- Member Since 14th Apr, 2014
- offline last seen Jan 30th, 2019
TheBlackKirin
I'm Charming Knight: I'm a Kirin. My father is a black dragon and my mother a zebracorn. I can fly and fly without my wings, breath fire and i'm good at magic. So you wanna be friends :)
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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images.encyclopediadramatica.es/thumb/b/ba/Specialsnowflake1.jpg/180px-Specialsnowflake1.jpg
4875364
srry im just curious, what does this meme mean?
4876840
Ever hear the term, special snowflake?
4875364
4878319 ouch, oh wait nevermind thanks
care to explain why the cover art is an image of Dark Repulser and Elucidator from the anime SAO?
4881701 oh they will appear and play a role later on. Oh and do u think the alicorns are dead
4881780 not sure what your talking about, ive only read through the gun gale online arc
4881801 srry mistype doing this on phone. Meant alicorns
4881812 still not sure what you mean by that but ok
Oh and if any who view this are a proofreader, I am lookin for a proofreader msg me if interested
Oh and comment if you would.
.....The Elucidator and Dark Repulser? nice choice of a fic image, but something tells me this probably isn't an SAO crossover.
4956236 correct but they will appear.
4956241
Yeah, I just read a few of the comments. I have a habit of reading them after I post my own.
Anyway, I'll get to reading this at some point
. I've got people bugging me to hop on WoW.
4956251 careful wow is like crack!
4956257
yeah, no kidding. I've only had it back for about a month, and I can't stop playing until 3 am. I've been offline to WoW for three years
4956260 Just dont play to much in one day, playing till 3am is probably normal
Like forgetting to eat, sleep or socialize when u play skyrim
4956274
Isn't that with most games?
EDIT: and I'm guessing that all those downvotes are because you need a proofreader.
4956277 good point... except not sonic 06
4956285
I don't play sonic games much. usually Warframe, Skyrim, WoW, and War Thunder.
fixed the space errors
well the ones i could see and improved some of the grammar, next chapter a wip.
Now, I see some help very clearly showing. It seems there are consistent tenses and such, like ways of description that are both enjoyable and smooth in mental and vocal rehearsal. I noticed a strange lack of variations when it came to common words, however, like 'says' or 'smiled'. I commend your sparse use of words both multisyllabic and generally melodic like 'myriad' and 'mismatch'. Though, when the reader finds frequent verbs, like the infamous 'says' and 'smiles' like high-brow authors like avoiding, it can be jading. More than likely, the people giving you downvotes are clearly a bit more picky with diction and infrequent spelling mistakes throughout the first and preceding chapters.
This intrigued me and I generally did read the first chapter no fuss at all. I recommend whipping your editors' asses and bouncing editing off them. Like alternative solutions to proclaiming a character's vocal action, there are many, many words at your disposal. 'Says' can become 'suggests' and smiles can become 'upward lip tilt'. There are all sorts of miscellaneous solutions you can totally get behind, and you'll feel proud of reinforcing the little, but unappreciated details.
Also. I very much don't Like Sword Art Online, so, I didn't like it because of the crossover. I just enjoyed the writing and imagery.
Oh, and people will complain about the asterisk actions. I myself don't mind because I used to be a large RP person. That sort of thing is common there, but people expect a great epic of modern flow and novel description. So, less like Earnest Hemmingway's "A Farewell to Arms" and more like... well, a very clever, charming professional over a macbook. So, try and make the actions or events without asterisks, but more third-person narrative? It'll ease the flow amazingly well. Well enough for you to write stories like wildfire.
5011903 thank you, but I dont have an editor ha0d to do that on my own. Oh and its not a crossover, the swords just play a role. Maybe I should change the picture
5011934 AAAAH
That's what I get for being neurotic. Still a great idea and execution I don't really find bitter or bad-tasting. Also, I thought you had help with revisions from Mr. Fishy Detective? If you didn't, try and form a relationship that'll break the belt of ties distancing. That way, you can bounce ideas and form waves without abrasing about personal differences.
Pray, I like the song and felt in kinda fit the violence a bit. So yeah, leave a like comment etc yall know the drill. Next will come in time, took a while to right out this fight scene, alternate routes and such but decided to pick this one.
This review is brought to you on behalf of the group: Authors Helping Authors
Name of Story: Apprentice of the Moon: Tales of a teen drake
Grammar 0/10
Pros
*There is a great story here but:
Cons
*GRAMMAR GRAMMAR GRAMMAR its soo bad that I struggled at times to follow what was going on... wrong words, capitulation errors, punctuation missing or incorrect, indents where there shouldn't, and so on
*flipping back and forth from view points so quickly.
Notes Section
Get an editor!!!! I was screaming in frustration by the end of the Prologue alone. I stop reading and began to skim from there. ( I might read more thoroughly later....) I can almost guarantee that your rating would have been flipped if the grammar wasn't so bad. Baring getting an editor (or while waiting to get one) you should had slowly checked before releasing each chapter (like read it out out loud) which should reduce the problem considerably.
I would love this story but I cant until you get a good chuck of the grammar fixed.
Enjoy your review! Please help me out by looking at my story/ this story: The Last Keeper of Harmony
In a large brick lodging, in the center of a village during its annual celebration, a red dragon sleeps during the festivities,she & a large black egg clutched in her arms pressed to her ample chest lightly glowing red, her wavy white spines making no movement as she slumbers.
I like how this sounds but as a sentence its too long.
You need to break up the sentence.
she and a large
I am not sure lodging works, could you try building or castle?
I could see readers wondering what a lodging is.
To help with flow, you need to avoid stuff that will make readers stop and break immersion to understand words.
------------------------------------
The baby dragon is a small and purple with rounded emerald green spines , the same color as her eyes and lacks wings like the dragoness before her, her green frills at the side of her head are angled down as she approaches the sleeping dragon and lightly shaking her shoulder to wake her up.
You need to break this sentence up too.
I suggest one thought per sentence, that makes it easier to follow.
------------------------------
“Mom, can you tell us a story while we wait?” asks Barb innocently, the elder of the pair, a pink filly sits waiting expectantly(.)
Watch out for weird spacing and missing punctuation.
--------------------------------
“Of course,” answers the dragon smiling sweetly, her voice melodic, she places the egg in front of her and places Barb on her left(.)
Who is Barb?
Yeah, I can guess but its much better if you just explicitly said who Barb is and what she looks like.
You use place twice in the sentence, that can get boring.
This might be better:
she places the egg in front of her and motions to Barb to sit next to it.
Tense issues
she placed the egg in front of her and motioned to Barb to sit next to it.
---------------------------
“Come over here Screwball,(sp)you’ll wanna hear too,” beckoning her closer.(s)Screwball smiles and goes over, placing herself on the right side of her mother, snuggling in close.
Who is Screwball?
Does this contradict the earlier sentence where Barb sits next to the egg?
“I guess you could say it all began with the fall of the empire.
We don’t know too much of how it happened or why it occurred, even our oldest living elders have no idea, all we do know comes from the surviving relics we hold from those days , the old scrolls and books.
We only know that it was a tragedy and took many lives but we, the clans and others, were the survivors.”
Uppercase Empire.
You use we a lot and that can get boring.
------------------------------
“The clans are each known as: Incendia, Naga, Ark, Titan, Razor, Styx, and us the Loki. The clans were not always in tune with one another, my children there was once much violence among us.”
This works fine but I think you could make it more interesting by adding a line about each clan. This will help with worldbuilding.
The clans are each known as:
Incendia, masters of flame.
Naga, master of poisons and exlixirs.
etc
-------------------------------
“Well(,) personally I don’t know why there was so much fighting among us; the fighting had being going on long before I was hatched, none of us even remember what started the fighting .”
formatting issues.
----------------------------
Redmoon shrugs her shoulders as she tries to remember why they all fought, she decides to tell her daughters.
You do not have to say what she shrugs.
Who is Redmoon?
You probably should have said who she was earlier in the story.
--------------------
“Now then my little ones, this will more of a tale of how each of you came into this world and how we came to be what we are so it will involve a bit of history(,)” she says with a smile.
said
Most stories are told in past tense.
---------------------
What I have read sounds interesting.
I think the formatting and punctuation errors are making people give you downvotes.
I will come back and finish this chapter.
5192255
thank u this should help with it, also it may u may wanna read more into the chapter, it will explain a bit more in chapter who they are, and how they are connected.
Well (crappy) self-editing done here, now to fix any in chris hansen, and then begin writing a few chapters for this and that.
5230016
oh and apologoes for the crappy edit, let me know where I need correcting. Still need an editor.... and probably a prereader to make sure I keep up the right path
I'm guessing it is bad to be put in rage reviews huh?
This is funny when will there be more chapters
5610663 Soon as editing for the current ones are done. Then i write the next chapter
5610663 Also out of curiosity what did u find funny?
5613233 I don't know I have a very weird sense os humor
5613236 ah k
5613236 just really hope it wasnt the whole rainbow storm thing