Criticism welcome!

Night Crawler - Judas Priest

Switching between here and metal videos on youtube gives me the strangest ads.

As long as Twilight Sparkle doesn't actually sparkle like twilight this will be a good story.

   Okay, first things first, I like the writing of the story so far, no mistakes of any sort that I could recall.

Now, for the story in general, I like the thought and idea of Twilight being a vampire; which raises questions, and sparks my curiousity on what is going to happen, surely she can't keep depriving herself of blood for too long, which makes me think she might eat out one of her friends. <- (No puns intented.)

So, now, time for my main question; does this mean that Twilight is going to be more powerful? Considering the coverart and idea in general of the vampony, unless the author intented Twilight to be stopped then most likely her powers would be feeble, which wouldn't be too interesting because she would just be stopped before her rain of fun could happen.

Anyway, looking forward to more, I like it so far overall.

Ehh.... This amuses me. I shall mark it for later dissection shall I?

I don't think I've read this particular breed of fanfic before... and I scoured at least a fifth of the adventure-tagged stories for good reads. Consider me intrigued.

Oh yeah, and also, could this be added in the 'Alicorn Twilight' group or is this only temporary?

>>406133406133

As a metalhead myself, I agree to this relevancy.

Also, a vampire story that isn't related to Twilight (The book)?

Color me interested.

DUD DUH DUH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm gonna have to be "that guy" who nitpicks over every little thing wrong, right?

*sigh* Right...

The first thing i see wrong is: As an afterthought, she told him he could help himself to their store of ice cream in down there.

The "in" should not be in that sentence.

The second: Curled up in a little ball, Fluttershy was softly weeping into her hair.

Shouldn't that be "mane" instead of "hair"?

Next: “Fluttershy, everything will be alright, but only if let me do this,”

Insert "you" in between "if" and "let."

Yet another: “”Can you make sure it doesn’t hurt like last time?”

Take out one of the quotation marks at the beginning.

Largest mistake so far: Her horn glowed and her eyes turned white momentarily.  Her horn glowed and her eyes turned white momentarily.

Duplicate sentence, I think the solution is obvious.

Next: Then she noticed the smell, burnt wood.

Replace the comma (,) with a colon (:).

Spelling error: Had her baby dragon been spared form the explosion?

Form->From.

Extremely interesting story idea.  I sense much potential with this one, but I would strongly suggest you invest in a competent pre-reader and/or editor.  I look forward to seeing this story unfold.

~The Anonymous Troll

This is better than the twilight saga!....ok that's not fair I shouldn't be comparing them, twilight sux and this should be the movie

Also i thought vampires didn't have a reflection?

its vamponies so shush they have reflection it is cannon now

kinda like these vamponies stories

yey; another twi goes vampony story! i love these, to bad the there ain't that many

on the story, awesome, others have already pointed out the problems i noticed so i wont go into that

This story has potential, definetly tracking

please write more soon

>>406150406150 Believe me, that will NOT happen.

>>407157407157 Writing right now! I'm just taking a small break to rid me of writer's block.

This is going to be one epic adventure!

>>406150406150

Sorry, but if you recall, all twilight's magic has sparkles.

Ironically, this looks good enough (at least as far as I have read) to be worth a read despite the obvious hurricane of puns that will be rearing it's ugly head as the story continues. I await more.

Interesting. I can see you worked hard on this, though for some reason it feels like you rushed the ending. Thats not to say it's bad, just rushed. I think it a good start at least, and I hope to see more soon.

>>406186406186 Well, it certainly isn't going to be like Cupcakes, but you will see some grossness in a few chapters.

where twilight gets knocked out "eventualy she became uncousous" or something like that doesnt make sense somethng like that should knock you out when she hits the wall but greaat story (fluttershys faces when twilights spell wnet bloom in order )

dont know why she was happy seeing how twlight is awsome n all mabey she was jealous

I shall review this further when it has been updated. tracking this.

Probally the third fic I've seen with that cover, and the second I've favorited, but...

Now the question to ask is "Why does Zecora have that particular book handy?"

>>413393413393

Indeed.

>>413393413393

Well, she is a very wise zebra, she probably has it so she can make or try to make cures of it.

>>413393413393

Image: http://img.ponibooru.org/_images/3785519c3e103fefe6ac334ab4199d94/94781%20-%20mother_of_celestia%20mother_of_god%20rainbow_dash.jpg

Loving this idea so far, though I have to wonder why she is able to go out into the daylight, or are we playing by Twilight rules? (no pun intended, I am referring to the book series)

>>413878413878 My own version of vampires, although someone most likely done it before.

>>414007414007

Mmk, well looking forward to it, and glad to know you're not attached to to Twilight idea going into this. Keep up the good work

>>414268414268 Gah, the Twilight series. I used to like them, then I actually looked at the books, and went, "Nah, these suck, I'll stick to LOTR."

>>414304414304

Bwahhaa! Fair enough, at least you can say you gave them a chance.

I wonder, Is she an actual alicorn? The whole 9 yards? I suppose her form of longevity and strength are different, but she seems to have all the basics covered... and If her magic got any stronger with the affliction...

Oh well, I can;t wait to see how Celestia reacts. I can see one of two things, one she will be exasperated and mournful. Two, she will be ecstatic and happy that she will never have to lose her faithful student... who knows What she may have come up with in those thousand years. Or what if.... Dun Dun Duuuuun shes a vampire too! What a tweeest!

>>414629414629 You'll see, you'll see. Anyways, love your avatar!

>>414007414007 So... Vampies without the weakness to the sun? I'm scared now.

>>414629414629 >>414839414839

Image: http://fc06.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2011/136/6/0/twilight_sparkle_by_amslizrah-d3ghif0.jpg

I'm sorry I had to I just had to

Interesting. Are we playing by the "Vampires are immortal unless killed in a certain way" rule?

>>413393413393 Why indeed.

>>413393413393 come on its zecora that like asking how does pinkie pie do half teh stuff she does

So the vampires in this story are like skyrim vampires? Cept the wings

Im liking the story so far

A Disease called Sanguine Vampris? Somepony's been playing Skyrim. :3c

Heavy approves of dis new story.

>>416356416356 Yep, it seemed to go well with the story idea. And, just look at my username!

Hey Twi has one advantage... now she and Luna can go flying together.

And I certainly hope the "sun burns you into ashes" thing doesn't hold for her... at least not at first. Maybe later as a result of trying to fix the problem, but not at the start!

I can't wait for more of this.

there's been a few ideas pertaining to vampires and sunlight. i think the original mytho had them weakened by sunlight but not necessary destroyed instantly and turned to ash. personally i think sunscreen prevents vampires from being too affected by the sun

Love the story so far!

>>414950414950 Looks so. Time to get my Plasma Cutter.

>>413393413393 The question is, "Why not?"

>>422332422332 Heh.. sorry. My writing was not up to its usual quality, so I scratched what work I had. I don't what to give you guys a crappy chapter. Should be up by tomorrow.

interesting tidbits here, needs more meat though

FIRST!

Not bad, but it feels a bit rushed. Kind of like you wrote a draft but didn't feel the need, or maybe didn't have the time, to double check it. Oh well, it's still good, just not your best.

Ok.  Idea is good and interesting.

The writing is a bit dry and quite accelerated.  Everything feels like it's moving at too fast of a pace.

Sorry guys, it's my first time writing something this big. This was a hard chapter to get through, one of those that you don't want to do but have to. I'll work on modifying it.

>>423867423867 I can barely convince myself to make any chapters! You actually get work done.

If I got turned into a vampire, I'd probably spend the first while flying around too. Then depending on whether or not I could surpress my bloodlust, I'd either become a vigilante hero or take over the world.

You'll get a longer story out of this version, at least two chapters more.

Vampire Twilight Sparkle was given feather wings instead of the traditional bat ones and now one can speculate that Princesses Celestia and Luna are vampires themselves ^^

One can speculate that there are no alicorn species, that alicorns are to unicorns what vampires are to humans

Is Twilight ever going to look like she does in the cover picture?

I hate writing some of these chapters.

Another fine chapter, if a little rushed at points. I'd say to try and draw out some of the interactions, like in the RD scene, if she had gone to get all of Twi's friends while she was knocked out, could have made for a really interesting scene. Just my two bits, still enjoying what's up so far, can't wait to see where this is going

doesn't twilight have bat wings instead of feathery wings? i don't think bat wings have feathers

err didnt you just post a chapter yesterday did i say i love you in a brotherly way if your a guy and sisterly if your a girl granted you are lacking in detail in some areas granted i cant write in detail at parts i dont like writing ethier so dont feel bad when peaple like me say that now just to encourage you to keep it up im going to set the sweetest pony on you FLUTTERSHY ATTACK

yay!

I don't thinkis capable of being evil....misunderstood adorkable but not evil lol

Im liking the story so far

>>428484428484

Twilight has feathery wings, not bat wings.  I think the old image having bat wings was just because the author had nothing more relevant to the story than that art.

>>428798428798 Yup, the old one was temporary.

Once again, you fail to displease. Nice work!

I don't think Twilight has it in her to be evil. If she ever tried, she'd probably just ineffectually sneak around poking things with her magic, before running home and feeling terrible about it.

Hah, its good to see the first lust for blood, at least it ended badly instead of all the other stories when they seem not to care the least bit she is a vampire, good character personalities in a short summary, shall I say.

i dont know if this is something that will come out later or if its intended to be known, im not sure to be honest: how would twilight pass on the disease? i mean; the vampire bat just has to bite someone, but thats a bat, not a pony; i mean is the spreading of the disease will based on some level or does it just pass over when bitten by anything. i dont think dovahkaaz said anything about that, just that it can be transmitted by either bat or pony. if i got this wrong or if i missed something please tell me.

a few other things as well, why does pinkie "know more than the next pony" as pinkie said about vampirism?

and some criticism as well, the conversations and meetings with her friends feels slightly rushed, pinkie and fluttershy i can understand to a degree but dash; i have a hard to believing that she would drop it that quick

anyways, other than a few small thoughts as stated above, excellent story, i really want to read more!

>>428783428783

Read Forever Faithful and Friends Forever... She has some of the worst potential...

>>429836429836

Read Forever Faithful and Friends Forever... She has some of the worst potential...

>>434142434142

In this story she seems nice and totally not bat shit crazy....pun intended

>>428406428406 This is a very go start to a story

hay can you post the orginal picture i kinda want to steal it for personal reasons involving spreading twilight propaganda

I like the speed at which you write these.

>>444558444558 Are they still rushed? Crap, I rewrote that 3 times. That's what took me so long.

>>444570444570 No not rushed at all its just I enjoy getting a good update every few days as opposed to every other week.

>>444570444570

There is a difference between "rushed" and "released with alacrity" Rushed means they aren't put through the full number of checks, and can be lower quality.

"Released with Alacrity" is a credit to the author, as it means that he or she can write very well and at an exceptional rate.

In case you were wondering, I put you in the latter group. The Ursa Major thing was interesting BTW... wonder how Celly and Luna will react to THIS...

>>444598444598 Sorry, I panicked. This was a fun, but stressful chapter to write. I actually had to split it in two because it was too long. Hopefully, the other half will be out by tomorrow.

Not rushed! This was really good and I can't wait for the next chapter. So Twilight broke the sound barrier twice this chapter, nice.

>>444618444618 Maaaaarvelous....

>>444598444598

I fully concur with this statement, well done sir, a fine chapter. As for the length, don't be afraid of having longer chapters, I for one enjoy having a sizable chapter to sit down to and read. The length allows me to get more immersed in the story, as opposed to shorter chapters that end just as they start to grab me.

I was pleasantly surprised when I saw the increased length of this chapter, so don't feel that you need to cut it short for our benefit. Keep up the great work!

id have to agree with the others, i dont think it was rushed.

>>444618444618 nice keep up the good work this story is realy intresting me granted one thing (this is jsut a request realy) can you make the fight scenes a bit bigger just becouse fight scenes are awsome with vampire twilight

It cooould be a better intro, but it's hardly the worst thing ever.

And another thing... Vampires can see themselves in the mirror?

>>444798444798 just be glad she is not sparkling in sunlight

>>445207445207This is something I am grateful for

>>444798444798 Why wouldn't they see themselves?

>>445325445325It's old, old vampire myth. Things like they can't cross running water, garlic=poison, can't enter another person's house without permission, etc. Can't see their reflections was among the list. Something about them not having a soul, don't really know.

me gusta

Write more!

>>445334445334 No, I knew that. But looking as logically as you can into mythology, why wouldn't they? I mean, you would have to use some molecule shifting/cloaking thing. Or maybe it's a psychological thing, the refuse to see themselves, and therefore can't?

>>445380445380Thing is, the universe you're writing the fiction in doesn't follow the same rules as ours, and if Vampires DID exist, how would we be able to explain them at all by ANY logic? They are considered mythical creatures because they exist beyond reality. Like I said, Vampires were said not to have souls. How can we even prove in the existence of a soul?

>>445334445334 Stories these days have evolved far beyond the typical weaknesses of the original vampires.

For that i am grateful... besides so many weaknesses and small things like reflections can dull a story imo.

>>445414445414I see your point, but not being able to see your reflection is just a small detail. It's kinda gotten to the point where it feels like that whole section of folklore vampires gave way to VtMB and 'modern day interpretations', which isn't necesarily a bad thing. Idk, It doesn't really limit anything as far as I know, but the author can do what he wants. If I don't like it, I can choose simply not to read (I still am going to read, just to clarify. It's a good story)

>>445429445429 agreed

>>445429445429 Yep, I tend to pick and choose a few things. I didn't like the whole mirror thing, so I discarded it. I also thought the garlic thing was kind of silly. And souls? I don't want to get into that. Anyways, it is nice talking to people who don't necessarily agree with me, most of my friends just nod absentmindedly. Also, I'm a girl.

>>444570444570

This chapter seems to be a step up over the earlier ones in quality.

>>445670445670 What "She" wants than. I'm just holding my own views in perspective while looking at what you are portraying. Compare and contrast and all that shit.

And also, you really don't wanna get into the subject of souls and religion anyway. Horrible, horrible things tend to happen

>>445429445429

The mirror thing is only really worth having if others cannot see the reflection, it which case it can be useful as a way for others to discover vampires.

>>445925445925 Good point.

>>445925445925 Indeed!

Celestia didn't seem very concerned.

>>427071427071 Interesting... that is now part of my headcannon! In this story though, that can't be the case, otherwise Twilight would be immortal and would be able to survive the use of the Elements. Actually, the Elements must not be able to cure vampirism anyway, because Luna has already been blasted with em and she wasn't 'cured'.

>>427071427071

>>447962447962

Many hold that Alicorns embody the traits of all three types of ponies, which would mean they are an even more rare result than a winged unicorn.

(which would explain why Celestia would not think Twilight would servive even if Celestia is a vampire herself, as just having wings would not mean she is immortal)

Haha!  I love it.  Vampire/Alicorn Twilight?  Interesting.  Well, she's certainly not going to be hard up for blood for a while if she can overcome her squeamishness and bottle some of this incredible god-like city-crushing mountain-bear thing she just annihilated.