Chapter Five - Part One: Burning Books and Tech for Fun and Profit!
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Patty Cake. A damnable pony if ever there was one. She advertised herself as a celebrity chef pony but the fact of the matter was that she had been created for the sole purpose of driving me insane. How? Oh, well it’s simple. The stupid mare took such pride in her work that she had enchanted all of her books to make them resistant to damage of any kind, thus keeping resale value high. Or so she said. The truth was that she was somewhere out there, rubbing her stupid villainous hooves together as she snickered at my feeble attempts to defeat her magic. I know that’s why Luna chose this book. Because it was amusing for her to give me impossible tasks and watch me fail at them.
“Last try, Hot Head,” Luna reminded me for the umpteenth time.
I glared at that *#&^ing book with all the anger I could manage. I was dis-frigg’n-pleased with its existence. The Incredible Edible Hay was the bane of my happiness. It wanted nothing more than to ruin my life, and I’ll be damned if something wasn’t doing a good job of it. Maybe it was the humid, greenhouse-like air that the garden seemed to have at all times, day or night. Maybe it was the annoying ringing song of Patty’s protection spell that kept me from directly burning the book. Most likely though, it was that damn brown pony (no doubt the villainous Patty Cake) staring off the cover art at me as though she were the most badass mare to ever have her countenance printed on paper and sold next to the ‘Cooking for Dumb Ponies’.
I’m being awesome and nopony can stop me, it practically screamed at me. Oh, I wanted to prove it wrong so badly. So very, very badly.
“It vexes me,” I growled, resisting the urge to grab the book and futilely attempt to rip it in half.
I guess I should explain why it was being such a successful source of fury. Well, put quite simply, I was trying to cast a spell on the book. The book was trying to resist the spell because it didn’t like the idea of being transformed into a small pile of ashes and an intangible archive of information within my mind. Handy spell, eh? Do all of your reading all at once. Woo! Awesome! Unfortunately, though, I had yet to make the spell work because, as I said, the book objected to my attempt at fiery destruction/transformation. But last I checked, the book itself did not have rights. I, on the other hoof, had rights. Like the right to happiness. And this book was getting in the way of that right. I’m pretty sure you get the death penalty for that back in Australia or Canada or something. I know they do it in Sweden, at least.
“Please hurry up and fail already.” That was Luna being supportive. Usually she just screamed at me until I ran away crying. And then she would beat me with a bar of soap in a sock. Or maybe I dreamed that all up, but it’s not like that would be out of character for her or anything. “It’s almost time for me to go to bed.”
“Seriously, I’ve yet to successfully singe the book!” I cried out in frustration, slamming a hoof down in anger. “How am I supposed to incinerate it and slurp up the words!?”
She perked up a bit before reaching up a hoof to gently tap her chin.
“Y’know, I never thought about it that way,” she mused aloud before suddenly tensing up as if she were straining. “If I can just… Wait… Wait… I just...!”
I took a step back. Sorry, but there’s just no reason to take unnecessary risks. For all I know, she might be trying to turn me into a newt. As it turned out, she was just being stupid.
“Nope, sorry.” She relaxed before smiling back at me. “I couldn’t bring myself to care.”
“How unfortunate,” I droned sardonically.
“Cast the spell,” she ordered with a soft yawn, waving a dismissive hoof at me.
I sat up and crossed my hooves angrily. “You cast it!”
“I did. Twice,” she pointed out dryly. “Hurry up, already. It’s almost time for me to go to bed.”
I blinked and looked behind me at the horizon. Sure enough, the sky was starting to take on a telltale greenish tint.
“Word?” I murmured.
“Word,” she confirmed after lifting a foreleg up for random hoof inspection.
Oh, there’s a story behind that, if you care. See, I tend to use a wide variety of slang, and Luna’s smart enough to discern the meaning of each one nearly every time. Now, I had said ‘word’ once before and for some unfathomable reason, it had amused her. A lot. And so it stuck. Which led to a lot of silliness. All that was lacking were fingers to throw out ‘deuces’ with. And shutter shades. That girl needed shutter-shades so badly. Because you… Well, y’know, every punk needs a pair of shutter-shades. u c wut i did thar?
“Um. Right.” I was feeling a little on-the-spot; I’ll admit it. “Uh… Third time’s the charm?”
“Right. Incentive then!” she remarked with a cold, crooked smile crawling up the side of her face. “I’m going to chain you to Lucky for a week if you don’t cast the spell successfully before I count to ten.”
Oh, the unmitigated horror that manifested onto my face. If you think she’s kidding, then you’d be wrong. Dead wrong. Holy accidental homicide (Hippocide?), Batman! Last week she literally chained me to Lucky for a day and gave us a list of errands to do throughout the day. Never again. Understand? Not for all the gold in Fort Knox. Not for Half Life 3. Not for anything, alright? You feel me? I barely survived. It was brutal. Bless Lucky’s little try-hard heart, she did her best to prevent harm from coming to me but there was just nothing that could have saved me. But I’ve figured it out. Lucky isn’t just lucky. She’s what we will from now on refer to as a Good Luck Singularity. That’s how she does it. She takes everyone else’s good luck and leaves only bad luck around her. If Lucky were to stand in a freakin’ crowd of ponies, a meteor would smash into the crowd with a Lucky-sized, Lucky-shaped hole in the middle that would spare her life. But the worst part? She’ll assume every bad thing happening around her is her fault and cry about it. And as annoying as it sounds, it’s equally heartbreaking to actually watch because there is no way to convince her that she’s wrong. Because, in all honesty, she probably isn’t.
“W-What?!” I gasped as my eyes widened in terror. “Don’t you mean ‘if you try to cast it successfully’?!”
“Nope.” She set her hoof back down and turned that demonic smile my way. “Your belligerence has worked a nerve. It’s do-or-die time. One.”
“C’mon!” I begged, “That’s not even fair!”
“Two.”
“Luuunaaaa~!” I whimpered with all my might, “I suck at magic! There’s no way I’ll be able to cast it!”
My pleas fell on deaf, trollish ears. “Three.”
“Wait… This is all just your plan to watch me suffer for a week!” I shoved an accusing hoof in her face.
“Four,” she continued, a smirk slowly sliding up the left side of her face, utterly unperturbed by my hoof invading her personal space.
“AGH! You’re EVIL! You’re so evil, I’m going to write a song about you!” I roared in defiance.
“Five.”
“You’re an evil enchantress and you do evil dances!” I did the dance, too! “And if they look into your eyes, you’ll put them in trances!”
“Six,” she replied, undaunted.
“YOU THREW OFF MY GROOVE!” I might have been getting desperate.
“Seven.”
“Ahhh… Ahh!” This is where sincere panic began to finally settle in. “FINE! JUST STOP COUNTING, I’LL DO IT!”
“Lenience denied.” Her voice was so calm. So pleasant. And @#%*ing evil. “Cast the spell. Eight.”
“B-But!” I stared down at the book. Patty Cake. It was all her fault. God damn it, I would not let her be the death of me.
“Last chance. Give it a shot or suffer slowly at the hooves of Lucky’s aura of entropy,” she reminded me, “Nine.”
“AAAGH!!!” I reared up and slammed my hooves down around the book. I’d seen Luna cast this spell at least twenty times over the past several days and I had yet to even toast a piece of paper. But I was not going to spend another day chained to Lucky, much less a week. That just wasn’t going to happen. Period. I would be taking a flying leap off a high diving board into an empty pool before that happened. So this was it. Me. Or Patty Cake.
I won.
This was quite literally the most rewarding lesson ever. Seriously, the laws of magic are so frick’n numerous and contradictory that only brain-tanks like Twilight Sparkle are able to memorize them all and apply them with theory alone. I am not that intelligent. Sure, I may have decent judgment, but that means nothing when I need to open a book and use the information within to build… Well, anything, really. However, Luna’s old enough to know that there is more than one way to skin a cat and teach a pony for that matter.
When I first asked Luna the science behind it, she told me that I would never actually be able to keep it all straight; specifically that the academic path was beyond me. That really irked me, to be honest. I mean, she all but said that I was too stupid to learn magic in a traditional sense. Instead, I would be learning the ‘artistic’ way. I call it that because the only way she was able to make a comparison was learning how to draw. You first start out unable to curve your lines just right and because of this, you pretty much suck at it. But then you practice and you practice and you keep practicing and before you know it, the same hand that refused to do exactly what you told it to do is suddenly obeying you.
Anyway, back to the dreaded countdown. Hmm. How shall I describe this? Well, try this on for size: Eat four crackers without any water before, in between, or after. And then grab a peanut butter sandwich on white bread with no jelly and cram that down as fast as you can. You (probably) won’t choke to death (Actually, don’t try this…), but it’s going to get a lot worse before it gets any better. Now imagine trying to do that with your brain. It’s like seeing and hearing way too many things at once and neither covering your ears nor closing your eyes is going to help. That’s what happened for about ten seconds straight. I wasn’t even able to perceive what was going on around me until Luna finally tapped my shoulder with a hoof. I startled a tad before blinking and looking at her with was likely the most dumbfounded expression I’ve ever had.
The smirk on her face grew a little bigger as I realized that I suddenly had access to everything there was to know about cooking with hay. I didn’t ‘know it’ per se, but I could ‘open’ the book within my mind and reference everything as though I had committed a picture of every last page to memory. If I had not been so overwhelmed I would have dropped an awesome line, like… I dunno… ‘I know Cook-Fu’ or something clever like that.
“Faith, focus, conviction and imagination.” She tapped her hoof on the ground for each word she cited (which made me think of that stupid counting donkey). “Those are the four legs upon which unicorn magic stands. Do you understand why the spell worked this time?”
I shook my head, staring down back at the small pile of ashes that had once been a cook book.
“In the past, what were you lacking?”
I started to answer, but I instead found myself chuckling. The magic found my lack of faith disturbing. I guess I should be glad it didn’t attempt to choke me to death or something.
“What’s so funny?”
“Nothing,” I replied before facehoofing and giving her a nod. “Lack of faith, right?”
“Exactly. I didn’t give you time to truly contemplate just how futile this last attempt would be, so it worked,” she smiled before returning my nod with one of her own. “Congratulations. You’ve graduated Luna’s Magic School. And you only cried once!”
“I did not c-… Wait, what?” I tilted my head in shock. “That’s it? We’ve only been at this… what, two weeks?”
“Yup. That was the final test. You passed!” she said with faux excitement before casting a silly little cap and gown on me. “I’ve never been so proud! My first magic student graduated in record time.”
She then gasped teasingly, holding a hoof over her mouth, “My goodness! That means you’re a prodigy! Wow, I’m good.”
“I don’t get it! I can’t even pick up an egg without breaking it!”
Luna suddenly glared at me before conjuring a thin wooden ruler and breaking it over my head.
“AGH! What the hell, Luna!” I cried, rubbing the offended spot as I glared at her.
“Faith, focus, conviction, and imagination, my former pupil,” she growled before pointing at the pile of ashes yet again. “That spell was one of the most difficult spells I could have made you cast. Not only were the effects lacking a physical display, but you had never cast a spell that affected the mind before in your entire life. Do you know what that means? That means you can cast anything easier than that. You just have to have the faith. That’s all you were lacking, my silly little grasshopper. If that was a nine point four on a difficulty scale of one to ten, then a nine point three is well within your grasp. And every time you say the word can’t, you are only making it harder on yourself.”
I continued to rub the newly-formed welt on the back of my head before glancing back down at the pile of ash. Without meaning to, I began to wonder aloud.
“But what can I cast then?”
“I can’t tell you that, silly. That would prevent you from using your imagination,” she trotted up beside me and mussed the front of my mane. “Try to stick with what you know and branch out from there.”
I poked out my bottom lip and thought on that for a bit before being struck with a random idea.
“I already do lots of fire!” I exclaimed excitedly before looking at Luna, “Watch this! Fire-breathing pony!”
I think she facehoofed, but I wasn’t paying close attention. “No, you can’t ac-…”
And then I roared out a wave of fire that had to be at least a good twenty feet long. My reaction? Hop around like a maniac before squealing in delight and hugging Luna’s neck excitedly.
“I’M A PYRO PONY!” I shrieked as I continued to hop whilst continuing to be attached to the silly night pony.
“You’re a freak of nature is what you are,” she replied before covering her mouth for a yawn. “And that’s my bedtime. Be sure to tell Tia that you mastered magic faster than her beloved Twilight Sparkle.”
“I think I’d rather be chained to Lucky for a week,” I replied, detaching myself from her before turning to watch her depart. “Sweet dreams, Princess.”
“Don’t call me that,” she quipped as she waved a wing in farewell. “and put that bench back.”
Yeah, I stole a bench from the courtyard and dragged it to the garden because, strangely enough, the warm air combined with the shade of the trees was, without a doubt, the most comfortable place to crash. It was stuffy as hell at night, but there was an awesome breeze during the day and one could just fall asleep standing straight up.
And no, I wasn’t going to put it back.
* * *
Well, the following night was pretty damned crazy if you ask me. I had slept through most of the day (because my stupid phone alarm won’t wake me up unless I leave it out in the open), successfully made my first Equestrian cheese pizza (I thought Cookie was going to explode in jealousy when Celestia commented on the tastiness of it), burned a map of Canterlot into my brain for navigational purposes, and squee’d at Lyra and Bon Bon (both of whom I’ll forgive for calling the guards on me). I hadn’t seen Luna, yet. Not that I was crazy to butt heads with her that night. It had been all fun and games so far, but today was the day when Luna got her turn in the education trade. And she was not going to like being told ‘no’ when she asked some of the questions I was expecting to inevitably come up. Still, I was going to be fat, happy, and sassy until that moment arrived.
“My little pony~! My little pony~! Ahhh~ Ahhh~ Ahhh~ Ahhh~!” I sang as I bounced around the Royal Canterlot Kitchen of Ponyness (Name Not Yet Official (But it will be)) . “D’ya know you’re all my very best frieeennnds~!”
Winter was fast on approach and I was high on illegal amounts of happy. I’d been in Equestria for all of half a month and becoming homesick wasn’t even starting to possibly be a problem in the foreseeable future. I mean, I don’t hate my life back where I’m from, but I was digging the magical world of friendship. I had yet to get my cutie-mark, unfortunately, but that’s okay. I had magic. And the know-how to make tea. And the capacity to combine the two into a practice exercise. And the capacity to GEEK THE HELL OUT.
“Why do you sing so much?” Starlight asked me from her perch atop the new china shelf as I continued with the making of my tea by setting the teapot atop my hoof. Much to the happiness of my inner-squee (AKA Lafter), using magic was getting easier. I mean, I didn’t even have to try hard for it to turn red like a stove-iron. Hot Hoof Magic~! You are so awesome~!
Luna had given me unlimited access to the kitchen, provided I only used magic whenever I wanted to make anything. That had really cut into my snacking for nearly ten days straight, but now I was getting pretty dang good at whippin’ those ingredients around.
“Singing is good for the soul, my violent blue friend!” I replied cheerfully as I continued steeping the bag of tea, separately using a spoon to gently stir the ever-darkening water.
“Right.” She sighed, bored as usual.
Starlight was second-in-command of the Sky Archons. As such, she was trusted with the night as the Captain, named Storm Wing, took care of the day. Whereas this ‘Storm Wing’ was Celestia’s go-to pony, Starlight served directly under Luna. You would think that would mean that both Luna and Starlight would, at the very least, come to an agreement to have a professional standard to which they adhered in an effort to make working with one another a neutral experience at worst. Such was not the case. Fact was they couldn’t stand one another. Both of them were intelligent, stubborn, competent, and very opinionated. That last one wouldn’t be a problem if they shared an opinion or two. Safe to say, they do not. However, being that literally only one out of every fifty ponies stays up past ten at night, there isn’t a wide variety of neighbors to chillax with. Me? I can stay up twenty-four hours straight before losing consciousness, so I’m all over the place, any time, day or night. And since Starlight would rather talk to anyone but Luna, she hangs around me when I’m not having magic lessons. Even if she finds me incredibly annoying.
“You should sing!” I exclaimed as I made her a cup of her own. “One lump or two, Miss Killer?”
Starlight decided she felt like being a fussybritches. “I don’t drink tea. Tea is for little fillies. So is singing. I think that makes you a little filly, No-Name.”
No-Name was pretty much my adopted moniker because nobody would give me a good pony name. Luna tried a few ideas, but they all sucked hard enough to strip the paint off your bathroom walls. The only reason I liked No-Name was because it was close to Anon-Pony and fairly unique. The only pony that didn’t like it was Celestia, and even she’d slipped a few times (not that she would ever admit to it).
“Yeah, well, your face is a little filly, so let us fill it with tea and song,” I counter-grumped, putting two lumps into her cup and floating it her way. “Enjoy or suffer. Your call.”
She grumped a bit more, glaring at the cup before reluctantly taking hold of it and snagging a sip. I make awesome tea, okay? It breaks your will and forces you to drink it. It suffers no intolerance to pass.
“I’m only drinking this because I don’t like to waste,” she said with a ghost of a smile.
“You’re so noble.” I stuck my tongue out at her before moving to the closest window and lighting up with my tea in hoof. “So, Starlight, were you part of the Sky Archons when Nightmare Moon attacked Equestria last year?”
“Yes, indeed,” she answered, giving her wing a flap to create a breeze that helped to push my cigarette smoke outside.
Sky Archons, I’ve come to discover, are pretty much the pony equivalent of America’s Marines or Russian Spetsnaz. Straight up. They are always pegasi, and are comparable to Wonderbolts on crack. They’ve special weather-control training that borders on the WMD scale when working in cohesion with one another. Once, I saw them make a tornado. It was big. I was frightened. I hid behind Luna. I feel no shame. From what I understand, not even Celestia and Luna are as combat capable as these guys. That in mind, I just had to know one thing…
“Where were the Sky Archons when that happened?” I asked, turning a curious stare her way.
Starlight’s eyes rolled so hard that they ran the risk of popping out of her head. Also, I exaggerate. Seriously, though, I can tell that she did not appreciate the question, but only because of the answer.
“Sitting on our flanks in Canterlot; that’s where.” Her words were dripping with venom, as though she still felt insulted by the situation. “Princess Celestia ordered us to do nothing.”
I blinked before tilting my head to the side and taking a drag off my cigarette. “For real?”
“Mmmhmm.” she answered as she slurped the rest of her tea. “Told us that there was nothing we could do to help and that we might even make things worse. Well, she worded it more nicely than that, of course. But that’s the gist of what she told us.”
I whistled throughout my exhale. If the rest of the Sky Archons had half the pride that Starlight walked with, then I could only imagine that they were pretty flank-flustered about that.
“Must have been a hard pill to swallow,” I commented flatly, not wanting to show any bias for or against Starlight’s viewpoint.
“We weren’t happy, but orders are orders,” she sighed before hopping off the shelf and giving her wings a stretch. “Ahhh~! Not that we did so without question. Well, mostly, anyway.”
“Mostly, eh? I take it you guys weren’t happy about relying on a bunch of teenagers to save the day? I mean, a lot of the obstacles that the Bearers of the Elements faced would have been a lot more easily overcome if just you were there.”
She nodded as she poured herself another cup of tea. “I still hate this stuff, just in case you forgot.”
“Right, I can see the disgust in your eyes whenever you chug it down.” I nodded with a chuckle. “So, I take it not everypony obeyed.”
“Oh, we all obeyed. But the Captain was so angry he could’ve whipped up a hurricane on his own. Him and Celestia weren’t far from having it out,” she said with a humorless chuckle before blinking and turning giving me a suspicious glance. “How do you know about all this, anyway?”
Oops. Yeah, the ponies still didn’t know about the show. I’d already unsettled Luna and Celestia with my bizarre knowledge of events, not to mention Twilight Sparkle. Big surprise, my mouth will oftentimes move faster than my brain. I gave a chuckle that was convincing enough to not betray my sudden nervousness as I spat out the first reasonable thing I could think of.
“Oh, um… Luna told me about it!”
“I must not have been there for that,” Luna’s voice piped in from the window I was leaning on.
“Eeep!” I shrieked at the unexpected interruption, jumping away from the window. To my surprise, there was nothing out there.
“I thought I smelled delinquent royalty nearby,” Starlight murmured as the light in front of me twisted and warped until it took on the shape of a pony. It eventually defined into the likeness of Luna, smirk and everything.
“Then next time, warn a guy!” I hollered at Starlight, before going to take a sip of my tea and realizing it was empty, having spilled it onto the floor when I got startled. I looked at the puddle, then into the cup, back at the puddle, then finally at Luna. She was trying to hold in the scornful laughter and that did wonders for helping me maintain a balanced level of chi.
It wasn’t until I put a hoof to her nose and gently pushed her out of the window that she started laughing. Very slowly, very deliberately, I shut the window, all without ever taking my eyes off her. That’s a good way to help communicate a copious amount of anger, you see.
“I’m sorry, we don’t accept jerks in the royal kitchen, princesses or not,” I informed her as I locked the window with a bit of magic before taking a deep breath and realizing my cigarette was still lit. Which meant I had to open the window back up (I’m so courteous!). I very seriously considered blowing smoke in her face, but decided against it. Mostly due to Stoic grabbing me by the ear and pulling me away before I could commit.
“What do you want?” I huffed.
She inhaled to speak but Stoic decided that it would be a good idea to give her some shut-up juice first. I agreed. So we slammed the window shut before she could get the first syllable out. Starlight found this to be incredibly amusing. I don’t blame her. If it was half as funny to her as it was to me, I’d be laughing, too. Which isn’t to say I wasn’t, mind you. Laughing, that is.
Luna then opened the window, took my cigarette and made it disappear. That made me a little sad, but I saw for it the petty act that it was. She was flankhurt. I was amused. And that’s the important thing here, boys and girls. Tee-hee~!
“What I want,” she calmly stated as she leaned up on the window, setting her chin on her up-propped hoof before continuing, “is for you to tell the truth. Because I don’t remember telling you anything about what happened at last year’s Summer Solstice. Probably something to do with the fact that I purposefully didn’t bring that up. I mean, who wants to talk about getting shown up by a handful of fillies and the ‘magic of friendship’, after all?”
Boy, were my cheeks red or what. I’d been caught red hooft’d… or something.
“Ah, hell,” I sighed before facehoofing and letting my shoulders sag a bit. “Okay, fine. Easiest way to explain this. Err… I… uh… I wasn’t there, exactly, but um… I saw the whole thing. Well, most of it, anyway.”
Luna’s expression remained blank and for several seconds, nothing was said. She finally let her eyes drift over towards the Sky Archon.
“Commander Starlight, could you give us some space?”
Starlight didn’t like being dismissed, but she wasn’t about to disobey a direct order from Luna, even if they weren’t especially fond of one another. She sighed and gave a somewhat informal bow before turning to leave. So then we stood there. Together. In silence. It was some kind of awkward, being under the scrutiny of a stuffy, mean pony princess.
“So, um,” I coughed, looking around nervously, “How’s your night?”
“Fairly boring, but I’m anticipating that it will become much more engaging quite soon,” she replied with a humorless laugh. “Walk with me, No-Name. It’s time we had a talk.”
Ironically enough, we didn’t talk at all as we stepped back out into the Royal Canterlotian Animal Garden (Unofficial name) where the spider monkeys decided they didn’t enjoy our presence. They decided to screech at us for the intrusion as they did every night that we showed up before midnight. Luna threw a few pears at them to scare them off for what was probably the tenth time since I’d been here. She’s pretty blah about animals, actually. So unprincess.
“One day, those monkeys are going to revolt,” I ominously warned, “That will be the day when you find yourself with your back to the wall and thinking to yourself… ‘That damn human was right again!’ And then the ninja will steal your fish. And you will be sad.”
“The surface of the sun will freeze before I let such horrific events take place,” she overdramatically stated with an overly dramatic hair flip.
She then turned to me and narrowed her eyes somewhat. “Now, the first question should be rather easily answered. What are you so afraid to tell me?”
“Where do I start?” I chuckled before looking about the garden for the bench. “I can’t rightly tell you without telling you, but I don’t want to not try. Hmmm, well, how about this: Why don’t we delve into something enjoyable with a wide variety of flavors to choose from? That way, we can slowly move into deeper and deeper waters until one of us backs out like a scared little filly.”
She mulled that over as I continued to scratch my head. I did something with that stupid bench and for some reason, I could not remember just where I had left it. Luna started to comment on my proposition but was infected by my distracted demeanor.
“What… are you looking for?” she began to glance about as well. As though she would succeed in finding a bench that I was actively seeking that she was not. Mares don’t make any sense.
“The b… Oh!” I glanced at Luna and quickly remembered that I had hid it behind some bushes to keep her from finding it later and putting it back where she deemed was its proper place.
I pranced over to the aforementioned bush, locating the desired furniture exactly where I had left it. I grabbed it with my teeth and began dragging it out, which almost immediately incited Luna’s ire.
“I thought I told you to put that back where you found it.”
Apparently, Starlight wasn’t the only fussybritches today.
“Oh hush!” I growled through my clenched teeth as I finally moved the bench into a good spot. Just on the edge of the tree cover; Where the dew wouldn’t pile down onto a pony, but would still be brisk enough to take the edge off the warm, humid air. “I’m no citizen of Equestria. Ya can’t boss me around, Fussyfeathers. Besides, we need something to chill out on whilst we take care of your education. First order of business! Play some video games! We’ll start on something pretty harmless and that should give you plenty of questions for me to answer for tonight.”
I sat down onto the unreasonably comfortable, wooden bench and whipped out my phone. Luna’s irritation was overwhelmed by her eagerness to start and rather than rev up her righteous indignation motor, she instead hopped up onto the bench with me. She peered into the phone with big turquoise eyes that wanted nothing but to see what nopony before her had ever seen.
“‘What’ games?” she tilted her head in confusion.
That’s when things got crazy. We busted out the universal smartphone-game. The most infuriating concept to ever grace the mobile platform: Angry Birds. Thank whatever divine power is out there that my phone had infinite power, because after her first red bird scream, she was hooked. Badly. And it was so sweet to watch her fail, too. Because karma’s a bitch, okay? Straight up. Poetic justice and a half. She couldn’t use her magic at all, and that was her biggest weakness. Eventually, she got too frustrated, and I decided to bend my rules a little by showing her the magic of Google. More specifically, I was showing her everything that she could learn by way of using a powerful search engine. I did my best to keep her searching safely, not wanting her to see anything bad.
It gets worse. I think the most shocking thing was that Luna hated cat videos. She found them utterly lacking in substance. She did, however, love the ‘Friendship Is Magic, Bitch’ Youtube movie. Oh man. She had tears rolling down her face she was laughing so hard. If she had not been actively using the phone, I would have recorded that and put it on Youtube because I can’t stress to you just how much she loved that thing. I mean, I was scared to death when I clicked on it. I was able to steer her away from the actual show, but when she saw the thumbnail of Celestia cackling into a foreground of fire, she was adamant that we check it out. I mean, I was thinking that it would offend her, but she explained afterwards how it was something of a parody of bad days.
I didn’t get it at first, but she was actually stuttering a little as though she were embarrassed by finding the levity in it. She kept trying to explain how it was a bizarre humor that she found incredibly amusing, even if most ponies would be horrified by it. Then it clicked. Luna liked darker humor; especially the clever or intelligently random. And that totally fit with the psychological profile of a person (or pony) using humor as a coping mechanism. It was a classic side effect, really. If you take solace in the more sinister humors, you won’t often be bothered sinister events.
Anyway, the night blew by fairly quickly. Youtube videos have a tendency to do that, after all. We were a good thirty-percent of the way through Red Vs. Blue when I actually nodded off. I think I was only out for twenty minutes or so, but when I came to, I realized that Luna had taken it upon herself to do some unsupervised web surfing. I think she must have been digging through my Youtube history because when I awoke, she was already ten minutes into the first episode of season one. Yeah, that episode. That season.
“I know you. You’re the Mare in the Moon; Nightmare Moon!” Twilight Sparkle quoted through my phone.
“WOAH!” I was suddenly very awake and very panicky. I snatched that phone out from in front of her and immediately powered it off.
She didn’t bother getting upset about me taking the phone. She just moved straight to glaring at me askance.
“What was that?” she kept her voice level but her suspicion was certainly putting her on edge.
“Look, it’s really hard to explain. I mean, I know it looks really strange, creepy, and downright surreal.”
“Well, why don’t you give it the old college try,” she growled, “and we’ll see just how much of an effect that’ll have on my disposition.”
Panic. Panic. Panic. THOUGHT! “Um… Well… What did it look like to you?”
“It looks like humans have somehow been watching Equestria. Incredibly closely and have somehow managed to avoid being noticed while doing so.”
“Well, that’s… actually exactly what’s going on here,” I admitted, letting a bit of relief wash over me. I was afraid she had jumped to a much worse conclusion. “Um… It’s not as bad as it seems, though.”
My relief must not have gone unnoticed, seeing as she also eased somewhat before speaking, “I’m listening.”
“Okay, okay. Lemme light up, this is going to take a while,” I stated as I retrieved myself a delicious smoky treat. I cantered over to the bench and hopped up on it, planting my butt down onto my stolen sanded furniture and lighting the cigarette with a bit of magic. “Okay, first things first: Believe me when I say, I don’t know what the connection between our worlds is, or if there even is one. But… This is… sorta… You know the video I just showed you the tyrant Celestia?”
“Mmmhmm.” She nodded before giving her horn a quick wave to summon up a dark cloud.
I hesitated for a few seconds. I was caught between fabricating a lie and coming out with the truth. Both my inner halves were at a loss for what to do, but the one thing we agreed on was that if Luna caught me in a lie, there would be beatings. Beatings as far as the eye can see. And I’ll be honest with you; regardless of the consequences, I kinda respect Luna too much to feed her anything but the truth. I mean, yeah, we may habitually abuse one another, but whatever, right? Luna has always played it straight with me as far as I know, so really there wasn’t any reason I shouldn’t do the same for her.
“That video was made by a human because he wanted to provide some entertainment for other people. And maybe show off a bit, who knows. And that’s… That’s sort’ve… the same thing.” I gestured out towards the entirety of Canterlot. “This world is like… Something humans watch for… Well, for entertainment.”
She arched an eyebrow would have made Spock proud. “How?”
“Hell if I know,” I replied, giving her a helpless shrug.
Well, she sure as hell didn’t like that answer! “Right. Starlight!”
“Luna, I’m not shitting you!” I hissed, looking about frantically for the inevitable face-grinding tackle. I’m scared of Sky Archons, okay? They find new and inventive ways to cause you pain. “Why do you think I’m so crazy about being here!? Because I’m living inside one of the coolest worlds I’ve ever seen!”
“You honestly expect me to believe that?” she glowered at me. She must have thought that I was treating her as though she were an idiot. But I can’t help the truth, right?
“Luna! Look at this damn phone and everything I’ve been showing you!” I threw up my hooves in exasperation. I was starting to fear that there was nothing I could do to convince her. “I could show you hundreds of pictures of just you and you’ve only appeared in the first two episodes! Mostly as Nightmare Moon!”
Me and my big fat mouth. Technically, I got what I wanted in that she believed me, but she got all butthurt about not being a larger character in the show. I had to calm her down and explain the WHOLE thing, how the show was focused on the magic of friendship and how it was centered on the six Bearers of the Elements. Then she got even more agitated when she discovered that Celestia played a significant role. After that, I just started rubbing it in and called her ‘Princess Footnote’ which brought about the status quo of verbal sparring between us. Luna has some of the most interesting insults that you’ll ever hear. “Talentless, Horse-Hued Mouthbreather” was that particular day’s masterpiece. Wow.
It took us a good while to get it all out of our systems; I mean, we were yelling at one another for a solid twenty minutes, but it was silently agreed that there wasn’t a problem here. Or hell, maybe I was just being wishful. It eventually got back around to the phone and hammering out an agreement. I would trust her if she would trust me. Specifically, I would trust her to do a little surfing on the good ol’ Motorola Atrix 4G without me breathing down her neck and in return she would trust me enough to not jump to conclusions or throw me in the dungeon. No, I didn’t actually agree to this, Luna was actually bringing me a take-it-or-leave-it ultimatum. Not very polite of her, but I really couldn’t blame her. I mean, this looked really bad and for her to take me at my word was asking for a lot.
“Okay, the deal is I give you the phone during the day to mess around with until you pass out and you give me the phone during the night,” I reiterated for clarity’s sake.
“Mmmhmm.” She was so smug. So bitchy. Well, I was going to show her.
“You promise? You’re not going to alter the arrangement the moment you can’t figure something out, right? You can’t have me around to fix your problems and then send me away as soon as I got you back on track. All or nothing, right?” I gave her a suspicious glare.
“Yes, yes. Whatever,” she huffed before holding up a hoof. “I promise. Princess’ honor.”
“Right. Okay, Footnote. You’ve got yourself a deal.” I hopped off the bench and cantered over with a smile, holding out my hoof.
And then we brohoofed to seal the deal. I got a little dizzy from the giddiness that was surging forth within me. Squee-ness aside, Luna had made the mistake of underestimating me. I gave the western skies Equestria a glance and spotted the barest of pinkish glows tracing the horizon.
“Okay. Your first obstacle will be to figure out how to unlock the phone,” I knowingly informed her as I resummoned the device.
Dat look of shock.
“What?!” she cried before immediately slapping a hoof over her face and grunting in frustration. “You mean you… I should’ve… Augh!”
She almost immediately brought herself back to a perfect level of calm after taking a deep breath and letting it out through her nose.
“Fine. No, we’re going to work through this,” she told herself before casually brushing back her mane and holding out her hoof for the phone, “Hoof it over.”
I ‘hoofed it over’ as I let out the one hell of a yawn. “Welp! I’mma go lose consciousness for a few hours. I imagine you’ll probably stay up trying to fight with the security lock for a while. Try not to forget to set the moon before Tia gets up.”
She rolled her eyes before giving the phone a once over and letting out a dreadful sigh. “Yeah, yeah. I should probably get that done sooner rather than later, really.”
“Yeah, go work. Do celestial stuff. Keep the circle of life rolling,” I yawned tiredly before cantering back over to my stolen bench and flopping down onto it. I went to ask Luna if she could set me up a wake-up call spell or something. I didn’t want to miss everything due to being able to sometimes sleep anyway entire days at a time. When I rolled over to look at her, though, I found that she was already gone.
“Goodnight. Morning. Whatever,” I grunted tiredly before surrendering to the sweet, sweet embrace of slumber.
I am actually a restless sleeper. I roll, flop, kick, tuck, tumble, and dance in my sleep; or so I’m told. It’s not like I pay attention when I’m out like a light, right? All I know is that I fell off that stupid bench just as the sunlight fell onto my face. I cursed the bench for its inability to save me from such an unfair fate before grumpily fetching a Mareboro and pulling myself back onto my perch. I began to wonder what time it was after the first drag and started to reach for my phone, only to realize that I no longer had it in my possession. I actually started to go the irresponsible route of falling asleep with my smoke still lit before thinking about the phone and cheating Luna on the deal. My Lafter half kinda felt like I had been an ass in that regard. I mean, yeah, she was kinda being a bitch by twisting my arm like that, but she had also been happy enough to uphold her end of the bargain. Stoic reminded me, though, that while it may have been pretty low, the results had been worth it. And it wasn’t like I wasn’t going to show her lots of cool stuff during the night anyway, right? Right.
* * *
~Of all the humans I could have chosen to represent my interests, I had to choose you! You are, without a doubt, the most incompetent, immature, short-sighted dumbass I have ever had to deal with!~
Oh great, even Stupid Bird is here.
“Tissy, go away,” I groaned irritably.
She materialized on the rail of the bench and began yelling at volumes that were not fit for a creature her size. I wasn’t listening to her at first. I mean, it had been half a month since I’d heard from the damn thing and that just wasn’t long enough in my opinion. It wasn’t until she’d said something about the consequences of my actions that I remembered the dragon-sized migraine that had been inflicted upon my innocent, if somewhat underdeveloped brain that night on Twilight’s balcony. There was only one fowl that would answers concerning that.
“Hey!” I snapped as I sat up, “What the hell was that brain pain back in Ponyville?!”
“You have more important matters to attend to, you idiot!” she snapped, pointing a wing in my face and ruffling her blue feathers in frustration.
I lowered my head and narrowed my eyes as I met Tissiphone face-to-face. I took a drag off my cigarette and exhaled through my nose, keeping my eyes locked on her.
“Tiss. You’ve got five seconds, starting now, to explain what you did to me. ¿Comprende?” I snarled as I leaned in a little.
“Perhaps you did not hear me the first time, you dolt,” she quipped right back, her voice and demeanor unaffected by my hostility. “But I said you have more important matters to attend to! Such as your precious Night Princess.”
And just like that, all the hostility within me evaporated. I quickly sat back up and blinked as I tried to think of what could possibly threaten Luna.
“What…” I started to ask.
“Why don’t you find out on your own rather than delay yourself by asking me questions,” she preempted with a roll of her birdy eyes. “I’ll come for your apology later, should you make it in time. You might not make it even now.”
“SHIT!” I jumped up, spoiling the pure pony air with my profanity, “LUNA?!”
Well, as much as Tissy annoys the shit out of me, I wasn’t about to risk Luna coming to harm just to get the last word. I’m only that petty when it’s me or something of mine on the line. Jumping off my special stolen bench, I felt the panic set in as I broke off into a gallop for the entrance into the palace. I knew the castle pretty well by now so I had no difficulty navigating my way through the vast corridors and winding staircases (Seriously, there’s not a straight staircase in the entire castle unless it’s just to elevate some part of the room - That’s stupid, by the way). I kept shouting Luna’s name as I approached the only wing of the castle that sported indigo marble rather than the traditional black, white, and gold motifs. As I turned down the corridor (it was more of a sliding crash, really), I saw two Sky Archons standing in front of her door. That right there was a dead giveaway that something was wrong. Luna hated formalities such as being guarded.
“Stop!” the female on the right shouted. Her voice was stern and carried strength. Her eyes, coat, tail, and mane were all silver, varying only in brilliance.
The other was royal purple in color with a neatly cropped gold mane. He narrowed his sky-blue eyes at me and moved to stand in my way. I did not feel confident about trying to smash into a Sky Archon, but I’ll shamefully admit that I had sorta entered sheep mode. See, this is what happens when I stop being funny. I’m either too furious to think straight, or I’m panicking.
“Don’t do it, buddy,” said Mister Goldy as I closed in.
Well, all my panicky brain was able to ascertain at the moment was that Mister Goldmane and Miss Silverflank were standing in between me and someone I cared about. Naturally, base reaction was to get said obstacle out of the way. Ergo, I had to get them to move. That was surprisingly easy. Just breathe fire in front of me as I closed the gap.
“Ack!” cried the blonde stallion as both he and his companion flung themselves out of the way. I didn’t even bother with grabbing the latch on the door, I just smashed into that sucker. I think I’d unintentionally employed some magic in knocking that thing open, because looking back, there was no way I should have been able to do that. I mean, it had to be ten feet tall and just as thick as the library door that had blocked those guards my first night in Canterlot.
“Luna!” I gasped, rather thoroughly winded by the time I’d made it inside. I don’t even really remember what Luna’s room looked like, I was too busy trying to locate the source of danger. She was standing in the middle of the room, wide awake. I was somewhat relieved until I realized she wasn’t reacting to my presence. Instead, she was just staring at the phone. Not just staring at it, but taking it in. Her horn was glowing and her body was tense. It was then I realized what she was doing.
And then BAM! Tackled by Archons! Jesus, they are some kind of strong. I kinda just crumpled under them like tin foil as they restrained me in record time. That isn’t very hard to do to a unicorn already on the ground, actually. You just step on their horns and apply a little pressure, which is what Goldilocks did. And man, that’s the ‘I Win’ button against unicorns. I mean, holy shit, that hurts almost as much as a Roshambo.
“NO, STOP HER!” I screamed at them in pain and desperation, frantically begging them to stop Luna from making an incredibly huge mistake. “SHE DOESN’T KNOW WHAT SHE’S DOING!”
“I have to know,” Luna murmured as her horn beginning to glow all the brighter. “I’m going to get the truth. No matter what it takes.”
“Archons!” My hero! Starlight’s voice dwarfed all other commotion in the room and even distracted Luna for a moment. “What’s going on here, Silverheart?”
I could see a timid-looking Lucky hiding behind Starlight who looked like she’d just been unhappily pulled from bed to handle an immediate crisis. She wasn’t wearing her armor or anything.
“Commander, this unicor-…” the (surprise!) silver Archon started to explain, .
“Starlight!” I pleaded, “Stop Luna, she’s about to do something incredibly dangerous!”
Hoo boy, I could already tell she wasn’t going to do it. The conflict was there on her face and the fear was in her eyes, but when she looked at the princess, I could tell the resolve just wasn’t there.
“Commander Starlight.” Luna lifted her eyes from the book to glance at her. “I would like to be alone. Please escort our friend to his pilfered bench in the castle gardens and make sure he stays there.”
And then defiance kicked in. Maybe Starlight was feeling cranky and wanted to be a pain in Luna’s ass, or maybe it was the way Luna was ordering her to basically get out of the way, but whatever the case, Starlight didn’t feel like cooperating.
“Apologies, Princess, but I can’t do that in good faith,” answered the dark-blue Archon, “Lucky, go intercept the Captain, he should be getting ready to leave for First Responder Patrol with Snowfall. Whirlwind, interrupt whatever Celestia is doing and tell her we have an emergency here. Silverheart, don’t let him up just yet.”
Lucky and the purple Archon that I was able to determine as Whirlwind departed as quickly as they could. I’ll admit, I was a little surprised that they did not hesitate in the slightest.
Luna shut her eyes and breathed in sharply, as though trying to force herself to remain patient. “Commander Sta-…”
“Oh, stow it, Luna!” Starlight snapped, surprising us all with her incensed attitude, “I don’t know what’s going on here, but I don’t trust either of you farther than I can buck you. So I’m putting a hold on this until somepony with better judgment than I can decide what to do. In essence, you don’t move; you don’t cast; you just sit there, be pretty, and be quiet. Understand?”
Who’s a badass filly? That would be Starlight. Just saying.
I looked back into the room to see Luna still staring hard at the phone. I don’t know if she had already decided not to go through with it or not, but with the situation now under control, I was able to calm down a bit. Not to mention I was able to think a hell of a lot more clearly without Whirlwind grinding my horn into the floor.
“Please, Luna,” I murmured, turning my head to face her more. “It’s not worth it. Yes, that device holds vast amounts of knowledge, but the price is not something you want to pay.”
Surprisingly, Starlight did not rebuke me. Looking back, I think she was actually on my side in this ordeal, she just couldn’t outright say she was if she wanted to keep her position. She was definitely risking it already with having yelled at a princess, but she could justify that by way of answering the call of duty.
Luna looked at me, conflict apparent in her eyes.
I sighed softly, slumping a bit, “Remember last night? What I showed you wasn’t bad at all, right? I know it must be frustrating for things to go so slowly, but what you’re thinking of doing could hurt you.”
“I know,” she replied, turning her gaze back to the phone, “But I have to know. And you don’t want to show me everything. And even if you did, there’s just no way to know for sure. I just… I want to know now.”
Then the big guns rolled in.
“What’s wrong?” Celestia’s voice prevented me from responding right away. “What’s happened here? Silverheart, release him at once.”
Silverheart glanced back and forth between Starlight and Celestia, uncertain if she should obey Celestia’s hasty order.
“That isn’t what I would classify ‘at once’ as, Lieutenant,” she gently pointed out, the barest hint of terseness on the edge of her voice.
Silverheart hesitated only a moment longer before hopping off of me. I don’t blame her; even I was shocked to hear that from the Sun Princess. Why the hell did Celestia trust me so much? I’ve not a clue. There’s no way anyone could convince me that Celestia was just being arbitrary or stupid. She had her reasons, of that there’s no doubt.
“Now, No-Name.” She fixed her eyes upon mine as she spoke, “Tell me honestly. What is happening here?”
All attention was on me and I was feeling a little nervous. Just as I opened my mouth to begin explaining, my stupid morning alarm went off. The same one that seems to spectacularly fail to wake me up. Well, that pretty much dispelled all of Luna’s desire to deliberate any longer. Before any of us could reasonably react, she reared up and slammed her hooves down as her eyes flared bright white. My poor Motorola Atrix 4G (all six-hundred dollars of it) went up in flames as she absorbed it and everything it had access to. The amount of magic she’d cranked out to get it done was incredible. I mean so much was focused onto that device that it distorted the colors around it. I know this won’t mean much to you, but I’ll try to put it into perspective by saying that a spell that literally had no display other than a bit of fire was distorting everything around it. You could use half the power required to do that to, oh, I don’t know… power an aircraft carrier? No, that’s not an exaggeration.
The ensuing explosion was caused by Luna failing to completely contain the following dispersion (magic still has to go somewhere after you’re done using it, after all). Don’t get me wrong, I’m still floored she didn’t vaporize half the castle. The fact that she was able to limit it to just knocking everypony back to the closest wall spoke volumes of just how talented she was.
Now, I don’t know precisely what happened next, but what I think happened was I got shielded from the blast by either Luna or Celestia, or hell, maybe even Tissy. Whatever the case, wherever it came from, I was the only one that wasn’t punted away like a ragdoll. Even Luna was knocked back through her bedroom window and my immediate (some would call it idiotic instead) reaction was to dash right after her. I don’t even know how I was able to get there so fast, or how I was able to catch hold of her. I just know that I did.
Now, don’t get me wrong here. I don’t like to make a habit of defenestrating myself. In fact, I find it downright silly, even in a cartoon world (yes, I know I considered it my first night in Canterlot – We shall avoid mentioning that ever again). For some damn reason, though, that did not stop me from doing what I just did and now I was suddenly plummeting to the ground with a trembling Luna in my hooves. Further stupidity compelled me to twist us around so that I take the fall. Christ, even I can’t believe I did that.
I will never do this ever again, I whimpered inwardly just before smacking into the ground.
“Luna,” I wheezed as waves of agony wracked me from horn to tail. It was only two or three stories, but damn did it hurt like a mother. “G… Gonna kill you… Just a… Just a heads up.”
Luna began to stutter something as she shakily rolled off of me and brought herself to a slightly unstable stand. I groaned pitifully, not nearly as quick to get up as her thanks to her less-than-successful attempt at flight. She continued to shake for several seconds before looking back down at me. I started to ask her if she was okay but she had other plans that did not involve sticking around. She suddenly broke off into an unsteady gallop towards the castle courtyard. Out of pure determination, I somehow forced myself to get up after a frustrated whine and chase after her. I was calling at her, but she either wasn’t listening or was just too far gone to care. I was hoping and praying that it wasn’t the latter.
The chase didn’t last long, though. It got as far as the main street in Canterlot before it came to an abrupt end. Not because I caught her. Heavens, no, it couldn’t be that easy. Remember when Starlight told Lucky to go get some jackpony named Captain Storm Wing? Remember also when Celestia said that only a select few of her oldest guards were combat worthy? Remember that one electric pegasus from the show that served as Celestia’s right hand pony by beating the everliving hell out of anything that opposed her will? Oh, you don’t remember that last part? No? That’s because he wasn’t in the show! BECAUSE THIS GUY IS TOO FREAKIN’ SCARY FOR CHILDREN! Seriously! We’re talking the Sword of Celestia in the form of pony!
I saw a bluish streak approach like lightning out of the corner of my eye. I would have looked at it if I had ANY reaction time whatsoever. Suffice it to say, I did not. I got tackled. It was like getting hit by a car, or so I can imagine. Now thinking back, I’m pretty sure cars don’t hit that hard. It wasn’t actually a tackle, even; it was more of a body check, like in hockey. Only I didn’t fall over. I flew over. Into a stonemason’s building. I stumbled out of the pony shaped dent and remembered turning to see a blurred bluish-white hoof smack right into my face.
Not sure how long I was out (THANKS TO NOT HAVING MY PHONE!), but let’s just say I didn’t need any more rest for the entire day. I would, however, end up needing quite the band-aid.
Also, screw Captain Storm Wing. (S.C.S.W.C. - 1)
-=-
This has been a fan-written story by CardsLafter - Follow me on DeviantArt to stay up to date with TTEOAP
Want more Firewall and Friends? Visit the fanmade Firewall Club at DeviantArt!
Questions, Comments, and Criticism may be directed to the EQD Blogpage
For other questions or more personal comments, email me at CardsLafter@gmail.com
My Little Pony and all characters involved are © of Hasbro and Lauren Faust
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Right when I hit the "Favorites " button. You magic man, you.
Grats on managing to release chapter 5! You still owe me 1 trillion oxygen atoms.
Boring.
Through the eyes update?
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1288670
Yep. My first words when i saw this updated just shy of me needing to go to bed. "Oh, FFFFFFFFFFFuck."
My mind is now:
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And now i don't care. Sleep is for the WEAK.
Will amend/edit when actually done reading.
Screw Captain Storm Wing
Wow indeed.
Oh hell yeah, we're keeping a count of these? Awesome!
I love how much more dramatic the phone incident was.
Ok... start time:11:19... There's school tommorow... I can do this.. I CAN DO THIS. *deep breath* Okay, Let's Rock
Edit- End time 11:55 I did it... OYus
"Screw Captain Storm Wing count: 1" made me laugh the hardest I have in a while.
Awesome rewrite of the chapter!
YET ANOTHER GLORIOUS ONE HAS UPDATED! THE GODS HAVE BLESSED US WITH THE RETURN OF THE THREE HOLY AUTHORS!
... She really should have at least tried duplicating the phone first, so she could try absorbing the phone without Firewall's knowledge (or no-name, if you don't like spoilers. Oops?)
You know, I read the original on EQD but I do indeed love this remake and I mean absolutely fucking love it!
images.wikia.com/animalcrossing/images/7/73/Applejack_eye_roll_so_much_win_by_fundz64-d4w4pd5.gif
Now in terms of what happened...
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So I took the whole family by surprise when I started giggling like a madman in the middle of washing dishes. I explained to them that Through The Eyes Of Another Pony had updated, but I don't think they quite understood it. No matter. They can remain unenlightened if they wish, but now I've got an excuse to reread the whole damn thing again.
Great chapter, as always. I'm a little confused by one part. Luna saw the Friendship is Magic Bitch video before seeing the show, but she just found it amusing. Why didn't she question why a parody of her sister was on human tech? It makes it strange when she flips out about watching the episodes.
Oh boy! The climax of this chapter has always been one of my favorite parts of this story. Also, I'm torn on the inclusion of the SCSWC in the text itself. Ah, well, your story, not mine.
1289234
If you see the Friendship is Magic, Bitch video, you know it's a cartoon just by the animation. She's been around Firewall enough to know that he has some knowledge revolving around ponies that didn't come from Equestria.
If you seem, however, a perfect reenactment of your past, down to the point where it might as well be a documentary... Well, that's something else entirely.
Screw Captain Atorm Wing
If we're gonna do a counter for every SCSW we also need to do a Firewall owned counter. It will be glorious.
Screw Captain Storm Wing Count - 1 I can't wait to see how big this gets~!
i swear i vomited rainbows when i saw this
I think I preferred Luna's magic lesson in the original version.
Still, Screw Captain Storm Wing.
*sees new update* Awesome!
*sees it's another chapter revisit and not pt. 3 of Chapter 15* FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!!!!!!!
Good stuff.
I very seriously considered blowing smoke in her face, but decided against it. Stoic grabbed me by the ear, though, and pulled me away from that decision before I could dive in.
error detected :o
I was wondering where Luna's motivation would come from in this version. Very well arranged.
Although the escalation seems a bit rushed.
Now... He has the book burn spell, but not the book clone spell... Does this mean his and Twilight's later library decimation spree won't happen?
Something missing there.
Actually, in this version, she just said "the Captain". But No-Name does know who "Storm Wing" is.
Great chapter as usual, but I can't help wonder at what point you're going to refer to him as The Burninator.
"I will never do this ever again" - Liar. Also, we're going to need a fall count.
As always, this fic just oozes of awsomness!
Screw Captain Storm Wing count?! That's gonna go up rather quickly.
1288814
*8 hours later, after my internet returns and i pass out somewhere along the way*
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This is going to be a recurring theme, isn't it? Seriously, I'm gonna have to skip some references, otherwise we'll end up seeing how many characters a comment can have in them, when I break it. (Don't doubt me, I've written two page essays as a comment before < true story)
*sigh*
I find your non-lack of funny, absolutely hilarious. (yep, I even botched that one up, oh well.)
my thoughts when I read that…
i16.photobucket.com/albums/b15/ultra1437/Memes/mlpmylittleponymemebroniesrainbowdashmasturbating.png
And I'm adding that to my collection.
Oh god… must resist, nope. Can't resist, gotta do it.
i16.photobucket.com/albums/b15/ultra1437/Memes/bWxc0.jpg
Obligatory ding video. Also sums up quite closely to how 'No-Name' despises Captain Storm Wing.
Who would have thought being unable to sleep would have it's benefits?
I like the addition of the SCSW counter!
Oh dear, Luna's going to go ten miles past insane.
Almost all of Humanity's knowledge in that one little head? Celestia will be lucky if she doesn't turn into a second Discord, and Luna will be lucky if her head doesn't explode.
1288802 lol, you have no taste
(S.C.S.W.C.) YES!
Oh, god. there's a 'Screew Captain Storm Wing' counter now. The implications can only be hilarious
!
Loved this chapter, Lafter. Probably the best rewrite chapter so far. The approach to his magic training and fire powers felt way better this time through. So much improvement in the writing, and still keeping the humor(even improving on it!). Keep up this marvelous work.
{reads as Luna absorbs the phone} This won't end well. At all.
did Luna just accidentally the whole internet?
yup.
it happened.
again.
Absorbing the internet? still a bad idea.
Who am I kidding? I'd do it myself! The curiosity is too powerful!
still a bad idea.
Luna has earned +1 internet
may an unspecified deity have mercy on her soul.
-wargod
And so I appear, like an evil, yet hypnotically adorable rainbow after an evening squall. One that rains skittles...for I, Dimentio... am just that tasty.
Showing Luna RvB.
as if i could consider you a more awesome person.
Glad to see one of my favorite EQD stories being as ever popular on here as it was over there.
"S.C.S.W.C. - 1"
The count has begun!
Chapter naming consistency is further destroyed.
So the awesome continues. Nice to see you hitting your stride on the rewrite. These are freakin' awesome.
You know one thing I love about this story? The chapters are consistently 10k+, but it never feels like I'm reading for very long. It just reads so fluidly.
you know what... I've been watching a lot of zero punctuation lately and then i started reading this in Yahtzee's voice and strangely it fits. i didnt think this fic could be funnier but it did when i imagined firewall (spoiler alert) with his voice.
anyway keep up the good work and i love you and all that. 
It appears that Tisiphone has gained an extra S in her name in this chapter. How interesting. I can't tell if that's an intentional writing choice because Firewall calls her Tissy normally or whether it's just a series of typos.
(Yes, I do know that spoiler tags don't have any actual effect on this site, but it still helps warn people.)
I did not see wut u did thar.
If I get Hitman: Absolution/Gears of War: Judgement/ Star Wars: 1313 for free.... then I will chain myself to Lucky, for a week!
1312467
You won't make it... :(
1312848 IS A PONY THAT CAUSES ME TO HAVE WORSE LUCK THAN I ALREADY HAVE... it can't be as bad as getting crushed by a meteorite or burning alive because of a mistossed incendiary grenade.
1312855
DON'T THROW YOUR LIFE AWAY!!!
