Twilight Sparkle: prized student of Celestia, Element of Harmony, and beloved friend has been living a double life since she was a filly. She managed to keep it away from her friends and family for years, but when circumstances force her hoof , the veil of secrecy slowly peels away revealing her true nature. She soon discovers that she isn't the only one hiding behind a wall of lies.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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I expected.. something different.
I enjoyed this, hopefully the next chapter won't take too long to write.
19676
What were you expecting? I had my own suspicions, but none of them were even remotely near the truth.
Hm, not bad. It's not clear whether Spike is aware of Twilight's second life or completely oblivious. Good characterization even if a little rushed, and it does need a once-over for formatting. Still, I just might read more.
I second the once-over for formatting, but otherwise it's pretty well done, the story is simple and seems to flow pretty well (along with some interesting portrayals of popular characters, which i love!)
This isn't really a problem with the story, i actually like it this way, but it's such a delightfully absurd plot (relative to the MLP universe anyway) with a decent ability to track and display the characters' known personality that it just... works without working. Aka: against the grain, fun, well done. Just polish it up a little bit.
Hmm, with the author's interjections and such, you might want to take a footnote approach, rather than, well, interject the notes into the story itself. That said, it's fairly hard to do without superscript, so you might just want to include a "glossary" at the bottom of the page for the new phrases and such.
The story is good, I didn't quite see the whole Apple-family angle coming until it was too late, and I especially loved fluttershy's reaction to the whole food situation. I'm keen to see what dirty secrets Dash and Pinkie Pie are hiding.
Keep it up, it's very good.
Apple family mobsters?
Hmm.
I really like this story, but now I have to guess about RD and Pinkie on the off chance that I'm psychic.
RD will have something to do with drugs and Pinkie will be a former Royal Agent that was in deep cover but turning into the monster she was pretending to be.
Anyway, hope the next chapter comes soon.
Twilight's gotten herself on the wrong side on at least the count of the Doctor. He's a pacifist, remember.
This is actually pretty good. It's not particularly hard to go back through and add dialogue and be more descriptive of the setting, so that you can get the word count up (for possible EqD submission?). It also creates a richer, more involving experience that sucks the reader in. But you've got the core of a good story going here. Let's see where it goes...
More grammar errors in this chapter. What typically works for me is to finish something, then let it sit for a week or so. That way, I lose familiarity with it, and can spot errors more easily when I make a proofreading pass.
I'll be honest, I was scared to read Pinkie Pie's chapter. But, this was not only impressive, but believable, too. Thank you.
...and I just double-checked Twi's Chapter. One of her listed ponies is Manic.
Well, buck.
This has potential. But you may want to get a new pre-reader. Preferably one with better grammar. One pacticually annoying mistake I noticed was "repel" instead of "rappel".
Still, if a Psycho Mantis/The Fury combo of Pinkie managed to keep me entertained, then I'll be keeping my eye on this.
Awwww I has a sad now
Blink is on the list, as well... but she's EIB? Well well, things truly have gotten interesting.
......So her teammates were dolls, and she did this whole operation herself? A tad puzzled here
30027 I believe that the author is trying to imply that the whole thing is (mostly) only in her head as a result of not taking her pills.
Could it be that luna and celestia are the leaders of the opposing organizations without knowing? I keep having this sensation with each chapter i read.
32229-- I'm almost tempted to say you hacked my computer and read my personal story board for this with one of your guesses, but I'll hold my tongue in regards to which
32314 I plead the fifth in regards to your guess *Pokerface*
38294 I'm going to let the suspense take you for a wild ride you down
?
eenterestink, veeeerrry eeenterestink.
38439 but stupid. lol and id be on lunas side id love to work for a crime syndicate its so much fun to kill and steal and burn and everythind else but mostly kill
Wow was totally expecting twi to kill rarity
I have a message for you...be warned...you don't know what you're messing with.
The herd is...interested...be warned! We are not happy with the knowledge you posses of these events. We will allow you to live...for now.
Well...that went better then expected. I was also told to give you this cupcake. I was told it tasted crazy good.
And now, I sign off!
Godspeed you magnificent bastard-BlazingShadowBrony
P.S. Moar pinkie!!!!
CDR bounces off the walls in a manner most bizzar.
"Neither Rainbow Dash nor Pinkie Pie got nothing on this crazy bastard!"
Yes I'm excited, this story kicks ass and takes names, or is it vise versa? Whatever!
I WANT MORE STORY!!!
If there is one thing you write well, it's Pinkie Pie. I have never seen an author write her quite the way you do.
Nice job, I look forward to reading more.
I'm going to assume you don't like the ocean or the sky, (both blue), and anything that can't be explained by science, (minus Pinkie Pie).
Yeah, I pulled all of that out of the death's of all the blue coated unicorns, go figure!
that was a good chapter, and the music fit well. i can picture the fight with that.
Loving this.
Personally I woulda went with one of my favorites, "Aurora Icefield- Black Bed" from the Sonic The Fighters soundtrack
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Jjg5uswFhA
Classy, if I do say so myself
43254 Sonic the fighters
? Goodness me that takes me back, I tried finding an emulator for that game and sadly no it was all to no avail
.. Regardless though I see a perfectly fitting scene in an upcoming chapter for this song.... *Checks mental storyboard* Yup, I got a good place for it
. If you have any music recommendations, please keep them coming, though I won't use music often.
Excellent stuff.
aww... i had hope for ditzy when twilight said capture... good story though.
Great chapter though
Indubidably.
Ditzy Doo done died
A new challenger approaches. Come my child, Jed will aid you in combat. Go for the legs...
YES!
Awesome series dude, keep it going!
Can't......breath.......laughing.......to.......much
Agent 00pie
Trust Jed my disciple and use the force... the force of the WRENCH
YES!
CLIFFHANGERS
Well timed though, and brilliant writing for pinkie, insane but so hilariously so.
I think I know who! DISCORD.
Yep discord.......or.......scootalo
Dude, while the ending was random, your note at the end made it genius 'I'd call it lazy writing' that in itself made the ending work, haha
Jed is best pony personality
hot
damn
This was fun
discord probably
scootaloo... well that would be right outta left field that's for sure.
I liked this story already, but this chapter was so much better written. The pre-reader's paying off.