Ten years ago Spike left Ponyville out of fear of his rampages hurting somepony. Now he has returned and must face up to the events surrounding his departure.
Needs work, but I am not quite sure how to make it better. Please comment and critique.
Disclaimers:
MLP is the property of Hasbro
Cover image made by GreyAcumane on Ponibooru
Page generated in 0.038 seconds
Total duration
832 users online
987,446 hits today, 1,822,946 yesterday
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
![http://i.imgur.com/fZr5857.png[/img]](http://i.imgur.com/fZr5857.png[/img]){kind=link}
A/N:
Thank you for reading. Please tell me how I can improve this and don’t tell me it’s fine the way it is because that’s a load of crap. One thing I might do if there is enough interest is make an epilogue in which everyone gathers in the Everfree forest at Rarity’s grave for a sort of belated funeral.
This was not intended to be a shipfic between Spike and Sweetie Belle. This is just a tale of forgiveness. Please don’t start a shipping debate of Spikity vs. Spikie Belle.
Hmm... No comments, no rating, interesting concept... ONWARD!
I think Spike x Sweetie Belle is adorable, but never mind that. Good writing, funny humor, and heart-wrenching end. Thumbs up and very nice work. You accidentally typed in [i/] a few times instead of "[/ i]" though, so you should fix that. But anyway, this is seriously sad, and the emotions come across as genuine, although you might want to shave off a few words here and there when things get really intense. At least in my experience, people talk less when they're overcome with grief, and only tearfully soliloquize on Grey's Anatomy, et al. But the most important thing is that the emotions come through, and I'm a sucker for regretful adult Spike. Seriously, I love that poor bastard.
i3.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/newsfeed/000/196/848/130724165216-COOL_STORY_BRO.jpg
Cheers
~iraqlobstah
I've gotten to the part with the new Pinkie Pie swear, and I've found three problems, though only one is with the story itself.
1. I immediately noticed something that I knew would bother me, and it's that stories tend to be more spaced out.
2. If Spike really left as suddenly as he did, then reuniting with Twilight would be a bit more emotional. You nailed the emotions of his explanation, though.
3. When you use italics, you need to use [ i] these, but without the spaces, [/ i] so it comes out like this.
Otherwise, it's good so far.
The writing itself is good, a few mistakes but thats all. Good humor, really liked that new Pinkie Pie swear. And the parts with Rarity, those are very sad man. The emotions from Spike seem really genuine. However I do think him reuniting with Twilight would be more emotional, given the fact he just left. I think she would just breakdown upon seeing her little brother again after ten years. As for the epilogue idea, I would want to read that.
Ok, good story. It has some Grammer errors though:
The years of straining her eyes to read by the dim light of the fire or a candle lead to the use of the small pair of reading glasses she now wore. She was reading her favorite novel for the fifteenth time.
This is a run on, followed by a incomplete sentence.
She gasped when he saw who it was standing on her doorstep. This is confusing to the reader. A correction for this would be: "Twilight gasped when she saw who was standing on her doorstep."
She almost didn’t recognize him. He stood on all fours at almost twice her height. The green scales that ran down his back were pointier and curved back. His face was longer and his adult dragon fangs had come in. His tail and neck had gotten longer and the pointed end of the tail was more pronounced. Even his eyes looked older, but still held that boyish look she remembered.
These are all incomplete sentence points. Try putting commas or semicolons in and reduce this to about 2-3 sentences.
And if I utter a single word, may a rabid badger come and rip my traitorous mouth from off my face.
There is technically nothing wrong with this, but isn't that a little harsh?
He thought he would make himself useful. He found the cleaning supplies and set to work dusting and cleaning the library.
Run-on. Here it is corrected: He thought he would make himself useful so he found the cleaning supplies and set to work dusting and cleaning the library.
He went into the library proper and began perusing the shelves. He searched for an old book about dragon magic he knew Twilight had, but found that it had been checked out. He continued browsing until his eyes came across the familiar title of a particular book. He removed it from the shelf and looked at the cover. It was the book on obscure unicorn history that Twilight had given him for his birthday the year before his first greed-induced rampage. He realized that he had never read it. Oh well, no time like the present. He sat down on the floor and began to read.
All run-ons. And the "Oh well, no time like the present." Sentence should be in quotations if Spike said it, deleted if not.
"Attempting the turn, he over shot it and slammed his right shoulder into a dumpster. Pain shot through him, but he kept running. That was going to leave a bruise." Run-on.
“That’s great.
You forgot the ending quotation marks.
“Why? How can you help me? How can you even stand the sight of me after what I’ve done?
Forgot quotation marks again.
She straightened her posture, took a few deep breaths and began to sing a lullaby.
You need a comma after 'breaths'.
You have a good story going here, and I can't wait for the next chapter. So keep on writing!
Just finished.
BAAAAAAAAAWWWWW
WAHHHHHH
Wahahhh
So adorable. And sad... *Sniff*
First, it's Pinkie Pie, not Pinky.
Second, BAAAAAAAHAHAWWWWWW
img.ponibooru.org/_images/f52ea043b238ce51f330a6d7d20630af/50929%20-%20animated%20crying%20emotional_warfare%20filly%20rarity.gif
cute and good structure i hate cute so all you hav egoing for on me is the good structure but concidering how many of those are its good enough for a good oh green thumb
moar
402456
Thank you!
All the rest of you could learn from this guy. These are the kinds of comments I like to get. Don't just tell me that you liked it, tell me why. Tell me how I can fix it. This is a huge part of the reason why I post here; so that I can get better at writing and learn what I'm good at and what needs work.
Well done, my good brony. Now I know to be on the lookout for run ons and incomplete sentences.
I'd give you a muffin, but Derpy ate them all, so have a Derpy instead
416271 Aww...no muffin...
Anyways, thanks for the comment and I would like to see this story continued. I know it's labeled as 'complete' but it is an awesome story I we need moar!
Not too bad, though something's didn't ring true to me.
However TimeWarped3D already mention most of them.
You describe Spike as being both longer in length and twice Twilight's height, yet he seems to have no trouble maneuvering around in buildings design for ponies. No bumping his head on ceilings or door frames, no accidentally knocking over furniture,
Also while improved fire and message sending makes sense, and even gold and jem sensing goes along with hoarding, but the whole diamond breath does not.(IMO)
It seems too Mary Sue like to give Spike an uber ability like that, especially when not required in anyway by the story.
While you did use the obvious skills for the CMC, IMO Scoots talent would not be speed. Dash already has a corner on that, but always crashes when she tries elaborate maneuvers. Scoots is shown on the show as very agile, both on her scooter and while trying to teach Bloom to dance in "Show Stoppers" so I would think her skill would be in acrobatics and precision flying.
Another more minor one is the alley and dumpster. Ponyville comes across as a rural small town, individual buildings with plenty of open spaces. Alleys formed mostly in cities where buildings ran together and some way to access the rear by trucks or vehicles was required.
Although it is still possible that a business in a town might still have an alley behind it.
Howevery I just don't see there being a dumpster, a dumpster is too modern and real world. To have dumpsters means large front-loading garbage trucks needed to empty the dumpsters, in a world still in the pony drawn wagon and steam train era.
Why not just have Spike run into a wall or a tree?
Lastly Sweetie Belle is too forgiving too quickly. Yes I like the way she forgives Spike. I can even see her not being all that upset with Spike causing Rarity's ACCIDENTAL death while in a deranged state. Sweetie has had 10 years to realize Rarity is most likely dead due to the dangers of the forest, and to forgive Spike (in her heart) for being the reason why Rarity entered the forest.
HOWEVER, I do see Sweetie being more mad at Spike for burying Rarity alone in the forest. That robbed her of closure, though rationally Sweetie knew her sister was dead, there was always some doubt. Did Rarity get captured again, did she grow sick of Ponyville and her sister and is living elsewhere, ect... In other words what I think would bother Sweetie the most is just not knowning.
I think she would have been much more upset with Spike for not telling some pony where Rarity's grave was. I also don't buy into the idea Spike wouldn't have somehow either returned her body to Ponyville or told or lead some pony to it. He cared too much for Rarity just to leave her in an anonymous grave in a wilderness.
One more thing.
If you where to write a scene or a sequel with Spike taking Sweetie Belle to Rarity's grave, I would think that Rarity's grave would be very well tended (by Spike) and elaborately decorated with gold and jewels, perhaps even a mausoleum.
436616
I did have a reason for the diamond breath, which I will put in the epilogue, when I get around to writing it.
Your other points are valid and duly noted. I shall see if I can do anything about them when I get back to this.
I don't know what to write, I like the story but there is something missing and I can't give an answer to what that missing part is.
Thumbs up and a fav/track in any case
hope you continue this
I think I know where the diamond breath ability will be playing in...
Anyway, I really liked the story, and besides the run-ons (which were mentioned) I didn't really see anything wrong. Did feel a little rushed in the beginning with Twilight's acceptance of his return so quickly, and her actually dropping a topic seemed a little off for the character, but it is your take on them. Also with Sweetie Belle, I can understand her not being angry at Spike for Rarity's disappearance/death, but I would expect it to take Sweetie a little more time to accept that Spike was the cause of Rarity's death. Also why no one went looking for Rarity in the ten years since she vanished is beyond me as well.
Besides that, I like how everything went together. If you paid attention, you could tell Spike knew more than he was saying about Rarity's disappearance. I can't wait for the Epilogue.
Well, it's done. I'd like to thank everyone who commented. I'd also like to send out a special thank you to TimeWarped3D and Nuki Mouse, who's comments were especially helpful. This was fun to write and quite a few manly tears were shed while writing it. Please comment and critique, I read all of your comments and they mean very much to me.
Thank you for reading and keep a lookout for my next stories.
569043
good story bro...
wow... beautiful chapter and story.
Nearly cried there. Got some misty eyes.
keep up the awesome work!
P.S. I haven't noticed any mistakes what so ever. great work!
this gave me a feel a
feel but a feel none the less
A very touching ending to a great story. I have to say, you did a superb job in writing this, and i'll be expecting some more good works soon.
Coincidental? I don't know.
On another note I found it interesting that it was raining when I read this, and once I finished it stopped.
Anyway great writing, and If I had to grade it, I would say a 4.5 / 5, so keep up the good work!
Flawlessly written and very touching. This story was a pleasure to read and brought a couple tears to my eyes.
Perfect aftermath to a well written story.
569043
Crying wasn't on my schedule for today! I guess I can move some stuff around...
ampersandartful.files.wordpress.com/2010/05/coolstorybro.gif?w=460
A fitting end.
Sorry... Crying a waterfall over here... The part where Spike used his anguish to make the diamond shells was especially moving. I must commend you sir/madam* on a well written story. (*It's the internet so I'm covering my bases.)
The feels...
one of the few fics that made me cry.
Well done.
)
(Rarity approves
My good Sir, you have made me shed liquid pride with this story. Wow! I am left speechless.
Beautiful, touching, sad, and just wonderful. Sweetie Belle has such a caring heart to be able to forgive Spike for what he done. 
Proudly crying here. Wow! Simply awesoe fanfic. I am so touched that everypony else was able to forgive Spike for what he had done, but most importantly Spike forgave himself. Truly touching story.
That. Was. Emotional. I was on the verge of tears because of this. Thank you so much for this story.
Liquid.
Fucking.
Pride.
Every.
DAMN.
TIME.
For some reason, I could swear this should have already been in Twilight's Library. Oh well, added.
I wanna thank you man. Because of this, I was inspired to write my own story. If you get the chance, check out "The Dark Dragon". If you like it, thanks. If you don't, I'm sorry.
2387057 She also...she also forgives...
Damn that was powerful. Good stuff.
this is a good story but i have one question: WHY have i tears in my eyes?
4479369
Uuuhhh...liquid pride?
4490345 where have I heard that one before.
The feels
This is one of the saddest things I have ever read
That was a wonderful story. Great job. I loved it.
What, 10 years and still no wings?
Good story
But heart.....cracked.