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the description says "May be after the throne"
this implies that there is a chance this won't turn into a Luna vs Celestia...I want to read this because there aren't too many good TwiLuna fics out there...but I don't want to read it if it's Luna going after the throne...
Some of the paragraphs are WAY too long. (Should be 8 lines at the absolute MAX) I'd also go read up on "when to make a new paragraph" (There literally is a guide titled this, go read it)
Pay attention to what words you use in your story, for example calling Twilight's horn magical. You just introduced the fact that her horn is magical, something the reader probably knows. (Not to mention calling a unicorn's horn magical is like calling a person's hand fleshy) Don't go out of your way to introduce adjectives, in general the less of adjectives you have in your fic, the better.
On a last note, your story summary says a lot about you as a writer. Make sure your sentences are capitalized.
Hope this helps, keep trying!
Anyway, I've read this story before, which I found to be engaging, and it's sad to see the author feel so rejected. I'm not sure if this user is the original author or just someone posting the story before it's deleted by them, but if you are the author, don't let rejection drag you down further, instead, try and push past them and prove to them that you're above them.
"Yeah...don't forget again." Twilight Sparkle remarked. The entire bakery was now covered in confectionaries. It was just the usual mess that followed in Pinkie Pie's wake. "You better clean this place up, or the Bake's will be made at you."
only real errors I found, its the Cakes and it should be mad not made
good work though, can't wait for the next chapter :)
Actually, I submitted it before I posted it on Fanfiction and it had been rejected. That bothered me the whole time. Then some other stuff happened, I threw a hissy-fit and made an ultimatum. Someone then pointed out the fact that if i just stop when the action's hot someone is likely to pick it up and keep writing it. The very thought of that burned me up more than my previous anger, so i decided to keep going. Since I threw a fit I couldn't keep going there, so here I am. So...yeah.
Yeah...you're just going to have to get over that. That's the way I write. If you don't like long paragraphs or superfluous adjectives then this isn't for you.
As for my summary I cut and pasted it from Fanfiction which has a limit on how long your summary can be. I should probably fix it though.
>>429124 Well I was following this over on fanfiction, and if you'd ask me, I'd say its neither. Let me explain. If Luna truly seeks to usurp the throne, it isn't a matter of "Bwahahaha I'm going to be evil today", but actual character development from everyone involved, especially from Twilight and Luna. What I'm getting at is, that it isn't some cheesy one-shot evil Luna crap. It is an actual journey well worth the read. If you don't like it, oh well, but give at good read first. I'd add more to this, but I might accidentally spoil it. 
>>429219 I know it's most likely not that, butI really don't like when Luna and Celestia are fighting over the throne seriously...I don't know it's just a preference, all I want to know is if Luna is actually trying to take over the throne, and if so then a basic summary of why...I just want a PM telling me this so I won't be disappointed if I read this
I am glad to see that the story is continuing. I enjoyed it very much while it was on Fanfiction.net and was sad when it went down there. I am happy to see that it is up again here. I am a big TwiLuna fan so the more I see of this, the happier I will be. Keep up the great work and please, don't be discouraged. You're doing a great job.
glad to see this on here man, i've been watching this over on fanfic under a different name and i wish you good luck of FIMfiction. Hopefully you update the rest of the story soon so people can get a real scope of how awesome this fic is shaping up to be.
good luck again man.
>>429060 I still have no idea what you meant by what you wrote me on fanfiction.. but it doesn't really matter, good to see that you decided to continue with this (as I thought it was quite decent) even if you felt rejected by the fandom.
PS. Where are the next 6 chapters? ;)
>>459845 yup, on fanficion (or was it 7 chapters? i forgot), but Mint took it down after his little... uhm... scene...
Shall I spoil? MUAHHAHAHA! :D
Not sure why he hasn't uploaded the rest... maybe he's editing it? Hey Mint! *pokes Mint in the eye* WTF u doing man?! XD
schnt
Nice chapter. Luna is pissed. You don't mess with the princess, either one of them. I can only imagine what Celestia would do in this situation. Looking forward to more. Keep up the great work and I am glad that your final was good. What did you think of the season two finale?
>>495860 I know that you were talking about the finale. I am sorry that I made you angry or something. I did ask though, in the second part of my comment, what you thought of the season two finale. I thought that it was great. The only thing that annoyed me was how easily Celestia was defeated. What did you think about it?
Well, ponies in general are pretty tough, but Twilight is still more the bookish nerd/squishy wizard type than anything else. And Bridleburg clearly has a lot of practice in the violence department. Personally, I wouldn't actually mind seeing him dead since I honestly don't think he'll ever change his ways no matter how scared he may be right at the moment...
...but I rather suspect that Luna would feel horrible about killing him (no matter how much he may deserve it) once she comes back to her senses, and I certainly wouldn't wish that on her. So, here's kind of hoping she gets stopped in time not for his sake, but simply for her own.
(We can always lock him up and throw away the key later.)
I had the originals, not the edited version, so I have to proofread and edit them, which takes time. Meanwhile, in real life, I have finals, starting a new job and I have a sleeping condition. So...just currently very busy. I'll pick up again once finals are over.
You, sir, are an amazing author. This story is just... Amazing! I'm shocked it's not more popular! It's by far one of the best.. No... THE best twiluna ship I've ever read, maybe best shipfic overall! Keep up the amazing work, can't wait to read the next chapter!
What a lovely story. Fav'd.
Do you have anyone helping you with editing? I ask because I notice errors like the following:
She had sure that he was pulled across the ground, leaving him covered in dirt.
Had -> made, right?
When he was finally in front of her, she lifted him into the air and allowed him to dangle in front of her face.
Missing comma
“Listen...I’ll do whatever you want...just please...” Bridleburg said, trying to beg.
Not exactly an error, but you could make it better by using less words -- perhaps "Bridleburg begged" or "Bridleburg begged pathetically".
Nightmare Moon briefly paused to get a look at her work.
Missing capitalization on 'moon'
Bridleburg didn’t answer, or rather, he couldn’t.
Probably a missing comma
One of his eyes abruptly had everything covered in red.
eh.. what about "One of his eyes was abruptly smothered in redness."
When he flopped onto the ground he continued to choked, and coughed blood.
missing comma, 'choked' should be 'choke'
When the color faded, the original form the alicorn had reemerged.
bad grammar; you probably want "When the color faded, the alicorn's original form reemerged" or "As the color faded, the alicorn's original form reemerged".
“You can...sense emotions?” Twilight replied, unsurely.
Probably better to use 'Twilight mumbled' or some other verb that suggests uncertainty. As always, aim to reduce the number of words you use to the essential minimum.
There are more errors I could point out just in this chapter; I really just want to emphasize how much it could benefit the readability of your story, getting someone to preread and/or edit it.
Why hasn't this story been in the featured panel? Sure there are a few small mistakes here and there, but this is a really good story!
Also, this version of Luna is AWESOME. Reminds me of a benign version of Loki. Happy, mysterious, trickster with a passion for life.
Please continue writing this!
You're killing me with this chapter, man. You really are. Even if I can accept that Ponyville doesn't have some sort of law enforcement, even if I can accept that Twilight didn't think to go to Applejack and Pinkie-Pie, I just cannot accept that the Element of Magic cannot overpower a unicorn and a few earth ponies. Granted, when she first acquired the Element, she was still working to get a handle on it, but as you've pointed out, this is set years after that. Surely she would have better control and more power to back her up now. How can something that can do what it did to Nightmare Moon, not work in this situation? My suspension of disbelief is out the window. And how- HOW could Twilight forget about Fluttershy like that, even after seeing Spike after so long? 
I'm going to try to finish what you have here, but this story has a mark against it already. A BIG mark.
Sigh...I've answered this DOZENS and DOZENS of times. I hope this is the last time.
Yes, she's a very powerful unicorn, but so was the one at the lumberyard. He spends his days throwing around logs with magic. Plus, the elements don't work unless all of them are there. Even her overwhelming power is unstable. She certainly COULD have won, but it wasn't a guarantee. If she HADN'T she would have been at their mercy and Fluttershy would have been humiliated.. Even if she had won, what would Fluttershy do? She would be devastated and humiliated. In the end, Twilight decided to come up with a plan. She took it upon herself to save Fluttershy and involve as few ponies as possible, to save her the embarrassment. Plus, if you kept reading, you would have seen that if she had gone straight to the authorities Fluttershy would have gotten in trouble as well (prostitution is illegal) and they would have had to catch her in the act to do anything at all (it's not like Bridleburg put up ads). Even though Twilight was momentarily overjoyed by seeing Spike she didn't forget, as when they went to sleep she talked thought about Fluttershy. Anything else? 
Hurrah for epic length chapters, and epic Applebloom!
It will be a wonderful event, showcasing what is best about Equestria, its ponies!
Missing t.
She merely stating that this was a courtesy and slammed her hotel door shut.
Merely stated, do you mean?
The jackets were fake leather as nopony in Equestria had to slaughter animals for their skin, largely due to the fact that the weather was now controlled.
... what? How does the controlling of the weather have any bearing on slaughtering animals for their skin?
The window to her room busted open
"burst open" is the phrase. "busted open" just invokes images of bludgeoning the window open with your.. bust. Ow.
Luna says 'butt'? Doesn't she mean 'flank'? (It's amusing having her be relatively vulgar. I would have expected something verbose like "derriere", if only to avoid being vulgar.)
It's interesting that one of the things she disliked was 'behaving like a jackass'. Because although you might feel guilty afterwards, the way you portrayed it sounded FUN. It was a spree of toned down magnificent-bastardry.
Thank luna and the stars!! I thought you'd quit
but now a long chapter (YAY) please update more frequently, this is my favorite twiluna story.BAR.NONE.
Your words are like bubbles of exitement that burst forth creative thoughts of wonderment!! Creating an action-movie explosion that makes the speed of light grow further, faster. I LIKE YOUR STORY
it's only me or the north field of ponyville looks like this right now?
that's how I see the "bell tower" anyway :P
It's been a while since this updated and since I read this. It is still as good as ever. Luna is so devious, I like it! And apparently, Applebloom makes for one heck of a architect since she whipped up that stall in nothing flat. Good for her. Keep up the great work. I'll be staying tuned. 
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