- Member Since 24th Jan, 2012
- offline last seen 7 hours ago
Relhon
Just a brony from sweden... Not much else to me sadly...
Relhon
Joined 24th Jan, 2012 ·
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This is a very interesting Fanfic, I very much love the concept. May I ask permission to do an audio book of it?
4547996 Thanks a lot! And yes you may.
Sorry about the next chapter taking so long. My summerwork haven't been very nice too my free time.
I'm interested in this. Haven't read it yet, but I'l be sure to keep it for later.
Only a few spelling mistakes in the description, but seeing as I'm a repeat offender of bad typos, and I believe a story is better than the few mistakes made in the telling, it's not really put me off to the story.
So, if you don't have one already, I'd suggest pre-reader/Editor. I'm not sure how many typos are in the actual story, seeing as I haven't read it yet, but if I'm to assume it's like the description, then a pre-reader or editor is a must if you continue this story.
-Burdy
PS: You have no idea how many typos I made in this post. Seems like every time I try to criticize someone on their typos, my keyboard decides to show me I'm no better.
PPS: I also offer my own services as a pre-reader/editor if you need them. I'm not the best, but I'm available.
Ultra PS of Science: I was trying to find this again earlier so I could read it on my phone while I was busy, but I couldn't remember the name or anything about it. Found it now, though.
5041104 Squee! I get feedback!
Thanks a lot! I do actually have a editor (The chapter was much worse before) but thank you for the offer. Second chapter should be out soon. Just need a way to end it.
5043575
Oh, that's great. I am really excited to see what becomes of this story. Good luck with it.
Hey and welcome to project revival, where I go around poking and proding old FoE stories in the hope that some feedback will get them back in action again!
I would like to start out with why I choose this story as the first in the project, its so rare to see horror in FoE, and I think this is the first time that I have seen "true horror" and not just grimdark chapters or gory stories. With how the setting of FoE is sat up is it perfect for horror, a lot of bad stuff are lurking in the wasteland after all, and one can only think about how many horific things that would be better left behind.
From this first chapter is it easy to see that you know your genre, the main character is likeable and clearly flawed character that we quickly begin to feel for, even without knowing much about her. A lot of people think that horror is jumpscares or being dark and moody, but it is atmosphere, and your story are dripping with that... Its just sad to see that the story is a bit fumbling with the words because you ain't a native speaker, and have a bit of "first story" touch over it. I know that it sounds rough, but it is not meant like that, your story is shining even with the mistakes, and I can only imagine how much it would shine if you took the time to re-write the story with the 5 extra years of experience you have earned since you gave this your first try. There have been a ton of good horror games and movies to have learned from, so I can only imagine how horrific your story could end up!
Nitpicks
" And before you turn this message out of boredom," MIssing an off
"I started climbing up the tower. " Linebreak mistake.
"directly followed by a deafening thunder crack sound." No need for the sound, so delete
"She returned the look for a few second before I burst out laughing" Linebreak mistake
"I was simply looking at my pierced leg as the shock slowly faded giving way to a pulsing ache.. " Double period
"My body started to shake from the agony and the metal piece titled making a wet sound as it fell out of my leg," Pretty sure you have a wrong word here. Another thing is the small detail of stuff that enters the body like that have a hard time getting out, so I do not think that it would just pop out on its own.
" started looking for any pipes along the torn walls and find nothing." Should be in past tense, so found.
"I look down on my hurting leg, realising why everything feels so lucid." Looked and felt, remember that you write in past tense, and realizing
"After a few seconds the wound isn’t bleeding anymore and it look almost a day old. " wasn't
"Suddenly I spotted something glowing softly red further down the hall." Linebreak mistake
9660783
You know what, I might just try that.
While I haven't done much in the way of exploring horror I do think my writing have gotten better, since I have been partaking in several written RPs for the last few years. I go on vacation later this month, and I think I will add this to my list of things to do while I'm off.
And lastly, thank you a lot for the feedback!