Quietly fending off story backlogs, house sized spiders and responsibility in general since 2014.
A revised version of my first fanfic.The Great Dragon Migration has passed and the princesses are in Celestia's room when they are interrupted by the appearance of a strange unicorn, who is ranting about Discord...
DISCLAIMER: I do not, in any way, own the show My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic or any of the characters that belong to the aforementioned cartoon. Rights for MLP:FiM belong to Hasbro, Lauren Faust, and anyone else I’m forgetting to mention.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Sounds good, just slow down,
Hey kiddo. Yeah, I can tell you're young and new at this. I like what you've got here: Clear expression of scenes and events. Mark that down as my weak point. Anyway, here are some things to pay attention to: Spelling. Not a big issue, but "barley" when you mean "barely" is easily marked down as a spell-checking miss. Just something to watch. The best solution is to re-read until you're sick of the piece, and then re-read it again. No joke.
Noticed also that you express numbers inconsistently. (Yes, that's an incomplete sentence, I'm doing it deliberately.) This is creative writing, if you want to use the number character instead of the word, it has to make sense, so you can go right ahead. The trick is consistency and context. Good use of numbers means using the word form in narrative and dialogue, unless you're making a point by doing it differently.
I see a lot of typographical errors, and a few mistakes in punctuation. The best solution here is to look up the rules if you're not sure what to do. I enjoy how you express the mane (main) character's mental and physical state, but he's the only pony who receives that treatment. Level of detail means a lot, and would have a big impact on your pacing as well.
It's natural to become impatient and want to move the scenes on. Excitement carries us as writers as much as it we hope it will our readers. That being said, consistency in presentation will draw your readers in. We like a smooth ride. What I'm saying is, write as little or as much as you want, just keep the narrative at a consistent level, presenting the same type of information in each scene. That being said, less is fine, if you need to keep the reader in the dark.
I hope that proves to be of some use to you.