I am going to tell you a funny story.
I know little one, I tell you funny stories all the time. But this one is different. This is a story filled with adventure, entwined with thick romance! Encircled in decite and the deepest shadows of mystery! This is a story of beutiful art that has spured tales bound your wildest dreams.
And it is about a young zebra mare trying to find her place. Trying to find her home. Trying to find her honor. And of course, trying to be funny!
I supose this is not a funny story. But it is an important one. And one that shall teach you everything about why we are here now, and what we will do next.
Chapters (1)
Try spacing the story.
This story doesn't look bad at all.
The aspect of a zebra MC is something not too common.
As Supercharger said, you should do spaces. Many of them. Every time the speaker changes in a dialogue, before a dialogue starts and when it ends. And if paragraphs start to describe something very different.
You might not believe it and like your format of the story (maybe you did it on GoogleDocs before) but on FIMfiction it looks much nicer to do paragraphs.
The story has an interesting start with the zebra being beaten by somepony else, then she gets knocked out and then she gets this operation with the cyber eye. Don't get me wrong, the first part was well written, but it's kinda unnecessary. You could've started with her waking up after the operation and nothing would have really changed (at least so far)
But there's no need to change that.
I don't fully understand what happens in this chapter and who the "bad guys" are.
The team of the doctor beat the zebra up to the point where it needs operation. Then they bring him/her (?) to a ship and give it a cybernetic eye. When she awakes there are suddenly slavers all over the place, who are fighting the doctor's team. And after they are gone, the doctor's tram enslaves the zebra? Because they are pirates?
I don't really see the necessity of her getting that eye if the pirates want to capture her, it seems a bit forced for your character to get a PipBuck-like item (yes, you can talk Tetragrammaton...)
It would be nice if you would clarify all those plot-twists, because there are many of them in the first chapter.
It's a very nice story and I would like to read more of it. Have a like under the suspensive condition that you fix the spacing.
4347499
Thank's for the advice! I'll try working on it.
I'll fix the spacing for sure. I usually just upload from google docs, but I was forced to copy paste after it began glitching out. I'll see what I can do on fixing the formatting.
4347499
be assured that wasn't the primary reason, and I'm still trying to remedy that issue.
Also on the topic of a forced pip-buck device:
I was also a bit worried that an issue may come up surrounding that, but it was an important part that she got it at this point in time, as it effects future events
But over all, in my opinion, the coolness in the chapter balances out with all the weird stuff. So I can't give it a thumbs up or down. I can say however that I am looking forward to reading more chapters in the future. Keep up the good work and I hope you never get writer's-block.
good so far
4355722
I like variation with PipBucks. It doesn't always have to be a bulky grey glove on the foreleg. It's never really explained how the SATS works, if it is triggered by something magical or maybe in the same way the Fallout game protagonists do it, some interactive HUD or thought triggered activation maybe.
The point is, the PipBuck technology is so... nebulous, that everything is possible.
Maybe the zebra wore a recollector as a part of the surgical-equipment, like a coma-machine (I don't know the name of that device)
4357450
ok, that works for me.
Just so you know, your story was added to the Fallout Equestria Group by G-man64! Feel free to PM me if you have any questions!
As according to some of the comments I revived, I did edit the ending a bit to be more "realistic," so to speak. Please reread the ending!
And please don't say it's only me who is annoyed there ain't no Woona face.