After Sweetie Belle gets into a fight with Rarity over her latest "favor" to her sister, she decides to find somepony who appreciates her help. After unsuccessfully helping Fluttershy, she becomes Spike's assistant.
Chapters (3)
- Member Since 10th Feb, 2012
- offline last seen Jan 5th, 2015
GandalfDaGreat
I love The Legend of Zelda, Knife Party, Death Cab for Cutie, and My Little Pony.
GandalfDaGreat
Joined 10th Feb, 2012 ·
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This my first attempt at any type of fanfiction, so constructive criticism will be appreciated. I can't really say when the next chapter will be ready, as I am busy with school, but I have been playing with some Ideas.
Thanks,
Gandalf
Interesting concept, tracking.
I'm a sucker for Sweetie Belle stories, this has a lot of potential, however, I think you'll need to work on dialog a bit. The plot is good, however when you have the ponies talk, it doesn't have the same feel behind it as it should. Rarity needs to be more overdramatic, for example. Just take a look over your dialog and ask yourself if on an episode, they would really say it just like that ^^. Can't wait for more!
c.cslacker.com/3815l.jpg
This story have my attention...
Very good formatting, but please put a blank line between each break. It helps on the eyes. The fight felt rather...abrupt, sort of like a convenience intro to lead into "the plot" The characters feel real though. Could use more Rarity being Rarity, she felt a little lackluster in the drama department.
Solid concept. Waiting to see more.
The dialogue does need some work. I'll reserve judgement on the story until it actually starts. See you after the next chapter!
This concept has promise. Tracking.
GO GO TRACKING DEVICE!!!!
Seriously, this has possibilities.
Okay You got me interest. Lets see where you take this...
Thanks for the comments! Yes I do agree that the beginning could use some work. Now that I see some interest, I may go back and revise it, though maybe not until after chapter two.
I'm pretty much going to echo what everyone else is saying by agreeing that this really is a stellar concept, even if it does need some work in terms of execution. I strongly advise proof-reading for grammar, and read up on some formatting at the Editor's Omnibus for more tips. I'll be looking at this for updates.
I wanna see how it goes from here :3
Update soon my friend!
This could be pretty good. It's not especially well done, but it's definitely not painful to read. The thing you need to work on the most is formatting your dialogue better. Other than that, I'm enjoying it, and tracking. Looking forward to more!
So ask for constructive criticism and ye shall receive. In no ways am I really qualified to do this, but what follows is what stuck out to me.
---
I'm pretty sure it's not something you need to do, but italicizing characters' thoughts is helpful to the reader.
“Well, I tried to ask, but you said you were far to busy, and that I should find something else to do.” Sweetie Belle replied.
Should be "too".
“Sweetie Belle, I do not have the time to argue with you. I have a very important order to finish in time for Thursday’s fashion show, and now I have yo clean up before I can get back to work.”
Would sound better if you cut out "in time", and that should be "to".
“Why whenever I try to help somepony, do I always make a mess?”
> "Why is it that whenever I try to help somepony, I always make a mess?"
“Hmmm. Maybe nopony needs my help, but I know a dragon who might need some help,”
You can cut out the second help. It reads better that way.
companion through the wood of the door
Needs a period.
a moment later,
Needs to be capitalized.
---
In general, a lot of your dialogue is followed by blanked Pony blankly. You don't need this, especially when only two characters are present and it's pretty clear who's talking.
You also tend to switch between contracting and not contracting words, sometimes in the same sentence. Unless you're putting emphasis on that statement, you should just contract. For example, when Twilight says “You can help with Spike’s chores, and I’ll think of someway to repay you once I am finished studying.” It would just read easier as "[…] and I'll think of someway to repay you once I'm finished studying."
And finally, in general, you're a bit repetitive. Avoid using the same word twice in a sentence. Also, show versus tell and all that.
I do have to congratulate you on keeping the same tense throughout the chapter though. I'm not sure how much fan fiction you've read, but sadly for first time writers this is a rarity.
I did some minor edits this morning, but I don't think I'll get to do any hard edits before the second chapter goes up. Honestly this was basically a rough draft, and I am quite surprised at all of the positive feedback.
Thanks,
Gandalf
"Hello all. Camlio here with Rainbow Dash. You said you wanted to say something about this story Dash?"
"Yeah!"
"Oh Didn't see you there Twilight. How's things?"
"Very well thanks."
"Right then back to the grind."
well from what i noticed Rarity talks differently with Sweetie Bell and not with a whole lot of dramatic flair in the show?
i could be mistaken.
Looking forward to the next chapter i can see after a wild spike warming up to her and twice might eventually teach her some basic spells
Finally finished chapter 2!
I know it's like a week late, but I didn't anticipate being so busy over vacation. Anyway, as with part one, constructive criticism is always appreciated. There may be edits made to this chapter soon.
-Gandalf
I have to admit, Sweetie Belle and Spike made the cutest couple at the Royal Wedding. Well maybe besides Pinkie Pie and a Cake.
Great story, is conforting to read a Slice of life once in a while, to much shippin, grmdark and crossover lately make you want to read something like this more sometimes
Its nice to take a break from work and read a nice little slice of life story like this keep up the great work you have my support /)
~Neverknown
Love this story. Keep it up dood!
First off, how exactly does Sweetie Belle carry things? It's not exactly clear.
Sweetie Belle's meeting with Applejack is phrased a bit awkwardly. Also, no one mentions a time for the Crusader Meeting.
"'Hey Sweetie Belle, you ready for some chores?'"
I'm sorry but that phrasing is just terrible. It sounds like she should be responding with "HELL YES!!" though that would be very unlikely.
Also, I hate your use of the word 'chores.' 'Work' or 'workload' would probably be more appropriate. 'Tasks'...
Some of their conversation could use a bit more detail.
Finally, the ending. If I may:
"So," Sweetie Belle said, excitedly hopping off the floor. "When do we start!?"
"Right n-" Twilight collapsed on the floor from exhaustion before she could finish.
Sweetie Belle paused, "Tomorrow it is then!"
See, that's nice and cheeky. :D
Um...is this story ever gonna get finished? Or are you dead? Don't tell me yet another author died. This really sucks!
1152013 I am alive, thank you for the concern though. If you read my most recent blog post I give my rather lame (though true) excuse for why I haven't been writing.
I have in fact started writing again, and I currently have about two pages typed. I hope to have the third installment done in a week or two. Thanks again for the comment, they're what keeps me going (sort of) 
-Gandalf
Thanks to Tyrfang the Writer and JP for editing/prompting/putting up with me, and to everyone who is still interested in this story months later...
YAY! UPDATE!
Twilight: "My mind to your mind."
images2.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20080518203739/memoryalpha/en/images/5/58/Mind_Meld_Spock_Valeris.jpg
It was an amusing read.
So you're not dead?
Good... good...
wait....an UPDATE?
There's a few problems here. First off, the dialogue is still a bit wonky, second, the plot seems to be meandering quite a bit. Is there even supposed to be a plot here?
What?....
Cancelled?....
1918427 I'm sorry, but I have so little time to work on it, that I totally lose focus, and when I come back, the plot wanders away. Not really sure where to go with it. I would like to re-work the final installment into a one-shot. Trying to focus in on an actual plotline XD
1922941
So the plan is to abort and start from scratch? Should be interesting.