If We Were Queens Instead of Princesses, This Wouldn't Have Happened
Tartarus. The worst place in Equestria. Without a doubt.
Wait. Okay, maybe a little bit of doubt, because—worst place? That was a tall order, especially in a world where Rainbow Dash's bathroom exists. Definitely top five, though, Tartarus. Terrible place. Half of it a prison. The other half, a...
...Slightly different prison?
Okay, Celestia thought, you know what, it's just a prison, that's all there is, might as well stop pretending. Plus, she had never been good at creepy ominous sentences. That's what she kept Luna around for; Celestia was more the motherly-nice-yet-playfully-mysterious mentor. Different roles.
Plus, it was hard to concentrate when one was being carried through the air like a little toy. Tirek’s magic was itchy, and powered by hate; it made Celestia shiver, it made her feel hopeless. They were floating above one of the multiple peaks of Tartarus…
And then Tirek’s magic disappeared.
For a second or so, the three alicorns just hovered there, in midair. In Tartarus, everything is warped; gravity is not an exception.
Celestia looked at Luna. Luna looked at Celestia. Cadance looked at them both, saw nopony was really paying her much mind, and made a bit of a huff.
Then, they all looked down.
Silence.
Luna clicked her tongue. “I am guessing… Fifty feet, perhaps?”
“Sixty, I would say,” Celestia replied. “Give or take.”
“Hmm. Yes, I think you are right.” Luna nodded. “Sixty feet from the ground.”
“Say…” Cadance frowned. “We gave Twilight our magic. Does that include the ability to fly?”
“Yes.”
“Indeed.”
“Oh.”
And then gravity caught up with them.
The thing about having wings is that it makes you immune to the fear of heights. If you've been flying for years—if you've been flying for centuries—the sky becomes second nature to you. It's in your blood. It doesn't matter if you can't use your wings anymore. In your mind, you can always fly.
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH—!”
That said, a sixty-foot free fall is pretty scary, immortal or not.
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH—” Thump! “Gargh!”
The first one to touch the ground was Luna. She landed gracefully on her hooves, like a cat. The fall dazed her for a couple seconds, but she had no injuries whatsoever.
“GYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH—” Tompf! “Hng!”
The second one was Celestia, mere seconds after Luna. She managed to land on her hooves too, but she had been floating a little higher, and the impact made her fall to her knees. She winced in pain. It was a bit unpleasant.
“OH NO OH NO OH NO NONONONONO OH HORSEFEA—” CRASH!
…And then there was Cadance.
Now, to be fair, she had lived a short life, relatively speaking. The Royal Sisters had had thousands of years to learn how to fall. Cadance had very clearly not. And she wasn't even that good at flying, so it's not like you could blame her for having a slightly less classy landing.
All this to say, Cadance hit the ground face-first, each of her legs pointing in a different cardinal direction.
Celestia and Luna looked at each other, and then at Cadance. Cadance didn't move. In the slightest.
So eventually, Celestia cleared her throat with a cough. “Um… Cadance? Are…? Are you okay?” she asked. “Cadance?”
“Grbmbtflgggggh.”
“Oh. Oh, dear.”
“I believe that is a ‘yes’!” Luna said, chipper. “Cadance, you mean ‘yes’, right?”
“Grbmbtflgggggh.”
“Good!”
“Oh, dear,” Celestia repeated, biting her lip. “Oh, dear. I think she broke something. What do we do?”
“No, no, did you not hear? She is okay!” Luna waved a hoof. “You are exaggerating, Sister.”
“Grbmbtflgggggh.”
“See? She just agreed with me.” Luna shrugged, sat down, and ran a hoof through her mane—up and down. Like she was actually rummaging through it. “Let her be, Sister. We have more important matters to attend to.”
“I don’t know, I think our niece's literal life might be somewhat significant? I'm not sure if she can, uh. Breathe?” Celestia moved her head close to Cadance’s. “Her face is completely flat against the ground. Maybe we should move her or something?”
“Your concern is unneeded, Sister. It's not like severe brain trauma is that big of a deal.” Luna licked her lips, her hoof still inside her mane, looking for something. “Just do not—ah!” She grinned, then; a starlight smile, dripping with victory. “I found it!”
“Oh?” Celestia turned around, leaving Cadance alone with her ground for a while. “You found what?”
“This!” With a pompous gesture and a flip of her mane, Luna revealed what was now on her hoof: a small wooden chest, with no lock. “My personal imprisonment kit!”
“What?” Celestia’s eyes opened wide as Luna put the chest on the ground. “You were prepared for this?!” She smiled, hugging her sister, joy in her voice. “Oh, Luna! You are incredible!”
“Grbmbtflgggggh.”
“And Cadance agrees!" Celestia wiped a tear off her face. "What I would ever do without you?”
“Rule the land peacefully for a thousand years, and let subjects either forget me or remember me as a flesh-eating monster?” Luna replied. "For a start?"
"What?" Celestia frowned. "Luna, that is not right."
Luna arched an eyebrow. "Pretty sure it is?"
"No. They did not think you a flesh-eating monster. They thought you a child-eating monster. There is a difference."
"Ah. Well. That is actually significantly worse."
"It is a very useful story to get little children to go to bed early, in fact.” Celestia put a stop to the hug, and then sat down next to Luna. “It helped me immensely when raising Twilight Sparkle."
"I feel we're somewhat missing the point of this conversation."
"Nonsense." Celestia pointed at the imprisonment kit in Luna's hooves. "So, how did you know Tirek was going to bring us to Tartarus? How come you had time to prepare?”
“Oh, I didn’t know at all.” Luna pointed at the wooden chest. “I just carry it with me all the time.”
“...What?” Celestia frowned. “Why would you do that?”
“Because I was banished for a thousand years, and I would have killed for an imprisonment kit back then,” Luna said. “You can take the mare out of the moon, Sister, but you don't take the moon out of the mare.”
“…Oh.” Celestia made a face. “Well. That sounds obsessive-compulsive."
"Which is good!"
"Luna, it is literally the opposite of good."
"Well, yes, it does mean I'm clearly carrying a lot of emotional baggage. However!" Luna patted the wooden chest. "It's very useful in times like these!"
Celestia sighed, and gave Luna a little smile. "That is extremely disturbing, but technically true, I suppose. Now, let's use that kit of yours to break out of here and help—”
“Wait. Wait, wait, wait,” Luna interrupted, raising a hoof. “Hold on a second. You want to escape?”
Celestia blinked. “Of course. That’s what your imprisonment kit is for, isn't it?”
“What? No!” Luna rolled her eyes. “Pffft. Escape from Tartarus? Without magic? That’s not possible, Sister.” She frowned. “Well, it is. Tirek did so. But the walk out of here would take months, and I’m not doing that.”
“Then… Then what’s in that chest?”
“Mostly? Toilet paper.”
Silence.
Celestia massaged the space between her eyes and sighed. “You brought toilet paper," she said. "You had all the time in Equestria to prepare yourself for a second imprisonment, and you got toilet paper.”
“Look, we might need to wait for days, and there’s three of us,” Luna said. “Believe me: you’ll be really really grateful for it in like, four hours tops.”
“I just—” Celestia bit her tongue, and started again. “Luna," she said in a more pleasant tone. "I simply think that you could have gotten something more, well, useful than toilet paper, in that kit of yours.”
“I would like to see you suffering a thousand-year-long toilet paper deprivation. Then you’d learn if it’s useful or not.”
“Okay, forget it.” Celestia looked at the wooden chest. “You said that you had ‘mostly’ toilet paper there. That means there’s something else, right?”
Luna nodded. “Indeed. I also brought an inflatable ball. Oh, and a harmonica.”
Silence.
“A harmonica.”
“A harmonica,” Luna repeated. “To play some blues.”
“Luna. You don’t know even know how to play that. A tambourine is too musically complex for you.”
“Are you serious? I spent a thousand years in the celestial equivalent of jail! All convicts know how to play the harmonica. It's in our blood!” Luna opened the box, causing a couple toilet paper rolls to fall to the ground, and got a silver harmonica out of it. “Just listen!” she said.
She blew on it.
Thfweeeerph.
“Ah-hah! See?” Luna smirked at Celestia. “Blues!”
“That sounded nothing like blues.”
“Of course it did!” Luna said. “Listen again!”
Thfweeeerph.
“See?!”
“It sounds like a frog crying for help, Luna.”
“You know nothing about music, Sister.”
“Grbmbtflgggggh.”
“See?" Luna smiled. "Cadance agrees with me. Thank you, Cadance.”
“Grbmbtflgggggh.”
Celestia sighed. “Luna…”
“Anyway, now that we have everything we’ll ever need,” Luna interrupted, “I think it’s time to bring some order to this place. Seeing how you two are new meat, I’ll be the boss.”
Pause.
“You’ll—what?” Celestia frowned. “We're new what?”
“New meat.” Luna arched an eyebrow. “First-timers.”
“I don’t understand what you're even talking about now, Luna.” Celestia frowned harder, and looked to the purple Tartarus sky. “I think this place is playing tricks with our minds.”
“No, I’m just returning to my imprisoned persona.” Luna shrugged. “You’ll get used to it. Anyway, that side of the peak,” she said, pointing at her right, “is mine. My territory. Nopony goes in there without asking me first.”
“Grbmbtflgggggh.”
Luna nodded. “I’m glad you got it so fast, Cadance. You'll make it far in here with that go-get-em attitude of yours.”
Celestia found herself massaging the space between her eyes again. It was starting to get sore. “Luna, why would you claim the right side of this peak. Just. Why.”
“Because that’s how prison works, Sister,” Luna replied. “I’m the veteran. You have to respect the veteran, and the veteran gets the best side of the peak.”
“There’s literally no difference between that side of the peak and any other place in Tartarus!”
“Of course there’s a difference.” Luna pointed to her right again. “That part is mine.”
“Grbmbtflgggggh.”
“Amazing contribution to the argument, Cadance.”
“Luna, I swear to the stars above, I—ugh.” Celestia bit her tongue again. “I’m going to assume you’re suffering another one of your moon flashbacks, and that’s why you’re acting so childishly, because so help me, I'm going to—”
“Do whatever you want. Just don’t go into my territory.” Luna squinted. “You don’t want to end up like Rockey, or Stoney McMineral.”
Pause.
“…Who in Tartarus are Rockey and—”
“My imaginary friends while I was on the moon,” Luna explained. “A thousand years is a very long time.”
Celestia blinked, twice. “You have imaginary friends?”
“Not anymore.” Luna squinted even harder. “They got in my way.”
“Alright. Alright.” Celestia covered her entire face with her right hoof. “I’m just going to—”
Thump.
Luna would never know what Celestia was going to do, because the sound of Cadance tumbling to her side interrupted them. She didn’t fall gracefully—she was like a sack of potatoes falling down a flight of stairs—but at least her face wasn’t pressing against the ground now.
Both Luna and Celestia shut their mouths and approached Cadance once they saw her eyes. There was no sign of her pupils or irises—there was only white.
“Huh. Hmm.” Luna tapped her chin a few times. “I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or a bad thing.”
“Bad,” Celestia said. “Definitely bad.”
"Interesting argument." Luna kneeled to get close to Cadance. “Let's test it. Cadance? Can you hear us?”
When Cadance answered, her voice was but a whisper, soft as the breeze caressing a flower garden. “Everything I feel is pain in my face,” she said.
Luna turned to Celestia, beaming. “Sounds good to me!”
“There’s nothing in this world but pain.”
“She sounds like she wants to die, Luna.”
“And that pain is in my face.”
Luna frowned. “You think so? I suppose she might feel a little down. We are in Tartarus.”
“All of it. Well, there’s a little bit of pain in my back, too. But it is mostly in my face.”
Celestia sighed. “Stars above. Shining Armor is going to kill me…”
“What?!” Luna turned to her sister, her eyes opened wide. “He’ll dare to raise a hoof against you?! Your own ex-captain of the Royal Guard?!”
“Well, not literally, but…”
“What a terrible world we live in. This future of yours is a dire place. Worry not, Sister.” Luna pressed her hooves together under her chin. “If he ever dares to try anything, I’ll go full McMineral on him.”
Silence.
“Yes, I’m not going to dignify that with an answer,” Celestia said. Then, she frowned. “We need to get out of here, fast. Tartarus is messing with our minds.”
"I actually feel pretty good!"
“I hate everything and everyone right now.”
"Two against one, then." Celestia got up, and walked towards the stairs that led down from their peak. “Maybe Tirek didn’t raise the barrier when he threw us here…” She tried to take a step forward, but her leg stopped on its own once it tried to pass through the threshold. “Hm. He did. We can’t leave as long as Cerberus is here. Perhaps we could try negotiating with Cerberus? Bargain our way out?”
“My face really hurts.”
“Yes, Cadance, we got it.” Celestia sighed, still looking at the stairs. “Luna? What do you think?”
Thfweeeerph.
Silence.
“Please, tell me you’re not playing with that harmonica again."
Silence.
Thfweeeerph.
“Luna!” Celestia turned around, a gigantic frown on her face. “This is not the time for foolery!”
“I just thought it would cheer Cadance up!”
"It sounds like a frog crying for help. And my face still hurts."
"Well, it's either playing for you or wrapping you in toilet paper, Cadance." Luna gave her niece an annoyed look. "It's not like I carried anything that could help you in my imprisonment kit."
"Wait a minute." Celestia's eyes went wide, and she looked at Luna. "Your kit! You said you had an inflatable ball with you, didn't you?!”
“Hm? Yes, indeed,” Luna said, nodding. “I figured it would be good for entertaining ourselves while we wait for Twilight Sparkle to rescue us.”
“Well, Twilight is not going to rescue us, but maybe we can tame Cerberus with that toy!” Celestia trotted to the box and, indeed, among seemingly countless rolls of toilet paper there was a piece of deflated bright red plastic. Without hesitation, Celestia took it, found the valve, wrapped her lips around it and started to blow.
Pfffft! Pfffft! Pfffft! Pfffft!
“Take it easy,” Luna said. “You’re still weak; you’ll get dizzy.”
“The pain in my face knows no limits.”
“You know, I liked you better when all you did was agree with me, Cadance.”
Pfffft! Pfffft! Pfffft! Pfffft!
“My face feels like it’s on fire.”
“Can we talk about something else, please?” Luna arched an eyebrow at Cadance. “Like... I don't know. How’s the Crystal Empire doing? Is the place treating you well?"
“It is. My face never hurts when I’m there.”
Luna rolled her eyes.
Pfffft! Pfffft! Pfffft! Pfffft! Celestia stopped blowing and gasped for air. “Dear stars,” she said, “how big is this thing?!”
“I miss my home, and how it never hurts my face.”
“Sure you do. Sister?” Luna turned to Celestia. “Are you done?”
Pfffft! Pfffft! “Almost!” Pfffft! Pfffft!
“What do you even want to do with that ball, anyway?”
Celestia stopped blowing for a second and looked at Luna. “Didn’t you hear me? We can bargain with Cerberus with this! He's a dog, he loves playing with balls. We just need to lure him to follow it, and then—”
“You realize that Cerberus is miles away, right?” Luna looked around. Cerberus was nowhere to be seen. “And even if you manage to distract him with that toy, it will take us too long to walk down the stairs that lead out of this place. He will see us, and stop us.”
“Hence why I said I want to bargain!” Pfffft! Pfffft! “Ugh.” Celestia gasped for air once more. “Good, I think I’m done now.”
“But how are you going to show Cerberus the ball?”
“Well, I’ll just levitate it in front of him, of course.” Celestia walked towards the threshold once again. Cerberus wasn’t in front of their peak, but she could see the giant dog in front of what had been Tirek’s peak till not so long ago. “He’ll follow it.”
“Sister.”
“What?”
“We don’t have any magic.”
Silence.
Celestia licked her lips. “Right. I… I forgot that.”
“So, long story short, we can’t get out of here,” Luna said. “There’s no way out, and Cerberus doesn’t know we’re here so we can’t bargain.” She got the harmonica close to her mouth once again. “I say we wait for Twilight Sparkle to rescue us.” Thfweeeerph.
“I’m sure Twilight will get to us soon.”
Silence, again.
Both Celestia and Luna turned to Cadance, frowning.
Cadance blinked. “Also my face hurts.”
“Phew.” Luna looked at Celestia with a smirk. “I got worried there for a second.”
“Sorry.”
“Do you even need to talk like that?”
“My face hurts too much to raise my voice.”
For the sake of her sanity, Celestia wasn’t paying any attention to the conversation. Her attention was focused on the threshold in front of her, and Cerberus, standing a mile away from them.
If only she could make that giant dog see the ball… Cerberus knew them, and he would recognize their smell on the ball. Then he would look for them, and she would have a chance to negotiate...
Celestia frowned. She was an immortal alicorn. She had control over the sun and the stars, over life and death. She was the closest thing to a god there was in Equestria. She had seen things unseen, fought things unfought, witnessed the birth and end of time both.
She was a strong pony, for goodness’ sake, and she wasn’t going to let something as simple as the lack of a levitation spell foil her plans.
“Here goes nothing!” she yelled, tossing the ball as hard as possible in Cerberus’ direction. That hoof carried the might of a thousand suns, the will of a thousand armies, and the wrath of a god. That was, without any kind of doubt, the best toss Celestia had ever made.
The ball flew forward at an incredible speed for like five feet.
And then it fell down, to the abyss under them.
With a ‘clink’, a chain appeared around the front right leg of each one of them.
Silence.
“Beach balls aren’t good for tossing,” Luna said. “That’s why we don’t use them for hoofball. You should learn more about sports.” Thfweeeerph.
Celestia felt her lower lip trembling, but she bit it and didn’t lose her temper. “Well,” she said. “Unless we can come up with a plan to escape using toilet paper, we’re trapped. There’s no escape.” She looked at the chain around her leg. “And now we have this, because Tartarus doesn’t like me playing with balls, apparently.”
“I told you.” Luna took the harmonica out of her mouth. “Trying to escape is useless. It’s better to just wait for Twilight Sparkle to fix everything.” She shrugged. “That strategy has worked quite well the last three times, hasn’t it?”
“I also trust Twilight," Cadance said. “I know she’ll defeat Tirek soon.”
“Of course she will,” Celestia said, “but it will take time! She’s hidden, and she won’t be able to fight back in years. She has to create an underground resistance, and—”
“What?” Luna interrupted, a frown in her face. “What are you talking about? I expect her to appear here in a couple hours at most.”
“I agree with Luna.”
Celestia sat down next to Luna. “Hours? Are you crazy?” she said. “Twilight took our magic to hide from Tirek, remember? So Tirek can’t hurt the land. She’ll stay out of sight.”
“Yes. For… I would say two hours.” Luna turned to Cadance. “Two hours?”
“I’d say three. Tirek will go for her friends first.”
“Oh. Right.” Luna nodded. “Good point. Three hours.”
“What?!” Celestia frowned. “Why would Tirek do that? He doesn’t know Twilight exists!”
“Yes, but Discord does," Luna said. “I thought this was your plan all along? We give Twilight Sparkle as much magic as possible, Tirek goes after her, and then she figures out a way to defeat Tirek while we smile and wave.”
“Yeah. That’s the part she’ll play. She’s the defender of Equestria.”
Silence.
Celestia bit her lip. “I… I didn’t think about Discord, to be honest.”
Luna rolled her eyes.
“But even with that,” Celestia continued, “We told Twilight she had to hide. I expect her to follow our orders. I know she won’t go into a direct battle against Tirek, even if she has the power to do so now.”
“Uh. I don’t think that’s going to happen.”
Celestia glared at Cadance.
“I agree with Cadance, Sister,” Luna said. “Hiding is not Twilight Sparkle’s strong point.”
“She’s a marvelous pony, but she’s a little bit… unstable.”
“She’ll probably charge at Tirek as soon as he does something that hurts her directly.”
“She’ll go completely berserk.”
“I call laser beams.”
“That, or fire. Or both. Honestly, she’s the closest thing to a warrior princess Equestria has ever had.”
“Enough!” Celestia said, tapping her hoof against the ground loudly enough to interrupt the other two. “Twilight Sparkle is not like that! I know my protégé, and she’s neither a warrior nor a mindless brawler!”
“Then why do we keep her out of all our government decisions?” Luna asked.
“Because that’s not her destiny!”
“Really? I thought it was because we're afraid she’ll go full conqueror immediately.”
“She’s a good leader, but more like a commander, not like a princess,” Cadance said. “More or less like her brother. She’s probably fighting Tirek right now.”
“Twilight Sparkle will not fight! She’s not—!”
“She has literally fought against every single foe that has attacked Equestria lately,” Luna interrupted.
“And she didn’t even use the Elements against Chrysalis. She fought her barehoof.”
“She went full McMineral on the changeling army."
Silence.
Celestia squinted. “I had planned something like a slow rebellion against Tirek. I’m sure we are going to play the long game against him.”
“Yes, we also believe Twilight Sparkle won’t try to blast the living heart out of him immediately,” Luna said.
“Indeed. We gave her three hours.”
“No! That’s not going to happen! You don’t know Twilight as well as I do, and I know that Tirek is not going to be defeated like that! We told Twilight she had to hide, and that means that she’s not going to rescue us any time soon!” She crossed her legs. “And that’s my last word about the whole issue!”
Silence. Luna and Cadance shrugged.
Thirty seconds passed without anypony saying a thing.
And then the chains disappeared and their magic returned, as well as their cutie marks.
Luna smirked. Cadance smirked.
Celestia squinted. “…Okay, this doesn’t necessarily mean that Twilight blasted the living heart out of Tirek. At all.”
“Oh, we just blasted the living heart out of Tirek, Princess!” Twilight said with a bright smile.
“Told you," Luna said. "You know what this calls for, Sister? A victory anthem!"
"Luna. Please. No."
Thfweeeerph.
Celestia's left eye twitched.
They were at Twilight’s new crystal castle, in Ponyville. The building was bigger than it looked like from the outside, and it had been easy for them to find an empty room to talk without fear of being interrupted.
“But still… How did you do it, Twilight?” Celestia asked. “You had no Elements of Harmony, and our magic alone wasn’t enough to defeat Tirek.”
“I know.” Twilight’s smile turned into something softer, gentler. “And I couldn’t have done it alone. The power of friendship is what aided me in that battle.”
Silence.
Celestia massaged the space between her eyes once more. “You do realize you can have friends and not use them to blast things into oblivion, right? I mean, you are at least aware of that possibility.”
“Of course I am!” Twilight said. “Friendship is a marvelous thing, a bond that unites us ponies and makes life something beautiful.”
“Phew.” Celestia smiled. “You had me worried for a sec—”
“It’s also absolutely the best way to blast things into oblivion, and it would be a waste not to use it, but that’s totally your choice,” Twilight interrupted. “We managed to open the box the Tree of Harmony gave us, and it had some kind of Rainbow Power in it!” She clapped her hooves. “With that strength, we can beat any foe that dares to attack Equestria! We can destroy anything! Anything! Nothing will stand in our way!”
Silence.
“You know, looking back at it, I can’t stress enough how wise we were when we left you out of the diplomatic meetings,” Luna said. “I can’t deny they would have been more interesting, but still.”
“What do you mean?” Twilight asked, turning to Luna. “Diplomatic meetings?”
“Hmm. We tend not to laser beam our problems away in those,” Luna said
“Huh.” Twilight arched an eyebrow. “Really?”
“Yes.”
“That's so weird.”
“Stars above, my protégé is a warfare devotee.” Celestia turned around and slammed her head against the wall. “Why is my protégé a warfare devotee?!”
“I don’t see the problem!” Luna said. “I think that’s quite useful, given the circumstances! Maybe we can use her to terrify children into going to sleep, too.” She looked at Twilight. "Have you ever considering devouring the flesh of children? For the sake of the realm?"
Twilight frowned. "Can't I just laser beam them?"
"Sure, we'll find a compromise."
Celestia slammed her head against the wall once more.
“Um, Princess?” Twilight asked, approaching her mentor. “Did I… Did I do something wrong?”
“You did what we wanted you to do, Twilight,” Cadance said, smiling. “Don’t worry. Princess Celestia is just, um, coping with some realizations.”
“About time,” Luna said. “Hey, I know what will cheer her up! Celestia, listen up!” Thfweeeerph. Thfweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeerph.
“You know how to play the harmonica, Princess?!” Twilight looked at Luna in awe. “I didn’t know that!”
Thfweeeeeeeeerph. “It just comes naturally to me, Twilight Sparkle. I’m glad you’re enjoying my blues, though.” Thfweeeerph.
“You know, it’s not that bad,” Cadance said, looking at the other two and patting Celestia on the shoulder. “I mean… Everything sorted itself out in the end!”
Celestia still had her face against the wall. “I just realized the pony I raised and sent to Ponyville to learn about friendship is a bloodthirsty amazon, Cadance. I’m not sure if that counts as ‘sorting itself out’.”
“Hmm.” Cadance scratched the back of her neck. “Yeah, to be honest, between that and the way Luna went all omnicidal a thousand years ago, I’m not sure you’re that good of a mentor figure. But hey, at least I am not a psychopath!”
“Yes, Cadance, that’s very helpful.”
“Seriously, though,” Cadance said, turning around to look at Luna and Twilight, who were still busy with the harmonica, “seeing how those two ended up, I’m surprised Equestria didn’t burn down under your rule long ago.”
Celestia pressed her head against the wall a little harder. “Grbmbtflgggggh.”
And then the door opened with a loud boom! only to reveal a panting Fluttershy, worried frown on her face.
“Oh, dear!” she said as she came in. “I heard a frog crying for help somewhere in this room! Did something bad happen?!”
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Well... I mean... But...
Yeah. Twilight is Buffy. But she's also Willow... How can she be Buffy and Willow?
Does that make Fluttershy Tara? And Rainbow Dash Xander? Pinkie Pie Anya? Applejack Oz and Rarity Cordelia?
I guess Celestia is Giles...
And now I'm all set for my Buffy/MLP crossover.
Oh, and since I realized I forgot to actually say this in my first comment, great story. It made me laugh. A lot. And also imagine how Bon-Bon would react to these princesses...
I like how Cadance's face misteriously gets better and it's never mentioned :-D
Reminds me why I think the finale is a piece of horrible written smurf that's all style and no substance. Plotholes everywhere. Stupid character decisions. Spitting on the Princesses characters (just for a change). But "Oh hey look, Twilight having a Dragonball Z fight! That means everything is awesome and we don't need to put actual effort into storytelling! Love our totally awesome finale! Worship us as great writers!".
Ugh.
At least it gives people a good source to write comedies like these...? I guess?
Awesome story, I haven't had a good laugh in a long time
*bursts into tears from laughing* Oh my that line!!!
4556706 I like how a pony with a muzzle protruding from their head can somehow have their face flat to the ground.
4556716
I hope you wrote your comment with the awareness of a lot of people disagreeing with you. Because I do.
Also, featured.
4556852
AAAAAAAAAAH FEATURED HOW
Bwah! Ha! Ha! Ha! This is funny and made my day, thank you for a good,.good story.
4556869 That was like less than an hour. Sure. Okay then.
4556716 I actually agree with you on this, I think they were just lazy and slapped together whatever they could think of so they could use some kind of excuse to give Twilight an actual castle (which looks shitty anyways
). The fact that she's now the "Princess of Friendship" shows that even they can't think of a good reason for her to be a princess. Hurr hurr, the show is called "friendship is magic" so lets make Twilight the princess of it! I mean, that totally makes sense, right?
But yeah, i'm pretty much just gonna sit here and wait for all the downvotes to roll in, because overly obsessed bronies can't handle it when people don't think every episode is perfect.
EDIT: Oh yeah, and don't forget about the "RAINBOW GURLY PONY PRINCESSES XDDDDD NOW WE CAN MAKE MOAR TOYS AND GET MONIES"
4556909
Well, it's all about opinions. I personally loved the finale!
thank you i needed this
4556918 This was the story you needed, not the one you deserved.
4556967 Everyone deserves a story!
“What?!” Celestia frowned. “Why would Tirek do that? He doesn’t know Twilight exists!”
Luna: "Do you remember all those stained glasses you oh so happily expends the royal funds on every time Twilight and her friends save the day? Specially the one about certain coronation?"
Celestia: "D´ÓH"
img1.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20140512123655/mlp/images/2/25/Tirek_looking_at_stained_glass_window_showing_Twilight_S4E26.png
4556716
I agree this fic has more coherency than the whole season finale.
I upvoted this thing about halfway through, but it's the ending line that made me click favorite.
Freaking hilarious.
Good work as usual, Aragon!
4556971 indeed i hate to see the story i actually deserve.
Poor Cadance. But hey, Shining, I'm sure he'll help her get over the trauma.
I don't know what Celestia is complaining about, that makes perfect sense to me.
Well, perfect in a relative sense.
What a hilariously great take on Twilight. I'd be calling for a Nanoha crossover at this point if a pretty awesome one hadn't already been written.
*dies of laughter and claps* Well done, sire!
I love this fanfiction, especially the ending!
Also, what the buck happened to Cadance after she fell? WHAT HAPPENED TO HER EYES?! 
Anyway, good fanfiction. Definitely getting a like! 
This is comedy gold! I like how Twilight is shown as a warfare devotee and enjoys using the power of friendship to blast everything.
Oh, poor Celestia! First she ends up in Tartarus, then she discovers her sister is borderline crazy, and THE that her best student is blast-happy. She did not have a good day.
GENEOUS.
That poor, poor frog.
4557303
Yes, Fluttershy, Luna acquired a harmonica.
Goku seemed so harmless at first too, Celestia.
So harmless.
This was basically a recreation of every discussion in Red vs Blue, ever. Luna is Caboose, Cadance is Tucker, and Celestia is Church. It all makes too much sense.
Yeah, in hindsight, Twilight was never the most level-headed pony.
4556838
I like how a pony with a 2 foot horn can slam their head against a wall.
This made me laugh so many times.
Kudos on making comedy gold.
This had me dying out with laughter. I feel bad for that poor frog.
''Luna, you might need some harmonica lessons.''
I enjoyed this immensely, thank you for sharing it!
4557659
What a delightful piece of silliness. And reflections about Twilight: Warrior Princess
Yes. So much yes. A world of yes. May I sing an ode to yes?
4556655
I'd say Spike is Xander, Rainbow is Oz, and Applejack is Riley, but other than that, your match-ups are pretty much spot-on, by my reckoning.
4558104
Okay, yeah, Spike is Xander, but Rainbow Dash isn't chill enough to be Oz. I think Applejack is Oz and maybe Rainbow Dash is Riley... except I think (minus the whole sexual attraction to the "Buffy" of the group) Shining Armor is Riley.
Maybe Rainbow is Spike (the Buffy version) and Applejack is Oz?
Well not to put a hamper, but Twilight does show she is diplomatic in several episodes as she talks first and try to solve things withou vilonce. Recently is the Trade Ya and Twilight Time. However, she goes berserk when someone hurts her freind. Though I do like this version very much.
Though seriously, while Xena is not far off, I think she is more a intillegent book version of Goku from Dragon Ball. A nice crazy mare that is genetal nice to you until you hurt someone she hold dear and then blast to the afterlife and even kills them in the after life.
I wonder if they makes on of Mane 6 or Clestia be, Flash Sentery would be her Chichi (I hope I spilled her name right) and Spike is Gohan, a child that is usless in the early in life but will probably become the chosen dragon.
4558219 Meanwhile, on Frieza Planet 419:
I CAN SEE THE FUTUUUUUURE!!
TWILIGHT AND FLASH SENTRY HAVE A KIIIIIIID!
CHRYSALIS REACHES PERFECT FOOOOOORM!!!
SPIKE BECOMES THE STRONGEST IN THE UNIVERSE BUT STILL CAN'T DO CRAAAAAP!!
4556909 *evil grin* Join me, my dissatisfied brethren. Together, we can bring order to the pony galaxy!
4556655 Flash Sentry is Angel...
Yeah, that's about right.
This was the best piece of comedy I've ever read. Twilight has weaponized friendship. Awesome!
4558130
Yeah, I get your point about Rainbow not being "chill" enough. I suppose I can see her as Spi- ...erm, William the Bloody... Say, maybe Faith? (I know that if RD was Buffy - a match that I'd say is pretty-good-but-not-quite-as-good-as-Twilight - then Gilda or Lightning Dust would be perfect for Faith...)
And Riley/Shining Armor's a good match, too. Still not sure about Applejack as Oz, though. Sure, they're both the most level-headed of their respective groups, but it still feels like a "pair the spares" solution to me. Whoever's Oz should be even more chill, and fairly laconic, too... Oh! Perhaps Big Mac?
Or Maud!
...But that still leaves no one for Applejack. Hmm... It's been a while since I've seen Season 7, so I can't judge whether Principal Wood would be a decent fit... I'll have to ruminate on this.
>>>“What? No!” Luna rolled her eyes. “Pffft. Escape from Tartarus? Without magic? That’s not possible, Sister.” She frowned. “Well, it is, as Tirek did, >>>
Yep. Pretty 'smart' of Tirek to imprison them in the place he just walked out of. Thank goodness they weren't smart enough to just head for the gate and command Cerberus to let them pass, since I'd kinda expect he'd know Celestia at least.
*sighs* Just one thing of the huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuge list of plot holes and other issues with the episode.
4558275
Wood wouldn't fit. And I guess it depends on if you think Oz's most defining quality was how laid back he was or how level-headed he was. I always related him more to the latter quality, so Applejack as Oz does not feel like pairing the spare to me.
And Faith is Trixie or Sunset Shimmer.
We know, Celestia. Oh Faust how we know.
4558233
No... Twilight and Flash Sentry do not have a kid. He already have a illigement one in Ponyville, he has one kid too many already.
Besides, Spike would more likly become Super Dragon and burn Flash Sentry to a cripse then let momma date anyone he doesn aprove.