Apple Bloom and her friends give their clubhouse a fresh coat of paint and on a whim Sweetie Belle decides to watch it dry. Scootaloo doesn't quite see the point, but some things, such as summer afternoons, are beyond analysis.
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Eustatian Wings
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I am much obliged to:
Golden Vision, who put up with my first draft, endured my whining, and proved more right than I initially thought.
Applejinx, who is always a source of inspiration and encouragement.
The concept for this story was developed in a discussion hosted by RavensDagger. I wanted to test the theory that execution matters more than the original idea.
Further thanks to
PR Grump for insisting on a change in punctuation style and pointing out a rather irksome issue with the opining and to
Minty Rest for wrapping up my understanding of what worked and didn't in this story.
Based on feedback and reception here, I've decided to leave this as a FiMFiction-only story. From the start it was an experiment in showing, but I now see that it's not really suited to a wide audience.
This is very similar to "Pinkie watches paint dry", at least in the title. Then again, I haven't read it yet.
*reads*
i1.kym-cdn.com/entries/icons/original/000/005/954/wtf_is_this_shit2_RE_73_Million_Sharks_Killed_Every_Year-s468x349-71815.jpg
526692
Gratz on getting first.
Yeah, I was a little nervous to see Absolute's fic up on the feature bar as I was revising this. It's a complete coincidence. I decided to imagine that we were writing two different takes on the same prompt. I like his, but it's very different, so I'm not going to try to rate them against each other.
You should have waited till the pinkie story disappeared from the feature box.
This is actually well done and I'll give you a like to try and even the like/dislike ratio a bit. You might want to state in the summary, right at the beginning, you made this BEFORE that story and don't intend to rip it off. Otherwise people will just assume its a rip off and disregard it completely, which they appear to have done already
526705
May I ask what went wrong?
526787
Done for now. Thanks.
T-T-T-T-TIEBREAKER!!!
Great story!
This is better than the Pinkie version IMO. Not that it was bad, but this is even better.
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They have different techniques and goals. "Pinkie" is an intellectual joke that has to put the reader firmly in her mind. This is more of a mood-based story and focuses on the literal atmosphere. Saying which is better would be comparing apples and oranges.
I'm already of the opinion that plot can be incidental to what is being communicated, so my comments will be biased. In keeping with a reader response approach to evaluation, the question becomes, will most readers appreciate and derive satisfaction from extremely effective prose divorced from interesting subject matter? Then, of course, what is "effective" and what is "interesting"?
I would describe your prose style as effective because it very easily and inoffensively communicates images, and recalls experiences that are familiar. Could most readers say the same? Probably. Most children I've met have shown signs of boredom, curiosity about the strange things adults say, exhibit attention to small details, form close friendships, etc. I would also venture to say that many readers have heard the paint crackling, perhaps forming unfortunate bubbles or dry spots, and who paints outside but on a sunny summer day? There may even be some familiar with the generalized Hooke's Law for stress/strain calculations!
As for "interesting", that is more subjective. Speaking for myself, because the prose is effective, it succeeds in conveying ideals (in the philosophical sense), and as we know, the ideal world is better than the real. By definition it is perfect. Therefore the paint drying, and Sweetie Belle watching (or not watching) it, is interesting to me in that it creates a perfect world. More concisely, the story is a lateral rethinking of the MLP utopia.
Considering that human lives are finite, everything is exquisite, and worth describing in an ennobling, celebratory way. The precision with which the form sketches the convention is enough.
There, I've given you an hour. I now feel entitled to ask:
When does Apple Bloom get gutted? Why isn't Chrysalis pumping slime onto Sweetie Belle's convulsing body while her once innocent mind is desacrated unto a loveless wasteland?
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You know, I've never really been inspired to write gore, (dark, yes. Current project is a rather-dark romance) but you are tempting me. This kind of showing-heavy style would be well-suited to a spatter fic, wouldn't it?
Anypony else up for Eustatian Wings writing Sweet Apple Massacre HD? No? Me neither.
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Seriously, though, after some thought I've decided to favorite this one. It's the kind of friendshipping I'm looking for, and I've added it to that group.
What was not quite captured was the playfulness of the CMC. They seem a bit OOC. I think you refer to them as adolescents at one point - not my impression. More like ADHD-afflicted youngsters. Maybe they're just in a relaxed mood, not "performing" like they do on the show. Which is fine.
It's a difficult genre. Truly altruistic relationships have an abstract quality - they don't help one climb the socioeconomic ladder, and if they fulfill any sort of psychological need they cease to be altruistic. The mathematics of the ethical world, so to speak. This is to say that those who've neglected linear algebra in favor of sex ed are not likely to be drawn in, but you knew that. Thanks for taking the narrow path.
EqD round one rejection. The following is a grammar and style note for readers offering feedback.
The PR complained about my excessive Chicago-style commas and I agree that this story doesn't need such heavy bracing. I have changed to Oxford style, and as part of this style, a comma is only required between independent clauses joined by coordinating conjunctions when clarity demands it. Thus as in the sentence, "The PR complained and I agreed," there are missing commas that would be run-ons under Chicago and most other American styles.
I also use "then" as a coordinating conjunction as an idiosyncrasy. This spares many commas, semicolons, and words "and". I prefer:
- The light glowed a bright amber that filled the room, then the door opened.
- filling in to the right then to the left
to the standard:
- The light glowed a bright amber that filled the room; then, the door opened.
- filling in to the right, then to the left -or- ... right and then to ...
Whoa...love it. It's got a very calming mood. I almost hear calming music in the background of it. I love how it's just about (superficially) watching paint dry but then it gets all deep and great.
Nice job.
Hello there. I'm from High Quality Fictions and I'll be doing a review of your story. This comment will be copied to this thread.
I apologize beforehand if this sounds too angry/aggressive. This is just my method of reviewing; nothing personal.
The fanfic begins with a very annoying climate description, which is a bad starter for stories in general, but this one goes as far as to state the temperature in degrees Fahrenheit and the humidity in the air, which are things that are unimportant for little ponies who don't need to make a plane take off or land. Then it shifts to an accurate description of their clubhouse, which sounds exactly like the weather description; robotic. This part of the story feels like it is a block of thoughts and ideas piled up on top of each other; the text flow isn't that good. And my tip to the author: you don't need to describe every angle of each object in the story; we know what the CMC's Clubhouse looks like. We've all seen the show. In all honesty, I think this text goes from exaggeratedly purple to building blocks of thoughts much too quickly.
And the characters... they aren't OoC per se, but they are... mature. They aren't kids anymore. This becomes clear once you look at their dialogs and their remarks about everyday stuff. I know that, in the text, it said that the CMCs are teenagers now, but if that really is the case, you should've explained so somewhere in the story, not just toss this information around.
Over all, this is the kind of story that I like -- even though it could've been better -- the silly ones that have no purpose other than their own existence and, even though I myself liked it (if I disregard the mistakes pointed out above), I can't say it is of high quality to make into the group. I mean- it isn't a story in itself, more like the telling of a silly event.
715403
Thanks for taking the time to type up a review, an actual assessment-of-quality review. It's pretty much impossible for me, like any author, to be objective about my own work, but I'm glad you've pretty much confirmed my opinion.
I like this story immensely but I understand that most people will not get it. It's a love story about little things that mean a lot, like the fact that paint won't dry right if the temperature or humidity is wrong.
Quality is a slippery thing. For example, I am currently reading and evaluating a self-insert-x-Twilight brony-in-Equestria vs. an-evil-darkness-of-doom story complete with the Oh-Shit-I'm-a-Pony-now scene and the Welcome-to-Ponyville-Pinkie-Party scene. By all rights, it should suck. For some reason, I can't stop turning the page - and now I have to figure out how much of it is the story's softly-simmering-but-ever-present conflict, how much of it is the above-average description, and how much of it is my desire to find a decent BiE.
In the end, I don't think assessments of quality can be completely justified. They come from the gut. So I agree with you that this won't play well with most audiences (I've impressed the people I wanted to impress); if I may, I caution you to watch out for the thought pattern "the author did X, X is bad" and substitute "the author did X, which is usually bad, is it bad here."
715539 I agree whole-heartedly with you. The story isn't bad, like I said. In fact, I liked it because is it a story about the little things, which is something I always pay attention to in my day-to-day life. But unfortunately, we're minority, and the majority mandates that this isn't high quality. And this is another thing you pointed out that I also agree with; quality is subjective. VERY subjective.
I know that feel... I too read a couple of "bad" fanfics. Somehow, they keep me curious about them and I can't seem to stop.
And your caution was noted. I will be sure not to "speak" like that again.
Great story, puts you in the mood to think about your surroundings.
Gentle and perfectly sweet, like a warm summer evening. One of my favourite kinda stories.
Wow, I really like this story. :>
I found a typo or two, but I don't remember where they were. One was at the beginning, that's all.
Well, this has that lazy summer afternoon mood. After reading this, I feel like how I feel after reading some good novels. You did a really good job at making the story feel complete. Little bits of humor, characters joking around, and many beautiful descriptions of a simple afternoon.
This is indeed one of my favorite kinds of stories. I love funny, comedic adventure and slice of life, but every once and a while, a peaceful story like this is all I need to read. Life's all about the little things, after all. :)
1672168
Couldn't have said it better myself! Nicely written story, mate!
10/10