1. Member Since 22nd Mar, 2012
  2. offline for 1w, 12h

Kawaii on the streets, senpai in the sheets

Featured In17

  • ...
 1,373
 4,652
This story has been marked as having adult content. Please click below to confirm you are of legal age to view adult material in your country.

Confirm
#1 · 228w, 3d ago · · · 1.The end ·

First part down, many to come.

                   :pinkiecrazy:

I was honestly expecting a crossover with Cry Of Fear or Afraid Of Monsters.

Those two Half Life mods are awesome. It was the picture that drew me in. A bit disappointed but I don't really care.

>>458873

Way to be rude. Cut him some slack, will ya?

While I usually find second person to be a pain to read, this story is doing a good job. I like it.

TRACKING

“Umm, partner, you feelin’ alright, cause you got a weird look on yer face.” Applejack said with a hint of concern in her voice.

With this you snap back to reality, “Oh yeah, sorry, I just have always liked cooking, the smell of good food,

and his eye is facing the other way.

ME GUSTA

I like this story. Second person is a bit weird yea, but I can read it pretty easily. I also like the choices of music in the previous chapters. Those are also some of my favorite songs. I've listened to KoRn and Avenged Sevenfold for a while. I even have a few of their albums. When I ran into you and your music choices I thought 'FINALLY! Someone who has a good music choice besides me'...no offense to those who disagree. But overall really nice story. It's also quite interesting. Also, I am an animal lover as well. I like all types...except spiders...I hate spiders :twilightangry2:...there's just something about them...I believe it's the eyes...yea..the eyes...that's it..or maybe the fangs...I don't know..but I also have a cat. I've had him for 3 years, and he's the most hyperactive cat I've seen. I swear sometimes he acts like a human the way he lays down. Unlike most cats he actually likes to have his belly rubbed, which I thought was odd. Still...having a pet snake and lizard. That's kinda cool. I can also understand dealing with a cat that's mostly blind as well. My cousin has..well...had...a kitten that was actually born without one of it's eyes and was blind in the other. It didn't live long sadly...but it did put up a fight. Still...I hate it when animals die, especially when you're attached to them. It's like a part of you dies with them. Oh well...enough typing. I'll be waiting for the next chapter :pinkiehappy:

Haven't gotten a chance to read it yet, but damn that cover art is creepy. Tracked for later.

JR

I have to thank you for having the thought of the flesh wound reference in there since a part of the chapter would be missing without it in my opinion haha! Keep up the good work and I am eager to see how this goes.

Comment posted by Some Guy Who Writes deleted at 2:20am on the 5th of June, 2013
Comment posted by Some Guy Who Writes deleted at 2:20am on the 5th of June, 2013

honestly i never expected anything less from you, great is all i can say with the second person point of view it shows a more different outtake on the story really making wait and see what will happen next and how it will continue.  You've explained to me how this will turn out yet even this is what i did not plan to read from what you have told me, and now im even more excited to see this through to the end old friend. :pinkiehappy:

A python named Monty :pinkiegasp: perfect monty python reference :pinkiehappy:

And the story is really good :twilightsmile:

Comment posted by Some Guy Who Writes deleted at 2:20am on the 5th of June, 2013

>>461363 Yaaaaaaaaaaaay~ :yay:

And now when i think about it the he did say "tis only a flesh wound" Black knight from Monty Python :twilightsmile:

Comment posted by Some Guy Who Writes deleted at 2:20am on the 5th of June, 2013

>>462055 Well you did a good job :pinkiehappy: And funny it indeed was. :derpytongue2:

Comment posted by Some Guy Who Writes deleted at 2:21am on the 5th of June, 2013

It is pretty interesting. It's just everyone are overly friendly, even Rainbow after a bit, but ah well.

Comment posted by Some Guy Who Writes deleted at 2:21am on the 5th of June, 2013

Great job! Like it so far.:derpytongue2:

Remember, guys, give us any feedback you can! If you like it, tell us why so we can keep doing that right and vice-versa!

oh boi funeral this is going to be fun  :rainbowlaugh:

I'm definitely enjoying this so far. I spotted a few grammatical errors here and there, and it seems just a tad bit rushed. However, you mostly made up for the latter by stating (in you reply to Silent Breeze) that "I thought that if you saw someone who was so different and who had a tough time so far they would try and make him feel welcomed", and the fact that it was the Mane 6 that found him, it makes sense. In my opinion, that was a clever move. Also, try to use more detail in some areas as they seemed a bit black-and-white, if you know what I'm saying. So overall, it's going pretty well. I hope to see more of this, my good man! :twilightsmile:

Comment posted by Some Guy Who Writes deleted at 2:21am on the 5th of June, 2013
#26 · 226w, 6d ago · · · 5.Errands ·

hot damn the gollem impression :D

also refrencing lyra and the human tactics XD

you my friend gain 5 moustaches

:moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache:

hehe yea...wait.....that didnt come out right...

Comment posted by Some Guy Who Writes deleted at 2:21am on the 5th of June, 2013
#29 · 226w, 6d ago · · · 5.Errands ·

Review Time!!! :twilightsmile:

Wow, this one is jjuussttt on the fence for me. :pinkiesad2:

Criticism...

1) I know you've stated about your editors, but I feel the whole thing is just a little loose, a little shambled. There's a few instances where a thought process is going on, and dialogue somehow wedges itself in there. Dialogue isn't commonly included in thoughts to a character's own self, unless they're reflecting on a situation gone by that the reader knows about. I found this a little odd, and it really threw the reader off from reading. I would just once-over the final format, because in my eyes, there's a few sloppy mistakes.

2) There's a lot of charming references in here, that did make me laugh. Yet I feel there's too much. The whole comedic aspect has been audibly thrown in at un-fitting places. Yes, I do understand there's a 'Comedy' tag for your story. But when you're trying to get the reader to really feel for a situation, or get engrossed, randomly throwing in funny bits can detract the real meaning. It sounds picky, but it's something of a little pet-peeve.

Okay, sorry for sounding mean! :pinkiehappy:

1) Everything is entertaining. In its own way, every part of the plot and every scene has something that can appeal to an array of genres and preferences. Although it's a little wide-spread, this fic can now adjust to anyone who wants to read it- even if they were lured in by just the cover picture! And it may be contradicting one of the criticisms, but whatever. All you have to know is that you deserve a 'bravo' to the diversity portrayed here.

2) Not only do you convey a lot of feelings, but you do it well. Most of the time its hard to juggle so many components at once, but you handled it well. The detail you put into every paragraph makes transitions between ideas smooth and easy to follow. While doing this, though, you manage not to make detailing too complicated! I love when authors do that. It makes it an easy yet descriptive read.

THE RATING... (teehee)

:scootangel::scootangel::scootangel:.5

3.5/5 Scoots!

.5, you ask? Yes. You solidly earned 3 Scoots, but I wasn't too sure about bridging over to 4 yet. I think this story, and you as an author, have great potential. The description and genuine appeal are great in amount, but there's a few sloppy grammar errors that bring down the value. There's also the measure of balancing mood. I think when you're trying to juggle so many emotions in one story, keeping a feel for each dedicated scene can be hard.

GiddyOnUp

Comment posted by Some Guy Who Writes deleted at 2:21am on the 5th of June, 2013
#31 · 226w, 6d ago · · · 5.Errands ·

Really good fanfic funeral. Thanks for taking the time to make such a great fic. :pinkiehappy:

#32 · 226w, 5d ago · · · 1.The end ·

Well “Because. . . I made you.” thas is Epic ^^ i like that ^^

Comment posted by Some Guy Who Writes deleted at 2:21am on the 5th of June, 2013
#34 · 226w, 4d ago · · · 5.Errands ·

this is so great im rereading while rewatching the season finale of mlp :yay: ......now we w8 for season 3 in the fall.... :fluttershysad: that is such a long time from now.. :fluttercry:

Comment posted by Some Guy Who Writes deleted at 2:21am on the 5th of June, 2013

the last picture is broken, but great chapter

Yeah good chapter, plus awesome taste in music. Though something seems a bit off/different then it should be on this chapter... Can't place it.. Oh well.

Comment posted by Some Guy Who Writes deleted at 2:21am on the 5th of June, 2013

true the romance was brought up abruptly but cut him some slack this is his first fic.

Comment posted by Some Guy Who Writes deleted at 2:21am on the 5th of June, 2013

just...huh? :derpyderp2:

also, FIRST!!! :pinkiehappy:

Comment posted by Some Guy Who Writes deleted at 2:21am on the 5th of June, 2013

>>485336

is he gonna be kenny?

Comment posted by Some Guy Who Writes deleted at 2:21am on the 5th of June, 2013

D'aaawwwwwww, that's adorable.

Comment posted by Some Guy Who Writes deleted at 2:21am on the 5th of June, 2013

>>490703 I dunno, i just found the part with trixie to be adorable.  I do like this fic alot and cant wait for future updates.

Comment posted by Some Guy Who Writes deleted at 2:21am on the 5th of June, 2013
Login or register to comment