• Member Since 10th Jun, 2014
  • offline last seen Sep 24th, 2014

TheSundewOrder


Hello there ponies! I'm new to this fan fic thing... but I love MLP:FIM so much that I just couldn't help myself. Questions welcome /)*(\

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Sundew Order is the Royal Architect of Equestria. Her duty is to visit and inspect the royal homes all over Equestria. Her most recent mission to to visit Ponyville, a town she has heard much of, to inspect Princess Twilight Sparkle's new castle. On arrival, she is excited and overwhelmed by the welcome and the kindness of the Ponyville ponies, as well the sheer beauty of the little town. And she is especially excited to get a chance to visit the magical princess herself... for Sundew has a problem. She never received her cutie-mark as a child, and though she has hoped and prayed and even found a profession she is ever so good at, the famed mark has yet to appear, leaving her eternally blank-flanked. Can Princess Twilight and her friends help her? Or will she remain humiliatingly blank for the rest of her career?

Chapters (4)
Comments ( 13 )

Seems like you're off to a decent start. Could become an interesting little tale.

You got a good pace, try and keep that up. I myself often fall in the trap of pacing everything rather slowly :ajbemused:

Some small things though:

a-flurry...observing -a boring skill of mine -I

I'm not sure if it's just because you use them for pause/breaks, but it's a bit of an unusual use of - most of the time a , would (in my book) have the exact same effect.

I feel you go a tad overboard in the "shininess" of the landscape, as a guy with English as a secondary language I know how hard it can be to choose the right descriptions, but twice describing Ponyville/surrounding as

place was not only bright, but painfully so

It just seems a tad off.
She's not a nocturnal bat-pony, is she? :rainbowhuh: (Could be interesting though).

Her reactions seems very close to believable, but they do clash a bit with her description of herself, which is not a bad thing, just noteworthy :ajsmug:.

You may want to look at this sentence though

I began to smell apples.
You see, living in the city makes you immune to simple scents in the air such as flowers, rain, ants and, at that very moment, apples.

You got a nice 1st person stile, though you do rely some on people already knowing how things look. Not a bad thing, it just limits your movement range a little (Stuff from the show)

By the way, I like the one with the ants. (You can smell ants? how do they smell? :rainbowhuh: )

All in all, I really wouldn't mind reading how this goes, though, do try make things a little interesting for your readers. :twilightsmile:

This looks amazing! I can't wait until you update it!:raritystarry:

Good start but I did notice a couple of errors.
For starters, it the 'Wonderbolts' not the 'Thunderbolts' and you also had the word 'and' in the same sentence twice.

Well, perhaps you could work on pacing yourself a bit. Like wait until she gets a little better acquainted with them before revealing the 'blank flank.' (Maybe a day or two, story time :raritywink:) Looking forward to more.

4607219 haha... I actually do not believe I wrote Thunderbolts instead of Wonderbolts! *face hoof* bloody hell, that's humiliating. Thanks tho for reading and giving me advice... I sorta kinda feel like I'm forcing drama into this piece where it's unnecessary so yeah, I'll think about leaving the blank flank discovery till later...

Well, I'm wondering what direction this will head into next. :pinkiesmile:

4609023
I think you should consider the placing of the "blank flank reveal" in accordance to how long you will/end up making the story.
Overall, not, not bad. :ajsmug:

i am still waiting for a new chapter because i like the story

Um question: What does Sundew look like? What color is she? all I know about her is that she is wearing a purple suit.

Never mind my earlier comment, should've read further ahead!

So.. Are you going to continue this? :twilightsmile: shame to just leave it undone yeah?

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