Twilight can't get The Great and Powerful Trixie out of her head. When she finally realizes why, she goes on a journey to find her, and confront these feelings.
Nice. But can you write Trixie at least expiriences in travels, confident and self-sufficient? She has magic to build herself shelter and bed, she can eat grass, because she's a pony, and she knows illusions and few spells to protect herself from danger and buy time to run from most dangerous creatures.
Great start! I always enjoy Twixie fics
And Rarity once again proves that she is truly Best Pony
Oh and by the way:
“Pleeeeeaaaase Spike? It would me oh so much to me.”
You misspelled mean
That's the only error I found though
Thanks for reading it, I'm glad you enjoyed it. I hope to have part two up within the next week or so, I just need to see what other people say about it.
Thanks so much for reading and reviewing though
You bring up good points, but I'm not sure what I want to do about it.
As far as the shelter and stuff goes, I always imagined Trixie as a city-pony that was used to living a somewhat comfortable life. I never really saw her as the "self-sufficient" type of pony.
The grass comment though...that is an excellent point. I'll have to mull over what I want to do about that.
Thanks very much for reading and commenting. It means a lot.
Well, for what I see, she has her wagon and she travels across Equestria. She stopped in small village sush as Ponyville without problem, and while she acted like it's not the best she saw, she has no problem being there. So she's more like 'stranger' .
And she pulls her own wagon all by herself, throws shows all by herself, and pack\unpack stage by herself. So yeah, she is self-sufficient.
And one thing: when she created 'smoke cloud' her horn wasn't shining. So she can cast that spell in mere milliseconds. Good defensive spell.
I'm not really sure what you mean by 'stranger' but you're right, she probably is more self-sufficient than I give her credit for. I had actually planned to do a little explanation about how she does her cart. I was thinking magic, but nothing is set in stone so far. I'll strive to stay truer to the...what? Pony lore? I guess haha. But one thing I don't understand is your comments about defense. Unless I completely missed it, I don't believe I said anything about her being in danger from predators. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I appreciate the criticism anyway
Hmm. Can anyone comment on the formatting of the piece? I plan on starting chapter 2 tomorrow evening but I've been reading around, and apparently the way I formatted makes it choppy and broken. Can anyone help me out with this? Please and thank you!
seems fine to me, i wasn't left re-reading it to make sure i understood it.
story wise i like the concept, the beginning added a nice touch, leaves you wondering what happened to make her act that way. grammar is fine, no glaring mistakes that i noticed. flowed well, cant wait to see how it turns out
You've got no idea how much I needed that comment. Thank you.
Well, I just saw so many fics where Trixie portrayed as weak and helpless good-for-nothing bitch. It pisses me off. Sure, she's not as powerful as Twilight but it doesn't mean she's weak. Do you saw how she spinned Dash around with telekinesis? :D
Y'know there are at least 2 other Twixie fan fictions going on right now? Forget about them though, THIS is the story I wanna read.
I always like the fanfictions where Twilight is the obsessive one and boy does she go to great lengths to get what she wants. I'm finding a pattern in most of these Twixie ficts in that Twilight always seems to have kept Trixie's robe and hat. This would be the second one where Rarity would touch up the rips and tears to make it look good again. Don't worry about it though because I think it's a great plot device to use and I like seeing what develops from it. Now I don't mean to keep comparing this story to others I have read but I did read one where Twilight seeks out Trixie on her tour. In that story however, you only see the result of it all, you don't really read about Twilight running around looking for her. It's just labeled as a past event.
This is why I think this story will be interesting. I haven't read one that has dealt with Twilight actually going out and looking for Trixie. Usually it's Trixie coming back to Ponyville in one way or another (Happens A LOT). So you definitely have an edge here with this concept. I look forward to another chapter. I actually can't wait to see what happens next.
Warning: Do not read this comment before reading the chapter. It contains spoilers. Sort of.
Alright, so chapter 2 is out and I have to say that I have mixed feelings about this one.
I hate the fact that I haven't gotten into the meat of the story yet, but I really felt like this had to be done. In one of my original drafts I didn't have Twilight interacting with her friends at all, but it seemed...unlikely. I really enjoyed writing most of those interactions though. Angry Dash is angry
I had a terrible time with Applejack's accent. I've seen fics that overdid it, and then I've seen fics that just swept it under the rug. Let me know if I've found the right balance.
My chapter endings...I'm not sure if they're too...too....I can't even remember the word. Give me your thoughts on the endings so far.
On the bright side, I personally think I captured their elements rather well. Except Pinkie Pie...I kinda just made her hyper.
So. Much. Crying. I'm not sure whether the amount of tears shed is cliche or necessary to convey my point. Let me know.
I'm also not happy with the length. This chapter comes in at just under 2900 words, and that just seems short to me. I dunno, maybe reading the requirements for EqD has tainted my opinion of what's too short and what isn't. Let me know what you guys think.
Finally, let me know overall if you guys think this is better or worse than the first chapter. I haven't planned for Trixie to come in until chapter 4 or so (unfortunately) but I hope that this is entertaining nonetheless. Tell me how you think I could improve it. I love the comments you guys leave. Thanks for reading!!
Rainbow Dash breaking down in tears seems very out of character, but otherwise it's a great chapter. I'm looking foreward to the next...
all right let me do this in points
1st dont worry about getting to the main plot of the story, exposition is good as long as its paced and not a waste of time (so far its not).
2nd thanks for adding in the interactions with the freinds it would have been unlikely in any sence of her leaving
3rd while i do think you did appljacks accent fine it did have a bit too much of it (you still did better than most iv read so good job )
4rth i liked your ending touching with a touch of sappy . its in a way that gives the chapter happy closure while making me ready for the next .
5th all elements where done very well (if pinkie isnt hyper or sad your doing something wrong lol)
6th while their was alot of crying , the moment did called for it and i like the added touch of twilight hesitating so much because of spike that was very sweet
7th length is very relative when it comes to stories as long as you dont take away from all of it than the length shouldnt matter longer isnt always better
8th (and final lol) i really liked it so far i take the chance to read all twixie stories and so far this is a very entertaining one, definitly one ill watch and hope to see more in the near future (sry for text wall lol)
I admit I have to agree with Bob on Rainbow Dash. I can see her getting angry at Twilight for leaving without talking to them first. I can see her laughing at the fact that Twilight has a crush on somepony regardless of if it was a mare or stallion. It is a little hard to see her breaking down and crying about Twilight leaving.
Applejack's accent seems to fit how I view it would be written anyway. Granted growing up in Alabama I've heard my fair share of southern drawl.
I will admit I really like this story and I'm curious what Trixie's reaction to having Twilight show up with her old hat and cape.
not really she freaked out completely in 'Sonic Rainboom' when she thought she was going to lose the best young fliers competition...
she never cried but this is technically more emotional then that...
My thought regarding that was that Rainbow Dash represents Loyalty, and the thought of anything serious happening to her friends scared her. Maybe I overdid it a little, but I thought she would be seriously affected.
Thanks for being so thorough!
This is my first "real" story, so I'm probably being a little too critical of my own work, but I've always been like that haha
Applejack's accent is difficult. I think it mostly depends on the sentence: one with a large number of "I" or anything that ends in "ing" needs to be...Applejacked but it can get...overwhelming. I'll try to work on it.
Thanks for tips 1 and 7. That's extremely helpful.
I'm glad you're enjoying it! Thanks for commenting.
But yeah, anyway, let me know what you think.
Thanks for commenting
im liking this story :D
i think you've done a great job so far. Hope the next chapter comes soon!
Thanks so much! I'm glad you're enjoying it
This is some good shit right here
keep pouring it on
Will do sir
completely hooked. your endings are nicely put so far, and i have no trouble in asking for more.
I thought we were starting Twilight's journey in this chapter... but that's ok.
This chapter was nothing short of impressive. I thought she was just going to go and leave out the rest of her friends. I mean it could have worked both ways but it adds more depth to include them in this case. I mean we're probably not going to be seeing them throughout most of the story but at least we saw a farewell of sorts. I like the extra details with Spike as well. It's true that she couldn't really leave him behind in any situation but the fact that this story is requiring her to, just makes this ever the more necessary. Way to cover your bases!
Speaking of "meat" of the story, if this is how you handle these kind of scenes I can't wait to see when Trixie is finally introduced. I'm sure it will be an epic of sorts. I look forward to it!
Thanks for such a great chapter!
Dash breaking down was a little much - I can definitely see her getting angry and teary, but straight up sobbing?
Twilight's interaction with Spike was just straight up awesome! I Agree with the other comments: There is no need to rush to the "meat" of the story when the "filler" is this good.
Gahhhhhh! I had hoped to have chapter 3 out Sunday (Nov. 6) But that's not going to happen. I'm having a lot of trouble getting motivated to write it because it's so boring haha. I'll have it out as soon as I can though.
Once again, read the chapter before this comment. I dunno if there will be spoilers, but if there are then you've been warned.
I don't even know what to say. I had such a hard time with this chapter because it honestly feels like nothing happens. If you guys feel the same way I might seriously consider rewriting the entire chapter. Right now, I'm justifying it to myself by saying "Oh, it develops Twilight's character and gives insight into her thoughts into Trixie and blah blah blah" but that's pretty weak even to myself. Let me know what you guys think.
In other news, I had submitted Chapter 1 to one of the Ponychan review boards before I even posted it on here, and they got back to me sometime last week. In a nutshell, my grammar and punctuation skills are the scourge of the Earth. Yay! Don't get me wrong, everything they said had some truth to it. Most of it was incorrect comma usage, incorrect ellipsis usage, and terrible, terrible formatting, it was also what I asked them to do, but it hurt. It cut me deeply. Apparently I can't take criticism as well as I thought I could but that's why I have you guys. You guys are awesome and helpful and encouraging and are the only reason that I've written this much. Sure I've made mistakes (see Chapter 2, characterization of Rainbow Dash) but that's to be expected... I think.
If this chapter is complete garbage, I'm sorry. Just tell me and I'll rewrite it. If I'm being wayyy too critical of my own work, well... just tell me I'm being dumb or something. Regardless, I would like to thank every single one of you who is reading this. You guys (and girls) give me the will and motivation to keep writing this. Thank you so much.
Pinkie Pie started shuddering all over the place.
"Woah! Whatever that was, it was a doozey!"
In all seriousness, I thought this chapter was pretty good. I like how you kept the entire one sided love thing questionable throughout the entire chapter (and story up to this point). Does Trixie love her back? *shrugs* Honestly I bet you can't wait to write in when they finally meet nor could I to read it. I seriously can't wait for this next part.
Oh and not that it was your intention but now this is the third Twixie fanfiction to include pancakes XD I know it means absolutely nothing and is coincidental at best (Except I did it purposely). I just got a kick out of that.
I like it when books take the time to flesh out the characters more. Chapters that go into a character's mindset on what they are doing and why are great. Now this doesn't mean that it needs to be done all the time but it's good to do. At least it's not like some stories I've read where they finally go into character development like 13 chapters in and the characters have spent months, if not years, on the road.
I can't say it's great or not simply because I only really like to judge a story once it's actually complete. If I had to judge this based on what happened in the chapter I'd say it's a great set of character development and a nice look into Twilight's reasoning as well as a confirmation that she really is going the right way.
Part of me hopes to see more of Elle and Hearthly as well.
ill spare the point by point text wall this time i was really happy that you included the town and some interactions, i feel like a good portion of this story should be about twilights journey, twilights interactions with the towns ponies she visits, and twilight trying to figure out everything(though i guess she figured her feelings out this chapter huh? ) people have to remember that every story is in its own world and character development helps us identify with a character thats different from another story,(example the twilight from this story is diferrent from the twilight thats in out in the cold or sparkle kitten ) character development is vital to make a story stand out and your doing a good job of that hope to see more towns and i really hope for more elle she adorable keep up the good work
It's official. Every single one of you is awesome. I really need to stop posting my stories and commenting on them at 2:30 in the morning though. I don't think it's good for me. Thank you all for the positive comments
I'm liking this so far, and am interested in seeing how trixie will react once she sees twilight again
I'm really liking the premise of this story. It might be that I just haven't read enough, but this is the first Twixie fic I've read that centered around Twilight searching for her rather than Trixie returning to Ponyville.
As for this chapter, I have to agree with what has been said already. Character development is essential to any successful story. Taking aside a chapter for this purpose is actually quite commonplace in many of the lengthier works I've read, including published novels. Even through development, a story continues to progress; and since there's a clearly defined span of time from when Twilight left and when we saw her in the opening, this helps account for what has happened each day in between.
I would have liked to see the discovery of the rose fleshed out a tad more, especially since Twilight's overly analytical mind would wonder how a genetic impossibility such as a blue rose could exist in the first place. But, since that would probably put too much emphasis on the physical aspect and distract from the revelation it brings, I think it's better how you have it.
Alright so I'm just going to reply to everyone. First off, Thank you. Seriously, I know that I've said that a lot, but you guys really don't know how much your comments urge me to go on. I truly, from the bottom of my heart, appreciate it.
Secondly, I'm not going to lie, I'm surprised at the reactions to this chapter. Like I said before, I had a really difficult time writing the chapter, I spent a pretty good amount of time rewriting parts to see if I could get it where I wanted it; I just thought it was so boring. Looking back, with all of your comments in mind, I realize that stuff did happen, and it was important. I think my main problem is that I know what I want to happen, but I'm forced to write everything that happened before it. It's annoying!
DashXColt - I have used the MLP Wiki for a bunch of reference material, especially pony food, and pancakes seemed like the best breakfast food. But that is pretty amusing I have to say
Royal Brisk, ironknucklevash - I honestly took a leap of faith with Ellie and Hearthly (awful pony names, I know. I'll work on it ) I've never been a fan of OC in MLP fanfiction, but I had to. I couldn't very well have Pinkie Pie or someone in a town that wasn't Ponyville after all. It turned out better that I thought it would, but I feel like I didn't develop them enough. I do plan on coming back to them, but it will be a while, and I'm pretty sure they'll still just be minor characters.
ironknucklevash - One of the... problems... that Ponychan had with my first chapter was that Twilight seemingly liked Trixie for no reason. While I know that to an extent they were right, I know that even if I rewrote chapter one I wouldn't include it. That doesn't mean that I don't want her feelings to be justified, but I mean... love doesn't have to be justified. Sometimes it just is. Besides, Twixie shipping is best shipping! Followed closely by Twiluna and Tweerilee? haha I've never actually seen that one shortened Gee, wonder who my favorite pony is
Fuse - To be honest, the rose was an idea that popped into my head when I started writing about the garden. I'll be the first to admit that it's not 100% thought out, though I do have plans to come back to it. I'm going to go for that "symbolism" jazz I keep hearing about
To Everyone - I'm endlessly happy that you are all enjoying this. If you have any suggestions, don't hesitate to email me... I think its on my profile... not really sure. Anyway, I would love to hear from you!
Alright first off I didn't really have a problem with the way it was written. Maybe I just don't know any better and someone with more experience can tell you but as far as the story goes I love it. I like the way it focuses on twilight and her feelings and can't wait to see what you do with trixie. I also didn't have a problem with Dash's characterization last chapter because it seems to me like she would just have a facade of apathy and that if she felt like she betrayed/was betrayed by a friend then it would break her. As far as punctuation and what not goes I say you just get the story out first. If it's a good story as long as there aren't terrible mistakes most people can overlook them. You're not writing a book and you can always fix them. Besides if the story was terrible there would be no reason to fix them. But it is a great story and i really want to see how it ends. Now i patiently wait future chapters. Sorry for the size of this comment. It turned out longer than expected.
Haha I appreciate the feedback! Besides, have you seen the size of my comments?
Sorry for no update this weekend guys! Skyrim kinda took over and raped my life for three or so days
No, really, I put 40 hours in from Friday to Sunday, and I had to do some work for family on Saturday that took all day... I have no life.
In real news, I already love chapter four. I dunno what it is about it, but the story is just coming to me, so you guys should expect it to be uploaded around Wednesday, maybe Thursday latest.
YAY!!!!! Holy crap, this was the hardest chapter I've had to write yet. The beginning came really easily, and the middle/end came pretty easily, but the part where I described her on the journey, before she got lost. Writer's Block... everywhere.
Overall, I'm not even sure what to think of the chapter, some parts I'm happy with and others I'm not, but that's why I have you guys to comment on it and tell me where I sucked! Yay!
I can't even begin to tell you guys how freakin happy I am that Trixie comes in next chapter. I have been wanting to write that dialogue forever, and I have so many ideas that may or may not be put in... just... it will be so amazing (I hope).
Oh, and I discovered that there is a horizontal rule adder thingy. Much cleaner looking than equal signs lol.
Looking back at chapter one from here, I feel like I've made a lot of progress. I feel as though my writing style, while still rough around the edges, has become smoothed out in the right areas, but we'll see as I progress. Let me know what you guys think of the chapter and the story as a whole. I appreciate all of the feedback. And make sure to check back, I'm not sure if you get notifications that I've replied to your comments, but I usually do.
Oh, if there is something I've overlooked as far as Twilight Sparkle in a survival/combat situation, go ahead a tell me that I'm a terrible person and don't know anything about ponies I just kinda rolled with it.
Ummmm... there was something else I was going to add... bah! I dunno. I'm tired. Just let me know what you guys think, and, as always, I truly appreciate all of you reading this.
OH YEAH! Skyrim sucked the bloody life out of my life. This chapter should have been out like a week ago. Sorry for the extended wait! I'll try to do better with the next chapter. I promise!
wow....just....wow...please...keep...writing...or i.... might just die...
=O that was amazing, PLEASE GET A NEW CHAPTER OUT SOON
CELESTIA DAMNED CLIFFHANGERS!!!!
First of all: *brohoof* Congrats on the feature! Now there's two Twixie ficts up there. That's right, we posted our new chapter around the same time (Which I think is pretty cool!). I like this one better, since it makes me feel those other emotions.
The beginning threw me off just a little bit. You had me believing that what was happening was real. That was until Trixie started getting intimate. Then I knew it was a dream and even having predicted that, the story, or in other words, Twilight already knew that! And she whispers the question in tears?
She is no longer allowed to dream.
Speaking of that scene, were you the one who came up with the jasmine mint scent for Trixie? I know I didn't make it up...
The whole journey/survival half was pretty thrilling. I could feel Twilight's fatigue and was really hoping that she would make it out of there. You even had a little fun there with the whole "They're gonna eat good tonight!" line. By the way, I actually happened to come across a teeny, tiny, not even that big of an issue error in one sentence.
"The fell into a triangle" - You meant "They," right? I'm just trying to help
Then you ended with the beginning of Chapter 1. I knew that was coming sooner or later. Now the story can loop until the next chapter. Go ahead and put in the words, "Isn't this where..." at the end of this chapter and the words, "...we came in?" at the beginning of chapter 1. There!
This was a great chapter. I'm a bit down that I read your comment and was spoiled by the "Trixie is in the next chapter" bit but at the same time TOTALLY EXCITED!!! This is going to be a painful wait
Back on the whole ACTUAL Trixie introduction, Twilight seems to conflict between the best and worst. Trixie will either embrace her and love her forever (Making the story end abruptly) or shoot her down and reject her existence (Causing a tragedy tag on the story). My prediction is that it would be middle ground, mostly leaning towards Trixie loves her. Only because one sided can be depressing sometimes...
Either way, i'm gonna need a new chapter in about 5 seconds. Hopefully you'll be able to write another three thousand words by that time. Good Luck!
Hummm, not sure how I feel about the opening with twilight in the snow then a 9 day flash back, its almost like reading the last chapter of a book first,
But I do like the plot you have set up. and stalker Twilight is wall ways funny to read. Please keep up the good work!
I'm a real sucker for twixie,
I'l let ya know when I read it what I think. For now, homework and house chores.
Spike made me cry a little. and they you handled Dash was great, I think that is just how she would take it if her friend left with out telling her. Great work!
Go Twi! fight for your love! this is a real good story, I thought the stones would spell out Twilights name, Kinda sad that it didn't '
You know, I just now saw that feature and that makes me really, really happy. I saw yours up there when I was putting it up, and I was like "Yeah I saw that coming." Haha, anyway, thanks!
I'm a little confused by your first comment, about the dream sequence. Would you mind retyping that? It may just be the fact that I just woke up, but I can't make sense of the sentence "Then I knew it was a dream and even having predicted that, the story, or in other words, Twilight already knew that! And she whispers the question in tears?"
I came up with the scent. When I was writing the first chapter I tried to think of a scent that "fit" Trixie, and the jasmine/mint combination seemed to fit.
I fixed the error and I appreciate the help. I try to catch these things but one or two always slips through the cracks.
I should definitely loop the story. Then it would never have to end! Muhahahaha! Honestly though, I don't think I'll ever start off a story with foreshadowing ever again. It's very constricting. I had a bunch of ideas for the journey and what not, but I couldn't put them in because she had to be in the forest, in a certain amount of time. Oh, and writing with a known time schedule, like 9 days... never going to do that again either. Having to keep track of all the days is not very fun
Sorry about spoiling it! I swear, the one time I don't put a spoiler alert I actually talk about the chapter. Jeez. If it makes you feel better though, I'm not 100% sure how Trixie will react yet. I'm debating whether I want her to reciprocate or not. Muhahahaha this is totally going to turn into a sadfic!
Oh. Wow. I just thought about how sad that would actually be. Now my entire morning is ruined.
Anyway, I'll get it out as quickly as possible. Thanks for reading it!
Don't worry! I'll try! It really shouldn't take as long this time. I'm anticipating the next chapter myself.
I'm glad that you're enjoying it!
Trust me, I know exactly how you feel. This is the first work of fiction that I've written, and I pretty much had no idea what I was doing. In my next story there's no way that I'm going to do the foreshadowing thing. It's too restrictive.
On the bright side, that's not really where the story ends. There's so much that's going to happen after that!
And Twilight's not a stalker! She's just... very driven
Thanks for reading!
Hmm... yeah that never even crossed my mind Thinking about it though... what message would she get from the stones spelling out her name? Those plus the flower would make it seem like Trixie was calling her, and she definitely isn't. Let me know what you think. (If those aren't the stones you're talking about, sorry! )