We all know the events occurring with Nightmare Moon 1000 years ago, but before that? How did Celestia and Luna gain their positions as rulers of Equestria?
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Nova Critical
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Dayum this plot trains going fast
Okay, so, I re-did the first chapter, I realize it went a bit too fast. So I revised it and added a few things. Big thank you to Soren, hope you all enjoy the story!
oh you got me excited now!
Great first chapter! Here are a few comments. (By the way, I hereby fully admit that I am prone to many of the same issues with my stories!)
- the characterization of Twilight as ambitious is a bit far fetched. She has been mostly reactive to Celestia's demands, and usualy the ambitious are a bit more all about their own agenda.
- this does move a bit fast in the second section. There isn't time for the reader to get any feeling about, or for, Jackson, and thus the impact of his death is reduced.
- I find the fact that they didn't know the identity of the survivor before the meeting very hard to beleive. I suggest you drop that aspect of the scene and focus more on the anxiety of the prior relationship as a way of building tension before the meeting, and as a device to flush out the relationships between the sisters and their brother (as I am frequently reminded - show, don't tell.)
You know what - this could make the discovery of their respective identities so much more impactful for the readers! I would also recommend you think about dropping the 'hint' Luna gives at the end of the first segment by calling Celestia "High Regent".
Otherwise, I love the concept and plot so far.