Part 1- Mostly Harmful
The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy has this to say on the subject of ponies;
“Cute.”
The concise, and indeed abrupt nature of certain portions of this compendium of knowledge is due in part to lack of space, but more to the total lack of competence, motivation and sobriety of the vast majority of the guide’s staff. The fact that races very similar to ponies inhabit a fairly large portion of the galaxy apparently only increases the irrelevance of any entry on ponies.
"Why write about what people already zarking know? The damn things are pretty much endemic to half the galaxy!" as Stagyar Zil Doggo once said, and forcefully for he had not yet had a chance to have lunch, to the unfortunate writer who had suggested perhaps elaborating somewhat.
The fact that a major type of life form fails to get an entry over one word, while articles on far more obscure, if interesting, subjects can run to the thousands of words tells rather more about the guide than most staff would want to be known. The article on Equestria for example, despite being only a single land on a single, uncontacted world, is quite long, whereas none of the millions of races that are sufficiently equid in nature to be called “ponies” warrant so much as a footnote, nor does the apparent tendency for life to gravitate towards the small, quadrupedal and adorable warrant mention.
More popular than the "Celestia's Homecare" omnibus, better selling than "Fifty-Three More Things to Do When Trapped in the Moon", and more controversial than the infamous "Cupcakes" fanfiction, this wholly remarkable book has the rare distinction of existing in almost all layers of reality. In almost no way of looking at The Whole Sort Of General Mish-Mash (as it is technically known) is there not a guide for seeing the marvels of the universe, surviving fantastic encounters with horrific monsters and finding the nearest and cheapest intoxicants wherever one happens to find oneself. But like so many things, the story of the book can be traced back to some remarkably unremarkable people. A group of ponies from Equestria were not among them particularly, except inasmuch as they were involved in the fate of the galaxy writ large. At this moment in time they are utterly unaware of their destiny, even for the next five minutes. It is possible, were they to know their destiny BEYOND the next five minutes, they would have given it one look before throwing up their hooves and giving up on the entire thing.
The fact that one among them was not of the same species as the others had not occurred to any of them. Well, the thought had occurred to all of them at least once, but none of them had given it serious consideration. If any of them had done so, or had they compared notes, they might have become convinced, for though she took great care to seem like a normal earth pony, but she was about as competent at this task as any other roving writer for the aforementioned guide would be. Luckily for her cover, the others quickly learned to dismiss any odd behaviour on her part as "Just being Pinkie Pie", and therefore just a part of nature; like the sun being magically lifted up every day, and pegasi orchestrating the weather.
*
Sugar Cube Corner was silent at present. Well, almost. There were a few clops, a bang or two, and a muffled expletive. A single tired Pegasus stumbled out of the front door, one eye half closed, the other fully so. She tossed her rainbow mane out of her eyes, and immediately regretted it as the headache that had so far only been knocking politely on the front door of her mind, now barged in and demanded to know exactly how much she had drunk last night. Carefully, she stepped back inside, doing her best not to invoke the wrath of the hideous monster that was her hangover.
Water. Need water. The singular thought drove her to the kitchen.
As she attached herself to the tap, another blurry shape came down the stairs. She focused hard as her throat gyrated, trying to remember what orange was, and what this indicated about the pony joining her.
"Mornin' Sugarcube".
Rainbow decided that the orange thing was probably friendly, and extended a greeting.
"Gnuuuuh"
Applejack stared at her friend, who was obviously in no mood to converse. The earth pony was made of sturdier stuff than her rainbow maned friend, and was one of those ponies capable of knocking back an almost fatal dose of alcohol and suffering next to no ill effects. Beyond those that would be fairly standard for anypony suddenly in possession of more hooves than she could conceivably cope with of course, hangovers were not her problem. She leaned against a wall, watching as Dash pulled away from the tap and sat on the floor, apparently now more ready to deal with the world.
"Where’s everypony else?" she rasped, rubbing her head.
"Well, Twi's asleep on Pinkies bed, ah don't think she's gonna be too badly off. Pinkie's just stirrin', an' if I know her, she'll be feelin' friskier than…" Before Applejack could summon a suitable simile, a pink maned ball of confusion came flying down the stairs, pushing ahead of it two startled ponies and one startled dragon: Fluttershy gave a squeak of terror as she approached the ground floor at speed, wings locked tight to her sides. Spike span in the air as his small frame reflexively blew fire from his nostrils, narrowly avoiding singeing the purple unicorn who just had time to summon a pile of cushions from nowhere at the bottom of the stairs, into which all three fell with a whump, and the faint smell of burning feathers. Rarity followed regally a moment later, obviously having had just sufficient time to do her hair effectively, clean her makeup and even evade the party pony. Before anypony could open their mouths to forge a sensible conversation, Pinkie gave a cough, and, in the most serious voice any of them had ever heard her use she began.
“Everypony? I have something to say.”
She looked so uncharacteristically serious that none of them even considered interrupting her. Pinkie Pie was not usually given to taking control like this.
"Ok you guys, I have to tell you the most important thing you're ever going to hear, I have to tell you now, and I have to tell you while you're all sitting down because it's super duper important for you to hear but it’s also kinda frightening and I don't want anypony to fall over or anything, and I know that you're all probably thinking this is just “Pinkie being Pinkie” and although I'm still Pinkie and I'm going to be Pinkie for the rest of my life I am not just being Pinkie here when I tell you I wasn't always Pinkie."
It was an impressively long run-on sentence, and the other ponies and dragon were all fighting internal battles on the twin fronts of Not Letting Your Face Show Amusement and Following What The Hell Pinkie Just Said, with varying degrees of success. Dash was fighting yet another battle, the hard front of Not Giving Up On The Entire Concept Of Living.
She rallied sufficiently to enquire what the hell she, Pinkie, was talking about, and how she, Pinkie, expected her, Dash, to listen properly when her, Pinkie's, voice was several octaves higher than was comfortable for her, Dash. This also when she, Dash, was seriously considering going straight back to her, Dash's, bed, because she, Dash, had a thoroughly impressive hangover and was not in the mood for this sort of thing first thing in the morning. The others concurred, but without resorting to the multiple expletives that have been left out for decency’s sake. Seemingly unfazed, Pinkie continued.
"What would you guys say if I said I wasn't actually raised on a rock farm?" Start them out slow, she thought.
Twilight scoffed a little. "Frankly Pinkie, I’m surprised that you expected us to believe that in the first place. Rocks aren't like the weather you know, they happen without ponies helping out."
"I mean, what if I said I wasn't from Equestria?” The others looked blank. “If I said I came from somewhere completely different? I mean if I said I actually just came here one day and got stuck, and then never tried to leave because I was just having so much fun and then I met you guys and everything was so great that I couldn't tell you because then you would think I was a big lying liar pants and you wouldn't wanna be my friends anymore?” The blankness intensified. “What If I said I actually came from a planet just a teensy bit away from Betelgeuse?" She looked around at them with a fragile smile.
Silence filled the room. The silence hung around for a few moments, waiting to be ejected from proceedings. Twilight was looking Pinkie in the eyes. She felt, as the only one who knew exactly what and where Betelgeuse was, she should have a little more to offer, but all of her calculations told her it was FAR too far away to ever teleport to, and the prospect of flying there was frankly ridiculous. Applejack had gone slack jawed. She knew a lie when she saw one, and this wasn't one. Dash was wondering if she had heard the pink pony correctly, or if she had just missed several steps in the conversation. She was prepared to believe either. Rarity was gearing up to comment, but it was Fluttershy who broke the silence, which by now had begun to feel awkward with itself.
"Um." Pinkie peered at the pastel pony, who screwed up her courage and said in a small voice "Why are you telling us now?"
Pinkie gave a little yelp.
"OOOH! Because the world is ending in two minutes!"
The ponies stared. The silence which had only just been ejected from proceedings slunk back in the door, and settled itself down for a long stay. It was rudely turfed out by an unexpected sound from somewhere above. It was a voice, and a truly horrible one at that. It spoke equine in a manner likely to cause the most hardened, deafened and possibly even dead pony to cringe in horror. It was a voice with nothing good to say, and no inclination to even try. It echoed around the the room, seeming to come off of every surface, reverberating with unspeakable malice.
"People of Equestria” It began “your attention please, this is Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz of the Galactic Hyperspace Planning Council. As you will no doubt be aware, your planet has been declared in violation of northern galactic planning zone under Galactic Planning Law statute 1F32JJI: An inhabited planet operating with an unlicensed and impossible stellar mass. As two letters have been sent to your local planning office and there has been no response, your planet has regrettably been scheduled for demolition.” The voice very clearly did not consider the demolition regrettable in the slightest. “The process will take slightly less than two of your Equestrian minutes. Thank you very much." There was a click, followed by the sound of laboured breathing.
“How do you turn this thing off then?” the voice asked petulantly. Some unseen hand must have helped, because the sound dropped out.
Rarity turned to face Pinkie. “If this is some sort of joke Pinkie...” but the look of horror on her friend’s face told her that this most certainly was not.
“Sounds like they got here.”
“Who?”
“You don’t want to know.”
All six ponies dashed outside, dragging Spike along, who for his part had remained stunned for the duration of the previous events. All over Ponyville, ponies of all kinds were staring directly upwards. Hanging silently in the sky, huge, yellow, metallic and with absolutely zero regard for either aesthetics or its own weight, hung something.
It was not quite cubic, with every last part of it somehow contriving to utterly fail to please the eye in a new and unpleasant way. Where it should have been clean it was dirty, where dirt would have hidden the nastiness, it was polished to a shine. Rust clung like some hideous creature to corners, large enough to be visible even from ground level, and the official looking markings were fonted and kerned in such a way as to induce nausea even in an illiterate. Rarity almost fainted dead away at the sight. Ponies did not have radio, so there was no voice to answer this challenge to their existence. The Prostetnic Captain, slightly disappointed at not being able to lecture the planet below and get himself properly angry, pressed the button, set to Rubble. As horrified ponies watched, beams of light stabbed down.
The sound was almost as unpleasant as the ships had been. A deep, bass boom extending into a howl as displaced wind flared out in all directions from contact points across the planet. For there had been hundreds of ships, thousands, positioned all over the lonely planet with its own orbiting sun and moon, which now flew away into space as the planet they had served boiled away to nothingness. The sun would go on to collide with a large meeting of record company executives, which just goes to show that all events have their bright side. The moon, and the rubble which once served as a home for millions of intelligent beings, spread thinly out into the cosmos, all new silicate flotsam for the interstellar void. For a moment, an after image of the planet hung in the sky as a perfect sphere of yellow chunky ships sat still, apparently in the middle of nowhere. Then they peeled away, leaving nothing behind.
And so the end of the world happened. It ended without complaint, and slightly ahead of schedule, which would at least give the captain something to write on his reports and potentially get angry about. Really, very little of this story was ever going to concern Equestria, better to hurry on without getting bogged down.
*
The Hitchhikers Guide, in a moment of surprising clarity, mentions that the minds of most races are simply not geared to deal with certain events, especially tragedy beyond a certain scale. One death is a tragedy, but the induced upset per life reduces exponentially, to the point where 10,000 deaths is very much the same as 11,000 deaths. Very few beings are capable of properly comprehending more than a few without just filing the full extent of the event at the back of their mind, marked "Do not open". This is a defence mechanism, as the full tragedy of even a single life extinguished before its time is something few would be able to cope with, let alone the uncounted trillions that have done so thus far in the universe.
For any event wherein there was significant loss of life, most beings will be aware that it is a bad thing, but will not feel it on a personal level. This is made easier if the event happened far away, at least on a different part of their planet, and preferably on the other side of the galaxy. One race which, by some quirk of evolutionary psychology did not gain this ability are the Mardajons of Lepluss. They are solitary purple creatures which spend almost all of their lives paralysed with grief, as they feel every single death as if it were deeply personal. Their economy subsists almost entirely on the production of dark corners to sit shaking in, paper bags to hide from the world in, and military grade intoxicants of all kinds. The only reason the Mardajons have yet to die out, is that solace is often enough sought carnally, and the Mardajons, by another quirk of nature, happen to be frightfully good at breeding. This is a shame, because a nice clean extinction would be a boon to them all. This simply goes to show that while evolution is the driving force behind all life in the universe, it can mess things up just as well as an inattentive god could. The guide goes on to explain that the Mardajons were particularly grateful when partisan politics were invented, as this enabled them to stop caring about others at all.
*
Not being among their number, our six ponies and one baby dragon were not as fazed as one might have thought by the wholesale destruction of their home planet. This event was simply too big to think about. Another reason that they weren't upset right at this second, was that they were all, with the exception of Pinkie, unconscious. She had been through a matter transference beam before after all, and she took the opportunity to think.
Had it been a good idea to get them all drunk last night? Admittedly she herself had barely woken up in time, but all in all she had learned that a hangover had the effect of causing enough self pity that a pony could ignore almost anything, and this assisted with a first try at non-magical teleportation. And how else could she have brought them all together? Since the magic of alcohol had been discovered by the group, it seemed that whenever she threw one of her ordinary trademark Pinkie Pie Parties, it generally gravitated towards the stuff. Besides, it had worked right? It was a shame she couldn't have brought more along, but even seven beings was stretching it for something done without the Vogons noticing and locking them out. As it was, they had arrived intact in a rather squalid, but currently unoccupied sleeping quarters. Thank Celest... well, thank somepony for the Dentrassi. Without them, hitching a lift with Vogons would be impossible on a very VERY good day, and suicidal on all of the other days. She peered into her bag, making sure she had everything she needed. In addition to the electronic thumb she had used to hitch a ride, she had her towel, her sub-ether radio, which she had used to pick up news of the arrival of the Vogons, and a copy of that most remarkable book, The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. Sighing, she scrolled down to the entry on Equestria. These days places had unnaturally rapid updates, as revisions could be beamed from the future when the news finally reached the editor. She stared. Oh. This was going to be awkward to explain.
*
Back in the void left behind by Jeltz, a bright spark of golden light moved around, trailed by another purple one. Slowly, a worldlet formed, growing. Water bubbled up, creating seas and lakes, mountains sprouted like snowy spines and grass spread like spilled paint. Had anyone looked closely, they would have seen towns, roads, houses forming. A tall white alicorn followed by a smaller purple one strode along, and life spread out from them in ripples. Ponies frozen in the act of peering upwards were magicked back into existence, an orbiting sun and moon formed above, spinning gently.
Backup restored.
*
“So, just one second Sugarcube, why exactly can’t we go back?” Applejack’s voice was patient, barely.
“Weeeell…” Pinkie bit her lip. “Apparently Celestia is so super duper powerful she could have just remade the whole planet around us again and we wouldn’t even have noticed. And she did, including everypony there. Everypony, and that means us. We’ll have been brought back to live out our normal lives and we can’t exactly go back, I mean how weird would that be, there’d be two of me and although that would mean really super awesome parties and some great pranks and all sorts of…”
“So what do we do now?” Twilight interrupted.
“We could try hiding.”
“From what exactly?”
“The ship’s owners, I don’t think they’ll want us onboard.”
“Can’t we talk to them?”
“Not unless we are really really unlucky.”
“But they let us on didn’t they?”
Pinkie bit her lip again, and sucked air through her teeth. “Not technically”
Pinkie looked around as the clanging of boots sounded in the hallway. “Also, it looks like the Vogons have found us and are almost certainly going to be really mean and throw us off the ship and I really don’t think we can persuade them to turn around and drop us off.”
Rainbow Dash facehoofed, the others just stood dumbstruck. As large green shapes came through the door, only Applejack could say anything.
“Oh horseapples”
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I read the title and instantly knew that this will be AWESOME
Have some stuff I want to complain about!
"more controversial than the infamous "Cupcakes" fanfiction, This wholly remarkable book" - Random capital letter
"Then they pealed away, leaving nothing behind." - Wrong word (try peeled)
"The Hitchhikers Guide, in a moment of surprising clarity" - Missing apostrophe
"One race which, by some quirk did not gain this ability to write off tragedy are the Mardajons of Lepluss." - Missing comma
"evolution is the driving force behind all life in he universe" -
"Back in the void left behind by Jeltz, a bright spark of light moved around, trailed by another purpler one." - Not sure if using wrong word, or just reading wrong...
"And she did, including Everypony there." - Another random capital letter
"Vogon’s know exactly the right fiction to bring out" - Unnecessary comma
Oh, god. Considering how bad Vogon poetry is, I can't even begin to understand how terrible their fanfiction will be.
*shudders*
402664 Ugh, it's like a hundred goffik writers all came together to write the biggest Mary Sue in the entire universe ever.
I love the movie... and I love this fan fiction.
oh, and I would be happier if you added this part ===>(so long, and thanks for all the fish)
"Backup restored." ... *snort, facehoof*
The sad thing about that snippit of Volgon fanfiction is that it sounds just like many actual fics people have written. XD
PINKIE'S AN ALIEN!!
Somehow, this doesn't surprise me...
I am so, so, sorry that I waited this long to begin reading. Take my like.
Douglas Adams never died. Proof.
The way you manage to maintain all characterization perfectly and at the same time mimic exactly Douglas Adams' style of writing is beyond me. This is the most awesome thing ever.
YOU JUST HAD TO TAKE MT MOST FAVOERITE BOOK EVER AND PUT PONIES IN IT????? I CAN"T STOP SMILING!!!!!!!!!
May I have your attention please... Thank you.
That is all.
"Just being Pinkie Pie"---- Aha. I now see everything. I have reached enlightenmen
I must read that book again. It was maybe 3 years or so since last time.
I need a towel. At least I celebrated official towel day this year.
This is just awesome.
Really, very little of this story was ever gong to concern Equestria
tosed his chaging colured mane and it flowed
split it down the middl like a horn splittin
1. Going.
2. Tossed, Changing, Coloured (or Colored, whichever you prefer).
3. Middle. Splitting.
402954 With Sergeant Sprinkles playing as the bad guy, while on SAM and Rainbow Factory.
I cannot possibly upvote you hard enough for this. You've genuinely captured Douglas Adams's humor.
945814 Only the first of those is an error. The others are from the Vogon fanfiction, which is supposed to be godawful.
Oh no, the Vogons have fanfiction now?
: I haven't read HG2G in such a long time, this brings back many happy memories (and also memories of the movie, which was meh).
Continuing to read. This brings me smiles.
420223 I just have to say that the movie was highly disappointing. The books, on the other hoof, are masterpieces! (I have the leatherbound edition myself with Young Zaphod Plays It Safe, as well as all five books of the trilogy.)
First chapter: Frickin' AMAZING. Well done. Totally worthy of the Hitchhiker's Guide name.
iambrony.jsmart.web.id/mlp/gif/90728__UNOPT__safe_gif_artist-ask-thecrusaders_panic.gif
YES!!!
24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lq6aiot16B1qh75sgo1_500.gif
This. Is. Perfectly. Done.
482565
Proof Vogons live among us.
My brain flawlessly replicates the story in the voices of the movie characters. Stephen Fry makes a wonderful voice for the Guide.
So this would be book 7 of 6 in the series?
You sir, get my seal of approval.
and now having read a snippit of Vogon fanfiction i need a PGGB.
Headcanon accepted.
Also, from what I've seen so far, which is to say the first chapter and the summary page, this looks like an excellent fic and you should feel excellent. ONWARDS!
2636514 a what?
Ok, I am reading this with my towel in one hand and a chilled Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster in the other, and you have another favorite with the line:
Dammit! Somebody wrote this! Ah, well, it's probably better than I could ever write it from what I read thus far. This might be better than that Colfer one.
I'm glad I caught this. It's going to be a blast; I know it.
Liked and Faved!
Is it weird that I read this in the narrators voice from the movie?
2644226Hell no! Because I did the same thing!
Yes...
Just fucking yes...
2644226 Ever tried reading it in Peter Jones'?
The line about Rainbow's hangover barging in is a perfect bit of Adams style humor.
Pinkie being an alien makes all too much sense.
Is there a part missing for me on chapter one? No matter how many times I go back or refresh or anything.. It stops dead after AJ says "oh horseapples". there's no mention of vogon fan fiction at all and suddenly in chapter 2 we have twilight teleporting. I'm missing some huge part I swear