The sexiest man you've ever met.
A deranged human journalist is invited to explore the newfound world of Equestria, the land of magic and whimsy and adventure. To the ire of everyone involved, and especially Twilight, he isn't particularly impressed.
Things get messy when he decides to become the self-appointed savior of humankind and assassinate one of the princesses.
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SIC SEMPER EQUESTRIANIS?
interesting
All the stuff about the steel industry and Gary Indiana feels utterly pointless, I know your trying to accent that Joram is a flipping lunatic, but it feels like padding.
Ahh yes the fundamentalist Zelot who sees evil, murder, and malice in every smiling face, every helpful gesture, every kind word and every innocent soul. The man who crushes hope under his boot heel in the name of peace, turns potential allies into powerful enemies and practices his religion by breaking every single tenet and spitting on it's principals.
And remember folks before you too offend, that's a fundamentalist zelot, not the true believe.
i cant wait for more!!!
Hell yes, this is just the breath of fresh air the HIE genre needed...
More please.
Ahh, I just hate him so so much. What a gross, inadequate and deluded example of a human. Ew. Such a shame that he went through the portal, when others would have been so much nicer!
Ahh, I'm so sad now.
Twilight was so happy to meet him!
I hope you chose to write more, please, though. Very nice story, and very original.
This is obviously really well detailed, but not in a typical sense. Your descriptions of not only scene, but character, were so intimate that I was enamoured by the opening scenes. Too often fanfic writers lack characterization, its almost inherent to the category, but your writing manages to set a scene that does more than tell me what to see. I find the descriptions brilliant, sad and even humorous all at once. I'm likely in the minority about that, but take it for what you will.
Moving on to chapter two now.
Was fear and loathing in las Vegas an influence?
5628099
Maybe not that one in particular, but Hunter S. Thompson's work in general, very much so.
This is genius. I tried to write a Hunter Thompsonish story once, but I didn't do it as thoroughly as you did. You're telling a story through a narrator who perceives the symbolism behind one interpretation of reality instead of perceiving reality.
Some minor grammar/semantics problems.
It's interesting that Joram is psychotic, and amoral whenever he deals with real people, but highly principled, and makes a good argument for his point of view. And Gregory makes a good case for his point of view.
The Also Liked selection is bizarre.
Perrsonally, I'd have let him kill Twilight in the end, to show that the Equestrians pay a cost for his beliefs, and so he's more serious, represents more of a real threat. Maybe something else, to show Earth paying a cost, too. The ending would be tighter then, going straight from killing Twilight, to killing the pony in the street, to "When I finish, I will escape, find my way to the Everfree Forest, and, in the name of all humanity, find a manticore to administer deserved justice unto me and tear open my throat," followed by the editorial. (I would hate to lose his regret over the Snickers bar, tho.)
His arguments in this chapter aren't very good. That changes the story more toward just "story about a single psychotic madman" rather than "thought-provoking story about a visionary extremist who actually has a point." You could come up with better arguments for why war, conflict, and competition are good.
But it's a great story the way you did it.
5644994
I felt that the Equestria portion of the story was weaker than the first half, too, and I think that's for a lot of different reasons, including what you pointed out. I actually think this story would work a lot better if it wasn't tied to FiM at all, mostly because Twilight's character doesn't play off of Joram's well and Equestria as the setting doesn't really add anything that any other generic fantasy setting couldn't. I've been working on a original fiction version, and I'll definitely keep your feedback in mind!
I don't think the Also Liked section knows what to do with stories that have less than twenty favorites.
Definitely DEFINITELY needs a dark tag. Those looking for a quirky HiE story will get much more than they bargain for. This story feels at times like a critique of the fandom, written by someone who doesn't like it very much, but that doesn't make it bad:
Plot: 4 / 5 ; ABOVE AVERAGE
Writing: 4 / 5 ; ABOVE AVERAGE (though the analogies are trying WAY too hard)
Interesting take on the genre, compelling protagonist with an internal consistent logic, a biting style that comes near the original inspiration, a great story.
Maybe the second part could be improved by extending the interview in a slightly more articulated discussion, as it feels a bit rushed.
Congrats! http://www.equestriadaily.com/2015/03/story-along-softly-on-tongue.html
Dammit, when I read the title on Equestria Daily, I thought this was gonna be a romantic fanfic. How wrong I was.
But the HoofBitingQuestionOverload...
Did Twilight benefit from the advance preparations of the Pink Prepper???
I mean... This WAS an eyepatch emergency of the highest order!
Oh hey, another well written story I don't have the guts to read!
5204686 So why couldn't this guy have been named Mohammed Hussein Bin Ladin the 3rd?
Or right, because only Christianity is bad.
Just callin' it like I see it!
Gotta be honest, though. Any journalist chosen to visit an alien world would have psychological testing up and down to ensure they wouldn't try anything this stupid. This story is LOOKING for a problem, without considering the practicalities.
Geez, did they think to check this guy for those little marks on the back of his neck that showed he'd been plugged into a Shadow vessel? Cuz that's the entire Shadow vs Vorlon philosophy thing going on there...
Sheridan would totally kick his ass.
5729115
Umm I'm confused what exactly are your criticizing me for? for saying their is a difference between a fundamentalist Zelot and a believer? Or are you saying only Christians can be Fundamentalist Zelots? Fundamentalists are present in all religions, they believe their religion is right anyone who isn't of their religion is wrong or outright evil. Zelots believe anything they do in the name of their region is justified, even if it breaks the rules of said religion. It doesn't matter what religion they are. Muslim, Christian, Hindu, or even Atheist fundamentalist zelots are crazy and dangerous people.
5729456 Just noting the typical slant in the many fics like this I've read.
And there are many... so many fics where crazy Christian tries/succeeds to kill Twilight.
Regardless of that, it's impossible to suspend disbelief in this story. There's just no way this guy would have gotten anywhere near the portal unless he somehow snuck through. I could even have bought this if it was a random assassin story where thousands of people were travelling back and forth and one nut slipped through the cracks. That would be at least somewhat plausible, though a little farfetched if he'd brought the weapon with him through the portal which in ANY scenario would have TSA-like screening on Earth side, and magical scanning on the Equestrian side. But going through official channels in a situation with still-limited access to Equestria? Having a weapon right there in his bag? Nope. Not happening.
5730010
What about this character seemed Christian to you?
Also, at what point in the story were described required security clearances, whether and what security characters felt was necessary, and how this particular person factually and truly passed through them?
Feel free to criticize the story, but please make sure your criticisms are based on actual elements that exist within the story.
5730045 And you have utterly missed the point.
THE POINT: If this was a PLAUSIBLE SITUATION where we had come into contact with aliens from another dimension who wished for peaceful relations, the portal would be GUARDED LIKE FORT KNOX and everyone going through would be grilled as intensely as those dudes who have the nuke keys.
The fact that this nut waltzed through the portal and no one apparently bothered to so much as glance sideways at him is absurd.
5734921
Or is your argument still just, 'It's impossible because I say so.'
Stop trying to understand the world described in the story based on how you think it should work, and instead try to understand it as it is actually described. Don't ignore the character's identity fraud. Don't ignore that the portal site was clearly in chaos. Don't ignore that Twilight was actively pushing for who she thought this character was to be brought through the portal. Don't ignore that portal security actively contradicts this character's version of events. Don't ignore that this character had zero intention of harming Twilight until the very moment he stepped into the portal. Stop taking a story at face value that explicitly tells you multiple times not to take it at face value.
5735193 I can't ignore all those things.
I can't ignore the fact that nothing regarding them is explained and what is presented makes absolutely no sense whatsoever.
This... this was something. Something amazing.
In proper gonzo journalism style, this story bends and even discards the truth in favour of not just a more interesting narrative, but to jam the reader head-first into the narrator's point of view, to force us to see things through his eyes whether we want to or not. The contempt Joram has for the soft pastel peaceful land of Equestria, which has no predator drones or Gary, Indiana, is in every observation and every meandering aside drilling in the message over and over that we do not belong there, we humans, we murderers, we warmongers. Us and them are water and oil (or maybe sodium); you can't just put a human in Equestria and expect things not to burn down all around them. The reassertion of the "true" events between Joram's perspective feel like a front, a flimsy cover-up that the Gregorys of the world would buy into -- did he actually kill Twilight? we can't know -- and keep nagging at the reader to consider the wider application of the story we keep being taken out of: this is about humans in Equestria, and it's fucking bedlam. A portal between here and there is ridiculous. Going there is ridiculous. Living there is ridiculous. This goes beyond satire and parody and straight-up calls the whole HiE genre out for being neckbeardy silliness, and it does it in the most appropriate, visceral, and vicious manner I could imagine. Well done.
There is something that is just absolutely delightful and positively hilarious about the writing here. I have not been so mesmerized by deranged insanity since first seeing Discord. The strange, foreign logic which the main character follows is just so much fun to read as the nonsense formed a pattern. This is pure, beautiful subversion.
5730045 Wow, I really didn't get this story the first time I read it.
Coming back after 4 years of studying the history of religion and philosophy, it makes sense to me, tho maybe not in the way HBAO intended?
'Coz to my reading now, Joram is Catholic. I don't understand why he calls himself Joram, a name used by no one today; Joram was a king of Israel generally considered wicked (the prophet Elisha instigated the revolt against him), and the way Jehu "cleansed" the earth of all of Joram's living relatives, killing 74 people of that family in all, is a prime example of the purification behavior "Joram" in this story wants to engage in. I'd understand if he'd called himself "Jehu" instead.
Anyway: Joram goes into a Catholic Church and says it's good to see God's work being done; he lists paganism and Protestantism as coming from Pandora's box, which only a Catholic would do, and goes thru a long list of religions which came from Pandora's box in which Catholicism (more generally, orthodoxy before the Great Schism) is the most-notable religion not mentioned. Later he lists Martin Luther as one of those who drove humans to violence and discord, which only a Catholic would do (not that there isn't truth to it, but only Catholics are still angry at him), altho he also mentioned FDR, whose supporters were largely Catholic. He refers to God's will, says humans need God to know the value of human life (a thing Buddhists & Hindus wouldn't say, as human life is to them not valuable), knows stories from the Old Testament, and at all times seems to be coming from a Christian POV. The whole "purify the world by killing those who are different" thing was burned out of Judaism by 2000 years of occupation and diaspora, so he can't be Jewish. He hates Protestantism. Logically, he has to be Catholic, tho not everything fits well with that, at least not to stereotypical modern Catholicism. Of course Joram is obviously an anti-Vatican 2 Catholic, so wouldn't be a typical Catholic.
I think HBAO doesn't emphasize Joram's particular religion and sect, because the view he represents is much more general. The Catholic Church is just one of many philosophies, religions, & ideologies with a history of killing anyone who disagrees with their desire to impose a strict and eternal order on human society, or with their particular ways of doing it.
My interpretation doesn't quite fit, tho, bcoz Joram welcomes the decay of Gary, Indiana, & the chaos of the Everfree. If this is supposed to represent chaos & disorder, then this represents the polar opposite viewpoint of Catholicism, and of the sort of people who have the sort of narrative that Joram has, about society being corrupted by degenerate ideas, and needing to be violently cleansed. Puritans of all stripes always favor order and stasis over disorder and change, and people who embrace chaos don't engage in mass purges, and are usually relatively tolerant and non-violent. If it represents destruction and decay, that would make Joram the kind of "Puritan" who rejoices at seeing the decay of a "decadent" society--but I don't get that vibe from it, certainly not from the Everfree.