Master Chief Petty Officer John-117 was stranded on the half destroyed Forward Unto Dawn due to a slipspace malfunction for several years. He finally wakes up when a nearby inhabitable planet was detected by what was left of the ship's electronics.
No point on staying on a half destroyed ship.
EDIT: Okay, how did this story receive more likes than dislikes, and more than 10000 total views?
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If you don't like it, then criticize, not go all
.
I would say it's mediocre at best.
EDIT: Please, tear it to shreds,
eat it up, and then mail the excretion to me.I like it
...so they all know what a human and what a gun are?
I liked that alot but i just seem to have a problem with them knowing about humans and espesialy guns, and pinkie knowing everything too inst the greatest thing ever.. i look forward to the fight scene and if you could not make it so rushed? Dont worry i have troule with rushing it too
anyway keep it upo
Just one thing: here is a quote for the tech they instantly recognised.
"sufficiently advance technology is inseparable to magic"
How the hell did they know everything? Just rewrite it with more mystery. The only reason I like HIEs are because they are completely foreign to MLP. don't me discourage you, just keep improving! ;)
From, RancidMuffin
more
You mind if I try doing an independent rewrite of this? I'll keep it to myself, obviously, but I would be happy to PM you the results. The idea itself is very interesting, and I commend you for bringing up a logically correct way of bringing the Master Chief into Equestria.
Despite what everyone is saying, and a few bits that were hard to understand, there are quite a few pros to your style of writing. For starters, your attempt at describing the assault rifle is admirable. It's a difficult task that many writers would sidestep with something like this:
"...and stuck onto its back was a strange metal object."
You actually took this challenge head on. Although it didn't turn out the best it could have been, it is an admirable feat nonetheless.
As for the format and grammar, that can easily be fixed if you find someone to proofread this stuff for you.
Don't mind the hater comments. They're just mad they didn't come up with the idea in the first place.
407444 What did I say?
407411 Okay I'll fix that.
407482 I'll fix that.
409220 Yeah, I would say mediocre at MOST.
So far, so decent... you might wanna say how the ponies know humans exist, (mention that they know from stories, books, etc.) because its really confusing, also a bit rushed.
Yeah, id rewrite... i was gonna try to read, than covenant invaded, than i gave up.... Not to mention, WAY to rushed....
410633 Yup. that's why I'll rewrite chapters eventually
EDIT: No. Too lazy.
411041 i kinda mean... the whole story
Hey guys, I kind of got writer's block, if anyone's willing to help, compose a private message. I might choose one of them, I might not
if I no longer have writer's block.
Offer closes once this has been posted for 1 day and five hours!
Proofreader? ANYONE?
414335 I am willing to proofread... And also, you made an error, when John kicked the minor. "He grabbed the side mini door with the Plasma cannon, he flipped up and kicked the the same, jeering Brute Minor in the face. The Minor fell back at the force of the punch, he fell down at the other side door and fell out and crashed through a roof at his own mass he was most likely dead." My question is: Which one is it? Did John kick the minor, or punch him?
415337 Wait, how do you let someone proofread again? I never bothered to learn how you hire a proofreader but I
accept you.
Thanks for the mistake, I'll fix that error you just mentioned myself though.
415541 I don't know, but I am willing to work for free. I'm a generous person like that.
Also, just send me the story in email before you post it, I'll give you my email when you respond to this. (I forget if it shows email in someone's profile.)
415555 Okay, you can do the stuff in private messages
Okay, chapter four should be out in 1-3 days from when this is posted, mabye sooner, but don't be certain that it will be out in 3 days at the most.
Proofread by The Enemy Cube!
EDIT: Spring Break is over, now I can't do it as quickly.
hory shet
OH SHIT
If anyone's willing to see if Scootaloo went to the Underworld or Heaven then ask me in private messages, and don't spread the word. IF YOU REALLY WANT SPOILERS OF HER FATE THEN ASK ME.
Only in private messages, ONLY.
Offer expires when the comment is 1 day and 12 hours old! (You have 36 hours at the most)
Commenting about Scootaloo's death completely will get you the answer too.
So if you include it, with something else, then you won't get it.
EDIT: Heh, that was just something to tantalize or something.
FIRST and I want a
MERCY SETTINGS: OFF WEPONS SYSTEMS OPERATIONAL SCOOTALOO WILL BE AVENGED
Hi, it took a while for this to come out.
2ND YAY
*Fic is rated 18 down to 12 up*
Oh dear.
Well, I'll give this a shot, but I don't expect much. My expectations are low due to stupid amounts of halo in this fandom for no reason.
I should be able to increase personality accuracy due to the fact I watched the first 8 episodes.
EDIT: I watched the two whole seasons twice.
Sorry about the short chapter here.
Alright, time to end this. Celestia and Luna will use a humongous magic blast to rip a hole in the Supercarrier. Then Chief and the Mane Six/Lyra/Scootaloo will make the main reactor go critical and escape just before the big bang.
472096 But it really was though. The Other World has that title now.
I am sorry... but this just seems so forced... and rushed. It's not bad by any means, and I know some people like that style... but it just isn't working for me. Sorry. Not gonna vote it down though, so
Other than the chief being out of character in some places, it is seeming to be a good read. Heres a suggestion: the chief doesn't talk much, so you should try and keep him to a minimal. Maybe Cortana can do most of the talking for him?
One thing is, I find it boring when the main character barely talks. And since he barely talks, it's the reason it's so hard to understand him, except that he's a man of few words.
Dude, Spartan-B312 talks less. But the Rookie doesn't even talk! Nice catch with Cortana, I sometimes virtually forget her for chapters.
478952 Aren't Supercarriers near invincible from outer assault? I mean, it's pretty much suicide.
Well, considering how powerful Celestia and Luna are, if they're capable of moving the sun and moon they can rip a hole in a supercarrier.
595538 Isn't that, just something that goes with them? (I may be wrong, I am, a fairly new brony. I've only been hardcore for two months.)
595548 You mean Celestia raising the sun and Luna raising the moon? Yeah, those roles are always associated with them.
Without a gravemind the flood was not suppose to be in forces but only be rouges in the first place.
Chyou! Chyou! Chyou!
nice sound effects
this sounds interesting. i will read it later
410633 I know this is over half a year late, but I'm not rewriting. I'll use it as an example for how much I've improved. So that I can have a mark of how much I've improved.
The Master Chief just cannot catch a break
lol. Even the Flood won't leave him alone!
BTW, @ lichmewtwo
Your avatar.....
BLAM! HERESY!!!11one!2!!
(yet somehow impressive)
ehem....
All I wanted was the flood in Equestria and I find an interesting story that has shit everywhere with scenes that last for about 10 seconds...
I like it.
What he knew was, that 104 Elites were on their way.
Everypony looked at him with cunfusion.
"Oh, it's simple," he told them,"The GOOD aliens have green Phantoms. The others are purple or red."
Red text was misspelled in the story. Should be "Confusion".
i dont think Master Chief would say
that would be Cortana's line
Just keep in mind MC is a man of few words
but i like how you implied the Spartan-III's were more impulsive than S-II's