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The Writers' Group56,384 stories ·9,291 members
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Scootaloo builds her own super sized scooter stunt half-pipe on the outskirts of town in an attempt to earn her cutie mark in extreme sports. She insists on doing it alone, and soon regrets it when a terrible crash leaves her immobile and separated from her friends.
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Well. That was something.
A really enjoyable and fairly lighthearted crisis story.
I love the banter between the Crusaders.
All in all, good job!
4467677 Thanks! I'm glad you like it, the dialogue was fun to write
I liked it but i think you should've made Applebloom and Sweetie Bell a bit more shocked to see Scootaloo lieing on the floor, for all they knew she could've been dead
4467884 yeah...But other than that,DAMN GOOD STORY!
4467884 Good point, I should have worked that in there more
Good story, have a
If it's okay with you, I'd like to offer some constructive criticism. If not, just go ahead and delete this comment. I won't mind.
"but this is getting ridiculous. It's getting late in the afternoon and we started at what, 7:00 A.M?"
When you describe time or numbers in a fic, you should write it out to make it less jarring on a reader. In this case I would suggest, "and we started at what, seven in the morning?"
This really stood out as unusual since you never do this again in the fic, even spelling out fifty yards later.
One recurring problem for me in this fic are words and phrasing that I could never really see the characters using such as:
"Applebloom, would you stop being such a killjoy?" <--- scootaloo.
"To here dismay, they were too far up to hear her." <--- your spell check didn't catch this since it was technically correctly spelled, but that first here should be her.
"Don't you think you're overreacting just a little bit? I'm sure she can manage herself."
"You know what, forget you. I'm going to go get her."
These three are friends. If there is a danger like this, they'll surely help each other, not to mention the "forget you" thing doesn't sound like anything I could imagine them saying.
"Wait up, I'm coming with you!" Sweetie yelled, quickly changing her mind. <---- you don't need to tell us she changed her mind. The part where she says "wait up" does that.
Scootaloo simply pressed her face into the ground, crying, hoping the stones wouldn't land on small body. <--- should be her small body. I won't point out all of these mistakes like this because of time considerations.
"Several more stones battered legs and back fiercely; the pain was becoming unbearable. She couldn't see her back, but the deep gashes being torn into her skin from the sharp ice were apparent from the stinging alone. A few of the stones rolling down her side and near her face were bloodstained, turned a dull red from the blood sticking to them."
This is awfully violent for what basically gets glossed over later. I think if you're going to keep a level of violence this high, the repercussions need to be just as high. This is serious, multiple night in the hospital type stuff.
"AGGH!" A hailstone cracked Sweetie's head, and she tumbled to the ground, nearly paralyzed from the impact.
Holy crap, man. Especially over the top for something that gets waved away later.
"No seriously, can we all go down there tomorrow? I was so close to nailing that stunt. Just a few more tries and it'll be perfect. I'll have my cutie mark in daredevil stunts in no time!"
Despite both of her legs being broken, her back shredded by hail, and sweetie's concussion, they're ready for round two tomorrow despite Sweetie's rudimentary healing skills. What a bunch of troopers.
"A light rain, peaceful kicked in, easing the remaining two off to sleep." <---- Not sure what happened here. Maybe a google docs thing.
All in all, this is a fic with some great potential, but your tone is off. We have serious injuries with consequences next to hand waving making everything okay. IF you really wanted this fic to go that dark, the other ponies would almost definitely have to get involved, not to mention a hospital trip. I would have suggested Scootaloo getting knocked out early on during the hail so that the weight of the situation sat on Applebloom and Sweetie Belle's shoulders a little more. I also would have had Scootaloo awaken in the hospital, full of remorse and apologetic.
I'm going to follow you because I think it's only a matter of time before you write a truly great story, and I want to be one of the first to see it. For now, I have three tips for you if you aren't already doing them.
1. When editing your fic, Go through and read it out loud to yourself to make sure it sounds right. Truly listen to the words you are saying. You'll catch tons of errors that way.
2. When you write dialogue, imagine the character saying that dialogue in your head in their voice if you can. You can usually weed out OOC dialogue like that.
3. Wait one week from the time of completion of the fic until you post it, and read it over one last time before you pull the trigger on it. When you first finish the story, you know it like the back of your hand and know exactly how it's going to go. When you read it a little later on, You'll have forgotten many of the tiny details, and suddenly sentence and phrasing errors will pop out at you like you won't believe.
I hope to see more fics out of you in the future!
Starlitomega
4472882 Wow, that's one heck of a review.
I'm not sure why you think I would want to delete your comment, you took the time to explain your opinion so I appreciate that. While I don't necessarily agree with every single thing you said, you did make some good points. 
As for the small errors:
Fixed.
Fixed that.
And fixed that too, thanks for pointing them out. Obvious errors are the only things I'm willing to edit after the story has been uploaded.
I do normally wait an extra day or two before publishing stories, but once I get into the "Yeah I want to upload this today" mood it's hard to let it sit for a week just to review it again. The longer it sits, the more I worry about it and become indecisive
Thanks for the follow and taking the time to write all that!
4476174
Some people can't take criticism well, so I've come to expect either overreaction or hostility. I'm glad you took it so well, and it further proves that I have a good reason for following you.
I can't blame you. I have three stories uploaded which could really use some tonal shifts and in general, reworking. But, I have like five different fics in the works, and I can't really afford to dwell on the past.
I know this feeling too. It's so hard to wait, but keep this in mind. If something was a good idea then, it should be a good idea later too.
If you have any questions or I can help in any way, please let me know! I don't know everything, but hey, two people fumbling in the dark are better than one.