Through The Eyes Of Another Pony

by CardsLafter

Chapter Six: Pony Science, Pony Pancakes, Pony Ponies... Pony.

Best viewed through the Google Chrome on the Google Document.

“So, I just gotta ask. Not that I’m upset; just curious about it,” I half chuckled as we walked out of… (I’m inhaling for obvious reasons) The Ruins of the Ancient Castle of the Royal Pony Sisters. “Why Firewall? Why not… Oh… I dunno… Anon-Pony?”

“You’ll f-figure it ow… out one day when you’re older,” Luna huffed, blowing her hair out of her face before glancing about.

“Did… D-Did you ruh… Did you really come alone?”

“Nah, I was escorted by St-…” I started to say before realizing that Storm may very well still have been slugging it out with Gigantor outside. “OH SHIT!”

“Isn’t that w-word profane?” she asked me.

I didn’t bother gracing her question with an answer. I’m sassy like that. I instead decided to blitz off the way I came and started cussing furiously down every single stair. It took me a couple of minutes but when I made it back to the ground floor, I was already half-winded. Still, Storm Wing might be in danger so I wasn’t going to let it bother me. Not at the moment anyway. Trust me, I was prepared to bite someone/pony if I got there and everything was okay.

Unfortunately or fortunately, depending on how you look at it, everything was indeed okay. Well, half-okay, at least. When I got there, Storm Wing was quite literally frozen from his… pony knees (I think they call them hocks?) down in one big block of ice. And he didn’t look happy about it. Luna was already there with her horn pointed at the melting ice, which was somewhat perturbing seeing as I took off before her.

By the time I finally got within earshot of them, I was quite thoroughly winded but not so much that I couldn’t sass it up a bit.

“Wait, Storm Wing, I’m here to save you!” I cried out between ragged breaths before cantering to a breathless stop. “Awww, Luna… Well, as you can see, you are now safe and may begin lavishing your gratitude upon me.”

Luna snorted a bit, disrupting her spell as she slapped a hoof over her face.

Storm Wing slowly turned his head to face me. At first I thought he was going to scream in anger for not being able to smack me in the face, but he decided to be a good sport and sarcasm’d me right back. “Thank Celestia you were here.”

“I know, right?!” I cried out in false-anger, “You need… You need to be more careful; I might not be there next time!”

Luna’s laughter grew louder as our nonsense continued. “S-Shut up, both of yuh… yuh… Jus-suh… just hush!”

“Yeah, Storm! Just chill out already!” I started a terrible... terrible trend.

They both took the time to turn their heads my way as though they couldn’t believe I just crossed that line.

“I mean, I always knew you were a pretty cool guy and all!” I continued.

They were stunned. I think this could be considered mental battery or something.

“But you just need to cool your heels!” Nope. No shame whatsoever.

“He’s not going to stop,” Storm Wing wisely observed.

“There’s nothing to be ashamed of, though! Everypony gets cold feet now and then!” Oh hell. It hurts to just recall all of this.

“No. H-He isn’t,” Luna confirmed.

“But it’s okay! While you were out here playing Freeze tag with the abominable snow pony.” I’m not even winded. “I saved the princess.”

“Princess Luna.” I had to force myself to not laugh at the way Storm Wing’s eyes rolled back into his head. “I humbly request that you kill one of us. Him or me. At this point, I do not care which.”

“That’s just cold-hearted!” I gasped in faux-horror, “Murder isn’t the best way to break the ice!”

“Oh gosh,” Luna began to crack, unable to keep herself from snickering at the inanity (or insanity, take your pick) of it all. “Why doesn’t he have an off switch?”

“Hey, don’t take it that way. You just need to learn to stay frosty! Besides, everypony knows that revenge is a dish best served cold!”

… … … I’m not apologizing.

Despite being rather amused by the tornado of cold puns, Luna had finally had enough and conjured a muzzle on me. That was the end of that. And just in time, too! I was running out of ridiculously bad jokes! After a bit of whining, I wordlessly vowed to knock off the somewhat improper silliness and help Luna thaw out the poor Archon. He was quite miffed at the better having been gotten of him, but that was mostly dispelled when he discovered that the mission had been a success and Luna had been safely procured. He kept going on about some force that he could not see (yes, we laughed at him for using those exact words) getting the drop on him. I was mostly just glad everything was okay, hence I wasn’t paying him full attention. Seeing as magic takes a fair amount of focus and I suck at multi-tasking, I don’t think that should come to anyone as a surprise. I do remember him saying something about being unable to see (one day he’ll learn to not make those comments in front of the two trolliest ponies in Equestria) as though all the magic everywhere had just disappeared.

So ponies! Which then led to us heading back for the edge of the Everfree forest where the Awesome Sky Carriage of Awesomeness™ was lying in wait. The two of them made fun of me and my winglessness, whining and bitching about how I was holding things up. And quite frankly, that hurt my feelings. Right up until Luna tried tickling my nose with her feathery appendage. Oh, she regrets that. Because I bit it. And I didn’t let go. Naturally the situation escalated and Storm Wing tried to pull me off but that wasn’t going to happen. So just… just try to picture this going on, because I can only imagine how silly it looked.

“What ah-… What are you!? A… A yearling!? S-Storm get huh… h-him off me!” Luna half-gasped, half-shrieked, half-laughed, half-stuttered.

“Submit!” I snarled through my teeth, holding fast to her wing as I glared at her. She couldn’t actually turn to kick me, so she was pretty much at my mercy. “And be judged!”

Storm let go of my mane and tilted his head to the side, somewhat perplexed on how he should approach this dilemma.

“How am I supposed to accomplish this? If I electrocute him, it will cause him to clamp his teeth down,” the little white-blue Archon pointed out in a matter-of-fact tone, “And also it will probably shock you more than it will him.”

“G-Get something heavy and suh-ssstrike him with it!” she yelled as she fruitlessly attempted to kick at me from an odd angle.

Shenanigans ensued. Like I said, just try to picture all that insanity and… Well, it’s not a very flattering scene for anyone. Especially since Storm Wing could not find a stick large enough to terrify me and had to resort to a medium sized branch. Having become rather pain tolerant at this point, I just suffered through it. It wasn’t until he stopped whacking that we finally took note of our surroundings. Oh, we were still in the Everfree forest, but it turned out that we weren’t the only ones.

“Whuh-Why did you st-stop!?” Luna demanded of the Sky Archon.

I could see Storm out of the corner of my eyes and the expression on his face was of utter shock. It was kinda funny watching the branch fall out of his mouth. Naturally, we followed his gaze to a certain big, shiny, white Alicorn Princess standing not thirty feet away with Fluttershy timidly hidden behind her hind legs. The two of them looked at us like we were a bunch of aliens performing a bizarre mating ritual. I was thoroughly embarrassed, actually. Shamed enough that I immediately spit out Luna’s wing and looked down at my feet-hooves! At least she didn’t smite me on the spot or something. I could only imagine how this looked to her, us playing around while she waited home, worrying herself to death. I mean, sure, this was quite literally the worst time for her to meet up with us, but still. Looking like a bad situation can net you the same results.

Well, I’m sure this isn’t exactly a shocker, but Luna’s not so humble in the presence of authority. Because she snatched up Storm Wing’s branch within her magical grasp and quadrupled its size.

“Y-You st-stupid blank flank!” she angrily snapped as she turned my way, brandishing the now-frightening weapon.

I’m not stupid, I knew where this was going! Beatings everlasting!

“Save me, Celestia!” I cried out in terror as I ran for the super-sized Alicorn. I dove behind her and grabbed Fluttershy, placing the perplexed pegasus between Luna and myself. “FLUTTERSHY, QUICK! BLUSH AT HER! USE YOUR CUTE!”

“Wh… What?!” Fluttershy squeaked, helpless to act in the face of adversity.

Use an innocent as a barrier! Dark side points!

Luna cantered my way, but she wasn’t coming after me. Well, I thought she was at first (totally didn’t cry out in fear!), but I was proven wrong when she instead stopped in front of Celestia and brushed up against her. Celestia then draped her neck down over Luna’s and let out a soft sigh of relief.

“Are you alright?” the older sister asked.

“N-No. He j-juh... He just bit my w-wing like some ignorant, slobbering ffffuh... foal,” Luna grumpily replied.

Celestia let out a humorless scoff. “I saw. You deserved it for giving us all such a scare.”

I started to comment on how she also toasted my phone, but Storm Wing decided it was time to find something random to chastise me on.

“Human. Let go of Miss Fluttershy.” I still say a voice so rough and scary need not come from a pony so small. “You’re upsetting her.”

I glanced back at the kind pony that I held within my magical hoof-grasp. She was indeed stiff as board and wide-eyed. Curious, I gave her a little shake just to see what would happen and my efforts earned me a fearful Fluttersqueak. Aw goodness, it took all my willpower to not shake her again. Still, it was something I could show Twilight later and laugh my plot off as she experienced the conflicting urges to yell at me and laugh at Fluttershy. Yes, I’m sorry, but I like to pick on shy people. It’s how I show affection. Wee~!

The moment (I’m talking not even a tenth of a second later) I set her down Luna’s large stick swooped around her sister and smacked me on the flank a few times.

“I’M BEING REPRESSED!” I shrieked as I dived at Storm Wing for cover. Sadly, he’s faster than I am and had more than enough time to simply take flight, thus abandoning me to my fate. So really, all I managed to accomplish was place myself out in the open for more beatings.

“Oh… Oh dear!” Fluttershy wanted to help. She really did. But what was she going to do? Give Luna a stern talking to? Ask politely? Beat Luna up? Actually, that last one would be awesome to watch. It’s not like Luna would hit back or anything. This is Fluttershy we’re talking about after all.

Thankfully, my favorite alicorn saved the day.

“Luna.” Celestia shut her eyes in exasperation and took her younger sister’s beatstick away before it could bludgeon me further into submission. “Try to show some gratitude to the pony that saved you.”

“Yeah! And naming me doesn’t count!” I yelled as I ran behind a tree for more cover.

“Y-You’re about to b… about to be re-renamed to ‘W-Whipping Boy!’” she countered.

“Oh, so his name wasn’t always Firewall,” Storm Wing reasoned aloud before glancing back at the two alicorns. “Now I don’t feel so bad for just calling him ‘human’ all the time.”

“Actually,” Celestia said, “His name…”

“Really is Fuh… F-Firewall,” the younger princess interjected as she glanced back at me. “Right?”

There was this heavy pause where all the ponies looked my way as though they were waiting on a confirmation. I stayed mostly hidden behind my tree because I didn’t trust Luna to not pick the stick back up and start abusing me again. After a few seconds of silence, I gave my thoughts on the matter.

“You just whacked me with a magically enlarged tree branch!” I yelled, still power-cowering behind my deciduous protector. “Why am I going to take up your side in an argument, ya jerk?!”

Well, it got even crazier from there, which is saying a lot. Celestia wanted to go home, Storm Wing was trying to figure out just what my name really was, and Luna was trying to get her stick back from her sister. I just hid behind my tree and shouted insults at Luna, which seemed like the sensible thing to do. Eventually Celestia had enough of the insanity and raised her voice to reestablish order, scaring the living bejeebus out of us all. I think Fluttershy died from a heart attack and had to be revived. Or maybe I dreamed that up; memory’s a little fuzzy around this part. Anyway, long story somewhat shortened was that we were headed back to Canterlot while Storm Wing escorted the other pegasus back to her Flutterhouse atop her Flutterhill.

Celestia initially wanted me to go back to Ponyville for a while, subtly hinting that I had already done enough damage. Luna, on the other hoof, was super adamant that I stay within hoof’s reach. She knew The Nightmare wanted me for some reason and that it probably wasn’t one that shared everypony’s best interests at heart. What she didn’t tell Celestia was that she wanted to keep an eye on me to make sure I didn’t accidentally burn Equestria to the ground. Like I was renowned for unintentionally incinerating entire countries or something!

Also, Celestia’s a speed demon. I love to go fast, but that was very much the last time I intentionally rode the A.S.C.A.™ with Celestia at the magical wheel. Okay, let me rephrase that: That was the last time I willingly rode with Celestia driving. Because I’m fairly sure that every time you do, you lose a year of your life to fearful stress. Just a hypothesis; not curious enough to ever test it. Because that would involve riding in the A.S.C.A.™ with Celestia as the driver. And that’s not going to happen.

* * *

After we landed back in Canterlot, I tentatively allowed myself to step off the Carriage and shakily draw myself a cigarette.

“Christ, Celestia, I’m… Y’know, I’ve never asked, but are there no speed limits in Equestria?” I mumbled as my mind timidly began gathering up the last remaining pieces of my sanity.

Celestia seemed pleased with the fact that she had terrified me so thoroughly. She did not, however, say anything on the subject. The two princesses stepped off, looking pleased as punch. Even Luna’s mane had somehow cleaned itself up. That wasn’t fair. Not even remotely fair. But whatever, right? The day had been saved and the Powerpuff Girls weren’t even called! That’s a win that deserved a self-congratulatory smoke!

Or so I thought. Right up to the point where Luna took my cigarette away.

“Those are un-un-nnn… Rrrgh!” That was Luna suffering from karma-stutters. Those are a thing, now. “Th-Those are unhealthy.”

I blinked. Then without even turning to her, I resummoned the pack, drew another one, and lit it up. Yes, she took that one, too. I then let out a slow, patient breath before looking back at the two alicorns.

“Celestia, if I say pretty please, will you beat up your little sister?” Even I could hear a slight edge of irritation in my voice.

The Sun Princess looked like she wanted to get involved as much as she wanted her horn removed (meaning not at all) but she did let her eyes roam towards her irritating brat of a sibling.

“Luna, health aside, Equestria is a free land,” she pointed out tiredly before slowly sauntering up the atrium. “As long as he is not hurting anypony else, he may do as he likes.”

“By that logic, I should be allowed to do as I like and help him,” Luna countered, never taking her stupid eyes off me.

Stupid alicorn uses stupid logic!

“The road to hell is paved with good intentions,” I grumped, retrieving a third cigarette and lighting it up. “I’m very serious when I say you would not recognize me if I go too long without one of these.”

Luna pouted at me, her face a blend of pleading and playful. “You mean you would hurt me?”

“I’d nom your wings off in an instant!” I grumbled.

“Awww,” she whined before sticking out her bottom lip (which is really hard to look at without d’awwing) and lowering her head to glance up at me with half-lidded eyes. “Even i-… if that made me s-sad?”

My mind. She was blown. I couldn’t believe it, but there was no mistaking the tilt of her head, nor the coy pout she was using to duck-face me. I remember my jaw dropping open as it rapidly dawned on me what Luna was doing. For those of you that need it spelled out, let me put it bluntly: Princess Luna T. (for Troll) Alicorn Pony was flirting. And she wasn’t being entirely subtle about it, either! Because Celestia seemed to be noticing as well and was just as shocked as I was.

How did I feel about this? I mean, Luna’s pretty cool as far as ponies go; I’d even venture to say she’s my best friend out of all the ponies. But… romantically? I mean, there were a lot of implications involved with dating ponies. Most of them bad. I couldn’t think of any of them at the time, but I was sure that there were plenty of them. Maybe. Whatever! All I knew was that both inner halves (Yes, both Lafter and Stoic) were waving little red flags, warning me that there were a thousand ways this could go wrong. The emotional risks were already high enough without throwing a couple of heartbreaks into the mix!

“Well, of course not,” I quickly huffed. Possibly too quickly; not quite sure. “But I’m not going to pretend that everything is going to be okay if I am deprived of my nicotine, either. So uh… I’m going to go… y’know… Somewhere else. And I’m gonna smoke there. I’m sure you two have lots to talk about. So I’ll leave you to it since I’ve got to go give the remnants of my phone a proper burial, anyway. Cough, LunaStopBurningMyShit, cough.”

I left them both there without another word. I could feel their beady little eyes on me but I just acted like I didn’t care/notice. I wasn’t certain how they took that reaction of mine (I wasn’t entirely smooth about it, after all) but that was definitely the least of my concerns. So I motored on over to my special happiness bench and flopped down onto it with a sigh. That damn monkey from earlier shrieked at me a few times but I was too nice to get on his case for it.

My mind wandered back to Luna and the very first thing I had to do was not let my idiotic romantic half get out of his prison. No, he hasn’t been named and I had no plans to change that anytime soon. This is mostly due to the fact that every time he decides to come back from hiatus, someone always cries. So for once in my life, I decided I would play this the smart way and eventually get around to talking to Luna about shutting this down. I knew how to convey a rough message in a gentle way, so I wasn’t worried about hurting the girl as much as I was worried that I would inadvertently damage our friendship.

I didn’t get to think on the matter for long, however. My thoughts were suddenly overcome with an intrusion. It was sorta like Stupid B-… Err… Tissi. Only there was something different about it. It was like a musical hum that I could feel inside of me. Not really anywhere specific as much as it was just… well, there.

~You are not from here…~

Voices in my head? Oh yeah, I’m definitely loony by this point, I told myself. Certifiably nucking futs! It didn’t take as long as I thought it would, oddly enough. But as long as I was a basket case, I might as well chill out and enjoy it, right? Like that Sucker Punch movie, where you turn your insanity into an action movie… Except I was already doing that with Equestria. Which was even better.

~You aren’t alarmed.~

“Well,” I replied aloud, “this really isn’t the strangest thing to happen to me in the past several days.”

~I suppose that is more than fair. Our connection allows me to feel your reply from inside; you need not communicate verbally...~

My eyes widened a little bit at the unlikely implication that my stupid mind first jumped to. That couldn’t be misconstrued at all!

“I… … I’m not comfortable being felt up like that!” I cried in shock, disturbing the rest of all the animals that Celestia keeps stuffed away in her silly royal park-garden-thing

~Hah. Not that variety of connection, nor that kind of feeling. You merely need to deliberately think your responses to communicate.~

~And the answer is: The Best Chicken.~

~What is Scootaloo?~

I’m glad no one/pony was watching me in the garden, because I gasped for what would outwardly seem as no reason whatsoever.

~Double reference recognition! Budding friendship status achieved!~

~I’m honored…~

~You should be! So, I take it we haven’t met?~

~We have not. I hope to change that, though…~

~Huh. Is that you Ti-…~

And then BRAIN SPIKES! Holy Gandhi skating backwards on ice! It was almost worse than the last time I tried to talk about Tissiphone to someone that wasn’t Tissiphone! I tried to suck in my breath, but I found the agony just a little too debilitating to allow anything other than to force me into a fetal position. Why did it have to hurt so much!? Couldn’t I get a warning shot first? Then again, this might actually BE the warning shot. Damn, that would blow so hard if that were the case.

~Are you… alright?~

~NO… But it isn’t your fault. Who are you?~

~I am… someone that has a vested interest in keeping this land safe.~

Oh hell. Not another one.

~That’s… That’s great. No thank you, I would not like to strike up any bargains…~

~I… Odd. Very well. I will still keep in touch, unless you otherwise object.~

~Um... I suppose that’s fine.~

~Good. Now, let me simply get to the point. Princess Luna is not well and while this is not your fault, I can sense that you are more than willing to do whatever it takes to help her.~

~Uh-huh... Well, don’t forget! No bargains!~

~Certainly not. I am merely concerned for the Princess and want to help her.~

~Promise?~

~Promise.~

~Okay... Then, yes! Luna’s a little loopy right now so... Yeah, I’d totally jump at the opportunity to make this easier on her. I assume you have a plan.~

~Indeed. Do you know the four necessary mental principles for manipulation?~

~Manipul... Magic? The Four Legs of Magic?~

~Four legs of... Hmm. I suppose I can... see the metaphorical significance from an Equestrian’s point of view, despite the fact that you are very much not a native.~

~Faith, Focus, Conviction and Imagination. Why?~

~Then you lack one of these?~

~What?~

~Forgive me, I am assuming. I merely inferred from your... Well, rather than demean you, let me simply ask: Are you missing one of these fundamental principles?~

~Not really...~

~Then it seems you have everything you already need.~

~I do?~

I thought about that. He was right, actually. If I could stuff a book into my brain using magic, then maybe a little ingenuity could help out Luna.

~I... I guess you’re right.~

~Good talk?~

~Good talk. Thanks, Mister Vimh!~

~Mister Vimh?~

~Voice In My Head!~

~I see. A pleasure to have assisted you. Also, my only request is that you refrain from mentioning me. I won’t pretend to have the power to stop you from doing otherwise, but doing so could endanger me. And I like being bereft of endangerment.~

~Well, you’re the nicest brain voice I’ve ever had, so I think I can do that for you!~

~Thank you. Farewell.~

Mister Vimh cut contact shortly thereafter. As nice as I acted, I wasn’t especially eager to hear more from the... whatever it was. I didn’t like the idea of there being more players in this behind-the-scenes game that Tissiphone was a part of. Not that I could be sure that such was the case with Mister Vimh, but I was fairly certain that whatever the case was, I didn’t know enough about it.

I yawned loudly, rubbing my eyes with a slight frown as I settled more onto my Special Stolen Bench. Equestria: Never a dull moment. I looked up at the sky, noticing that it was pretty late in the evening. I almost reached for my phone again, only to stop halfway this time and pout. Rather than have an internal rant about that, though, I simply let my mind wander as I settled in for a snooze.

* * *

AND THEN I GOT POKED IN THE HORN! I opened one eye just enough to confirm that the stars were still out and that I had no business being awake just yet. Somepony was going to get it.

“I swear, I don’t even know why I bother trying to get some sleep!” I whined, scooting about on the bench. “Ain’t no brakes on the pain train!”

I heard a girly voice say, “What?”

“What?” I asked, rolling over to look at my disturber. It was a purple pony. A purple magical unicorn, to be exact. Great. I can’t exactly smack Twilight, lest I die from shame.

So I decided to harass her. “Twilight. You shouldn’t barge in here. I’m not dressed.”

She opened her mouth to reply, not expecting to be rebuked in such a way. After a second to recover, she finally replied, “But… we normally don’t wear clothes.”

“That’s even worse!” I waved a hoof at her whilst yawning, trying to get her to go away. “Now we’re both naked, in here, alone and everypony’s gonna start talking!”

“We’re not in anything, No-Name!” she groaned in frustration, “Unless you mean us being in the Royal Canterlot Faunal and Floral Garden.”

“We’re bringing animals in on it, too!?” If I gasped any harder or any more dramatically, I’d have probably choked. “You’re moving too fast for me; I’m breaking things off right now!”

She fell back on her usual reaction. Stare at me like I was insane. Finally she slapped a hoof over her face and took a deep, relaxing breath. I don’t think it actually helped calm her down, though.

“You… confuse me!” she snapped after a moment of quiet, “I just wanted to ask if you wanted to help me experiment with the Inmanipulon samples. If you’re tired, though, you don’t have to be childish about asking me to let you sleep!”

There was a little bit of anxiety in the way she spoke, made only more apparent by the way she spun about and began to… not quite stomp, but she definitely wasn’t happily cantering either. I didn’t deliberate on the matter for very long. All I knew was that I was not about to be responsible for the ruining of somepony’s day, Twilight’s especially.

“Wait!” I cried, rolling off the bench and tearing after her. She stopped and looked back at me with, I kid you not, tears rimming the bottom of her eyes. As punishment for my crimes, Stoic beat Lafter to death with a crowbar and stuffed the body into a foot locker. He wouldn’t stay dead forever, but he wouldn’t be coming back for some time, either.

“Oh, Twi… I’m sorry,” I murmured, trotting to a stop as I neared with a grimace. “I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings. I was just being silly.”

I conjured her up a simple napkin and floated it her way, which she accepted with a soft, apologetic smile.

“It’s not your fault,” she reassured me as she let out a strained laugh. “I think being exposed to the purified Inmanipulon samples has had a few strange effects on me. I’m fine whenever I’m away from it for an hour or so, but I think it has some strange psychoactive properties. I’ve been so emotionally charged these past few days.”

“Wow. That’s no bueno. You need a case of mood swings like I need another name,” I commented with a short chuckle before remembering that Twilight had yet to be brought up on speed. “Oh yeah. I’ve been given a moniker courtesy of the trolliest princess. I won’t bore you with all the details but the short version is that Luna named me Firewall. Thoughts?”

“The Princess named you?” Twilight dabbed at her eyes before blinking in slight disbelief. “You must have made quite the impression.”

“Pfft. No. She did it to vex me, I’m certain of it,” I snarled, scrunching up my face a bit. “So let’s go play science before she flies out of the bushes and tells me that Gilda is best pony or something.”

That would send any brony up the wall in an unreasonable way.

And then we science’d with magic, which is the silliest thing I’ve ever said. The best part was picking a place to do business. I elected Luna’s library in hopes that we might accidentally burn it to the ground. Of course I didn’t tell Twilight that, but I like to set my games up like Xanatos so that I win either way.

I understood just barely enough about magic to know what Twilight was doing, but didn’t know near enough to do anything but be the assistant. Fetch that, prepare this, cleanse that, etc. That might sound incredibly boring but I can promise you that nothing could be farther from the truth. I mean, I was learning neat stuff about magic, chilling with Twilight, and participating in mad science. Twilight insisted that there was nothing mad about it and demanded that I not call it that, but I assured her I knew what I was talking about. But like a mare, she found other things to nag me about. Specifically taking notes in the ‘informal’ alphabet. See, ponies can read and speak English just fine, but they have this ‘Official’ pictogram alphabet for any special documentation, legalese, and otherwise formal print. To write in English is to be extra informal and relaxed. You send a personal letter in English (otherwise known as Informal), but send a wedding invitation in Formal. So yeah, Twilight whined about it until I brought up one point.

“Twilight, is any of the pertinent information lost in the translation from Informal to Formal?” I asked her as I continued to jot away with the power of magic!

“Well, no, I suppose not, but it’s rather…” She paused, searching for a proper word. “It’s quite silly to take a formal document and write it informally. It gives the allusion of amateur’s hoof at work!”

“Sorry, Twilight, I can’t read your Formal alphabet,” I huffed as I finished marking down measurements. “Ergo, if you want me to be of any real assistance, we’re going to have to write this in ‘Stupid’ and hope all of the smart ponies won’t judge us.”

She frowned a little. “I didn’t mean to imply that you weren’t smart, Firewall.”

“It’s too late, Twilight. You’ve ruined my self-confidence!” I cried out in false dismay, feigning a case of the vapors. “I need my comfort food now, which is a shame, because Equestria is probably fresh out of Spaghetti-Os.”

Twilight rolled her eyes with a helpless giggle. “I’m sure that you’ll cope. But as strange as it sounds, if all you can read and write is Informal, then adapting to the situation is the best solution we have.”

“Indeed, my good mare,” I said before setting down the paper and quill. “Okay. All set. The only thing left to jot down is the best part!”

“Results!” she supplied handily… Hoof’dily. Whatever’dily.

And then she brought out the samples. She had four tiny dark grey pebbles that were about the size of a ball bearing. Very tiny, to be sure. She mentioned that getting the dust purified and shaped into such easy-to-handle sample was rather easy. That it just took a bit of metallurgy know-how to separate the sand from the genuine article and took absolutely no magic to accomplish. Personally, I wouldn’t have been so forward in attempting such an initiative, but Twilight’s far more intelligent than I am, so I didn’t bother shoving my opinion out there (very unlike me, I know).

It wasn’t until we began directly experimenting with the stuff that progress became rather… stagnant. Magic sort of follows the same rule of energy. You can’t create it, you can’t destroy it, but you can direct it, disperse it, and focus it towards an end. But these grey bearings seemed to be rule breakers in the sense that any magic they came in contact with just vanished.

Basically it works like this: Any magical task requires three things. A geas (More or less the programming behind the spell), a focus to cast from (such as a hoof, horn, or wing), and the fuel (that being magic itself). Without any of those three things, your spell doesn’t have the capacity to scratch your butt. Inmanipulon initially seemed to just wipe out the geas and destroy the fuel. We were pretty stumped as to how it worked. There should be a reaction for something so phenomenal but our discovery didn’t happen until Twilight accidentally bumped a magic candle over. When it rolled over to the sample we had set out on a simple plate, it winked out. It wasn’t until I picked it up and set it to the side that the candle relit itself. Then we started making some headway.

It took some verifying, but we confirmed that magic was not being destroyed, it was simply being disrupted somehow. The proof was in the magical objects which would simply not function until a certain distance from the submatter (Twilight’s word, not mine) known as Inmanipulon was established. Wiggy! It didn’t explain what was happening to spells, though. Nor should magic be disappearing at all in the first place. But there was no way to actively observe the magic once its geas was disrupted, because the only way to actually see a spell was through its display, which the geas provided. I know, this is getting super technical and stuff, but stick with me on this because it is about to make sense.

“But does it blend?!” I shouted in frustration before breathing fire at the tiny pebble that sat unassumingly on the table before me.

Sadly, my firebreath died not a full meter from the table in question.

“It’s impossible to test upon with magic!” Twilight cried, equally upset with the material. “How are we supposed to observe the effects the material in question has on magic when we can’t see the effects it has on magic!?”

“Well, how did you get results before?” I asked, desperate to find a roundabout solution.

“It wasn’t concentrated enough before to completely disrupt magic, only severely dampen it,” she explained, “It was difficult and required a lot more effort, sure! But I was still able to produce results. But I’ve given it my best focus and we didn’t even get a spark!”

“Can we make any special goggles that let us see magic even without a display or something?”

Twilight sighed as though she had been defeated, “Yes, but that will take days! Not only would we need a specialist to make the goggles in question, we would have to commission the aid of a thaumaturgist to design the spell. Princess Celestia wanted results as soon as possible. I’ve already been researching for two weeks and the only difference between last week and today is that we know for a fact that it’s pain in the flank! We might as well be blind for all the good our eyes are doing for us now.”

Twilight couldn’t have accidently spoon fed me the solution any more directly if she had tried to do so on purpose. Because it wouldn’t have been accidental, nor would it have been my idea if she had.

“Twilight, go fetch us doughnuts,” I ordered before turning and running for the door. “I have an idea! Meet you back here in fifteen minutes.”

“Wait, what!? What are the doughnuts for!?” she cried out after me.

“What do you think!?” I yelled back, not bothering to halt my enthusiastic dash for the stairs (I hate those stairs. I hate all stairs).

* * *

The time was about two in the morning. The target was soundly asleep in his bed. The method was obvious, simple and yet it was delightfully perfect.

“STORM WING, THE NIGHTMARE IS ATTACKING!” I shouted at the top of my lungs and leaped onto his bed. “SAVE ME, STORM! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! SAVE ME!”

I think I gave him a heart attack. He cried out and flung himself off the bed with panic splayed upon his expression. He was half-awake and freaking out, so I snatched one of his pillows and threw it at him with a frantic scream.

“What!?” He dodged like some freakin’ pony-ninja, complete with midair tuck-n-tumble.

“Good reflexes, Storm. You passed.” I softly applauded, my voice now super deep and super serious.

“What is the meaning of this, Firewall!?” he shouted, not appreciative of his emergency reaction drill.

“You’ve now passed into the realm of magical pony science,” I responded brazenly, throwing a dramatic hoof in his direction. “Only you can help us learn more of the power of anti-magic.”

He blinked a time or two before gritting his teeth. “Are you trying to anger me?”

“Yes,” I replied without hesitation, “but I am also being quite honest. We need your help. Come forth. Twilight is fetching you some doughnuts. You’re like a pony-cop, so I figure that’ll help balance out your chi and stuff.”

“I don’t… What are you talking about?” He rubbed at his face a bit before glaring up at me. “What time is it?”

“Who cares, Storm!?” I flung my hooves in air. “There’s science to be done and Celestia needs results! Are you saying you’re going to let Celestia down!? Because I’mma tell everyone you did!”

He glared in my direction for a few seconds before shaking his head. “What do you need? No more nonsense.”

“Fiiine~! I swear, this is the land of cartoony equines, but the ponies are all super serial!” I grumped, crossly crossing my hooves in a cross-like fashion. “It’s like this…”

* * *

“You can see magic?” Twilight got all kinds of bug-eyed when I explained my thought process.

It’s pretty simple, I’m fairly sure I’m just going to reiterating the assumptions already made but here goes. Storm can sense magic, even if it doesn’t have a display. Since the Inmanipulon disrupts any gaes and, by proxy, the display, his ability to keep track of the magic would be able to tell us where it was going.

“I can sense it, yes. I’ve never been able to see before, though, so I can’t make a comparison, Miss Twilight Sparkle,” he explained, “Firewall, here, claims that I can be of great assistance and that this endeavor is of great importance to Celestia.”

Twilight is an overachiever, okay? Of that there is no doubt. I told her to go get doughnuts. She assumed it had something to do with the experiment and seeing that she had no clue how many she should get, she opted to get a lot. I was somewhat put out that she wasn’t already back by the time I had returned, but that had been offset by the cart full of pastries she eventually arrived with. The doughnuts were for Storm Wing, but seeing as he wasn’t going to be eating even half of them, I found it within my capacity to eat a few… dozen.

“Well, it’s certainly important to her, but I wouldn’t say that it was worth it to wake you up in the middle of the night.” She gave me a glare and I rebelliously ate a doughnut at her. “Still, as long as what’s done is done, do you mind giving us a hoof? It’s alright if you want to wait for the morning.”

“I already said I would help and that is what I will do,” he replied as I held a doughnut up to his nose.

Bitterly accepting my offer, he scarfed down the treat as we went about preparing the next test. It shouldn’t have taken much time, but Twilight is meticulous and is crazy about contaminating results so it actually took us several minutes. After we were finally prepped, we ate one last preparatory doughnut and began the test.

I don’t wanna get technical on you, so I’ll keep it simple. I would breathe fire on the stuff and Storm Wing would tell us where the magic went. If you’re wondering why we didn’t go with more direct spells, it’s because I seem to have an insane efficiency ratio on fire breath. I can roar out the stuff all day and I would sooner get winded from breathing too hard rather than arcane exhaustion.

“Okay! Stand-by. Ready, boys?” Twilight asked before casting a containment spell around us all, thwarting my attempts to destroy Luna’s library. Sad face.

We nodded.

“Improvisational Observation Technique Attempt Number One! Commence!” She was adorable with her research director voice.

I blasted out a decent wave of flame at the pebble of anti-magic juju, only to see the same result of the fire just dying out a couple of feet away from the table. Storm Wing blinked before tilting his head to the left and blinking a second time.

“I… Firewall, do that again. Harder,” he ordered, stepping a little closer to the testing area.

Twilight nodded at me before barking out the go ahead, “Attempt Number Two! Variable: Intensified magic output! Commence!”

Well, he wanted more so I gave him more. I stepped it up, putting a solid effort into the next blast. It was hot enough for me to feel it, so I knew it had to be at least a little uncomfortable to the two of them. As intended, the flames were a bit wider, definitely brighter, and actually made it a few inches closer before ultimately winking out.

“One more time,” Storm requested, squinting a bit. “Hard as you can.”

I gave him an incredulous glance before taking a few deep breaths and bracing myself. Instead of just going with it, I began to actively focus on putting everything I had into the next one. Already I could feel the tightness in my chest like a pressure that was building up as though it anticipated a powerful release.

“Attempt Number Three!” Twilight ordered, stepping back a little bit, “Maximum output! Commence!”

I roared audibly like something out of some corny action movie as I let it all out. If I had not been putting all my focus and effort into this one, I’d have distracted myself with just how *#&%ing cool it really looked. Pardon my Equestrian, but it was awesome. It was a big ol’ torrent of turquoise and red-orange flames that almost made it to the unassuming little pebble made of frustration and stumpery.

For several moments, the only sound was that of my semi-winded breathing.

“Well?” Twilight broke the silence.

“That’s… new,” Storm said after another soundless second, “The magic is being pulled into the blank spot and being compressed into the raw dot at its center.”

“Compressed? What, like a black hole or something?” I asked.

“Not sure what that is, but I can confirm that the magic is not being destroyed, it’s just being concentrated on a focus,” he elaborated, stroking his chin with a hoof, “The blank area around the focus though, I’ve seen it. Yesterday, at the ruins.”

“Le gasp!” I said, “That was what you were going on about! I thought you were just making up excuses for losing a fight!”

Really, I said that unironically. Which is somewhat stupid of me, I’ll admit. Incredibly insensitive, at least. Twilight must have agreed, because she flying-book’d me upside the back of my head.

“Ack!” I cried, diving under the closest table avoid any further airborne literary abuse.

Storm chuckled under his breath. “I found that much more amusing than I should have.”

“Twilight, no flying books!” I whined from under the table. I wanted to get out from underneath it, but I wasn’t taking the chance, even if it smelled like sterile-sweet chemicals down there.

She replied, but I stopped paying attention. I’d just realized how comfortable the carpet was underneath the table and considered taking a nap. I mean, if Twilight needed me, she’d just shake me awake. Or beat me with more books. I wish she wouldn’t do that, but rarely do I get my way these days. I started to close my eyes and murmured a few lines from the Hush-Now-Quiet-Now song.

“What is that smell?” Storm Wing asked, jarring me somewhat conscious. His voice was a little slurred but became somewhat alert when a very audible flop came from Twilight’s direction. I snapped my eyes open to confirm that I wasn’t the only one losing consciousness. Twilight was flopped over a chair in what had to be one of the most uncomfortable chair-flopping positions I had ever seen.

“Miss Twilight?!” Storm barked in shock, causing me to lift my head up. I was just barely conscious enough to realize that something just might be wrong.

All sound was slowly becoming distant but I remember the distinct sound of glass breaking. I looked back at Storm Wing just in time to witness him try to take flight, only to make it two feet off the ground and then gloriously crash into a nearby shelf. Somewhere deep within my mind I suddenly realized that we were all in danger and I had to do something. Anything but lay here and pass out like the others.

That sterile-sweet smell had been slight before, but it was quickly becoming an overpoweringly pungent rot. I had a good idea as to what it was, but that wasn’t as important as doing something about it. With all the willpower I had, I managed to begin dragging myself out from under the table and away from the center of the room. Much to my relief, the smell was indeed getting fainter the further I forcibly moved myself. By the time I made it to the first set of inwardly curved shelves, my vision and hearing began to just barely clear themselves up.

“Hah!” I grunted, slowly pushing myself off the ground with my two front hooves. “Ssss… Sssuck it, bitchezzz…”

And then a wet rag smelling suspiciously of chloroform slapped down over my entire face.

“Oh goodness!” I exclaimed before promptly fading out like a Bollywood romance scene.

Side note: Should you go to Equestria, throw your sleep schedule out the window because you won’t sleep unless Equestria wants you to sleep.

* * *

Well, we stayed clocked out for several hours, surprisingly enough. Last I checked, chloroform was supposed to only affect you for an hour, possibly two. Even if left near you it shouldn’t affect a pony for much longer considering that the stuff evaporates incredibly quickly. For some reason, though, we were out until a good portion into the morning. Lucky found us and was able to revive us all with little cups of water that she dumped onto our faces. I remember the water being really, really effing cold because she fetched it from some clouds near the tower. Damn it, Lucky. Just damn it, okay?

So anyway, we were all completely unharmed except for a bruise on Storm’s left foreleg. That was not to say that everything was all fine and dandy. It wasn’t. All the notes and research we did on the Inmanipulon? Yeah, it was gone. Along with all our samples. Storm was irritated, I was pissed but Twilight? Twilight couldn’t see straight. I don’t think Twilight’s ever been stolen from and it bothered her on some deep level. When she wasn’t on the brink of tears, she was busy trying to keep herself from yelling at everything. Luckily, she was still listening to reason and when I pointed out that her emotional state might still be under the effect of Inmanipulon, she chilled.

She needed something to comfort her so I promised to make her some pwncakes and roffles if she promised to behave long enough for me to whip them up real quick. She acquiesced and I scooted along to the kitchen. As I approached the place of cookery, I could hear my favorite British-Bishi pony inside, humming to himself as he whipped up whatever masterpiece he deemed worthy of the princesses.

I kicked the door open and bellowed. “COOKIE!”

“AAAHHHH!” he screamed, throwing his hooves up in the air and sending a skillet full of something along with it.

“AAAHHHH!” I dived out of the way of… whatever that goop was. All I know was that it was yellow, airborne, and hot enough to kill organisms on a microscopic level.

Splat.

We looked at the puddle of sizzling yellow stuff before looking up at one another. His assistant, known to others as Sugar Dust, known to me as Bitchy Quadruped #4 (FYI: The others are Luna, Princess of the Night, and The Alicorn formerly known as Nightmare Moon), burst into the room from the pantry before slapping a hoof over her face.

“Dude.” I pointed at the mess. “Five second rule. Hurry up, you’re running out of time.”

He probably wasn’t amused, but he didn’t say anything. He just stared at me for several seconds, as though waiting for me to do something.

“What do you want?!” Sugar Dust snapped.

“I want to make pancakes! And possibly a few waffles!” I demanded, slamming my hoof on a nearby counter for emphasis. “You need not assist! Merely stand aside! I had a bad night and so did my friend and I want to make us some comfort food!”

“We’re not going to put up with your idiocy anymore, alien!” she yelled back with greater fervor than I had managed. “Get out!”

I blinked. That wasn’t a very ponyful response. Then again, I was being kind of an ass.

I sighed, deflating a bit before walking towards the little closet in the corner where the kitchen kept its mops and stuff for cleaning. “Okay, look, I’m sorry. I’ll clean up the mess. I’ll even use the crappy wood stove and dump out the ashes myself. No more funny stuff for like… a month. Pretty please?”

“Absolutely n-…” Bitchy Quadruped started to reply.

“Yes!” Cookie loudly cut her off, “go ahead. Don’t worry about the mess. Make whatever you like and hurry up, if you don’t mind. I’ve got to cook for Blueblood’s guests so just… try to stay out of the way. Sugar Dust, please attend to the accident.”

Miss Dust found that to be the most unbelievable thing she had ever heard.

“Cookie, you can’t be se-…” she started to say before being cut off yet again.

“I’m quite serious. We’re already behind and you making a fuss is only making a bad situation even worse,” he sharply replied before turning back for the stove. “Thank you for your cooperation.”

There was a heavy silence that did nothing but further threw off my already bad day. Eventually we all went about our business and resolved ourselves to just ignore one another’s presence. I could feel a lot of tension in the room and all I wanted was to make my exit as soon as possible. That said, I just got it over with and made a total of eight waffles and eight pancakes. I was going to take the time to butter each one, then stagger-stack them so that it would be sillier when I presented them to Twilight. After that, though? I just wanted to get out of there.

Cookie was nice enough to get me a stack of plates and silverware before rushing me out the door. Not wanting to cause more problems, I didn’t give him any grief and just left with the food and condiments in tow. I made my way back out to my special bench where I left the bipolar purple pony to ponder the perplexing problem of our possessions having been purloined from our persons (ponies) without permission by way of chemical persuasion. By the time I got there, I could tell that her jimmies had mostly unrustled themselves. Upon noticing my arrival, she could tell that what little energy I’d had left over from the theft had been sapped by something else.

“What’s wrong, Firewall?” she asked, already frowning somewhat.

“Stuff,” I answered as I floated her a plate and flopped some waffles on it. “Just starting to think I need to be less of a silly dumbass.”

“You’re not dumb, Firewall,” she replied reflexively, “You can be pretty silly, sure, but that doesn’t make a pony stupid.”

“Mebbe,” I answered with a nod, fetching a butterknife and going for the butterdish to do some butterstuff with it. “Mebbe. I didn’t butter them just yet, so…”

“Hey,” Twilight poked me my side with a hoof and sorta left it there. I think it’s the equivalent of setting a hand on your shoulder, but nopony ever confirmed that with me. “You can talk to me. What’s wrong?”

I sighed, shutting my eyes and shaking my head.

“Lesson One about humans, Twilight: Never give a human an opportunity to whine to you. Why? Well, if you had you ever had to listen to one, you’d know. ‘Cause I gotta tell ya, we’re pretty damn good at it and all it does is upset others and stuff.”

Just a note, guys: This is me not wanting to talk about it and making up complete bullshit to get what I want. So uh… Don’t take that for serious, okay?

“Listening is just another part of being a friend,” she countered, giving me a heartmelting smile.

“Oh gosh!” I coughed out a surprised laugh. “Lesson Two about humans! We like to stay grumpy sometimes so that we can blow off steam in our own way. And you making me feel better by talking about being my friend is just deflating my anger balloon like pssssssshhhhhfffbbbtbbttt~! So good job and stuff on ruining my bad mood!”

There was a lot of hoof waving in those sentences to help emphasize what I was getting at. I’m fairly sure if you tied my hooves together, I wouldn’t be able to hold a conversation.

“Oh my, I feel terrible already,” she gasped in false shame before letting out a giggle.

“You should,” I confirmed before spreading warm syrupy love all over my pancakes. Mmmmm…

After that, the small talk turned on and I got to tell Twilight what Luna was like. She was floored. She expected a more mysterious Celestia or something, hell I don’t know. When I pointed out that the two were as different as the day and the night, she was forced to groan and recoil from the terrible pun. All in all, I was making a swift recovery and self-doubt had been all but entirely dispelled.

Shortly after my third waffle (Yes, I like to eat them one at a time), that silvery pony from before showed up. You know, the one that was guarding Luna’s door the day before? Hell, the only reason I remembered her was because she was the skank that held me down by my freakin’ horn.

“Oh, look. It’s that silvery pony from before!” I gasped as though narrating.

“My name is Lieutenant Silverheart,” she stated dryly before rolling her slanted silvery eyes. “You’re Firewall, right? The human?”

Twilight winced a bit. She wasn’t very appreciative of the harsh tone that the Sky Archon was taking, but she’s not exactly assertive enough to throw a pony under the bus over such things.

“Indeed, I am,” I affirmed, tilting my head a bit. “You here to stomp on my horn some more?”

That must be some serious kind of offensive because Twilight gasped in shock while Silverheart blushed a bit.

“No, I’m not here for that,” she coughed a bit, looking away as she cleared her throat and looking back to us, “I… am sorry for how things went during our first encounter. But I take no chances when a fire-breathing unicorn breaks into Princess Luna’s room.”

“Uh-huh. Yeah, water under the bridge and all that,” I took another bite of pancake and arched an eyebrow. “Soooo... what are you here for then?”

“Sky Archon Captain Storm Wing has requested your presence. I was sent to deliver the message and escort you to him,” she clarified, meeting my gaze with soldier’s steel in her silver eyes.

Screw Captain Storm Wing (S.C.S.W.C. - 6) was the first thing that came to my mind, but then I remembered that he was big enough to help me and Twilight last night. Even if he wasn’t big enough to reach for the light switch without resorting to wings. Not that he’d need a light switch, mind you.

I let out a soft groan before looking down at my waffles. I didn’t want to squander all that golden brown goodness and I also couldn’t leave them all for Twilight. I had her figure to think about.

“Can I bring the waffles?” I turned my gaze her way, sticking out my bottom lip.

Silverheart blinked, unsure how she should go about processing this development. After a moment of stunned silence, she shrugged her wings (… Damn it…).

“I don’t see why not,” she replied before turning about and taking a deep breath for patience. “Please, come with me.”

“I’ll see ya later, Twi.” I gave her a casual salute.

“Thank you for breakfast!” she smiled back.

I complied, magically grabbing the last few pancakes and waffles that weren’t on Twilight’s plate and tossing a bunch of syrup and butter on them before stacking them all on my plate. Then, just to mess with Twilight, I pushed her plate away from her about two feet. The look she gave me was an amalgamation of irritation and amusement. Thoroughly pleased with myself, I stuck my tongue out at her and scampered after Silverheart. The Archon was looking at me as though she was trying to discern if I was real or just an insane side-effect of a subtle mental breakdown. I turned to face her, tongue still hanging out before sucking it back in and smiling brightly.

“You are… strange,” she stated, having nothing more to say on the matter even after I tried to pester her on the subject.

It took us a short while, but we made our way to the ballroom where Storm Wing patiently awaited my arrival. And man, did he look like hell or what. He wasn’t wearing his armor and his eyes were a little more half lidded, but the messy mane and tail were what gave me the impression that he was having a bad day. Seriously, when your hair is longer than that of the average female, messiness just holds that much more prevalence.

“Damn, Storm. Either you lost a fight with a thunder cloud, or you’ve had a rough night,” I commented as we approached.

He smirked a bit without even glancing my way. “You should see the thunder cloud. What are the waffles and pancakes for?”

“For a while!” I proclaimed.

“Of course they are,” he replied before turning his head our way just slightly, “Lieutenant Silverheart, thank you and you’re dismissed. Go make sure Lucky hasn’t burned down Canterlot for me, will you?”

Silverheart blinked before saluting. I swear to you, I saw fear in those eyes. Maybe I was just imagining things? But probably not. Lucky is one scary hoofie. After dropping the salute, she turned and flew off in an entirely normal fashion. No sparkly lightning, no sonic boom of speed, just a dismal, unexcited take-off.

I thought about commenting, but just let it pass. Instead, I turned to Storm Wing and prodded for information.

“So… what’s up, Speedy?”

“Luna has not slept in two days,” was his dry, flat answer.

“Maybe she should take LUNESTA!”

Yes, I went there.

Storm Wing arched an eyebrow and swiveled his head in my general direction. “What…?”

“Hmmm.” I contemplatively tapped my chin with a hoof. “Yeah, that joke really holds no significance here.”

“I see,” he stupidly answered.

“No, you don’t!” I roared in protest, “You don’t see anything!”

He totally ignored that. Unfortunately for me, he’s a little too smart to be baited into such nonsense.

“Anyway, she asked me to bring you to her…” he started to say before I cut him off.

“Woah, woah, hold up.” I waved a hoof to signal a time out. “Luna asked you to bring me to her. So rather than fetch me yourself, you sent Silverheart, Stomper of Horns to bring me here so that you could escort me the last twenty steps?”

“Princess Celestia asked me to watch after Luna.”

Random Tangent: Storm Wing’s voice is incredible. Why? Only he can say the words ‘Princess Celestia’ and not sound like a sissy. Which totally sucks for us bronies, because there’s a huge difference between sounding like a sissy and actually being one.

“I won’t be able to sense her if I go much farther. This is as close as I could get to fulfilling the wishes of both princesses.”

“Uh-huh. Good cover up, slacker.” I gave him a skeptical glare.

His expression finally cracked when he shut his eyes, took a deep, quiet breath, and let it out through his nose. He sounded like a tire rapidly losing its PSI. (Ponies per Square Inch - Fact.)

“I’m also lacking a good bit of sleep myself and Luna did not specify that I bring you to her in top condition,” he said after finishing his deflation. “Perhaps you should keep that in mind before further testing my patience.”

… … … Challenge Accepted.

-Two Minutes Later-

“AAAAHHH!!!” I screamed as I barreled through Luna’s door.

“Well, if I didn’t have any trouble sleeping before, I certainly do now.”

Luna was laying on her night-themed bed (I personally expected troll faces and a portrait of Rick Astley) with quite possibly the most impatient of looks upon her face.

Naturally, I paid her no mind and leaped over her bed to put something solid between myself and the Sky Archon that was hot on my heels. I checked to make sure I had successfully made the leap without losing any waffles and pancakes. Much to my dismay, though, the final tally showed that I had lost one in all the excitement.

“No!” I sputtered breathlessly before poking my head up over the bed. Sure enough, as Storm Wing entered the room, I could see one side of his mouth protruding from being so full of delicious pancake.

“You heartless bastard!” I cried in horror.

He swallowed, smirking my way after the deed was done. “Consider it payment for not kicking the blank off your flank.”

GAH!!! That line! So… So good… Gah!

“What is going on, again?” Luna didn’t actually look that interested in what was going on; I don’t know why she was asking.

“Luna!” I hollered, snapping my head her way. “What are you doing here?!”

“This is my room.”

I looked about. Indigo paint on the ceiling, black columns, dark blue fluffy pillows, corn-blue stained furniture, and moons on just about everything. There was a big, blue stuffed animal that looked like a mix between a dolphin and the Loch Ness Monster. I wasn’t sold, though, until I noticed the picture of Celestia and Luna in their younger years resting atop the nightstand next to the bed. By the way, Celestia is adorable with pink hair.

“So it is,” I confirmed, “Good observation.”

“Thanks, I like to make my family proud,” she countered sardonically.

I chuckled before looking back at Storm Wing. “You can leave now, ya jerk!”

“Hush, Firewall,” Luna ordered before glancing back at the Sky Archon, “Thank you, Storm Wing.”

“Not at all, Pr-…” he started to reply before blinking at the sudden change of expression on Luna’s face.

Did you guys know that Luna hates, despises, and absolutely loathes being called ‘Princess’? I mean, it doesn’t come up often with me because I call her just about everything that isn’t complimentary or respectful. Well, apparently Storm knew that, too. But he’s a huge stickler for formalities so… yeah.

Storm ended up just grunting and hopping up onto the top of Luna’s armoire. After dusting it off a bit, he did a circle as though he were a cat and simply flopped down. I just had so many comments come to mind that my brain derped out and all I could do was gape in awe.

Luna snickered at my reaction because she likes to laugh at my expense.

“Are you alright?” she asked softly.

“All he needs is a scratching post,” I mumbled absentmindedly before blinking and looking back at Luna. “Hey, you had me brought here! Why would you do something so silly? We both know that I have ponies to play with and this is seriously cutting into that. What’s up?”

“I wanted to talk,” she answered quite plainly.

“Damn, I’m good!” I exclaimed, setting my pwncakes and roffles on the nightstand. “Already accomplished the objective and I didn’t even know what it was!”

Luna facehoofed. But not like this dramatic slap on her forehead. No, it was slow, deliberate and perfectly portrayed her thoughts on my nonsense.

Her words were flat and almost helpless. “You astound me.”

“That’s what all the ladies say!” I promised before dropping my pony-elbow-hock thingies up on the bed and bracing my chin up with my hooves. “So, like, enough with the silliness. What’s up with you not sleeping? Isn’t that bad for you?”

“Don’t want to sleep,” she answered with a long yawn. “Been having nightmares. The kind that you can’t scare away with a few spells.”

I suddenly felt extremely numb all over, having a damn good guess as to what was causing the nightmares. As I understand it, dreams and nightmares are the mind’s way of occupying your sensory perceptions while you’re asleep and also act as a sort of taking-out-the-mental-garbage. It’s why people that sleep to music usually have a slightly less restful sleep because they’re occupying a piece of their mind by listening to it. This was all second-hand information from a supposed sleep-expert that worked at a Serta mattress store, but he sure as hell was confident and charismatic. THE POINT was that Luna didn’t have a trash bin full of mental garbage, but an entire junkyard of it.

“Well, look on the bright side!” I said, sitting back on my haunches and pointing to the large plate of breakfast foods on the nightstand. “I brought you foodstuffs! Om nom nom?”

“I’m really not in the mood,” she sighed miserably, slowly shutting her eyes before forcing them back open. “Food makes me sleepy and sleeping is the last thing I want to do right now.”

“Well, you’re having problems sleeping, right?” I retorted, “Let us eat then, and begin the process of forcibly rendering you unconscious! Here, I’ll show you how!”

That said, I levitated a large waffle up to my face and took a huge chomp out of it.

“Now you try!” I proclaimed through the golden, fluffy goodness.

Before she replied, I floated her a pancake and dropped it onto the pillow beside her. Naturally, it soiled the fabric the moment it came into contact with it due to the fact that it was covered in butter and syrup.

“What are you doing!?” Luna cried, sitting up in shock at the sight of her defiled pillow. “You’re ruining my bed!”

That wasn’t very fair of her. I mean, I never even had a chance to answer her question.

“Oh my gosh!” I cried out in dismay, throwing my hooves up into the air. “I suck at comforting ponies! My life is a lie!”

I could hear Storm Wing slap a hoof over his face from behind me. Luna grabbed the pancake and threw it at me, helplessly laughing at the randomness of the situation. I caught it with magic and eagerly devoured the projectile flapjack.

“You’re an idiot,” she grumped tiredly before casting a spell to clean off the pillow.

“You’re the one turning down delicious pancakes,” I countered, my voice muffled by the tastiness in my mouth.

“Yes, yes. Clearly a sign of insanity,” she commented before lying back against the pillow and sighing. “Firewall, are you sure you’re a human? Because I know what humans are like now. More than even you know. And you just don’t seem to me like the typical human.”

Either that was her idea of a compliment, or I was being told in a roundabout way that I’m a freak.

“Wow, that’s a little misanthropic, don’t you think?” I let out a soft chuckle after swallowing the last of the pancake. “I mean, if you know so much about humans, you should also know that we are really, extra, super diverse. No two humans are entirely alike. Hell, it’s hard to find another human that’s incredibly like oneself. I’m just another guy.”

Luna responded by turning over and burying her face into the pillow. She mumbled something into it and the only thing I could think of was the Pyro from Team Fortress 2. I snorted loudly, trying to prevent myself from going off on a tangent of quotes. Good ol’ Stoic, there to keep me in line.

“Well, I can’t discern what you said entirely,” I pointed out with another laugh, “But if I had to take a guess, you’re either insulting my mother, or you’re offering to sell me a pony for an outrageous sum. It could go either way, really. But before you say anything, let me remind you that slavery is illegal in Equestria.”

I paused at that last line before glancing back at Storm Wing. “It is illegal, right?”

Storm’s reply was to yawn and bob his head up and down, so I took that as a nod.

“There you go, Luna,” I said, feeling firmly convicted in my statement. “It’s super illegal. So you may, in fact, not sell me a pony for an outrageous sum. Storm Wing would have to arrest you if you do that.”

Luna’s pillow-muffled laugh was shortly followed by the Sky Archons impatient sigh. She eventually looked up from the fluffy fabric and wiped at her bleary eyes. “Humans are so awful though.”

“No, we’re not awful,” I rolled my eyes and handed (hooft’d? Seriously, I’ve no clue what the appropriate term is…) a piece of waffle that I had sectioned off for her. “Some humans are awful. A lot of humans are just fine. And there are even more that are bigger sweethearts than some of the ponies I’ve met.”

She gingerly inserted the treat into her mouth. “I... I know... It’s just... I can’t explain it, Firewall. I know you’re not all bad, but I can’t help but see all the dreadful potential.”

“Yeah, I figured,” I said with a nod, sighing feebly as I tried to arrange my scatterbrained thoughts. “I mean, The Nightmare wasn’t kidding. Humans can get pretty nasty. And yeah, we’re pretty keen on recording the worst parts of our history. But it’s in an effort to learn and better ourselves from it. Does that make any sense?”

“Mmmhmm,” she nodded with a soft yawn that Storm Wing quickly contracted. “And I can see a lot of reason and logic for many things that humans actually do. But… Firewall, you have to realize that your world is terrifying compared to mine."

“Yeah. Yeah, I know.” I felt my ears flop down against my head as I generally deflated all over. “Look, Luna, I know you…”

“However,” she interrupted me, “It’s still incredibly fascinating. And industrialized technology is quite literally the most… amazing thing I’ve ever heard of.”

I blinked, tilting my head and perking up a tad. “Really?”

“Yes,” she nodded sleepily, “I just…”

She paused to yawn again, this time taking an exceptionally long time to get it over with. I was impressed enough to clap a bit.

“Mmmm, first show is free,” she chuckled gently before continuing. “I don’t judge you, Firewall, for your origins. I don’t even judge your origins. They’re just different than mine and I’m fine with that. But deep within the uncontrollable reaches of my heart... I guess the best word you would recognize is the subconscious. I fear it. I fear the world you come from. And now that I understand those origins, Firewall… I cannot help but fear you; if just a little bit. And no matter how much I know that it’s foolish, I cannot stop those fears from tormenting me while I sleep.”

I lost a lot of happiness in that right there. The idea that Luna was frightened by me, even just subconsciously, was really heartbreaking. My eyes went wide with disbelief and my voice couldn’t even find itself to let me assure her that I was nothing to be scared of.

“Let me explain.” She sat up a little. “I do not fear you hurting me, Firewall… But I fear that powerful human passion that you house. In just the short time I’ve known you, I know that without a doubt that you live by leading with your heart. And that’s beautiful. You’re just so different from everything I’ve known. But you’re also a mystery. The Nightmare is an evil, but it’s an evil I know. It’s an evil I can fight. You… I don’t know what would happen if you were driven to an extreme. You might tear down all of Equestria for what you think is the good and right thing to do.”

I blinked, shutting my mouth as I tilted my head back to the other side. “I think you are… vastly overestimating my potential. Like… by a huge margin.”

“No.” She shook her head back and forth, slowly. “I don’t think I am. On Earth, you might have been just another human. Here, in Equestria, you will soon discover how limits are only determined by what you make of them.”

“And the thought of that bothers you?” I gave her a big goofy grin. “That I might get a wild hair up my plot one day and pierce the heavens with my horn?”

She sighed in exasperation before walloping me with a pillow and sending me sprawling. I tumbled back a bit, bumping into Mister Captain Pony’s armoire. I lifted my head to see him looking down at me with a smirk.

“Storm!” I cried out, pointing an accusing hoof in Luna’s direction, “That pony just assaulted me! How many years in the dungeon is that?!”

“Four years for the victim,” he grunted, “and no trials.”

“Damn.” I slumped a bit as I started to pout. “What if I hit her back?”

“Then you get four years in the dungeon and a beating. So by all means…”

“Luna… Your justice system sucks harder than Kirby at an AYCE (All You Can Eat for the acronym ignorant),” I whined.

She grunted back at me before sitting up a bit, her eyes widening somewhat.

I leaned away. “What…? You okay?”

She tensed up a bit before suddenly dropping herself back against the bed and letting out a frustrated sigh. “Sorry, Firewall. Tried to give a buck. Couldn’t do it, though.”

With that she began to tiredly giggle. I didn’t show it at first, but hearing her laugh in earnest was music to my pointy little ears. Don’t know why; it was just a relief to see her happy. Eventually I did smile and she took note, raising her eyebrows in confusion.

“What’s that for?” she queried.

“Dunno,” I replied honestly before getting up and cantering back to her bedside. “I guess I was just really worried and it’s nice to see that you’re okay.”

“At least I’m not stuttering anymore,” she remarked with a slow nod before turning on her side as though she were setting in for some inevitable bed rest. “Can I ask you a question?”

“Anything,” I answered without hesitation. “Keep in mind though, you definitely know much more than I do.”

“That’s nothing new,” she replied, the side of her mouth slowly turning upward. “But seriously, I want you to answer me as best you can. In your own words, what is a human? And if you say ‘A Miserable Pile Of Secrets’, I’m not sure what I’ll do, but I am sure it won’t be pleasant. For you, at least.”

I was totally going to say it, too.

I sighed, drooping down somewhat before giving her a pout. “No bullshit?”

“You heard me,” she almost growled.

I let out a snicker before wiping the grin off my face and getting myself in the proper mindset. It took me a moment to think of a place to start, but after a few moments of thinking, I figured I would just… let it flow.

Brace yourselves for the PHILOSOPHICAL MUSINGS OF FIREWALL!

“Alright then.” I took a moment to collect my thoughts one last time, tilting my head a bit before taking a deep breath. “Humans are... quite odd, now that I think about it. They’re imaginative, desire-driven, persevering, stubborn, passionate creatures. Nothing more. Not that different from ponies, really, except that humans don’t get cutie marks to tell us what we want deep down. Which is hard because sometimes we never find out what we want. When we do, though, we chase it without so much as a second thought and often never even realize that it makes us happy to have that purpose. We’re not afraid to fight for what we want, even if it means fighting one another.

You can’t classify all of humanity in just a short, concise idea. We’re way too diverse and to try would be pretty futile. Some humans just think about themselves and their personal desires. Some people want to help the race as a whole thrive and flourish. Others, like me, want them and everyone around them to have fun. In general, however, your average homo sapiens just wants to live his life and keep his head down in a simple, happy existence. But no matter what a person’s cause, there are good and bad ways to go about it. Sure, there are plenty of humans that aren’t afraid of stepping on anyone and anything, but there are plenty that refuse to show such carelessness. Remember when you asked me how I’m able to stay so happy?”

Luna nodded at me, laying back down tiredly. I glanced back at Storm Wing, only to meet his gaze. He was staring back at me as intently as a blind pony could. I think he was more interested in hearing this than Luna was, actually.

“That’s what it’s all about. You’ve gotta take the good with the bad,” I said popping what was left of the waffle in my mouth, “Yesterday you were just a pony princess, but now you’ve seen some serious shit. And you’ve got to realize that the choice to either be happy or miserable is exactly just that. A choice. I know, it’s easier said than done, and you can’t really make yourself not have nightmares, but maybe... maybe you can adjust with time. Much to your misfortune, though, you’ve just got me to help you along the way!”

Luna snorted before holding out her hoof to me. After a moment of hesitation, I took it. I felt her squeeze my hoof gently (which baffled my understanding of physics to no end) and after a few silent moments, she let her eyes flutter shut. I bit my lip and felt my chest tighten up a little as the realization that Luna would probably not have a pleasant sleep despite my comforting words. And I hated that. I wanted to do something about that. I wanted to be that protector. That firewall, just as Luna had said. My only problem was that the sheer ridiculousness of that notion was holding me back. It was just such a magical and ludicrous thought process that I was following that I didn’t know if I should let myself go down that path. Was this fanciful thinking just too far out there, I kept asking myself. This wasn’t some fairy-tale, I said. You’re still just another guy!

My train of thought was interrupted by Luna twitching a tad. It wasn’t long before I understood what was happening. Luna’s nightmares were returning. She stirred with a whimper and I felt frustration seethe within me. I just wanted to do something but what can one do about a nightmare? Then I remembered Mister Vimh and his advice to me. I had everything I needed to help Luna. I was a freakin’ unicorn! This was something I could do! I had the imagination! I had the faith! I sure as hell had the bloody conviction! All I needed now was the focus and I told myself that I would be damned before I screwed this up, too.

I shut my eyes, told myself what I wanted and how I would get it done. I knew it would work if I just gave it my all, holding nothing back. Almost immediately, I felt as though all strength I had left me so swiftly that I almost wondered if I had always been so decrepit. I instantly recognized the arcane exhaustion for what it was and heard a small part of me begin to panic. I nearly collapsed, but I wasn’t sure that I had produced results yet. And that wasn’t good enough. Uncertainty was not an option and I wasn’t going to stop until I knew I’d succeeded. Despite my determination, though, I started to feel dizzy and was nearly forced into giving up by way of passing out. It was the sound of Luna murmuring anxiously in her sleep that drove me on to keep on giving everything I had until I heard a distinct melodic ring.

I opened my eyes to see Luna sleeping peacefully with a little glowing shield just under her horn and nearly collapsed from the fatigue I had just inflicted upon myself. Storm Wing caught me, having evidently left his perch to see what I was doing.

“Come with me,” he said quietly, hooking a wing under me and began to guide me out of the room. His voice was urgent and his motions were a little rushed. If I had been just a little more aware, I’d have tried to discern what the big hurry was. Things as they were, though, I wasn’t in much of a condition to do anything but comply with a tired grunt.

As we exited, Storm Wing shut the door and sighed in relief. “Thank you, Firewall. I don’t know what you did, but I’m glad you did it.”

“Did what?” a regal voice popped up from behind us, “Is Luna any better?”

Celestia is not small. Nor is she particularly colored to camouflage against anything, considering she glows like the sun half the time! Hence, you can understand my shock when she got so close without making any noise.

“Sssshit!” I hissed despite my exhaustion, stumbling away from the princess until I fell back on my hindquarters.

“Yes, my princess. Firewall helped Luna get to sleep with a spell I’ve never seen before,” Storm Wing answered her, ignoring my dramatic reaction. “She’s now not having any nightmares. At least, I don’t think she is.”

“D-Damn it, Celestia!” I placed a hoof over my chest. “Are all princess ponies so stealthy!?”

“I’m… I’m so glad.” Celestia smiled as though Christmas had come early before looking down at me. “I… Thank you, Stephen.”

“Yeah…” I panted, nodding as I smiled back up at the princess. “Yeah, just… You just make some noise when you walk, and we’ll call it even, yeah?”

“We should probably move him away from the door,” Storm commented slyly, as though I were about to make a racket. To be fair, I’m prone to do that sort of thing.

He pointed at me with a hoof, attracting Celestia’s attention. She followed his hoof to me and didn’t seem to notice at first. After a second, though, she gasped and held a hoof up over her mouth in shock.

“Oh my,” she murmured in surprise before smiling brightly. “I think you should come with me, my little human.”

I think I just came up for a way to make a million bits selling a new line of toys to little colts and fillies.

The worst of the exhaustion departed, I simply obeyed. Picking my sorry plot up, I cantered after the princess with a curious, if somewhat tired expression on my face. Storm Wing kept pace with a slight smile on his lips. I kept trying to get what was up out of him, but he kept shaking his head, unwilling to spill the beans.

I followed Celestia all the way to the ballroom and all the way to the dais where they put performers like the ones we had seen at the Grand Galloping Gala. Alongside the back of the wall was a large mirror that stretched all the way up on the impressively tall ceiling.

“Now that we are sufficiently away from Luna’s room,” Celestia started with a laugh, “Why don’t you take a look at yourself.”

I blinked tiredly before turning my head at the mirror. It took me a minute to realize what was so damned important but after I finally noticed what was up, I could see why it was so critical that I stay away from Luna. Because I was about to make a lot of noise. Or at least, I had every intention of doing so.

“Mother of God,” I wheezed, stumbling a bit. “There’s a tattoo on my butt. How drunk did I get last night?”

Storm Wing snorted as I lost my balance and held up a hoof to help steady me.

Yes, it was true. A mother-bucking Cutie Mark. It was beautiful. The design was simplistic, yet stylish; a tri-pointed red shield that held a smaller blue shield inside of it with a tiny tongue of flame in the center. I was utterly breathless. I couldn’t believe it. I had a Cutie Mark. Oh sweet pony Jesus. Things were getting dizzy.

“I’m… I’m so... Oh God.” I craned my head to look upon it with my own eyes. Oh God, it was still there. That meant it was real. “I think I’m… I think I’m going to cry.”

It made such perfect sense. I wanted to be a protector and now I got a shield for a Cutie Mark. All I needed now was a pair of wings to complete the All-Bronies-Will-Die-Of-Jealousy combo. And yeah, my eyes were totally welling up with glee.

“Celestia, I’m… Does this make me a pony, now?” I looked up at her with my lip poked out to help show her just how emotionally charged this had made me.

She was about to reply when she was cut off by a loud, brash, and arrogant laugh. A very distinctive loud, brash, and arrogant laugh. Indeed, it was my favorite loud, brash, and arrogant laugh.

“Tremble, Canterlot! Tremble from head to hoof! For this land is now under the rule of a New Order! I, The Great and Powerful Trixie, claim this city in the name of Azure Flora!” her beautifully obnoxious voice boomed throughout the grand room.

“I’ve never been so happy to hear an invasion announcement,” I stated with all seriousness, my eyes wide with excitement. “I, for one, welcome our new pony overlord.”

“What?” Storm Wing was so very confused by my words. I can’t say I blame him.

The roof was suddenly torn off of the ball room and that awesome blue pony dropped in, laughing haughtily, “Cower before The Great and Powerful Tr-r-rixie!”

This was quickly followed by me running down the stairs and hitting her with a glomp. For those of you that are not fanboy/girl-inclined, a glomp is an enthusiastic flying tackle-hug. And that’s just what I did. I glomped Trixie.

For great justice.

Yes, you may all proceed to die from jealousy overload.

-=-

This has been a fan-written story by CardsLafter - Follow me on DeviantArt to stay up to date with TTEOAP

Want more Firewall and Friends? Visit the fanmade Firewall Club at DeviantArt!

Questions, Comments, and Criticism may be directed to the EQD Blogpage

For other questions or more personal comments, email me at [e-mail]

My Little Pony and all characters involved are © of Hasbro and Lauren Faust

Comments

[conantheimp]

15448 Words of Pony!

(As always, this FIRST will be edited into a review of the chapter. More work for me, but I like the extra challenge!)

[CardsLafter]

1577465

I could NOT stop laughing over that I. Also, I'm not apologizing. XD

[Raphite Alustro]

I just had to drop everything and boot my computer when my phone email said this had updated. It interrupted my attempt to fall asleep. Must read.

[Sonic Flameboom]

Not even going to read, or even check to see if someone has said this already but....
I totaly see the Tobuscus reference in the description!

If you didn't intend that or have no idea what I'm talking about then that's kinda creepy.

[destinedjagold]

omg a new chapter~! :D
I've been holding myself to continue reading the fic in EQD, since the ones here are rewrites. ^^

I reached a point where I got confused why it suddenly jumped to chapter 15. xD

gonna read it later when I get back home~!

[gryphon88]

Lafter! Your half-revised stories aggravate me. The first time I read this, there was no mention of your Cutie Mark, one chapter passed by and you had it. Now, it makes sense, so thank you. But still!
Also, Gilda is best pony. Hands down.

[Crimson ONayl]

Well, if we must wait a long time for this story to continue, these DAMN GOOD rewrites will keep me going for a long time

[Wet]

YES.
REVISIONS HAHAHA
MORE EXCUSES TO RE-READ

[Lithl]

WHY CAN'T I HAVE MORE FIREWALL FASTER?

[Heartsvenom]

Fantastic! Love that word. You can emphasise it in do many ways.

[Scootaloser]

*reads the description*

How the hell did anyone read this after that description?
I'll add this to my read later... judging by the likes and comments this should be funny, and I don't even like human in Equestria stories

[Arkaine Deao]

The plural of 'geas' is 'geasa'.

Just throwin' that out there.

[The Danish Adonis]

Well, i got called out in class today when the teacher asked me my opinion on whatever he was talking about, and i just sat there with i giant goofy grin on my face trying not to laugh out loud while reading this....

still, worth it!!

[Jonathon Smythe]

Oh, I have been waiting for that particular character to appear at the end of this chapter. I do so love this story.

[Majk]

Aaah one of the only 3 HiE fics i ever liked updated!
Every time you update you make Luna happy so remember to do it often.

[Thardoc]

i love your chapter titles

[djthomp]

Cutie Mark acquired!

Science time with Twilight was wonderful. Twilight is best mad scientist pony.

[Destructorspace]

At this point, I'm waiting for two things. Trixie's hilarious reaction to Firewall's clinging and praise, and the campfire discussion of shipping.

Love the updates, and I have no frickin' clue where you're going with Tissy and now Vimh.

[destinedjagold]

omg that was full of lol's!

[clonezero]

So nice want more, and time for Firewall to confuse Trixie!

And was that a meet the heavy reference?

God lord when I read the original so long ago I thought things couldn't get any sillier than that. Seems I have grossly underestimated Firewall.

[The Mungoman]

YES, YEEEES
GIVE ME MOOORE TTEOAP
I CAN USE OFF EVERY OUNCE OF YOUR RANDOM
AAA-TH-TH-TH-TH

[Ranubis]

Brace yourselves for the PHILOSOPHICAL MUSINGS OF FIREWALL!

Flee!
But yeah, I'm so happy this chapter's here. One of my personal favorites from the original writing, and I just love how it's even better. Yay!

[themunck]

*sniff* This is beautiful. Keep em coming. :)
*Attempts to brohoof Cardslafter*

[uTTerAbsurdity]

I swear the moment I saw that this had updated, I threw my hands up to the heavens and wept for joy!

1.bp.blogspot.com/_3giJHcgq7Zk/TLXHB1MiB1I/AAAAAAAAA3Q/wG2hPnObzws/s1600/blessthelord.jpg

There may have been an angelic chorus in the background...I couldn't tell, I was to busy with my euphoric high to know any better.
i.imgur.com/OWVHB.gif

[Arcane Howitzer]

Is the last few paragraphs shifting to the center deliberate?

Because it bugs my OCD.

[WorldWalker128]

Many of the references I did not get, but it's fine, and I'm torn between reading what's on EQD and waiting for the rewrites here!

[RF and AG]

Goddammit Luna and Firewall, just shut up and buck already!

[Alphaetus_Prime]

Totes called it on the cutie mark.

[shirotora]

*Checks pulse* Thank god I'm still alive. I laughed, I dawwed, and facepalmed, I loved every moment of it.

1583114 Just curious, what are the other two?

[ultra1437]

Every time i read the words 'I'm not apologizing' I think of this video. I have no regrets for that.

Man, i'm loving this rewrite... it just seems to leave me giggling like a madman as i read it. Again, no regrets. Celly and Storm Wing coaxing him away from Luna's room definitely had me curious as to why, until i remembered Firewall getting his cutie mark roughly about the end of this chapter in the original. It all made sense, until the squee c-c-combo breaker from Trixie.

I'm always happy to drop whatever i'm doing to get some great laughs in when this updates. I'm also not going to lie, this has to be the funniest anything i've ever read, ever. Of all time. Congratulations Cards. You deserve it for another gem of a chapter.

[Majk]

1583794
"The Legend of Echo the Diamond Dog" and "Dude, We're Ponies!"
The former is simply epic and is pretty much the only fic with a justified 4-th wall breaking (seriously, the author made a perfect explanation for this) and the later simply makes me bust a gut with each update.
The other HiE fics are either trying too hard or end up with a 'my avatar falls in love with one of the mane6' hammy plot.

[shirotora]

1583932 I love "Echo", but never read "Dude, Were Ponies!". You got the link for it? Of course I'd like to think that mine's pretty good, but that's just me. I do agree most self inserts have them fall in love with one of the mane 6. That's why I had my character fall in love with another OC (it's not done enough if you ask me).

[Spacecowboy]

Another excellent (revised) chapter for an amazing story! The way you convey humor and the lighthearted and somewhat crazy approach to it all is amazingly well handled, and then the few moments of "clarity" that Firewall displays are made even more exaggerated by his typical behavior that we have come to expect of him. I truly do love this story and cannot wait for the next segment of it.

[Majk]

1583969
"Dude, Were Ponies!"
Good clean serving of ridiculous 'What if?' and almost 100% drama free. I'd also advise reading 'Dreams', the author writes some absolutely hilarious stuff.

[UseFistNotMouth]

Heh. Nice revision. This is the first chapter I can definitely say I enjoyed more than the original. And Firewall getting his cutie mark at that point makes so much more sense. That said, it's interesting how parts of ths seem less like a revision and more like a "round 2".

---

One typo:

In general, however, your average homo sapiens just wants to live his life and keep his heads down in a simple, happy existence.

Should be "head".

[UseFistNotMouth]

1583794
1583969

For other non-crossover HiE, I'd recommend ARTICLE 2, Tinker, Tanner, Hunter, Spy, and Why am I Pinkie Pie?

[needsmorepony]

-fangasms, then cleans it up- epic chapter is epic.

[metallusionsismagic]

A good chapter of falling action. Firewall (finally I can use the name without being spoileriffic) finally has someone who will get all his jokes!
So, no response on the royal guards' part to locate the swipers of the science?
You thought of multiple quotes when reminded of the Pyro? You actually differentiate between the various "Mmmphs" and "Huddas"? Tell me what they mean, I beg you!
Firewall, just burn a Formal alphabet book. You were in a library, for Luna's sake.
I wonder how Vimh will deal with his rewrite rival, Yelling Bird.
In BQ #4's explanation, you mention "the alicorns formerly known as Nightmare Moon." How did you already know the Nightmare was going to possess another alicorn?
...Was that a typo and all 3 are one and the same?
denver.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/thumb/mlfw34.png Oh, you...

[JeremyPunk]

purple pony to ponder the perplexing problem of our possessions having been purloined from our persons (ponies) without permission by way of chemical persuasion

Alliteration = Mind Blown

[thorium220]

another great rewrite, PLEEEEASE keep 'em coming cards! you'll make us sad if you don't...

[Enmar]

An UpDatE~!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

All my win
all of it...

[DarthMaul22]

Damn you, Cards. Damn you and your cliffhangers! dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Vinyl2.png

[Patience]

1582591 : Is there a place where you describe why chapter 15 and 16 intersect the story at chapter 5? I read most of this on ED and I'm wondering why the entire story isn't on FimFiction? Are your going through each chapter and rewriting them before posting them to FF? I'm just at a complete loss at what you are doing. Also I'm trying to avoid spoilers but honestly why do you go from the story of Firewall in Equestria to Fluttershy in deep Russia chasing off bears? Did I miss a chapter after David cast Firewall away or is it just a literary device?

[the onlyoneofmeisyou]

1583203 campfire discussion of shipping.

thank you for reminding me of this grand moment.

[Jack Ass Knife]

1583281 Just yes.

[Jack Ass Knife]

Well I remember this part. NOW TO SPOIL THE REST OF THE STORY *GASP!*

We're sorry, but the number you have called as been disconnected.

[DamagedQ]

1585513 this is a re-write of the original story (the one from ED). The first was good; in fact, it was pretty delicious. But this re-write... it's simply scrumdiddilyumtious (Scrum-didily-umm-chiss). So yeah...

[Winter Storm]

1582915 This story is famous in the fandom. Pretty much hailed as the one HiE fic to pull of meme references, Luna shipping, and somewhat OP characters. All because the main character has such a well-developed personality, that being absolutely no shame.

Seriously, even hardcore anti-HiE readers have loved this fic.

[NightmareZodiac]

You had me in tears at those cold puns.
Bravo sir, bravo. You are a true master of comedy.

[LuckyBreak]

dammit cards? for me the alert for came on my phone at 420 am!
now im stuck with awesome pony dreams of your epic world! i hope your proud!
in all seriousness, massive fan but how in equestria can you make the best fanfic scince fallout equestria even better??
my mind is blown.
*slow claps*