What happens when a young male human finds himself in a world of talking ponies and many other strange things? This is my first fanfiction I've ever written and been along while since I've written any stories. I hope you enjoy.
Chapters (3)
Shatter Steel
Joined 10th Jan, 2014 ·
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FYI, I'd take the "This is my first fanfiction I've ever written and been along while since I've written any stories. I hope you enjoy," out of the description and replace it with a little more description of the story itself. It will get you more views if you do that.
Thanks for the advice I appreciate it very much. :D
ill be reading this tonight.
Not bad so far. Let's see what the next chapter will be.
A nice start and looking forward to seeing more.
Nice story
That's Rainbow Dash for ya! Attacking random creatures, making enemys, and screwing up lives!
WOOOOH! Rainbow Dash.
I don't know about anyone else but if a doctor said his name was flat line id panic a little
Okie dokie, I will try to be gentile. Human transported to equestria-check. In the Everfree forest- check. Has high tech equipment- check. Immediately involved with saving misc. pony/CMC from misc. everfree baddie -check. Human attacks manticore/timber wolf/etc... with lower tech equipment even though he has a PISTOL!?! Oh, lets not forget, human is stung/injured by said animals... Oh, and the ponies magically speak the same language the human does-check.
All these things are done to death in HiE stories, not that that is a bad thing... but you need to be careful. There are dozens of stories on this sight alone that start almost exactly like this one. Again, that's not necessarily a bad thing. I mean why reinvent the wheel if you don't have to, right?
Now, easy ways to correct these issues? There are numbers of ways to, in my opinion mind you, the easiest would be to add detail. So our human protagonist wakes up in an unfamiliar area... tell us about it! All we know is he went to sleep in a cave while camping, what did he expect when he woke up? Mostly the flat rolling plains of Kansas? The foothills of the Ozark trails? There is this forest, is it made up of pine? Mighty oak? Redwoods? What does it smell like? Dry, arid, musty, perhaps clean? These would help make the setting yours, and not identical to every other story... As to the human himself, no details whatsoever. Upon reading this, I actually pictured a mannequin wearing jeans and a jacket with some camping gear on a belt. Oh, and why in the hell is wearing a 9mm pistol... with an extra 'box of ammo'? That kinda thing is pretty illegal in most places of the world... Now, if he is actually a hunter, who for whatever reason, wakes up in said situation with his rifle missing... cuz come on, who doesn't snuggle up to a rifle when on a hunting trip... it would make some modicum of sense. Every hunter I know caries a backup pistol when hunting, two of them have stories about how it saved their lives... though I do wonder about how much they exaggerated.
End note, it is not a terrible beginning, just a forgettable one. I am not trying to be mean or rude, just stating that there is no detail to make it memorable... yet. Onward to the chapter...
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6466925 - Nice name.
7224159 well thank you I like stabbing thing(I actually don't stab things)