So first off you got this pony Vinyl Scratch. Who has a terrible secret! Then you got this mare Octavia, who... doesn't want to bother people? Just read it.
PS. It's my first fan fiction. Be gentle.
Chapters (2)
isaiahbob
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*looks at description* you're gonna have to be a little less vague, chap.
I liked the idea of the story but it was fast paced, if you layed more detail into it I would be able to completely understand what they were doing at the moment for example you wrote that Octavia came in and sat on the bed, instead you can describe the texture and color of the bed? Just small things like these help a lot. If this seems offensive I'm not trying to, just giving a suggestion
Woah, no offence, but this is pretty bad.
First off, your grammar in the first part "Vinyl Scratch lie on the top bunk" The way you put it doesn't make sense. If you would read what you have (Sorry, I don't know if you do) then you would know that it doesn't sound right. Lies, would be better, but I would just change the entire sentence around so you don't have to use the word lie at all becouse that is a very tricky word to get the right tense for. No matter what it always sounds wrong.
Next sentence (if you can call it that) is "She was always on the top bunk" One, you should have connected the first two sentences, and just by reading these together I feel hot anger. If that was what you were going for than you succeeded, but there is no reason for anger at the very beginning of your story.
As you have seen I used parenthesis two times. You used it wrong. Something that has to do with the story I.E. Octavia's anger shouldn't be put in ()'s that is part of the story. ()'s are used as in interrupt and break the story's flow. It can be used correctly, but you should never start your story with one. That just confuses your reader like it did me.
The next part is Vinyl stating "It's a fucking secret!" One, I knew it was Vinyl talking becouse the sentence before stated that, and you don't add the word likely in your descriptors. Those should be minimized and only be one word, like angrily or relieved. It slows down the story, but has its place.
I hope this helps, and know that I don't wish to start a fight, just want to help someone out when it comes to writing.
Thank you
4351218 lol. From your first sentence I thought that would be much harsher. I hear you. I'll look into it.
its kind of refreshing to read a simple quick fast paced story like this. seems fine to me.
First off, I make no promises.
This line is a Mess. its lacking any grammatical tense, 'lie' is present tense and 'was' is past tense, don't mix your tense's.
Secondly; It sounds awkward and has improper use of parenthesis. as 4351218 said; "()'s are used as in interrupt and break the story's flow."
usually they are used as a side note.
Better wording would be; 'Vinyl Scratch was lying on the top bunk as per usual much to Octavia's irritation'. It links the sentences and the whole line together better and keeps flow.
Don't do this, ever. Never use a symbol as a whole sentence, if octavia was saying 'question mark' then type it out. Don't put symbols or numbers in speech, all it does is jar the reader (however, when it comes to longer numbers its appropriate to use numbers not words, such as 77 and the hundreds)
out of immersion into the story, particularly symbols as I wasn't sure if there was just a missing sentence there. Don't confuse the reader.
These are just a few things I noticed.
Also there needs to be a bit more description, for all I know, they could be lying on a bunk bed that's floating in a swimming pool or they could be in an open field. Set the scene, briefly describe where they are even if you just say that they are in their room.
Second, you often state that they are either confused or nervous or whatever. Try to show that they are instead of simply telling the reader that they are.
for example 'Vinyl was nervous, shifting and fidgeting with the bedsheets' or 'Octavia's brow furrowed in clear confusion at Vinyl's off hoof comment' etc, etc, yada, yada. Then you could maybe go on to explain why she was confused or something.
My advice, get an editor, they will help you smooth out the kinks in the story, also a pre reader helps. These aren't hard to find as there are a few groups you can join and ask for help, and they will most likely be glad to help.
Also keep writing and practising, when one starts writing they can only go up. You'll get the hang of it.
Air Heart.
4352521 If I were harsher than you wouldn't listen to my message.