When Cerberus briefly left his post at the gates of Tartarus Tirek wasn't the only one to escape. This is the tale of that ancient prisoner's journey across Equestria and its pursuit of a single goal: the death of Discord.
Chapters (10)
- Member Since 11th May, 2014
- offline last seen Jun 6th, 2020
OutofCuriosity
Just a writer wanting to tell stories
OutofCuriosity
Joined 11th May, 2014 ·
Offline
Also LikedSimilarAuthor
- Brony Tron · 14k words · 27 7 · 1.1k views
- YeetingHunter · 2.6k words · 52 5 · 1.6k views
- Lady Maria · 2.6k words · 49 22 · 2.6k views
- Dragonlover553 · 4k words · 52 26 · 2.8k views
- Doctah WAAwee · 26k words · 58 8 · 1.7k views
- The Lich King · 7.3k words · 76 6 · 3k views
- Kaffeina · 23k words · 79 16 · 4k views
- Spike the Scribe · 248k words · 49 9 · 1.8k views
Featured In8
The Writers' Group56,365 stories ·9,290 members
Supporting Original Characters4,072 stories ·1,823 members
I Just Want a Comment15,697 stories ·3,671 members
Dragons653 stories ·683 members
- Dragon's Hoard580 stories ·655 members
The Shameless Self-Promotion Bureau49,201 stories ·5,456 members
Keepers of Power540 stories ·730 members
- Undertaker Of Story's202 stories ·4 members
Join our SubscribeStar to remove these adverts!
Join our SubscribeStar to remove these adverts!
Stats
Page generated in 0.159 seconds
Total duration
596 users online
744,986 hits today, 1,822,946 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
Somebody comment already, I'm going crazy from lack of feedback here.
Hey there! An interesting start. I'm not sure if Aduro's power is reality manipulation, creating pocket dimensions where only the laws he wants exist, or some sort of illusion that's so powerful it affects things as though it was real, but I'm sure that will be explained later. I also liked the mini explanation of how Tirek got loose. Anyway, in spite of the fact that I liked this, you wanted constructive criticism, so here we go:
You'd think someone would have explained to Aduro that they would need to rip his wings off. You might want to throw in a sentence or two where a couple of changelings pull on the chains until the wings get ripped away, and/or mention that he starts bleeding from the stumps, just to hammer home that this was a rather painful thing for him. It would also make passing out seem more justified.
One other thing:
Queen Chrysalis watched as Cerberus, the three-headed guard-dog patrolled the tunnel leading into Tartarus. She smiled to herself as she transformed into the spitting image of Princess Celestia. The fake Celestia stepped from her hiding place in a small cluster of trees and called out to Cerberus in a perfect imitation Chrysalis had perfected by hiding in the crowd at one of Celestia's many speeches.
I would recommend removing "perfect" from the above paragraph, so it doesn't seem like you're repeating the word.
More interesting developments. It's starting to seem like my theory about Aduro being an illusionist was correct. I also like that he isn't a complete one-note badass, like many OC's, especially in adventure stories. Stating that his max power was near one of the princesses, but that he has gotten a lot weaker during his imprisonment makes him seem like a reasonable threat, but not an impossible one, and gives some context for just what a challenge he has in store for him, wanting to kill Discord.
Anyway, here are the few typos I could find (I hope this helps):
"I am grateful for the aid your Majesty, but I would have preferred not having my wings torn off by your servants in the first place. Now, if we could skip the false pleasantries and discuss what exactly you want me to do. I dealt with enough of those the few times Celestia dropped by Tartarus," said Aduro ignoring the look of mixed anger and disbelief on Arachne's face. Chrysalis, in stark contrast to her underlings, didn't bat an eyelash at the blunt statement.
"Transparently," answered Aduro. He took this opportunity to survey the surrounding landscape. For miles in every direction except north there was nothing but flat bare dirt and rocks for miles. In the north however, Aduro saw a rather large hill and even further in the distance, almost invisible, was a city built on the side of a mountain. Canterlot, I'd always pictured it smaller from the way Celestia described it Aduro mused.
And yet, the very reason I'm able to enjoy this calm is that I'm heading to Canterlot to disrupt the peace of this land, Aduro thought to himself. But it will be a temporary disruption, he reminded himself. Even if the changelings prove to be cruel masters, time will see them gone, and the world will be forever free from the taint of Discord. He continued to stare at the passing landscape for awhile then covered himself with the blanket and fell back into sleep.
Thank you for the constructive criticism, now I can fix the problems I knew were present but couldn't see myself. Also I'm glad to hear I'm not a completely incompetent writer.
4716675
With pleasure.
New theory, Aduro's power allows him to manipulate light. Illusions are a part of that, but it also lets him generate lasers (they are just light, after all).
Random note: in the comic series, issue #4, Chrysalis tells Twilight that she's going to drain all the love out of her, and that Twilight will then drain the love out of her friends. The obvious implication being that Twilight will have become a changeling. That's probably what would have happened to Shining Armor if the invasion had been a success. No, I don't think you need to change anything in your story because of that. I just thought you might find it interesting.
Anyway, typos:
"I said getting ready for a normal wedding is stressful enough, I can't even imagine what a royal wedding entails. If it was me I'd be a absolute a nervous wreck by now. Well, I won't keep you from a good night's rest anymore, Princess," said Lumber Mill, as he magically opened the doors to Cadence's bedchambers. Cadence nodded in thanks and entered the room, letting out another yawn.
"There's no need for that, I saw everything," said a voice just behind Aduro. Turning he saw an image of the changeling queen in the guise of Princess Cadence. "Hearing you talk one would think defeating an alicorn was a nigh impossible feat and yet there you are, standing overing an unconscious princess," said Chrysalis an amused smirk on her disguise's face.
"She doesn't know me, an advantage I won't have over the other Princesses. Now let me do the job you ordered me to do. Also I'd like to request more changelings to assist me. I'd prefer to have too many helpers than too few when the Princess tries to force her way out." Aduro explained, a paragon of militaristic discipline and control.
"I haven't got the faintest idea Shining," said Chrysalis, her face the paradigm of innocent confusion. Internally, she was rejoicing. All according to plan.
Looking forward to the next update!
4719751
Relax, you aren't incompetent at all. It's just kind of random luck that determines which stories get attention, so don't be so down on yourself. I'm looking forward to your next chapter, by the way. I hope to see it soon!
Finding out that Aduro used to be friends with Celestia and Luna was a surprise, but it also provides some interesting character development. I'm curious to see where this all is headed. Anyway, here are all the typos I could find:
"What!? What kind of question is that? The love of my life is getting married to a bug impersonating me, in order to drain the love out of him and take over all of Equestria and you need to ask why I'm doing everything in my power to break out of here and rescue him?" Cadence asked furiously stomping her hoof to punctuate her point. Despite her show of anger, a slight tremor of fear laced her exclamation, something that didn't go noticed by the dragon.
Maybe Aduro is right. What kind of pony am I to lose sight of what is truly important to me: saving the love of my life... Wait a minute, why does he care? Cadence asked Aduro as much and it was the dragon's turn to blink in surprise.
Cadence was speechless, taken aback by the passion in his words; a passion as fierce as her own desire to escape. A large part of her wanted to yell obscenities at him, an equally large part was seriously considering the questions he asked, and a small part just wanted to run away screaming her head off. The terrified voice was quickly silenced and the angry part fought the thoughtful part for dominance. Eventually the two parts came together and she reached a conclusion, Aduro is convinced he is doing what is best for the greater good and is unlikely to be persuaded from it.
Wow, I suck at responding in a reasonable amount of time, don't I? Anyway, I actually really liked this chapter. The pacing, characterization, and story developments are all very well done and quite compelling.
It was sad, in a “You wrote a good scene there” way to see Celestia feeling so upset over Twilight attacking 'Cadance.' As a mother figure, it must have been really hard on her to see her adopted daughter reduced to tears by her beloved pupil. I think we're sometimes unfairly harsh on Celestia for getting angry at Twilight in that scene, but I think it was justified. I was a bit confused over why Celestia and Luna kept calling her 'Cadenza' though. The real Cadance seems to greatly prefer going by 'Cadance.' Then again, Chrysalis kept insisting on 'Princess Mi Amore Cadenza,' so maybe this was Celestia and Luna trying to find a middle ground.
Cadance doesn't get much development in the show, even though they fix that somewhat in the comics, so it's fun to see her learning, planning, reflecting on things, etc as she works to escape from her prison. Also, I loved her use of the Want It Need It spell.
I was a bit confused by Aduro thinking, She dared to use mental magic? Is it because he sees that as an insult, or that it's hard to use correctly, or because it has a low success rate and he's surprised she would take a gamble like that?
You know, I honestly wasn't sure who I wanted to win in the battle between Luna and Aduro. That's a good thing, by the way. It means that you've managed to make both characters sympathetic and likable. The fact that she calls him something (Lucere) else indicates that he went through some change of heart at some point in the past, and started using a new name. It's also likely that he was Luna's friend at some point, based on the way they act towards each other. Did she know that he was locked up in Tartarus?
By the way, was that tearing sound as Aduro fell his wings?
Anyway, sorry again that I took so long to respond. College has been a colossal pain in the flank lately.
I'd change 'went' to 'gone', but that's just a matter of personal style.
It was cool how Luna saw the changeling transform, but pretended otherwise in order to figure out how long that assistant had been a changeling in disguise.
I'm guessing that the tearing was that Aduro felt near the end of the last chapter was when he lost his wings. If so, I'm surprised he didn't bleed out. There wouldn't have been anything to cauterize the wounds, and certainly no one bandaged him up. Then again, you can just say that it's dragon toughness at work, or some internal magic, or something like that. What caused that dark stain that he saw on his back? At first I thought it was a scorch mark, but I can't see how Shining Armor's spell could have done that. My current theory is that it's the stain from his dried blood. Just a thought, could Aduro breathe fire on his wounds to cauterize them? If he's immune to heat, it could at least be used to clean out the wounds before wrapping them up. My best guesses for the temperature of dragonfire in MLP put it between 4 and 5 thousand degrees Fahrenheit (based on the metal lock Spike melted in Inspiration Manifestation). No bacteria is going to survive temperatures like that. Actually, can Aduro breathe fire? It just occurred to me that I'm not sure if we've ever seen him do it before.
You certainly know how to keep the main character interesting. Most authors make the mistake of letting their OC be insanely powerful with no real limits on their abilities, or in the case of Slice of Life OC's, everyone loves and focuses on them for no apparent reason. Aduro, on the other hand, is an action character with clearly defined limits and weaknesses. Fighting on more or less equal ground with Luna is still very impressive, but the fact that he lost and has been further weakened by the loss of his wings only makes his goal of killing Discord seem all the more daunting. Put in other terms, Captain America is cool, but Captain America with a vow to kill someone as powerful as Superman is far more interesting, because you have no idea how he's going to pull it off.
The mention of someone named 'Kolran' is a nice teaser for his past, but I think the way Aduro mentions him/her could use some improvement. In the paragraph before, Aduro reflects that he's at a disadvantage and needs to get away as quickly as he can, consoles himself with the thought that they won't know to look for him on the ground until they find his wings, and then morbidly thinks that it won't take them long, knowing his luck lately. Then he thinks, Didn't I do something similar to Kolran before I... Stop. And for the life of me, I can't figure out what he's referring to with 'something similar'. Running away from something, maybe, or looking on the ground, but I can't be sure.
Anyway, I'm guessing that Kolran was someone very important to Aduro (lover, close friend, family member, etc), who died a long time ago. From what Aduro was thinking, it's possible that Aduro himself is the one that killed him/her, most likely while being influenced by Discord. If so, it would explain why he's so determined to kill the draconequus, which I've been wondering about since this fic started.
As for the prospect of Aduro surviving in the wilderness, does he need gems to survive, or can he get by on meat, plants, etc? His abilities would make him a powerful hunter, so feeding himself that way wouldn't be a problem. Also, some people have theorized that dragons can smell, sense, or otherwise detect gemstones. It would certainly explain how the larger ones always manage to get so many of them. If Aduro has some ability like that, and based on the number of gemstones in Equestria, he should be able to stuff himself with minimal effort.
It's cool that Celestia and Luna are kind and forgiving leaders, while at the same time being smart and effective. Not a lot of authors seem to realize that it's possible to be both.
Is there any particular reason why all previous (that I can remember) scenes with Aduro used male pronouns for him, but now we're switching to female ones?
Based on the memories of the Ursa Major, Aduro used to help ponies out with their problems. I kind of got that feeling from his/her conversation with Luna earlier, but it's nice to see it reinforced.
A rock farm. That would probably be a good place to look for gems, but I thought Aduro decided that he wanted to avoid stealing from towns (I'm assuming farms count as part of the town in his/her mind). Maybe (s)he's just hoping to collect enough of them at once to be able to get away from the town and lie low for a while.
Good to see the new chapter up! As I mentioned in the PM, I'm curious to see what Aduro will do next, and what exactly this alliance with the changelings will entail. I'd also love to see more of Aduro's backstory. Specifically, what got him/her locked up in Tartarus in the first place. Celestia and Luna are clearly not fans of killing in general, but I can't see them imprisoning Aduro just because he wants Discord dead. Heck, after all the crap he did, I can't even see them objecting all that strongly.
You will get more attentiion to your story if you put it in folders
I wonder who is down in Tartarus? So many creatures and bizarre things that have been locked away they turned into myths and legends even. I'll definitely have to give this a read now.
NEED MORE NOW
well... I want to see him get hit by the elements and nothing happen.
FINALY!
please continue! Please?
It's good to see a new chapter! Keep up the good work!
I can not blame him/her for wanting revenge.
And that's the background story to Cerberus leaving his post and Tirek getting free.
An interesting start I guess, but one flaw (which is present in a lot of written literature, is how each character speaks and even thinks in such a way as to not present any vital exposition, in this case about Aduro's abilities, delaying the moment of truth for the next chapter, or the chapter after that. Perhaps Chrysalis' thoughts about some of the other legends passed down amongst Changeling-kind on the denizens of Tartarus would do for good background filler?
I'm getting the feeling that 'never tickle a sleeping dragon' is going to be a rather apt statement here given Aduro's introspection here and his shown talent with illusions thus far. Whereas Changelings are presumably fairly restricted in their illusionary abilities to merely disguising themselves, I assume he can do a lot more external illusions instead. But, as Chrysalis notes, he needs to be a little bit less of an eyesore with his disguise. The only way it could've been worse was a red-and-black alicorn no doubt.
Looks like Aduro did a good job of basically humiliating Cadance. The best part is that even in the event he loses, he still leaves her an emotional self-doubting wreck with his final parting shot at her:
Yeah, what I mentioned about the exposition trap in Chapter 1 is getting to be a bigger annoyance here. Aduro's backstory is being completely dovetailed around despite Cadance realising who he is and a letter from both Princess Celestia and Luna, as to any deeper reason behind his wishing to kill Discord, how he would do it, and whatever act it was that got him committed to Tartarus for 1800 years.
Looks like the Changelings had a bit better of a time running amok in Canterlot this time than in Canterlot. Too bad there'll be a Deus Ex Machina throwing all of them away. Of course, if Aduro manages to work up any emotion at all over Luna's trap then he won't be holding back when a Princess comes for him next, fighting to outright cripple instead of just wound.
Let's see, narrative convenience says he probably landed in the Everfree or possibly the Whitetail Woods close to Ponyville because of course that's what just about always occurs.
Well well well. Looks like Aduro will find herself a good place at the Pie Family Rock farm, or at least some food.
I have to wonder if her ability to not be harmed by Ursas is her light-manipulation magic. There's never really been any discussion of whatever it is Ursa Minors and Majors are, but I like to think they're less animal and more ethereal spirit forged from star-material, which would be nullified against anything that's able to bend light.
Aduro really lucked out. If Maud had a chance to land even a single hit on him he would've been imprisoned right away since with her God-Maud activated one hit was all she would've needed.
If Pinkie Pie is visiting the family farm, then the events of Magic Duel are partly her fault for completely failing to mention Trixie's presence on the farm to the rest of the Mane 6.
Finally getting some backstory.
It would seem that Pinkie Pie managed to make her way back to Ponyville rather quickly, again without mentioning a thing about Trixie. Twilight's research sessions might be delayed several days as a result!
Hmm. I wonder if Chrysalis or one of her followers figured out something while working with Aduro to keep an eye on him even when he was invisible, or if this Changeling just lucked out and noticed something really off about Aduro and was able to track him through that.
Honestly, I'm just surprised that Aduro wasn't all "Oh, you went nuts and threatened Eternal Night and only got banished for a thousand years, while I merely killed a few dozen ponies and tried to kill Discord and got imprisoned for 1800 years with no end in sight." Well, I guess he was surprised at the time to work up a coherent snarky response like that.
You still alive?
Ehh probably the last one
Yeah that is going to get him/her into trouble later
The problem here is that Aduro is fully aware of the fact that if they meet face to face and if Celestia and Luna see no other alternative then to send him/her back to Tartarus then he/she won't be able to stop them, and since she/he has already stated that she/he would rather die then go back there it makes it too big a risk to ever accept their offer since it is unlikely that they would ever really agree on the subject of Discord.
In short: As long as the risk of being sent back to Tartarus exsits he/she will never appear before Celestia and Luna unless forced to.
that can be a reason to release Discord and reform him so quickly 
Oh
"Make it impossible for Aduro to actully kill Discord by making Discord capable of defending himself"
From a he to a she congratulations you ruin the entire story.