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Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash have been together for a few years now, living in their own little house in the heart of Ponyville. But tensions rise as the rigorous demands of Dash's newly formed flying team leave only frayed ends of the bond they once shared. Fluttershy feels ignored and neglected, and Rainbow feels unjustly vilified. (Drawing of Fluttershy graciously shared by DeviantArt user maplebrush, and page break image belongs to blackgryph0n.
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This story is truly a piece of writing that should be stored in someone sacred.
I'd read, but it's making my heart ache a bit.
For people who like sadness and grim, read this!
Great job on writing!
~Phinox.
4600585 Thank you so much, that really does mean a lot to me
But I do hope you finish it :p
Moar pls!
I enjoyed this so first off have a
. If I had to offer a bit of criticism it would be to go through and look at your dialogue again. Most of the time time it's great and then a phrase comes along that just jolts me out of that flow you get into when reading a story you like. Some examples:
and
in all three cases you slip into kind of a formal tone that RD and Fluttershy wouldn't use even given the circumstances.
But don't let m criticism overshadow my first point that I really enjoyed this.
5080051 Haha no, it's actually funny you point that out. It was entirely intentional, but you're right about it being a bit out of character. I wrote the first chapter immediately after reading some other older literature because I wanted to try and capture the tone that it had. But because it disrupts the flow like you said, and is a pain to write, I've slowly been slipping out of doing that with each subsequent chapter...I think
. At the same time, I do also have my own slightly altered personalities I want to convey for them, because when I write this out in my head I do it like when I read a fic myself, I try to make everything less cartoon-ish and a bit more 'relatably realistic fantasy world.' I don't know how to explain it lol. But the end idea is that the mane six in this story are intended to be more adult; to act realistically as opposed to having their personalities manipulated or skewed slightly for situational convenience or humor like in the show.
But with all that said, thank you so much for commenting and offering criticism; I'm going to be limiting that excessive formality to only 3rd person narrative lines from here on. I'm very glad you enjoy the story
(Celestia, I don't know how to be concise
)
Any idea if you'll continue this?
6885209 Yeah sorry, I've just been waiting to buy a new laptop, but i actually just finished re-reading it to catch myself up so i can start writing the epilogue within the next couple weeks. It'll only be about 3000 words though. But after that I want to start another story, so keep an eye out, and thanks for reading :)
6892943 Awesome, I'll patiently wait as long as you need.
Not the biggest fan of the ending, but overall the story was great, just the ending... I like happy ending.