• Member Since 3rd Jun, 2013
  • offline last seen Aug 3rd, 2017

Goku the Super Sandwich4


T

A young martial artist and his brother have entered a tournament to win money for their dojo but things become crazy than expected.

Chapters (3)
Comments ( 18 )

Oh wow this was a great first chapter I can wait for more :pinkiehappy:

Luna says: "I swear on y father's beard I'll turn you into an orange"

I say: pfffhahhahahahhahahahhahahahhahahha!!!!!!!!!!!!:rainbowlaugh:

Awesome chapter, loving the story. Only thing I have to say is you need an editor/proof readers. Little grammar issues here and there, nothing too bad just needs to be cleaned up a little. If you need any help, feel free to pm me.

Damn Luna Got Voodoo...<3

Love the story. Needs major editing... Or I will find you... and tolerate the shit out of you. :pinkiecrazy:

Okay, I think this resume my review quite handily

"Repeat after me, Mr. Black: I do believe in commas. I do, I do."

:pinkiegasp:

But seriously, you need to use more comas in the first paragraph at least. You repeat the words in constant redundancy like a literally recursion, which can annoy the readers (or at least me). Also, while exposition is not bad and I have yet not managed to find a professional fantasy writer who doesn't use it like meth addiction in their intros, yours is honestly a little boring. Mostly because you construct the explanation like this:

"the dragons were the more superior in every way their harden scales would make it extremely hard for other species to attack and have any effects on them not to mention that their fire breath gave them an advantage in long range combat. Basically the dragons had most of the world in their claws and dominion over the other species."

Instead of magical wonder it's sound pretentious, like the master race book of elves. You could gradually explain the forces/nations of your world, going into more detail why the dragons were so superior (Say, that their scales could endure anti-fortress ballista with barely a bruise or archmage level spells could have a hope of hurting them; that a single dragon slaughtered an entire battalion of griffons warriors in minutes or that their fire could transform mount sides in rivers of molten rock); or using it present the state of the world beyond some generic post war image (that only really woks in movies, to be honest)

Say, How long did the war lasted? Who started it? How much was the death toil? Did they need to change the maps because god-level catastrophes? How was the world before? What and who was in the last battle? Thinks like that.

You explain to little and too much at the same time, which is almost Zen in their perfect balance. In the first four paragraph you could go about why, in an historical emotional documentary, not in a dry powerpoint presentation, the tournament was elected as a viable way of ending the bloodshed.

Also, don't describe your characters as sheet stats. What do I mean by this?.
Another example:
"
“So we all seem to have a problem.” Celestia spoke in her calm usual manner. “New island has been found by the humans on Equis and they wish to obtain it but the dragons said that they have already found it and was planning to start a civilization it I feel as though we should negotiate about this like civil beings.”

“Celestia there is no need for negotiation my Dragon scouts found this land before those fleshy hairless apes.” King Firestorm the Second said. King Firestorm the second looked a lot like the first the only difference was that he had is that this on had an eye patch on his right eye.

“I rather be a hairless ape then an overgrown iguana and your lying my men found the island first.” Said Ambassador Mary William. Mary was about 5’2 and had red straight hair and brown eyes. She wore black suit and high heels. “

It doesn't flow with the dialogue because you force the reader to make a pause to imagine the character, outside the context of the action, because you are suddenly being presented with a cold fact that you need to know. Yes, it's barely more than a second of reading, but that's all it takes o break the spell of immersion. It could be changed by simple taking the second mary and say, "a 5,2 red haired woman. Her brown eyes staring unflinching and hard, creating an image of absolute austerity along with her black suit and high heels* that told any onlooker that she will tolerate no nonsense in her presence". Mind you, this is a terrible line but it's more organic that the one before, because you are using adjectives that go with the action "dialogue and presentation" instead of just presenting a character as if it was from the section of your personal wiki "physical attributes".

I don't try to be mean, I just see so many problems with the work and I would love to see it edited because the story really sound like it could go somewhere amazing. But it's rushed, trying to get to the good bits in one jump. I don't mean that you should use the slow construction like Arrow 18 or a Hollow in equestria, but it would be better if you used this first chapter just to lay out the war, the world, the version of your species and why they came with the tournament.

Well, I hope this came out as constructive instead of whining and I hope to see someday a new version of this work.

Sorry if there are syntax's problems. English is not my natural born language.

*Why high heels. What does the fact that she has high heels has to offer to the story? Do they make her look more menancing/epic like satsuki? Do they augment their her beauty (which for me, is why I love them)? Can she kick ass with high heels like black canary?

Again, grammar is a bit off, but I'm liking the way you introduced the competition. Keep up the good work man, and again if you need any help, feel free to pm me.

I'd like to see you try using judo. :rainbowdetermined2:

Nice man you got Gale's personality perfectly!

Comment posted by Goku the Super Sandwich4 deleted Jan 6th, 2015

Beautiful my friend. Can't wait to see gale in action.

Officially Dead


R.I.P

6796150 hahaha sorry bout that I am working on it but there are many thing going on just don't know when it will return but at least by this month new stuff should come out

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