Good so far, time for me to help you out. *pops fingers and sighs*

PRO'S: Good plot line, an interesting way to get to Eauestria and a seemingly likable character. Another thing is the way you describe, also very good, now for the cons.

CON'S: It seems a little rushed, you need to slow down and describe more things, not just the important things, if it is a second person, make them feel and see every detail. Another is how they get there. Make a reason the old man helps, maybe they save his life or help him out, will he appear again? Leavesome foreshadowing for everyone.

Please consider these and keep on writing.

I just want to know who made that horrible, scary picture.

>>417372417372i put a link in the on it, i found it on devianart

>>417120417120 thanks bunches for the tips.  that was one of the main things i was looking for other than to make a good story

>>417120417120also any ideas for a title and a better summary would be appreciated

>>417605417605

A good title: The Nightmare Continues

Summary:When an old man helps a man and his daughter escape their realm of terror,they think they have finally escaped the terror, until they realizes it came back all too soon, and with a vengeance.

=>>417669417669 wow that sounds awesome.  nice and mysterious but gives an idea of what to expect.  i like it!

>>417708417708

Exactly, I'm working on a secret project and decided to help some others while I do it.

>>417989417989

a secret! i love secrets! you can tell me!

>>418073418073

I'm only telling the characters I want in, sorry.

Oh sh*t. ZECORA!

while searching for stuff to make some of her potions,

she entered a cave with little or no notion

of what lies in wait for her just on the inside

of that cave, and i wonder... did she died?

i have a feeling that i am slowly losing my sanity writing this and doing research for it

FUCK! zeccy!

I WILL MURDER YOU FOR THIS!

>>517677517677

>>517758517758 no pinkamena. Put the katana away.

*le pulls out Two plasma saws*

*le gives one to pinkamina*

Here is what you should use!

When did pinkamina get a katana?  

When did pinkamina get a katana?  >>517677517677Not my fault SHE made me do it, the steps.... Remember the steps (not related to plot line(lol jk. one will go insane))

>>518834518834 it's pinkie. Don't ask.

Oh my god!

Step one: crawl into the dark machine

Step two: screws in tight, all around!

Step three: ???

Step four: stick a needle in your eye!

Well at least no ponies will die for a while yet.

as editor...

Pinkiepiepiper = PinkiePiedPiper

Thrid = Third

>>533825533825

they will if you read my story...

>>535031535031what would i do without you?

>>536518536518

you would go insane from other people hating on your mistakes.

thumbs up simply for the number that it would make.

>>535038535038NO!

*bitchslap*

>>539120539120 hay! no one bitch slaps my editor but me

>>554486554486i bitchslap anyone who makes good ponies die!

so!

Image: http://ts3.mm.bing.net/images/thumbnail.aspx?q=4814036115719390&id=b711fef9cc158313454cd54ed1e2e486

>>417577417577

uh do you need a young male oc? if so heres all his info

deadspace oc

oc info

Jesus CHRIST that guy Shows no mercy!

Lol. And Isaac's just an engineer. Imagine what one of their soldiers would have done. I wold be happy because both of the so called "princesses" wold be dead, the mane 6 dead, and the "royal guards" dead. Please have Isaac kill every last pony. It would make me happy because they arrested him. If ponies arrest humans I get mad.

>>680074680074 the main character is not Isaac, he is a survivor of the sprawl, but not Isaac

>>680074680074in chapter one it is written that he was born on a ship leaving titan station, also Isaac was born in 2465 making him almost 70 at this point

Oh. Sorry, I can't remmber much of the previous chapters because I read them a very long time ago and have since then read many more fanfics and got all the Fallout New Vegas DLC's and beaten all the Fallout 3 DLC's.

>>680412680412It ok

Celestia is a goddess. She can't die. She can only get severely injured.

>>680412680412

dude me too! i got the game again that comes with the dlc. its was cheaper that way.

>>682038682038If if it bleeds, it can be killed

I bought the New Vegas DLC's. My older brothers let me have their Fallout 3 and New Vegas discs. They had game of year for Fallout 3 but had to buy DLC's for New Vegas.

>>684353684353 Lot's of things can bleed. Do you ever study Greek Mythology? Greek gods could bleed, yet they could not be killed. Why? Because they were gods and goddesses. Being immortal doesn't remove the ability to bleed, it removes the ability to die. Celestia is a goddess, giving her immortality. She can bleed, but she can't die.

>>687803687803 Ah! but that's the problem, the ponies worship Celestia and Luna and think they are gods, but in the hearth's warming eve episode i believe it was said that the unicorns raised the sun and the moon.  So, in theory, any unicorn strong enough could raise the moon and the sun.  I'm working off the basis of the whole 'immortality' thing as just living a long-ass time.  And because everyone thought that they were immortal means that no one tested to see if they could die.    God i am such a clear thinker at midnight  

>>687851687851 That does make sense. What I question is how anypony can live thousands of years without immortality, unless this story is correct.

>>687914687914 I have never read that story in my life but... it does explain a lot...(and my theory goes for discord as well... NONE SHALL BE SPARED!)

>>688007688007 WHY DISCORD!? WHY!!!!????

Image: http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-WKigMNoS6FM/T3010zrOwAI/AAAAAAAAA8w/6lRSkzOAoJ8/s1600/why%2521%2521.jpg

KILL ALL THE MUTHAFUCKIN PONIES NOW!!!!!!!!

>>13622781362278 patients my friend, don't want you to get a knot in your underpants

>>13622781362278

i know a story that kills em all...

mine!

Oh god why not a tormentor D:

now all we need is a hivemind and the circle will be complete :D

>>14064491406449

You...

You bitchslapped me chapters ago! now ive found you...

...

did you read my story?

i promise nothing bad happened.

>>14166321416632 whoops, I afk'd from fimfiction fir like two months, so I didn't sorry,

heheh, I have pinkie on my side, nothing can kill me :D

>>14191031419103

i am pinkie, and you are right. i AM on your side.

i forgive you for the slap, and not reading my story.

it isnt done yet, but im pretty happy with it so far. read it if you like, im not pushy.

>>14191031419103

i dont know how to respond to your fave message, but thanks for it!

glad you like it.

>>14208191420819 how darest thou lie to us, we shalt show no quarter unto thou!

>>14279301427930

its not like i pinkie promised or anything!

>>14290621429062 you said that nothing bad would happen, now the cmc are dead, rarity got headshotted, flutters got raped and beaten, applejack got maimed, and you gave Steve a pip boy with only the map function! you bastard!

>>14434821443482

ill play nice next chapter