When the malevolent spirit of King Sombra forces a colt from his body before he's even born, his ghost must find a way to cope with his strange new life.
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- Member Since 14th Oct, 2013
- offline last seen Yesterday
Eskerata
"Friendship is an island that you retreat to. And you fall on the floor and laugh at all the ninnies who don't have enough brains to have your good taste." --Ray Bradbury
Eskerata
Joined 14th Oct, 2013 ·
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Solid one-shot! Good work, man.
Thanks!
This was really good.
Paragraphs were a bit short, but considering this was the point of view of a ghost of a young colt, it makes sense. Definitely one of the more unique stories I've read. Take a like and a favorite.
4586883 I will take those! (OMnomnom)
Ahh, tastes like cupcakes.
Thanks very much!
Rather liking the song choice. I've been listening to more and more Boards of Canada since I heard Gyroscope off of the movie Sinister.
Eheh... in my minds eye, I had a hard time picturing the colt. I kept on picturing as a newborn horse, rather than as a pony baby like the Cake twins.
4587033 I love the movie "Sinister". I was a Board-head years before the movie came out. That film did introduce me to Accurst, whose tracks Fragments of a nightmare 1, 3 and 9 are often my writing music.
Just roll with it.
As far as how you imagine the protagonist, just remember that the mind is often an odd theatre. It shows you what it wants.
Haunting. I'm very much a fan of the minimalist approach to this idea. I think the fic's brevity really lends power to the message. I have to say, I couldn't see where the progression was heading, but the ending was supremely satisfying. Top notch.
Very well-written. I liked the ending as well.
The lack of emotion through most of it struck me as odd; he just coldly describes what he felt and the emotion isn't felt in the writing itself. Then again, I'm a cold, emotionless shell of a human, so I'm probably not the best judge of how emotional things are.
4591828 I often have a minimalist approach to writing most of the time, so I figured my style would work with a story like this one. I'm very glad you liked it.
This has a lot of sentence fragments.
That's fine when they're used for a specific effect, but in many instances here I think they're just making the text chopped up when it could flow more easily and naturally. A lot of paragraphs seem like they're only really one sentence worth of expressed thought if unnecessary fragmentation problems were fixed. Many parts could stand be to fleshed out to help the story develop, which leads to my next point:
It also seems very fast and bare - too much so to really develop sympathy or a strong connection between the main character and the reader. I get that you're going for the minimalist thing, but that ability to relate has to be developed somewhere, even in that approach.
I was also sort of bothered by several references by the main character to his "life", when a life never really happened. Maybe it could be better referred to as an "existence", instead.
4711731 The protagonist has a life (of sorts). I can see where you're coming from with him calling his life an existence instead, but how many living people do that?
I was trying to convey the thoughts of someone who, because he barely exists, has a limited view of the world. Hence the sentence fragments. (It was the only method I could think of that would work.)
I also get what you're saying about the protagonist having a thin personality, but I wasn't sure what else to put into the story that would really help drive home the point I was trying to make.
I appreciate your insights, however. Stuff like that helps me as a writer.
Thanks for writing to me.
I like the story.
Maybe it's because I love ghosts, and paranormal activity, but I also love this style of writing.
Not many people can get it from an child's point of view. Although a few of those sentences were definitely to advanced for a baby, the way you wrote it helped.
4776339 Thank you very much. People seem to be a little divided about my minimalist style, but I'm glad you liked it. As for some of his speech being a bit advanced for someone his age, well this sort of story was tricky to write.
Barebones plot, but you did quite a bit with it. Have a ribbon:
i.imgur.com/6MrWqNZ.png
Holy shit... shouldn't this get a "dark" tag as well?
Other than that, excellent work. A bit forced in a few places and the plot is indeed "barebones" like 4789406 said, but a satisfying read nonetheless. I always appreciate stories that tackle a really disturbing idea...
4789406 I feel a blog coming on. Thank you very much! I've been wanting to get into this library for ages!
4789465 Yeah, I've been wanting to write this idea for a while, but something was missing. King Sombra was the perfect solution.
I'm very glad I was able to entertain you.
4791480
You are very welcome
This story should have more likes because of how easily and because of how original the idea is.
4882209 Give it time.
The views/likes numbers will get better. I'm glad you liked my story.
Welp, I'm a fan. Planning to see what else you've written asap.
Like others have said I love the unique premise, and that ending was great. I would love to possibly see more with this idea, maybe Sombra succeeds a second time and he's not alone for the first time in forever. (be silent Frozen!)
In fact, if you plan to never continue this (it's a one-shot, so I and the rest of this planet would understand) and my own writing plate clears up a bit I might like to take a crack at doing something with this. With your permission of course!
4888101 Go ahead. It'll be interesting to see the results. I don't plan to write a sequel to this as it works fine by itself. Equus Mortis, my other OC, is the one that's inspiring future stories. (I'm working on the third one on a on-again-of-again schedule.)
Anyway, I'm very glad you liked my story.
Why? Why isn't this more popular?
4992260 I would ask the same thing. (Equus Mortis got read two hundred times, but the sequel only got thirty-eight reads?
) I'm just glad I've been getting hits, followers and purple-fish ribbons. My fame slowly builds, and that's cool.
I'm glad you like my story.
That..... Twas'...... Amazing!!
It was pretty cute,
6280531 This story was a rebuttal to the argument that OCs are often overpowered. I came up with an OC so underpowered he barely existed. (You notice that he doesn't even have a name?)
I'm glad that you liked it.
I have only one gripe, how does the kid know anything? It can't speak to anyone, no one tells it anything and it's brain never developed to actually being able to process things beyond "keep heart beating". How can it do anything? If it were a baby I could at least understand it thinking in emotion or simple words but this is an oddly articulate unborn baby who never even saw light, let alone learn to speak. I enjoyed this but it was a rather enormous... Plot hole I guess? I dunno. Good story that was a little hampered from the start. You made it not unbearable though so I'll give you w moustache.
make sure to shave it for later 
.
6537443 Yeah, that was on my mind, But having the child say "goo goo gah gah" or speak in disjointed sentences would make for a really boring read. (It would have been just as painful for me to write it that way.)
I'm glad you like that story, however.
6540957 Trust me you did better than most could.
And what a good theme it is!
An excellent, if a tad unsettling, story.
8678448
Thank you very much!