Fanfiction masochist. :B She/they https://ko-fi.com/presentperfect
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Throughout her life, Twilight Sparkle has learned many things.
Love and friendship are two sides of a coin.
Being alone can be the worst feeling ever.
And whenever she falls, Rainbow Dash will be there to pick her up.
Based on the song by Molly's Yes. Cover image by SoulSpade, colored by Felynea. Written for Surry's Eggcellent Egghead Competition. Please be sure to read the introduction.
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Fuck you work fast
4316420
what
4316427 if this story was made today and...
... Skrew it *hugs*
Very nice:
The nitpicker in me could've used one more scene in the middle to address the final disposition of Pepper's father, but what you've got here is quite the lovely piece of work.
Mike
4316494
Appreciate it. :D
This is... hard for me. For the first time in a very, very long time of reading on this site, I honestly... don't know what I think of this. It's Twidash, so it gets a point, and it's well written and the plot is engaging but... the way it was written... I understand the appeal of it, and I think it was written well for the way you wrote it, but I just can't help but feel the way it was written made the story lose something. I don't know, I just feel like it would have been better if there was a little more explanations/detail in some of the scenes. We never even found out what Twi said to Dash that made them break up, unless I completely missed something. That's kinda important information, in my opinion. All we know was that it was personal.
So... I just don't know what I think of this, in the end. It was good, but... I don't know.
I can't quite put my finger on this story.
You knocked me for a loop right off the bat with the present tense verbs in Chapter I. That was a curious choice, because you immediately went past tense in the next chapter. Even Chapter IV, which you say in the notes is the very next part of the story, uses past tense. It took me a long time to get through Chapter I.
The scenes you gave us were very nice, but I think you went too literal with "the devil" part of the song lyrics. You left a better "devil" candidate on the cutting room floor. Who married Twilight Sparkle? Seriously, this guy marries the main character of the whole series, fathers a child with her, breaks her heart, doesn't even reach out to her at her mother's funeral, and he isn't important enough for us to even know his name? Really? The way that Twilight thought at the funeral and the way everyone talked at Pepper's birth didn't make it sound like he was dead either. This is a pretty glaring omission in my view.
All that said, this is a very unique entry for the contest. Good luck!
4316770
This is about the reaction I expected, so don't feel bad. :) I felt the specifics of what was said weren't really as important as the reaction to them, so there's lots of possibilities for what she might have done. Same thing goes with Twilight's beau. I leave it to the reader.
4316774
...Gee, I wish I'd thought of that. D: That would've been great, shoot.
I have conflicting emotion with this story. Firstly, if I read the contest rules correctly, the story was supposed to be a one-shot. Well, I guess it meets the word limit still, it just could have all been in one chapter. As a judge, I say it definitely has a chance in the competition.
I can't help but feel that the story is sort of... incomplete?
The story itself was okay.
The presentation was a mistake, though.
Telling this story out of order like this is wrong. When you tell a story in non-chronological order, you do it for a reason. This story is actually the antithesis of that. The reason you tell a story out of order is to make the pacing work; the chronological order of the story puts the climax in the wrong place, so by writing it non-chronologically, you put it in the right place.
This story is not that kind of story. It destroys the tension of the story because we already know how things turn out, and it doesn't follow the universal engagement curve. Rather, the story has no real climax, and the course of the story is too scattered for it to really flow properly, and the climax (them getting back together), as well as other points (their fight against the storm) is spoiled by the ordering.
EDIT: Also, present tense in stories is very weird.
About three things Twilight was absolutely positive:
First, love and friendship are two sides of a coin.
Second, being alone can be the worst feeling ever.
And third: whenever she falls, Rainbow Dash will be there to pick her up.
---
You oughta post the lyrics somewhere, like in the comments or something. Really clears up a lot of the confusion.
The story fits the song really well, and if read in chronological order it's quite enjoyable, but the way it exists makes the ambiguous parts even more confusing, and that is kind of bothersome. Making it appear so cryptic, which encourages us to dig deeper into the text to find answers for some key questions (What did Twilight say? What happened to her marriage?), only to find that those answers aren't there is somewhat frustrating. It's like looking for clues in A Fleeting Light in the Darkness and then learning that the clues were removed.
I think it might have been better if it was in chronological order, but the chapters were titled in song format, or if your author's note told us to find which parts of the story correlated to the song for fun or something.
I dunno. I gave it a like because I still found the story to be enjoyable.
4318894
In numerical order, the chapters correspond to the lyrics of the song, sometimes one line at a time, sometimes two. That doesn't include the chorus (it exists as Rainbow's repeated actions throughout the story), but it does include the coda as chapter XIV.
The lyrics are totes Googleable. :B
4319373
I know that. I just think it would be more neat if the chapters were in chronological order, with the chapter titles as seen in the Introduction. The story would be easier to read and there'd be a sense of something extra through the song and chapter titles, as opposed to feeling like something is missing.
And sure, the lyrics are googleable, but I doubt every person who reads this is going to do that. Since it's a major part of the story's style, I assume that it'd be good to mention. /shrug
Eh. Good try, but it doesn't really work for me, honestly.
4317143
I couldn't have said it better myself. The story is about what matters and it worked quite well.
Who needs a crowd-pleaser? This was fantastic! I loved every bit of it. The order of the chapters seemed chosen at random at times but always made sense partway through the next, and the note on which you ended the story was very poignant.
Still, I wish we'd have heard just a bit more about Pepper's father - her red-and-white mane make me think of the Flim-Flam brothers, which is just... eurgh - but that's not a big deal to me. I also feel like I missed something, and rereading it as listed in the first author's note didn't help. What could Twilight have said to make Rainbow leave her?
I don't have working speakers at the moment so I can't listen to the song that inspired it, but I prefer stories that can stand on their own anyway and this one certainly does. Great work, presentperfect!
4325403
Many thanks. :)
You know, I only realized the other day that Peppermint's mane might suggest some Flimlight. I assure you, that wasn't the intention. Though I left the father's identity ambiguous, in my mind he's actually Flash Sentry and Fluttershy's comment was directed more at her coat color. Ponies have weird ideas about familial names, so I figure they have weird ideas about what looking like your parents actually means, too.
That was a great story and loved it the whole way through. It's nice to see a unique take on a story done well. Characterisation was done so well here especially Dash's, I loved her character so much in this story I actually teared up a bit (not joking). Their relationship was believable and had me wanting the more I read. Definitely up there in my favorite TwiDash fics. Upvote + Fav from me :)
This was a very enjoyable read. I love it when suddenly one chapter throws formating right out the window and speaks in lowercase itallics, without punctuation. A sort of stream of consciousness and we don't know whose consciousness it is, but it feels just like Rainbow Dash. Other chapters skip decades through time and clearly Twidash remains a thing through the story, even when it's not a thing at that moment. The most heartwarming chapter must be the first one where Pepper is mentioned and Twilight and Rainbow Dash have little wrinkles. With that chapter, everything bad that happens between them at different times seems to sting a little less.
Yes, I'm a sentimental and I take my Twidash adorable, not sad. Honestly, this fic deserves a better rating than it has, but then doing crazy new things with format and chronology may lose you some readers. I wasn't too lost reading this and I may try reading it chronologically at a later date.
4334968
Thank you. :) I'm glad that formatting for Rainbow Dash's thoughts worked, especially given that it's not the most coherent chapter, nor the one where what's going on is most obvious.
Hmm...
...
... I need to ponder on this.
Do I like that they broke up in the first place? No.
Do I like that they were dating? Yes.
Do I like that they eventually got back together and they never really gave up on each other? No.....I LOVE it!
I also enjoyed the sequencing of this story. It kept me thinking, and while it made reading it take much longer, that's something I look for in anything I read or watch. I want you to know that even if this doesn't win, I loved this story, and it will always have a place in my favorites box.
...also, this speaks to me on a personal level.
Gotta say, i dont like how sporadic this story is. There isn't a concrete plot nor is anything really explained. On top of this it feels way too rushed.
4346606
All completely intentional, I assure you.
I think you've got a typo there.
I thought this was a very nice story, and that the non-chronological structure gave it some tension and mystery that I just don't really see being there in quite the same way if presented in order, even with the large gaps and omissions.
That said, I do wish it were revealed just what Twilight said to cause such damage; but then, what wasn't really the point, was it?
4397420
Ugh dammit thank you
4397439
No, it wasn't, and thank you for realizing that. :)
That was great
I love the real, unsugared approach you took with some of the scenes
4402338
Thanks! :D
You know, even after finishing the story and listening to the song and everything, I still have no idea what's going on in this chapter.
Interesting.
The format of the story naturally allows the mind to fill in the blanks, and my image of Twilight's husband feels a bit too unsavory to be fair.
Other than that, interesting. Interesting indeed.
4411841
This chapter comes from the lyric "before you were born".
What? I'm sorry, but this is going to take a while to understand. You did say that in the intro, though.
I put this story off for too long, waiting until I didn't have work or anything else getting in the way since the intro implied this might not be the lightest of reads, but I've finally read it! Pretty good. The non-chronological order worked in the story's favor, though I wonder if a slightly different ordering might've worked better. It probably needs to be fleshed out just a tad more as well, maybe just one or two additional scenes
Good story, not sure I understood Chapter V or XII though.
4552810
Try listening to the song, see if you can line them.
Or just V is "before you were born" and XII is Celestia's words.
I read through this story twice. First in the order you presented it, then in chronological order. I liked reading it both ways. Sure, it was a bit confusing the first time, but going through it again in the chronological order cleared up most of the misunderstanding. Good story.
Also, Twidash is my OTP.
4589359
Thank you, I'm glad it worked out for you! :D
I should've read this a lot earlier, forgive me. Wonderful stuff! And I'm not just saying that because I'm an instant sucker for TwiDash, promise. All your characterisations are so spot-on, it's almost uncanny. Even without the song as a frame of reference, the non-linearity is (I found) easy to piece together, very enjoyable, and very effective in creating a mood over a narrative. I think I sound like a huge dweeb right about now so I'm just going to wrap this up by saying I really loved chapter V and I look forward to reading more of your writing!
4623827
I'm pleased you dug the non-linearity, since your story inspired it. :D
The intro said the story might be confusing, but I find it straightforward so far.
Ok, now it got confusing.
So every chapter, Twilight - either metaphorically or literally - falls, and Rainbow catches her? I feel slow for only catching it at the seventh chapter even though it's in the title.
4756741
You got it! :D Better late than never.
Another song lyric-based chapter? Not really my thing, but it doesn't take up much space either.
4756786
They're all based on song lyrics, it's a songfic. :B
4317143
I was going to write a comment, but this guy already said everything I wanted to say so I'll just link him.
Just finished Cherax's reading. I gotta say, this is some high-quality TwiDash you've got here, Sir. Bittersweet and beautiful, with extra feels on top. This story is a flawless victory.
Keep up the good work!
5215928
You've quickly become someone I get excited to see commenting on my work. :D So very glad you liked this!