• Member Since 4th Feb, 2012
  • offline last seen Feb 11th, 2020

RainbowDashian


E

After a grueling entry contest, Pinkie Pie wins and is chosen to be Ponyville's representative in the Seventieth Annual Iron Baker Competition. But, when faced with representatives from Manehattan, Fillydelphia, and even Canterlot, will Pinkie crack?

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 14 )

A good story, and an idea I'm surprised no one else has jumped at yet, so kudos :pinkiehappy:

That said, there are a few things that could be done to improve the telling. The most glaringly obvious one is to give more notice that the story is going from present to the past. It became rather hard to follow at times when it made a sudden shift, especially since both the past and present are dealing with similar events.

**Spoiler**A plot point that struck me as odd, how is it that the Manehattan pony won third if you said that the judges didn't like his food, and yet Fleur had a certainly passable meal, along with a fantastic dessert?**Spoiler**

I'm not sure I totally understood Pinkie slamming the pie into her face when she could have just ate it (We've seen her eat a tiered cake whole, a pie would be no problem), though the wording there made it sound to me like she had chucked the pie at Fleur. Just be careful when dealing with multiple members of the same gender and to not use he/she too liberally.

There were some typos and such, but that's easily remedied with some proofreading.

And finally, while this isn't so much of a writing issue, my culinary experience and time spent living in the islands is screaming at me to add this as well: Have you ever tried cracking open a coconut, much less scraping it out? It's a pain in the FLANK! you gotta have a machette/cleaver on hand and chop all the way around it to get it open, then the meat isn't exactly easy to scrape out. Not saying it couldn't be done here, but the way you wrote it made it sound more like she was breaking a few eggs.

Overall, a good story and an enjoyable read, and I hope the criticism helps for next time :pinkiehappy:

I haven't read your story but the picture caught my attention and made me go, "Pies oh my!"

413248 I agree with you that the manehatten pony thing. (don't want to elaborate, spoilers) :twilightoops:

413248
The wording "made it sound to me like she had chucked the pie at Fleur" made me laugh out loud, literally. :rainbowlaugh:

With the eating the pie thing, she had a minute and a half to do that. It's not like she could eat a pie and dump fruit on the dish in ninety seconds. It took her thirty to wash her hands!

And the present/past tense changes were only signified by the double space in paragraphs. I was trying to make it clear, yet still seem like slipping into a memory.

And, for the coconut thing, I wan't really trying to over word it. I was doing this as an auditionary story, so I was trying to break 4K in an hour. Needless to say, I didn't make it. :ajsleepy:

413248 413487

Oh, yeah. The whole thing about him winning was because, if Fleur got it, it'd seem like I was making the mess-up mess up.

The reasons I chose him for third:

1 - From experience in theater, I know that it's bad to audition either last or first. When you go first, expectations are high (Note the line "So, you're saying a slice of bread with some sauce is an entrée?"), so you normally get a lower score.

2 - Fleur's dishes were weirdly proportioned. It started out with a skimpy drink, then a huge meal, and then a slice of pie. While they tasted good, the planning wasn't done very well. Note that she sat there for over half of the competition. She was over-confident, and, thus, lost.

3 - And also, Fleur may be a really awesome background pony and such, but I don't think she needs more bits than she already has.

Is this story incomplete or is it just not marked as complete?

499758 whoops. Gonna change soon.

This is better written than Sugar Rush, it has more detail, but I've spotted at least one spelling error, Their might have been more. However it was hard to keep glued to this one with the subject matter, [Insert personal review here] Cooking isn't my thing, even in real life, I'd rather throw something in the microwave and get on with my day. Besides from that and the shipping, you've got potential.

a small cute story that doesn't need anymore chapters, but...
"she thanks the judges, the audience, and, most surprisingly, her fiancé back home" <- why is that surprising? its pretty normal for people to say that their lover or mate or whatever helped them go the distance... i could understand if it was a fiancée (female) that would be more surprising (female marring another female), but a fiancé (male)? that doesn't seem very surprising (female marring male) :P

The very ending felt a bit rushed, but otherwise very good!

684093
I'm just now taking French on my free time, so I only caught the feminine vs masculine thing. But I think it fits; Claudia's a bit too... Uncertain of herself to go so outside of the norm like that, in my opinion.

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