insert picture along the lines of BRILLIANT here*
:D
I have a tiny bitsy question about
what happened to him??? he is twilight's assistant that lives with her... and that with the sonic rainboom wasn't that just convenient for you?... you can't break the 4th wall like that :p
but other then that i liked it
500820
Thankyou!
508859
Hmm, I think I explained it in the first chapter. I'll have to look back and check some time.
Fifth chapter is live, gimme some feedback. ^.^
This is a cute story. Twidash has always been my favorite shipping.
But the story feels a bit rushed. There wasn't a whole lot of inner searching and contemplation of emotions between the two.
Still a good story though. Just could use a little spit and polish.
i love twiddash
and how it is love in an oppisites attract kinda way
I don't see it as rushed...
Is vonderbar!
Bah, I'm not German... never mind.
It's wonderful! Turn it up!
Wow, mixed results. I could see some twists and stuff being added. -.-
"pony-betes"
Excellent. I don't think this is rushed, yes I have read deeper stories but that doesn't necessarily make it rushed. One very minor editing note: Rainbow casually laughed.” <-- this part has a spare quotation mark at the end of the sentence. Other than that, another excellent read and I will continue to watch my fave bar
Thanks guys <3