LethalAurora
Joined 26th Nov, 2012 ·
Offline
Stats
Page generated in 0.085 seconds
Total duration
933 users online
1,211,647 hits today, 2,004,447 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
Oh hello mage! I has FOE sotry tooz
Cool. I'm liking how this is going so far. Although, it's always kind of irritated me that, despite everypony who leaves a stable meeting an ostensibly horrible fate/end, the protagonists of most FoE stories do just fine. Additionally, they don't ever return, which makes their stable, no matter how many friendly ponies it may have contained, seem somewhat shallow in that what's going on in it almost never comes up again and has no bearing on the story. Hopefully this one breaks the mold at least a little bit.
Pretty sure there's an extra space there.
A pegasus? That's interesting. Hopefully that'll be elaborated on later...
That looks ugly. Not in terms of content but in terms of punctuation. Might consider redoing it. The same concern applies multiple times in Feather Note's dialog.
In general, I'd put the ~ before the question mark to keep the format going.
Tense needs a little switching there. It should be past tense based on what's indicated, not present tense.
I'm not quite sure what happened there. A transition? If so, try bolding it or otherwise marked it as different from the rest of the text.
Oh, and after the above text the paragraph spacing seems to go all wonky. Might just be me though.
Same tense complaint as before.
Right, so I'm not going to quote the entire recording, but in general it should be marked as separate from the general narration somehow. Another complaint is that the description could use some work. Ice seems like she has very little at this point.
As that's in dialog I'll let you get away with that, but in the future try and avoid using two contractions in one word.
Capitalize We'd for obvious reasons.
Not sure how many times this happened before I caught it, but you don't need a space after a comma when it's at the end of dialog.
Same tense error again, which is okay because it's easy to make.
And two final things to point out.
The first being, what is even happening with Ice's thoughts here? They're said by the narrator with little to no emphasis on them. They would use a little more emotion, as that's primarily what most thoughts are.
The second thing, of course, is what is with the dull monotone voice Ice is speaking with? Is that on purpose, or is it on accident?
As for an actual review, well, I enjoyed it. It was good, lots better than other things I've read tonight, so bravo. Bravo indeed. I'll be watching this!
Just so you know your story was added to the Fallout Equestria Group by G-man64. Feel free to PM me if you have any questions!
As the winter winds litter London with lonely hearts, oh the warmth in your eyes swept me into your arms...
4459324 I'll be fixing some of these, thank you for catching them~ as for the few things you quoted for having the tenses wrong; they're intentional. These things are true from the day the narrator is narrating. It is a continuous truth, this the tense is correct. It did not happen or used to happen, it is still happening. It'd be false to use these tenses if at any point in my story I changed these truths, like there'd suddenly be no fee or if Dice willingly makes eye contact.
Feather Note's speech is supposed to look a bit messy as she speaks in a yucky, singsong voice. I'm trying to illustrate it through her dialogue, which is hard. x3
It's Dices way of speech. She puts in extra effort to talk and act as proper as she can, despite not being a high class pony no more
The narrator is an omnipresent being, not Dice, so it's supposed to be emotionless but informative. :3
I also think the description is fitting to the story, can you say any places where it contradicts the story?
4460336 Wacha quoting there? owo
4459537 Thank you kindly! <3
4460428 Winter Winds by Mumford and Sons. Pretty good song.
Dang it, Mage, now you have Fallout: Equestria taking over my life again by making this fanfic as good as the original. I hate you and love you at the same time. This must be how Helga Pataki feels.
Kidding aside, this is a very good first chapter. About on par with the first few chapters of the original Fallout: Equestria. And you should know what high praise that is. Only thing you need to watch out for is redundancy. You remind the reader a little to often that Ice Dice is drop-dead gorgeous. We got it the first time; especially the male readers (rimshot). It isn't to big a problem, but if you didn't know it was there, it could get worse.
I've thought about doing an FOE fanfic, but I want to get my own fanfic completed first. Yeah, I have an extensive one that I'll start in June, if I can secure a prereader or two before then.
4460427 Good to know you realized that Ice's way of speaking was, well, boring.
And the tense issue I was having, it's hard to represent events that are still happening in an omnipresent narration, so I forgive you.
You might try redoing those sections so they indicate it's still happening without much obstruction. I would much rather read these events have always cost a fee than these events always cost a fee. Might just be me though.
As for Feather's dialog, I can't think of a better way to represent that without dropping the ~s entirely, so continue on as is if you want.
Well, honestly, you don't have to heed any of my advice. I'm just the reader, not the author.
4462623 I didn't realize it, I fully intended for it to be the way it is! x3
And thank you for the offers to help~ I took some advice, but some things I'll keep the way I like it. c: I appreciate your effort, though! ♥ And thank you for reading~
4461260 Oh gosh oh gosh, that's too much praise, I'm unworthy! /)w(\ I would never consider my work as good as the original, I really can't accept the praise. ;u;
Ah, as for the redundancy; I only called her pretty once and lovely 2 times, but those compliments happened kinda close too each other, so I can see why you'd think it was redundant. I'll remove one 'lovely' :P it does read a lil weird at the beginning~
4462771 It's within my nature to try and help people. Even though I may not be the most reliable source of information when it comes to writing.
See: My only story
This is a good start. Good story flow, for an intro, and good early character development. Keep up the great work!
4462795
Like I said, it wasn't a big problem. I was just nitpicking. And I wouldn't be a reviewer if I didn't pick at nits.
That was a fun read I can not wait until the next chapter!!
so far so good
this is an interesting story, I look forward to seeing more of it! Despite a few spelling errors here and there (I counted maybe 2 or 3) This is well made.
4572929 I'd love it if you would let me know the errors the next time you find any~ x3 And thank you!
It seems a bit heavy-handed at times, unnecessarily stressing or reiterating what the reader should already understand. But even so, I do like this so far. I just have high standards~
I'll give it a fave and gladly await any future updates.
Also, is it bad that I read Dice as having your voice? Maybe a bit lower, but that's pretty much how I picture her. lol
how often will you update?
strong start, no fire or explosion, just the main character being a normal pony under poor circumstances, which actually gets me to like the character before she travels off into the wasteland.
side note, the main character from my story would so end up with a send off, or be stuck in low-class.