Best viewed through the Google Chrome on the Google Document.
Gentlecolts, I have but one question for you.
What is normal?
Is it doing what comes natural to you? Because I gotta tell you, there are plenty of people that do just that and still get tagged as deviants.
Is it holding up your local status quo? I don’t think that’s quite right either. I mean, think about it for a moment. In America, that’s getting a full-time job (or two (or three)) and supporting/contributing in some fashion towards your own care and/or the care of others. In certain parts of Africa, people would look at you funny for that.
You want to know what I think normal is? It’s the setting on my dryer back on Earth. That’s about as defined as normal gets for me. See also: Standard setting.
Why am I asking you this? Not certain other than I want to give you a frame of reference for what is normal. Because I’m about to jump into the far reaches of abnormal.
Now brace yourself for it. Take a deep breath through your nose, enter a state of zen, and let it out through your flapping lips. Don’t clench! I woke up in a cartoon. Wait, it gets better. It wasn’t just any cartoon. It was the cartoon to end all cartoons. No, not Aqua Teen Hunger Force.
Let me take you back to what was happening last. Let’s see, I was drinking a lovingly made martini whilst partying up at my stepsister, Michelle’s, birthday bash. As was normal for her, rather than enjoy her own damn birthday, she was instead running damage control or something she felt was important. We actually got into a fight about it and I ended up walking out. Last thing I remember was leaving the party only slightly inebriated. Passed my own personal drunk test, even. Well, I never made it to my car.
Let me rephrase that: I don’t ever remember making it to my car. Because on the way there, I fell asleep. And woke up in the cartoony central square of a town called Ponyville.
Yeeaaahhh... It went a little something like this:
Bird was tweeting. I’m not sure what he was tweeting. I was quite certain, however, that I wasn’t subscribed to his channel, so I’m not sure why he had to let me know about it. But he was. And unfortunately, it was grating on my slowly awakening nerves. I opened my eyes and regretted that damn near instantly! It was bright out! I mean, not sun bright that seems to coat everything in a blinding layer of blinding white. No. Everything was bright. Brightly colored.
I slammed my poor orbs shut and whimpered before rolling over. I would not let the bright colors defeat me. I tried opening them ag-GAHOKAYCOLORSWIN!
I had lost the battle with bright colors. I didn’t even know what the colors were. I just knew they were incredibly bright and I was incredibly tired. Maybe I could get some more rest and try again tomorrow. Yeah. That sounded reasonable.
Then that damnable bird started up again. Oh bird. Just you wait. There would be a reckoning. I was about to get me some brand spankin’ new feathers for my dream catcher back home. Okay. For the bird-related vengeance. Let’s try this. One. Last. Time.
Bllllargh~! My poor defenseless eyes! I did it though. I opened them fully. I made those suckers stay open. They watered and burned as though they were on fire, but that’s okay. I beat the colors for the sake of fowl destruction. Oh-ho, but there would be a reckoning. A reckoning indeed. Right after this cigarette.
Yes, I smoke. I’m not apologizing. It’s an addiction. I feed it to prevent slaughter on a genocidal scale. Therefore, every time I light up, I’m taking one for the team. I am so freaking selfless, I know. You just can’t handle this brand of awesome selflessness. But there it is. You’re welcome. No no, don’t applaud. Just send cash.
So yeah, I lit up this awesome cigarette as part of my morning ritual -- See averting genocidal tendencies -- before rolling back over and pushing myself up off the ground.
Okay, I’m up, I thought to myself. Phase one of destroy annoyingly loud featherduster complete. Initiate phase two.
Find a rock. Rock rock rock. I began to look about at the ground. When did Michelle paint her lawn bright neon green? Rock! Phase two complete! I looked up towards the source of the sound before grabbing the rock and casting about for the target. It took me a few seconds, but I eventually spotted my victim atop a two-story Bavarian-style house with blindingly bright pink shutters, brown-red planking and pastel yellow walls. I spared enough thought towards the building to figure some rich idiot paid a ridiculous amount of money to have it built in the center of town. The rest of my thought however, focused on the rock.
“Fly true, weapon of salvation!” I yawned irritably before chucking the rock at the bird. As soon as I did though, the bird dropped a few priorities on my mental list. See, I expected to see a hand to throw the rock. I didn’t get a hand. No, I got something else. Something that just... It just wasn’t normal in the slightest.
I got a hoof. This, in turn, made my jaw drop as I brought it closer. I was so freaking absorbed in staring at that hoof. I didn’t even react to the rock bouncing back off the building and smacking me right atop my head. I mean, I reacted after it cleaned my clock, sure. But before that I was derpin’ out over the hoof that stubbornly insisted to exist where my right hand should have been.
“Gah! Sunova...” I hissed, rubbing the throbbing bump with my other hoof before realizing I indeed had a second hoof.
Hooves. I checked them. They were hooves. Definitely hooves. Ash-gray hooves to be exact. I could tell from the pixels and having seen quite a few hooves in my day. I compared them. One hoof. Two hoof. Hoovsies. Woah.
I looked myself over as I took another drag off my cigarette. Oh but yes. It was true. I was a buckmothering pony. Oh. My. Gawd.
My hooves were just a shade darker than my coat, which was charcoal-gray. And my tail! It was… Well, it looked like the colors of a butane lighter, to be exact. The center of the wild, fluffy thing was bright neon blue. The edges of it cut off abruptly into a bright fiery red.
That must mean... I started to think to myself before looking back at the un-freaking-reasonably bright Bavarian abode before me.
I began to hyperventilate. I’m sorry, just... just bear with me here. I know. I was definitely overreacting, but just... It was Sugarcube Corner that I was sitting in front of, okay? I was excited. Why, you might ask?
I’m a brony. Yes, you heard me. An honest-to-God brony.
Now, that means completely different things depending on whom you ask. If you ask the mouth-breathing idiots at Faux (Some people know it as 'Fox') News, a brony is a fat, unemployed middle-aged loser that draws in social security and does nasty things when thoughts of ponies enter his mind. If you ask an overprotective backwater parent, bronies are a group of pedophiles that creep around the internet and they will urge you to hide yo kids, hide yo wife, and hide yo husbands cuz they rapin’ ev’rybody out here ya’ll. If you ask some insecure homophobic Neanderthal, a brony is a load of four-letter words and quite a few three-letter ones, to boot!
However, if you (God forbid) do the sensible thing and ask someone in the know... Say, perhaps... an actual brony? Maybe you will find out the truth. They’re just normal people with abnormal enthusiastic hobbies. The only difference is rather than do something socially acceptable, they instead disregard the status quo and direct their enthusiastic tendencies towards the latest generation of the My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic. Holy shit, that’s just going too far! We can’t have normal people doing things they want to do! That’s just wr-... I’m ranting. Apologies.
Where was I? Oh. Right. Sugarcube Corner. Pinkie Pie’s place of business. Partnered with Missus and Mister Cake. She’s like... critical to the show. Now, that’s not what I was thinking at the moment. My current line of thought was more along the lines of SUGARCUBE CORNER! OH MY GAWD! RIGHT HERE! I NEED IT!
Like I said, hyperventilation began to set in and I began to get dizzy from unintentionally rapid smoking. That was probably the only thing that kept me from running around in circles and crying happily as I soaked myself in the wonderful rays of Celestia’s Equestrian sun.
Oh yes, it was true. I was in Equestria. Oh. Oh, this was a happy day. So much to do. Geek talk with Twilight. Party with Pinkie. APPLEBUCKING! That sounded so incredibly redneck! Like frog gigging (Yes, that’s an actual thing) or... or mudding! And still more to do! Like glomp Fluttershy and wear dresses with Rarity!
Screeeeeeech~! My brain came to a halt and the rational half took over.
Yes, I am a two-sided coin. See, that spurt of random giddiness? That comes from the side I like to call Lafter. He’s in charge of my insanity, which consumes roughly half of my mental facilities. The other half, however, is just as strong and is quite capable of taking charge when things get out of hand. His name is Stoic. Stoic is the kind of guy that steps in and prevents Lafter from driving me off to Rarity’s Carousel Boutique and trying on a French Maid outfit. He was quick to point out that there were likely other ways to spend time with Rarity that didn’t involve crossdressing. Lafter pointed out that we would look damn good, no matter what we wore. Stoic agreed.
What can I say? I set the bar for self-confidence.
Before Lafter could respond to that, Stoic locked him away in the time-out box and proceeded to advise me in an entirely reasonable fashion. He hates fun things.
Okay, get a grip, I told myself before taking another puff of my cigarette. You’re obviously having a dream. Granted, it’s a bloody awesome dream, but it’s a dream nonetheless. No reason to go into shock just yet. Enjoy yourself and move on.
Killjoy. Whatever. I’ve had lucid dreams before. I usually screw around for a few minutes before getting bored and creating a tornado before jumping into it like a madman. I’m not easily entertained. At least not within the confines of my own mind.
“Whatever, let’s just skip to the tornado,” I muttered aloud. If I couldn’t meet the real ponies, I didn’t want to torture myself by pretending to meet them. So instead, I just threw my ‘hooves’ forward and yelled out, “TORNADO TIME!”
Imagine the disappointment when I didn’t get my wish. Bah. Nonsense. Try again.
“TORNADO TIME!!!” I roared, dramatically throwing out my hooves yet again.
Something happened this time. However, it was not a tornado. Instead, a window on one of the nearby buildings popped open to reveal a magenta p-OMGITWASBERRYPUNCH!
Easy, killer, Stoic reminded me. Initial tests suggest this might not be a dream. Just play it cool.
Playing it cool involved my eyes slowly widening as though they were being inflated.
She was glaring down from her second story window, her bleary eyes angrily fixed upon me. Whether she was hung over or just waking up, I couldn’t tell. Probably both. I stared back, my jaw slowly falling open yet again as I took in the sight of my first pony. My cigarette fell out of my mouth. I want you to know, I take nicotine abuse very seriously. So for me to just ignore the plummeting cylinder of tobacco… You just had to know me to understand the gravity of that thought. Waste not.
I don’t want to wake up from this dream, I stated to myself, as well as to both my subconscious halves.
They both agreed.
“Hi!” I enthusiastically waved a hoof up at her.
She glared obstinately at me. Ruby poked her head up over the window and after taking note of my cheerful greeting, eagerly waved back at me. Berry Punch yanked her back and glared some more before rudely slamming the window shut.
See? Overprotective parents hate bronies. It’s a fact. They think we touch kids or something. It sorta evens out though, because bronies find overprotective parents just as creepy/weird, too. No, that’s not a joke.
With a remorseful sigh I looked about. It was definitely Ponyville. The nondescript trees, the impossibly green grass, the crater still smoking just behind where I woke up. There was no mistak-… Wait a second.
I did a double take and stared at Town Square. Yup. There was a big fat crater right in the middle of it. Luckily it hit Town Square rather than a building or something. That would have been awful, ruining somepony’s home like that. Fortunately, all it amounted to was a big nasty scar right in the center of town. It smelled like brimstone and ashes and the small column wafting from its epicenter did so lazily towards the sky.
Did I do that? I caught myself wondering. I mean, it was feasible, right? If this wasn’t a dream, I may have pulled a trope and crashed from the sky. No wonder Berry Punch was so quick to regard me so suspiciously. If I reasonably came to this conclusion, then she could definitely do the same and would have all the justification in the world to avoid me.
I picked up my cigarette and took yet another drag. This… was troublesome. My first day in Ponyville (assuming I wasn’t crazy/dreaming) and I had already wrecked the place. Way to go, me!
And then it happened. Inward crazy panic. A jumble of thoughts! A cornucopia of mental chaos erupted from within! I’m going to list out the insanity rather than try to translate how it actually went. Trust me, this will make it easier on everyone involved.
-Holy bit, I’m a pony.
-Holy bit, I’m smoking in Equestria!
-I’ve only been here five minutes and I’ve already caused extensive property damage!
-I’m smoking in Ponyville! I can’t do this! Think of the ponies!
-How… How did I even light this damn thing? I don’t have any pockets on me!
-Where’d I even get this damn thing! I don’t have any pockets on me!
-Disregard nonsense! Acquire ponies!
-I can’t just go steal ponies!
-Need an ashtray! Wait no… I need to make sense of this insanity!
-I’m sorry, but you’ve thrown off the Emperor’s Groove.
And then I got thrown out of a window. Not really, but that’s what happened to the last guy to have that told to him. Anyway, out of all of that chaos, one thought stood out considerably more than the others.
I need to make sense of this. Disregard the cigarette, disregard the ponyness, disregard the ashtray, ponynapping, and Disney references. I needed to get to somepony that could help me. And the obvious answer was both obvious and exciting. Just contemplating the idea was raising my blood pressure to unsafe levels.
Go see Twilight Sparkle.
Stoic sat on Lafter’s timeout box to make sure he didn’t get loose (that would have been bad at this stage) and gave me the go-ahead. With that, I looked around and got a general feel for my surroundings. After feeding all given information into my mental navigational process, I realized that I both knew where I was and where to go. I couldn’t help but snicker at the irony of knowing the geographical layout of Ponyville. I mean, yeah, I may be a brony, but the idea that I watch a show for little girls never ceases to blow my mind.
I shook off the mirth and began to walk. It was actually quite easy adapting to my new form. I mean, I wasn’t struggling or anything. Go figure. I even figured out how to move my tail. TAIL! I swished it back and forth as I walked and felt the urge to squee bubbling forth.
No, no. Bad Lafter. Stay in that box. No freaking out until further notice.
The effort to stem that squee flow took a lot longer than those few sentences may have implicated. In fact, in the time it took me to force it down, I already had the Ponyville Library in sight. That started yet another emotional surge that I sadly failed to weather out. As soon as I set my eyes on that very special tree, I broke out into a sprint... err... gallop? The grin spreading across my face was inhumanly large, which made perfect sense since I was no longer a human. I was smiling so hard that it bloody hurt.
I paused just before the door though. Had to collect myself. Had to get a grip. Had to…
The door opened. I didn’t knock, it just opened. Out came the coolest dragon ever. Sure, he may have been a baby. Yeah, his colors of purple and green may have badly clashed. True, he was a mere library assistant. But that didn’t matter. It was Spike. And that was all that counted in my book. Cue the mouth-dropping moment of awesome.
He was carrying a large satchel, entirely bereft of any contents whatsoever.
“Okay, Twilight, anything else?” he called back into the treehouse before turning to see me staring at him like he was made of pure gold.
“No, that should cover it!” a very specific and important voice called back.
Spike took it all gracefully, which is a lot more than I could possibly say for myself. My eyes likely did not exude a calm message, but he played it cool, staring right back with an arched eyebrow.
“You uh… You never seen a dragon?” he asked helpfully.
I shook my head.
“You’re not going to run away screaming are you?” he asked, reaching a claw up to scratch his head.
I shook my head again.
“Well, that’s good,” he replied, “I guess.”
His confusion worsened and he turned his head a bit to give me a somewhat skeptical once over. “So uh… I guess I’ll be going now.”
“Kay,” I murmured softly, still praying that this wasn’t a dream. This couldn’t be a dream.
“Creepy~,” he whispered as he slowly stepped around me.
I watched him leave, keeping my eyes stalkerishly fixed on him. Oh yeah, I was totally keeping my composure. Totally. I sighed as he turned the street corner, now irritated with my inability to keep it together. With that, I resolved myself to do better with the other purple inhabitant and reached my hoof up to knock on the door.
Yet again, it opened before I could do so. Or at least the top half did. However, this time I was within its swinging range and was rewarded with a smack to the face. Related note: Twilight opens doors at astounding velocities. I toppled over and tumbled into Twilight’s lovely flower garden. It had roses for some reason. Oh Christ, the thorns. Why did it have to be roses?!
“Spike, wait!” Twilight hollered from the door before realizing she had struck some poor bastard with it. “Oh! Oh dear! I’m so sorry!”
“J-Just kill me… Stop the pain, I beg you,” I whimpered pitifully.
Twilight rushed out to help extract me from the evil, thorn-filled, vile rose bush, apologizing with a fervor rarely seen on Earth. It took a lot of whimpering, apologies, and agony, but I was eventually extracted from the sadistic shrubbery. It was not a nice shrubbery.
“Oh my goodness, you’re all scraped up!” Twilight pointed out the obvious.
“Common side effect of being bludgeoned into a rose bush,” I grimaced as I picked up a hoof and took a quick damage report from my entire front leg. If the rest of my body was as bad off as it was, then I probably looked like shit. With a capital shit.
“I am so, so very sorry!” she repeated for the umpteenth time.
The pain was already fading. In fact, it was almost bearable already. That didn’t make any sense! After all one does not simply shrug off an attack from a rose bush, but apparently that was not the case here. I wasn’t even bleeding. That, I knew to be freaky. I’d just dived headlong into a bush full of murderous roses and emerged without a single drop of blood lost. I guess ponies didn’t bleed? I mean, I sure as hell never saw them bleed, and I hoped to keep it that way.
“Here, this should help,” Twilight replied as she aimed her horn at me, “Hold still.”
I started to respond, but I was cut off staring at the sparkly pinkish glow that sprung forth. Before I could react, it washed over me and a moment later, all the scrapes and pain were gone.
Twilight just White Mage’d me. Technically she Magenta Mage’d me if you wanted to be literal, but still! How awesome is that!? Awesome enough to market for a premium, that’s how awesome!!
“Wow that’s… That’s mind blowing,” I muttered as I gave myself another once over. “Wow! Twilight, that is so OP.”
“How do you kno... Wait, come again?” she tilted her head, both mildly overcome with surprise and confusion, “Oh Pee? What does that mean?”
I gave a nervous chuckle, “Oh, it just means you are overpowered. OP. Makes sense?”
She opened her mouth to speak, but paused and give herself a bit more time to mull that over before raising an eyebrow, “Um... I suppose? And thank... you... I guess?”
“No problem!” I smiled brightly, before taking another puff of my cigarette.
That’s when I realized I was still smoking. Right in front of Twilight. Mortified doesn’t even begin to cover it. The only thing that could have been worse was being caught naked (which was already happening, technically) or something. I immediately spat it out onto the ground and gave it an angry stomp before showing her a nervous smile.
And thus began the first of very many looks of suspicion of insanity. I mean, what Spike had gave me earlier was close, but Twilight must have invested some time in honing her skills. Skills or not, I was too numb to feel the full effect of such an effort thanks to my nervous system already being flooded with awesome. I mean, for once in my life, I could say that I was experiencing something that matched the textbook definition of the word.
“Well, if... that’s all, then.” She slowly backed away, moving for the library door.
I panicked a bit, but quickly recovered and did the sensible thing. Be both honest and earnest.
“W-Wait, Twilight! It’s really, really important that I speak to you!” I said urgently, my face reflecting my desperation. “Please, I... I’m not from around here and I just... Seriously, you’ve no idea just how crazy this is.”
You know that look when someone you do not want to spend time with legitimately needs your help and you don’t want to be an ass by rejecting them? Yeah, that was pretty much Twilight’s face. I knew I had her at that point. It would just take a little more begging and pleading. Sometimes, being a psychology enthusiast really pays off. Don’t bother trying to call me out on it. Every single person on the planet does it. The only difference is that I do it actively, rather than subconsciously (kinda like your conniving mother?).
“Look, just let me take a bit of your time. At the very least, this will probably give you something to talk about later, even if you don’t believe me.” I offered half-seriously, “I’m not kidding, I don’t know who else to turn to.”
Twilight set me with a helpless stare before letting out a resigned sigh and turning back towards her door. “I... I suppose it’s the least I can do... Seeing as how I hit you with the door and everything.”
I resisted the urge to jump in the air and scream with delight. Instead, I settled for giving her a grateful smile and nodded with but a single word.
She invited me in and offered to get some tea. She gave me a strange look when I told her I took mine cold as ice with a ridiculous amount of sugar. Apparently, cold tea was abnormal or something. Pffft. Pony stereotypes. Just wait until I get me some hipster glasses. I was going to introduce them to so many strange and awesome things.
I hopped up onto a bench, sitting on it exactly as a human would (which is exactly as a pony wouldn’t!) whilst looking about the living room to the library. It looked almost identical to the show, save for a section in the back that apparently held the kitchen, bathroom, and a staircase leading down into the basement. Or maybe I had just never seen it from this angle. Whatever the case, I was mesmerized. It was a lot bigger than the show made it out to be, and smelled of musty old books and pine sawdust. Which sorta didn’t make any sense, because that was most definitely not a pine tree. However, it still smelled awesome and I was awestruck nonetheless.
She returned with two cups of hot tea, her soft smile both welcoming and happy. After setting mine beside me, she took a moment to cast a spell that chilled both the glass and the fluid inside. Magic. Oh, but it is awesome.
I smiled eagerly as she took a bench of her own nearby. I tried to pick it up with my hooves, but that... Well, it was damned hard is what it was! I must have fumbled with the stupid thing for a whole minute before Twilight finally came out with the question that I was already anticipating.
“What... What are you doing?” she asked, tilting her head slightly.
I bit my lip and tried one last time, putting extra effort into it, only to end up spilling my cup on the floor. I could feel the blush burn my face off as I gasped and grabbed my tail to begin mopping up the mess as quickly as I could.
“S-Sorry!” I cried out, my anxiety just two steps from causing me to have a nervous breakdown.
“D-Don’t use your tail! We have napkins!” she called out, magicking some in from the kitchen.
“Sorry!” I cried out yet again before grabbing the closest one and slapping it against the offending puddle of cold tea. Because of my crazed anxiety, all I succeeded in doing was splash some onto my face and generally get it everywhere except into the napkin.
I glared at the offending napkin-slash-puddle and pursed my lips a bit in irritation, “Really, life? You do this to me now? Right when I’m sitting in front of one of the coolest chicks to have ever influenced my existence? This couldn’t have happened some other time?”
Without looking at Twilight, I snatched the other napkins out of the air and gently placed them over the remainder of the mess before looking up at Twilight with quite possibly the stalest expression ever.
“Well, now that I’m properly mortified and humiliated, I’m going to step outside and calm down before I die of embarrassment.” I said with a flat sigh before turning for the door. As I approached it, though, I felt a cold chill go throughout my body.
It had a doorknob.
Rather than do something stupid like try to open it with my teeth, I just looked back at her. I expected yet another strange expression, but she looked more worried for my sake than anything.
“Could you please get the door? I... I don’t know how to open it,” I explained in a tired voice.
Without saying a word, she magicked it open and let me out. I exited, my face still burning hot from the shame. I trotted out a bit to the soft grass of her front yard and flopped down onto it. Maybe I’ll just... lay here and will myself out of existence or something. Okay, maybe after a cigarette.
Without thinking about where it was coming from, I pulled out my pack of cigarettes as easily as I would produce them from a pocket. I blinked before looking at where I pulled them from, just to make sure there wasn’t a hole in my body. Okay, no, we’re good. Still, that was somewhat perplexing. I gave a sigh before glancing back at the pack foiled with silver and teal. I kid you not. It said ‘Mareboro Smooth 100’ on the front. That had me brain locked for quite a few seconds. Finally, I opened the pack only to realize that it was still full, despite me having already snagged a cigarette from it earlier. Wow. That part I could totally get used to. I retrieved a smoke and closed it before putting it away. Then I realized it just disappeared and I jumped up before looking around frantically.
“Is... Is everything okay?” Twilight asked, apparently having stepped out to check on me.
I continued to search about fruitlessly for a few seconds longer before groaning in irritation and sitting my frustrated plot down.
“No, Twilight!” I huffed, lighting my cigarette before explaining, “Why is everything not alright? Because I’ve gone insane. Really, I didn’t think it would take this long, but it’s finally happened just like my dad said it would and now I’ve apparently chosen Ponyville as my Sucker Punch mental escape. All-in-all, not a bad choice really but c’mon! I can’t even pick up a goddamn teacup! Not to mention my first act getting here was apparently to blow up Town Square, which probably isn’t going to win me any points with anypony. Not to mention the cartoon physics are already screwing with me and somewhere along the line, I turned into a pony! And to top it all off, I just made a complete jackass of myself using nothing but sugar, water, and boiled frickin’ tea leaves just after getting shoved into a satanic creation that most people know as a ‘Rose bush’! So no. Everything is not okay! I’m not okay! I’m like, ten different flavors of not-okay! If the Guiness World Book of Records held a spot in its pages for ‘Not-Okay-In-The-Slightest,’ I think I would have taken the gold, silver, bronze and all the runner-ups!”
I sighed before taking a puff off my cigarette before noticing that it somehow got lit without me thinking out it. Glaring at the suddenly offensive nicotine stick, I spit it out and accusingly pointed at it with a hoof.
“Mother... And how did I just get that stupid thing lit!?” I hollered in exasperation.
I heard Twilight let out a bemused chuckle before looking up at her with a tired visage.
“You used magic,” she explained as though it were obvious. She approached with a small towel and levitated it over to my face, wiping off the drying sticky-sweet tea with a relieved sigh.
“Magic?” I repeated dumbly, squinting at the warm-watered towel as she used it to clean off my face. After getting cleaned up a bit, I gave the still smouldering cigarette a suspicious glare. I had just used my hoof to bring it to my face and light it. Was that magic? Hell, it certainly wasn’t normal but then again, this entire day was straight-up freaky as of yet. I tried to pick it back up with a hoof, but it was for naught. Irritation was at an all time high. Why was it no longer working?
“Mmmhmm! Magic,” she replied with a sympathetic smile, “Well, at least this explains a lot. I take it you aren’t really a unicorn, then.”
I blinked in shock.
“A... A uni... Ahem. Run that by me again, Twilight?”
“Well, you said you got turned into a pony, so I figure you aren’t an actual unicorn. Or at least, not originally.” She placed a pensive hoof to her chin and stared up as she considered that. “Wow, now that I think about it, transmuting a living creature is not exactly a simple spell. I’m not even sure I could manage something lik-...”
“No, no. We’ll get to that next.” I waved a hoof to cut her off. “What did you say I was? Just to make sure I didn’t mishear you.”
“A unicorn? A pony with a horn used for focusing magic?” she explained with a slightly doubtful stare, “Wow, you weren’t stretching the truth when you said you weren’t from around here.”
Eyes widened. Breath came short. An explorative hoof came to my forehead. There it felt an ivory-like spiraled protrusion sticking out. Stoic dived to keep Lafter contained, but that... that wasn’t going to work for very long.
“Twilight, I’m about to make a lot of noises of incoherent excitement,” I warned her very seriously, “It’s probably best you get inside... Else I may get some of this squee on you and it doesn’t easily come out with a wash.”
She blinked in fearful confusion, stepping back cautiously. “W... What?”
My grin began to break through as I began to shake a little, “T-Too late!”
I suddenly burst into motion, jumping up and down in circles like a kid who just won a life-time supply of candy. As I promised, sounds of excited happyness erupted from me and while they had no specific definition, there was no mistaking that I was suddenly back on cloud nine.
“I’m a unicorn! I’m a friggin’ unicorn!” I cheered in time with my bouncing, tossing my mane about gleefully. Fillies and Gentlecolts, Lafter has entered the building.
I suddenly paused as my jaw fell open for what was probably the thousandth time. “What spells can I cast!”
I aimed my horn at nothing in particular and began to focus as though I were trying to force my brain through my forehead. Unicorn powers activate! … … Only not. Completely failed to do anything, but damn it, I was going to try until I had an aneurysm or a spell! I was really hoping the second would happen before the first, though.
“Are... you trying to cast a spell?” Twilight asked hesitantly. She... was probably doubting my sanity again. Not that I was giving her any reason to do anything else, but still. I was merely excited. No call for her to be so callous and uncaring towards my happyness! This was a great day all over again!
“Y-Yeah!” I grunted, still focused on making some magic. “But it’s... not... working.”
She didn’t reply and eventually, I gave up with an exhausted huff.
She walked up beside me, lowering her head beside mine with a nervous laugh. “Well... What are you trying to do?”
“Anything! I just want to know I can do it!” I cried before giving up with a huff.
Then I noticed the cigarette and I got an idea. Maybe I just needed to have a little faith and an idea of what I wanted. Without thinking about it, I pulled out the pack of cigarettes and paused yet again. I had it in my hoof. It was just sticking there like I had gecko pads for horseshoes.
“Heh. Well, now you know you have magic. Though that’s a peculiar way to perform a summoning spell,” she pointed out before peering at the box, “What is that anyway?”
“Let’s... Let’s not worry about it,” I murmured before opening the box. Still full. Holy hell, that was too good to be true. “Magic test number two.”
I simply inserted it in my mouth and forced myself to not focus on the peppermint-scented, methylated product. I thought about smoking and without any warning whatsoever, a spark flitted from my forehead and lit the cigarette with a somewhat audible snap.
“ACK!” I cried, jumping back as I dropped it out of my mouth. I wasn’t expecting the special effects, alright?
Twilight facehoofed as she shook her head, “I think that’s enough magic for one day.”
“Eeee~!” I squealed as I cantered back to the cigarette, making myself not focus on picking up the cigarette as I touched it with a hoof. Sure enough, it worked on the first try. That seemed to be the answer. Just... let it happen; don’t force it, yeah? “Okay, yeah! We’re good now! This solves the most immediate crisis!”
“Wonderful,” she remarked with a wry smirk, “So, do you still need my help, or does that solve your problems?”
“Problems?” I looked back at her as I took a puff, stomping out the previous cigarette.
I’m a unicorn? I’m in Equestria? I’m talking with Twilight? I’ve got what seems to be an endless supply of cigarettes? No SIR! NO PROBLEMS HERE! Wheeeeee~!!!! Oh, but how did I get here and property damage. Yeah, I suppose that still needed to be addressed.
“Oh, right,” I nodded, tapping my chin pensively, “I suppose it’s time to tell you the really freaky part.”
“It gets worse?” She almost looked scared.
“Oh, girl. Stand back. I’m about to blow your mind,” I uttered gravely, “Are you ready for this?”
She raised an eyebrow before sighing, “I suppose not, but that isn’t going to change anything. Let’s hear it.”
“I’m an alien,” I stated flatly.
Her half-irritated, half-bored expression told me that not only did she not believe me but her patience was suddenly under a fair amount of strain.
“Maybe I should explain a little better. This isn’t my world. I don’t come from this… reality? Universe?” I tried to shrug, but I found it extremely difficult. How do you shrug with just one hoof?
Twilight looked slightly less dubious, but her visage told me she still wasn’t excluding the possibility that I needed a fluffy pillow room and a jacket that helps me hug myself. Which, to her credit, was something I had yet to fully dismiss myself.
“Okay. Let’s try this again,” she gave a sigh that betrayed a hint of amusement and a mountain of suspicion. She was going to try and help me against her better judgment! Why, that was just so nice of her.
She turned and made towards the library, glancing at me before cocking her head at the entrance. “Come inside.”
I happily followed her in, nudging the door shut with my nose, which made her laugh at me because apparently I had this ultra-super concentrated look upon my face as I did it. Whatever, Twilight can laugh at me; she’s allowed.
“Ah, okay, let’s hear the stor…” she started to say before pausing at a largely audible groan echoing from her stomach.
Aaaand then my inner troll took over for a second. I gasped loudly, pointing an accusing hoof her way as I cried out in a disgusted tone, “My GOD, Twilight! … How unladylike!”
Dat blush. I immediately fell into an uncontrolled bout of laughter as her face slowly turned a bright shade of magenta (red + purple, I guess?). She looked all nervous and mortified for a few seconds. It took me a moment to register that she was actually humiliated as hell by my staged reaction. That kinda made me feel bad, so I knocked off the teasing guffaw without a moment’s hesitation and moved to fix what damage I had done.
“Hey, I was just kidding, don’t sweat it. I mean, I’ve held you up from lunch, right? C’mon, don’t be embarrassed or I might have to resort to self-depreciation and let’s be honest, I like me too much for that.”
The relief on her face helped to alleviate my guilt. She perked up from the humor and nodded a bit, a grateful smile appearing shortly after.
“Well, it’s actually my fault for having let the time get away from me,” she admitted shyly before looking around at the walls, “Hmmm. I missed breakfast altogether, no doubt. What time is it?”
Pure instinct. Checking the time? Just whip out the cellphone! Now, as you would surely assume, that shouldn’t have worked. Why it did, I’ve no clue. But there you have it. From the same wherever that I stashed my cigarettes in, I produced my slightly beat-up Motorola Atrix 4G with (ugh…) AT&T service.
It took me a few seconds of staring at the phone to accept that it was both real and functional. That was messing with me, I’ll admit. I started to put it back, but then realized I didn’t even check the time! After giving it one last once over for the sake of my sanity, I finally checked the time.
“It’s eleven-thirty,” I murmured with a blink, noticing something both interesting and bizarre on the device, “Huh. Twilight, this may sound weird, but I need you to answer a question that will likely make you think I’m crazy.”
“Oh, we’re far past that already,” she said with an off-hand (hoof?) giggle.
I blinked again before looking over at her with a slight amount of shock displayed on my face. Apparently, that made her realize what she had just said.
“O-Oh my goodness!” she slapped a hoof over her mouth, “T-That just came out, I’m so sorry!”
Number of times Twilight’s embarrassment has made me laugh: 2!
“You just called me crazy!” I don’t know why, but that was funny to me in a lot of ways. Mostly it was just a riot how much she actually panicked.
“I’m sorry!” she laughed back after becoming aware that I wasn’t actually offended. “I was just…”
“Trying to be witty, yeah. It’s cool, no worries,” I answered with a chuckle, “I’m the biggest advocate for well-timed shots.”
She let out a chuckle before taking notice of the device in my hoof. She then got all curious and stuff, cantering over and sticking her big purple nose into my personal space to gaze at the curious artifact.
“So, this is like a magic clock?” she asked as she leaned closer. My natural reaction was to lean away. It’s just something we as humans do.
“Well, actually, I still want to ask my question first,” I replied, “Do you have Wi-Fi or something? Because I’m getting full signal. And that makes no sense, because last I checked, you guys don’t even have television.”
“What-O-Vision?” she asked, looking back up at me before tilting her head.
“Long story,” I said with a sigh, unlocking the device and opening up the mighty purveyor of information known as Google. “No shit. That’s… pretty odd.”
“It is?” she looked back at it, blinking in confusion, “Why?”
“Think of it as a series of tubes,” I couldn’t help myself. “The tubes move entire libraries of information throughout them as quickly as lightning. I know for a fact that no tubes even exist here. So, no tubes are here, ergo I shouldn’t be able to access the information said tubes hold. Yet… Voila.”
The very idea seemed to be magnets to her. Her eyes got huge. Like…super-amazed, oh-my-Celestia, too-good-to-be-true huge.
“En… Entire libraries?” she repeated in awe.
“To be honest, if you built a library to encompass everything it had… Well, let’s just say you’d have an easier time building a second Canterlot.” I won’t lie, guys. I felt pretty hipster-hammy at the moment.
“What kind of information?” she asked, her eyes only getting bigger and shinier. Why they needed more shine, I’m not certain. But they were, and it was driving up my blood sugar.
Stoic tried. He really did. He did his damndest. But there was just no stopping Lafter. Irresponsibility was at hand! The opportunity would not be squandered!
I looked up pictures of Twilight. Because ponies, that’s why.
“W… H-How! That’s amazing!” she cried, poking at the screen testingly, “How is this possible!?”
Her poke enlarged a skillfully drawn image of her as an Alicorn princess. She squeaked in shock. I don’t know if it was a squee, a shriek, or something in between. But it only made her much more curious.
I went to scroll down a few more images before spotting some dreaded R34 (shudder) and hastily putting the phone away.
“Oh-ho-hokay there, that’s enough web-surfing for now!” I grinned nervously.
She did not like that. Her excitement immediately translated into heartbroken disappointment. And I thought the shiny-awe eyes were bad. Jesus.
“Woah woah woah, puppy dog eyes are foul play!” I cried out defensively. God forbid she cry. I can’t stand watching anyone cry in real life, much less awesome ponies. “I said for now, that doesn’t mean forever!”
She sighed reluctantly, her ears flopping down pitifully as she forced herself to accept that.
“Right,” she said dourly.
After a moment, though, the excitement returned with a great vengeance and sought to overpower me with its adorable.
“That’s so incredible, though! Information and pictures that can be accessed from a… a hub repository with a device! It’s brilliant!” she cried, her ears snapping back up with gusto.
“Trust me, Twilight. Your magic is just as amazing to us.” I let out a modest chuckle, my ham-repository having been filled for the moment. “So uh… Am I an alien or what?”
She smiled with a playfully forced sigh, “It’s either that or an all too elaborate joke. So… Mr. Alien. Oh… Actually, what is your name?”
I blinked before rubbing at the back of my neck with an irritated groan.
“Ummm. Well, it’s actually S-…” I started to say.
I was interrupted by the door suddenly being thrown open and slamming hard against its stopper.
“Spike, I’ve told you to stop doing that!” Twilight hollered at the short purple dragon entering.
I could tell it was Spike only by the purple claws walking underneath the small mountain of scrolls, quills, and ink bottles. Carrying the tremendous load in his arms, he used his tail to slam the door shut and poked his head around the side of the view-obstructing pile of literary material.
“Well, when I grow a magical horn that lets me open doors without using my claws, I’ll see about opening it your way!” he griped irritably, “Until that day though, tail it is!”
I winced at the angry exchange between the two. It wasn’t until that moment that Spike took notice of me.
“Spike! Manners! This is a guest!” she snapped, her eyes wide with shock.
I snickered, “It’s cool. Sup, Spike. I’m S-…”
“Yeah, yeah, listen, I don’t mean to be rude, but I really gotta get lunch going. I’m so hungry I could eat rocks and not care.” He waved me off dismissively after setting the vendor goods on a nearby table. Without leaving much room to get in an edgewise word, he vanished into the kitchen.
“Sorry, he gets really cranky when he misses breakfast,” Twilight murmured with a sigh, staring off at the kitchen before glancing back at me. “So… What was your name, again?”
“Tell ya what. If I get interrupted again, I’m going to make you give me a name instead,” I reasoned happily. “Unless, y’know… You want to just… give me one.”
“How about Hot Air!” Spike called from the kitchen.
Maybe there’s just something wrong with me. Maybe there’s something right with me. Maybe I’m just special. Whatever the case, I just don’t know how to take myself seriously. No really! Here Spike is, being a general PITA and the only thing I can do is laugh. Who does that? Even to me that sounds weird! Not that it changes anything, other than make me laugh a little harder. Still. I suppose it makes me very hard to dislike. Or maybe very easy and I’m just too dense to catch on. Either way, I remain happy as a clam.
“Spike~!” Twilight groaned, shamefully drooping her head.
I continued to snicker, my face buried beneath a hoof. Spike’s just awesome like that. Making those silly jokes.
“Declined, Spike, but thanks for the effort!” I called back before looking at Twilight. “Your turn, princess purple!”
Twilight lifted her head and simply stared at me for several seconds. She opened her mouth once but no sound came forth. After shutting it, she blinked and finally, turned a little pink around the cheeks.
“Can’t think of anything?” I trollfaced her RIGHT IN THE FACE.
She leaned away from me a little, blushing a tad more, “Give me a minute.”
I began to simulate the Jeopardy theme, staring her right in the eye as I did so. After about fifteen or more seconds of creepy eye contact, I finally lost my nerve and distracted her with a vocalized buzzer.
“Well, it’s your name! You pick it!” she demanded irritably.
“I’m sorry, Twilight, you must question in the form of an a-… Well, nevermind, I got that wrong,” I huffed before shrugging, “Heh. I kinda like the anonymity, actually. I shall be… Anon-Pony!”
Sometimes, even I have to look back at these past decisions and wonder… just what was I smoking and why didn’t I keep smoking it?
“A non-pony?” Twilight tilted her head, contemplatively considering it before giving a noncommittal nod, “I suppose that make sense. Since you aren’t really a pony after all.”
“No, no. Anon-Pony. As in anonymous pony,” I explained, my sails having gone somewhat slack from her misunderstanding. “Anonymous Pony. Anon-Pony. Get it?”
The good news was that she got it. The bad news was that I wish she hadn’t. Because then we got into this huge argument over the fact that nameless did not mean anonymous. And that I couldn’t be Anon-Pony if I wasn’t actually anonymous. I mean, it started out nice enough, but before long it just degraded into downright stubborn points of view with neither party willing to budge on the matter. Personally, if you ask me, Twilight’s just bullheaded. And I mean that.
After several minutes of that nonsense (no, we never settled on a name, sadly enough), we finally got down to the interesting part of the conversation. The part where we started to exchange fascinating information, that is. Twilight asked me a few questions a thousand different shades of interesting for her. Like, after I showed her what humans looked like (cellphone powah!), she simply couldn’t fathom just how different we were in appearance alone. And the fact that we thrived on the concept of technology and scientific exploitation was equally appealing to her. When I described weather prediction and how we worked around it, I had to reaffirm to her several times that Humans were nonmagical creatures.
Then I turned things around and began an intense interrogation of my own. Ponies! How do they work? We just don’t know! But that was about to change. Foreeeeveeeerrrrr~!
First of all, every last pony was packing magic. Yes, even the Earth Ponies. That’s how they were apparently able to pick things up with their hooves and even provided them with incredible strength. Pegasi, on the other hand, used their magic to make themselves feather-light for flying. Not only that, but were also able to trail their magic behind them for a variety of purposes such as more potent weather manipulation and leaving a wake of visible magic that was unique to each flyer. Unicorns had to rely on their horns to focus their magic, which prevented them from picking up most of the heavier objects with hooves or tails as an Earth Pony might. Their big advantage, however, were spells that could be used for a plethora of applications. Most Unicorns only get one or two spells, but their affinity with that spell would, over time, allow them to branch out to many other uses based entirely upon their will and desire. COMPLEX, EH?! But that wasn’t the extent of their magic. Hell, that wasn’t even scratching the surface of what magic did for ponies. Magic was in everything. Everything. Even in the butter.
Can you imagine that? This roll is not delicious enough! Let me smear a little magic vegetable spread on it, though, and it’s suddenly worthy of a ten dollar price tag! Grandma was good, but she wasn’t that good.
Seriously though, there was this thriving ecosystem of magic and I could talk about it all day long. In fact, me and Twilight would have done that very thing if Spike had not entered the room with pair of plates in his hands. His left cheek was gorged, as though he had a huge precious rock of some form stuffed in there. I got all excited at first, but that was before I noticed what was on the trays themselves.
“Thank you, Spike!” Twilight was delighted by the arrival of tasty hay.
I was not.
He brought me my plate and set it down in front of me with a nervous smile, “Uhh, sorry about the… y’know… Being a jerk.”
“Totally forgiven,” I smiled back before glancing at the plate, “Ummm…”
Twilight noticed my hesitation before tilting her head. “Oh, I take it that humans aren’t herbivores.”
“Omnivores,” I distinguished before biting my lip reluctantly, “We just… don’t eat hay.”
Poor Spike had been left out. He was out of the loop and it was definitely showing on his face. What with the Spock eyebrow and the crossed arms. “Hu-whats now?”
“He’s an alien, Spike,” Twilight pointed out.
“Totally.” I nodded
“That’s… not as big a surprise as you might think,” Spike scratched at the side of his head pensively, “No offense.”
“I’ll get over it with some therapy,” I gave a shrug before sighing and looking back at the hay, “Okay… It’s not an onion.”
Onions are also known as Satan Tears or Gargantuan Disgusting Bulbs. Little known facts for you guys.
“I’ll always try something once,” I told myself audibly.
Both the purple inhabitants stared at me with their purple faces and waited with bated purple breath as I slowly forced myself to lower my head and take a bite of the hay. Moment of truth aaaaand… FAIL! Ugh, gag me! My eyes popped open as I chewed into the damn thing. Oh, it was exactly what you would expect it to taste like. Dried grass!
Have you ever eaten something that tasted so bad that it made you laugh? Saw my best friend do it once with this ‘organic’ nut bar (I swear to all things holy, it looked like it was made of birdseed). I never really understood why he would laugh. He said it was the irony. I never really knew what that meant until I ate a mouthful of hay.
I mean think about it. This stuff tastes like crap. I mean, I could see die-hard hippies turning this stuff down and washing their mouth out with dirty soapwater to scour out the foul taste. Yet, they actively grow this stuff as a freakin’ delicacy. What kind of abject nonsense is that?! I know they’re smart enough to come to the conclusion that this garbage is just garbage (heh, I can see it now… “Hey! This hay sucks! Hey, Hay! Did you know that you suck!?”).
Still, I was tough. I macho’d it down, swallowed the whole bite. Then I proceeded to fall off the bench and shudder all over at least twice.
“I think he likes it,” Spike commented with a smirk.
I slowly worked my way up to my hooves and took a deep, shaky breath (okay, so I tend to be a little dramatic. It’s good for cleansing the sinuses.) “Well, that’s another horror I’ll take to my grave. Okay, it’s time to show you guys the power of a super bachelor!”
Don’t worry; I didn’t take off my pants. Besides, I was already naked.
“A wh-…” Spike started to as shortly before I interrupted him.
“Spike! To the bat cave!” I cried before chomping down onto his spines and dashing off with him in tow.
“Be careful with him!” Twilight cried out worriedly before tagging on a mirthful second half, “I’ve only got one!”
“Help!” he pleaded with Twilight as we vanished into the kitchen.
It was a modest little thing with a black wood-fire stove tucked in the corner. The shelves were filled with a lot of the necessities as well as a few novelties (I had totally forgotten what a mortar and pestle was). It took me a moment to orient myself, but after ascertaining what was at my disposal, the choice was obvious.
Oriental, baby. Can’t go wrong.
“Bikuh!” I shouted with my mouth full of flailing Spike before giving him a toss onto my back, “Spike!”
“I’m developing a phobia of aliens,” he replied shakily as he adjusted his seat on my back.
“Sounds like a personal problem!” I retorted before I spotted the drawers that had all the sharp stuff. “Now, it’s time to get cookin’! First things first! As proper men, we need sweat rags! Because that is awesome and we’re awesome! Understood?!”
“What?” I was losing him.
“Who’s awesome, Spike?!” I demanded.
“Um… … What?” He replied.
I sighed sadly before asking in a more practical tone, “Who is awesome?”
“Um… Rainbow Dash is pretty cool,” he pointed out in an uncertain fashion. He wasn’t catching on, that much was apparent.
I blinked before looking back at him with incredulity written upon my face.
“Yes, I suppose she is,” I admitted before sighing, lowering my head in frustrated disappointment, “Now. Who else, within the immediate vicinity, mind you, is awesome? We are! Now say it!”
The poor guy just had not had enough male influence in his life and it showed in his response. “We’re awesome?”
“It doesn’t need that question mark at the end there, chief,” I told him with a second sigh, “Try again. Who’s awesome?!”
“We’re awesome.” Better, but insufficient fury nonetheless.
“Louder!” I cried out, “Who’s awesome!?”
“We’re awesome!” he replied with more enthusiasm, starting to get pumped.
“Yeah! Who’s awesome!?” I demanded yet again!
“We’re awesome!” he bellowed in return!
“YEAH!” I thrust a hoof into the air!
“YEAH!” He did likewise with a claw!
“YEAH! WHERE ARE THE RAGS!?” I hollered.
“THERE!” He pointed out excitedly.
Two seconds later, we had a pair of awesome (pink… *sigh*) do-rags wrapped over our heads to match our states of awesomeness, “IT’S ON, FILLIES! LET’S COOK SOME LUNCH!”
“Pardon me, boys.” Twilight derailed the whole damn thing, yelling at us from wherever she was currently busy doing... girly... pony... ... ... things. “But could we keep it down? This is still a library.”
Well. My face was some kind of red.
Eventually, we were able to get some homemade vegetable Lo-Mein served up with a bit of homemade sauce. I was worried I would die of starvation in the time it would have taken me to get the stove wood lit, but that wasn’t much of a problem with a tiny purple dragon at my side. Still, there were enough complications to keep it interesting. I actually had to brew my own damn soy sauce. Thankfully, I had done that a hundred times before working at a Japanese steakhouse in Alabama. So I wasn’t deterred. It wasn’t perfectly similar to the original thing, mostly because I had to make the noodles broad and then cut in half after frying (WHICH WAS TEDIOUS AS HELL!). In less than an hour, though, we had a load of cabbage, bean sprouts, mushrooms, and carrots all mixed up in a pile of soy sauce and noodles.
“That looks angry,” Spike admitted, giving it a fearful glance over the top of my head from his perch on my back.
“Oh, it is angry,” I agreed with him, tentatively poking it with a fork before jumping and screaming in horror.
“AHH!” I faked.
“AHHHH!!!” Spike clutched my mane in horror, screaming with me.
I smiled back at him.
He wasn’t amused. That made it funnier. Tro-lo-lo-lo-looooool~!
“Would you two please stop making such a racket! I’m trying to read!” Twilight snapped as she poked her head inside. She then took a whiff on what was in the air and was suddenly all curious.
“Well, at least it smells like all the noise and effort was worth it,” she said with an eager smile.
“Say please~!” I ordered, serving up three bowls with a noodle spoon thingy.
She happily trotted over, smiling eagerly. “Please~!”
Cuter than a puppy wrestling with a shoe.
And a real lunch was served. I saved myself the biggest portion because Twilight had already had hay and Spike had chomped on a few pieces of jewelry or something to that effect. It wasn’t perfect, but it was still damn good and I was famished. I’m not a big fan of being forced into veganism... or vegtablarism... or whatever it’s called. I never took Theology in college. Nonetheless, if all the dishes tasted this good, I certainly wouldn’t lament it for long.
After looking upon the sloppy pile of noodles and veggies, Twilight took up Spike’s fearful distrust of the chow. It wasn’t until I began to greedily stuff it into my face that they finally took the plunge and tried it. That was mature of them at least, seeing as how I tried their despicable hay. The result was a big fat success! Om nom nom for everypony!
“So,” I said, munching through a mouthful of vegan-stuff, “Twilight, do you have any idea on how I could have gotten here?”
“You mean assuming you aren’t just a crazy unicorn with bizarre talents?” she asked with a laugh.
Spike snickered as he chomped down on his culinary gift.
“Well, from my point of view, I’m still not sure this isn’t all just a dream,” I replied with a laugh of my own, “But now that we’re done pointing out the elephants in the room…”
She shook her head as she tried to replicate the act of slurping up a single noodle after watching me do it. See, there’s an art to that. You gotta ease up at the end, and even that has to be done gradually. If you just willy-nilly go slurping about, you’re going to get what Twilight got, which was a noodle slap right in the nose.
“Twilight, you barbarian,” I huffed sarcastically, pulling the rag off my head and gently dabbing at saucy nose.
She chuckled with a blush and began to reply, but the door was bucked open and slammed against the stopper with a bang. It scared us all into freezing in place as we all turned to face the newcomer.
It was like magic. … Okay, maybe that was a little redundant.
In flew the bluest, coolest, awesomest mare in the world. Twenty-percent cooler than ice and faster than a speeding bullet. The badflank herself, Rainbow “Danger” Dash.
“Twilight, what is taking so long!?” she yelled, frustration marring her lovely face.
She spotted the scene. Random colt wiping sauce off Twilight’s mouth from unknown dish that no doubt smelled delicious and looked angry. She processed that. She ran it through her priority algorithms. Out spewed the questions.
“What are you eating!? Who is thi… Is this your coltfriend! Hah! That’s so cool!” she cried, starting to get all chummy before shaking her head and realizing that she was here for a purpose, “Wait, why are you eating! I sent Spike to come get you over an hour ago! There’s a huge crater in the middle of Town Square!”
We all looked at Spike. He blushed in response before pulling a Twix commercial and stuffing so much Lo-Mein in his mouth that we could not decipher the multitude of excuses that failed to push past the noodlely obstructions.
I looked back at Rainbow Dash and continued with the jaw drop. All the way across the library. Wooooow~! Full on! I’ll stop that now; I apologize.
“Uhhh, no, this is not my coltfriend!” Twilight shoved my hoof away from her, blushing brightly as she swallowed the remaining food in her mouth, “He’s an alien.”
Well, I might as well have been dipped in gold as far as Dash was concerned. That was all she needed to hear before zipping right up to my face and staring at me suspiciously.
“Huh… You sure? He doesn’t look like an alien to me.” She was dubious, and for good reason.
“I… I…” I stammered is what I did!
Perhaps we need a little more context for the kids at home to understand. Bronies have a tendency to take their electronic devices and wrap them in pony themes. Well… I was one of many. I simply took it a little further than most. It started out innocent enough. A few chat avatars changed to Rainbow Dash doing awesome/silly things like flail her tongue about. Then it developed into changing program skins like Google Chrome and Trillian to Dashie’s color scheme. And then came the wallpapers (there were many). Before long, though, I was making WoW toons, Skype Accounts, and Steam names all centered around this prismatic pony. After I changed my seven-page background on my cellphone to the Sonic Rainboom (Which took some effort, I assure you), I told myself that I was done with it and would draw the line here.
That was a week before I purchased a Happy Meal to acquire a Rainbow Dash toy.
Okay, now, we all have embarrassing moments in our lives that we’re not proud of. This was not one of them for me. I mean, yeah, some people will laugh at me. I will smile arrogantly in their faces and declare them jelly! I will never be ashamed about what happened next!
Which was me passing out like a teenage cheerleader at a Justin Bieber concert.
HOWEVER! I will say this! Those ‘awesome’ ponies?! The ones I love so much!? Refused to catch me when I fell! I know because I woke up with a bruise the size of a baseball on the side of my head!
… … … All of my rage and all of its children!