Ocean Mist
Joined 8th Apr, 2013 ·
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Not to bad. The story looks good so here's a like :)
Just a heads up your story was added to the Fallout Equestria Group by G-man64. Feel free to PM me if you have any questions!
Why the fuck is this getting downvoted? It's good writing so far, with the exception of a few typos.
I smell hatred...
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No, that's just my dinner. Mhhh, aggressive feelings
Anyways, back to why I came her in the first place:
I have to agree with CM12, I don't see what is so bad with this story. Well written, although some of the paragraphs could be broken up to make things a bit more easy to read (which is totally fine right now). The only issues there might be are things like his PipBuck, which seems to pop out of nowhere to be handy, he never told us he used it before, just when he needed the radio.
The only true issue I have with this chapter is the last sentence:
Your whole chapter you characterize Long Shot as cold and distant, a wasteland sniper, but with this last sentence you made him look... not likable,
I mean the pegasus crash lands right in front of his nose and then she is surprised somepony wants to help her without demanding anything for it. Long Shot started being rude by calling her with her "target name" and she is as friendly as a pony two feet away from death could be. Sure, she doesn't say "Thank you, mysterious stranger", but does she deserve to be called a "bitch" because of that? Hardly.
As for your pegasus OC... I'm not quite sure yet. She says she's not a Dashite, but... I have to see where this goes. There are far too many Dashites in this wasteland
This is very good writing, so I'll give you a like, although the last sentence nearly made me do not so.
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I wrote that last line as more of a self acknowledgement that he is putting himself at a good deal of personal risk by going down to meet Cloud instead of just shooting her or leaving her to fend for herself. He calls her a bitch because Long Shot is frustrated with the circumstances and is not most politically correct pony on Celestia's green glowing earth; and some folk just talk like that.
He called her "White Dashite" because there would be no ambiguity in who he was addressing. It's gets her attention a lot more efficiently than "Um...excuse me, Mister or Miss Enclave pony, or maybe you not Enclave..um pegasus then, if you are out there, and it's alright by you, I'd like to warn you about a pair of not so nice looking raider type ponies heading your way."
Anyway, thank's for reading and thanks for the comments!
I got chapter two written up, but I might go back and see if I can't address a few of the issues you have brought to light. I don't write very often, more of an avid reader, so please forgive me if I make some amateur mistakes.
Again, thanks!
I fucking hate downvote whores. I had this same problem before.
But while the story in itself is not bad, it may be the first impressions people get from the short and long descriptions that are attracting all the assholes. Presention is always key. The SD and LD sound extremely generic, and the SD has a few errors. The SD should say, "What are the ODDS * THAT * they will meet?" See, when people see errors like this at first glance, they are usually turned off by it. Usually, they'll just snort and keep scrolling.
Some will go as far as to simply downvote your story because the way it was presented was unprofessional or not up to par with their standards, which might be the case here. When i had this same problem, I spent hours rewriting my LD and SD until they had a nice ring and an intriguing catch to them. I put large amounts of time into making a first impression, creating cover art for myself as well, so that maybe, just maybe, when someone sees it, they'll pause, squint their eyes for a better look, or by some miracle of God, click that fateful title link. After all that work, the downvote whores stopped.
You see, it's all about making that first impression. My suggestion is to first fix the things people see first, then go deeper into the iceberg.
I learned all this and more from reading the threads over at theSchool for New Writers They've got all kinds of useful guides to read up on.
I have to say it's refreshing to find a fic where raiders are expanded on as more than just mindless murders reminds me of fallout and fallout 2 but I have to say this story has faults
One long shot seems to be the type to watch for days on end while good when it involves just meeting somepony I thought from the opening paragraph he would fall flat on a name for the pegasi
Two please add a seen explaining how he got his hooves on one of the best rifles in equestra
This really isn't that bad, actually it's written fairly well in terms of quality. Also, the story isn't all that bad (for the starting chapter that is). Damn the dislike whores. WHY U DO THIS TO HIM!?
I Really love this story. get a like! I will say that Long Shot can shoot pretty well. dont go making him into calamity now though! (Im gonna say he got that .50 Cal with a lot of caps and a long time of saving up by selling scavenged crap from raider camps around the wastes and im gonna leave it at that
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Great second chapter once again I think Ls is more a thinker then a talker
All FOE fanfics get like 11 downvotes. Some people with a lot of time on their hands seem to go around voting them all down.
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So I've noticed. Thanks for reading!