Nice!!

Thank you I really tried on this one.

I would like to point out that writing an angry rant in the description puts others off from wanting to read your story. So what if it got a few dislikes? Maybe those guys just felt like it. But you calling them out on it in the description? Bad move man.

Now, I'm Going to read the story since I'm already here. Maybe I can figure out why others disliked it.

*reads story*

Right. I can't see too many grammar and punctuation mistakes, so you're good there. The story was actually quite good until you mentioned humans, drinking and suicide. As a reader, the events that happened after you mentioned humans, well, I felt detached from them. The way you worded it made it feel like it was no big deal, and that feeling was prevalent for the rest of the story. Especially when RD confessed. It's a fic with a lot of intense stuff (drinking, human/equestrian relations, near suicides and a sexual orientation confession) and just mentioning all that in passing didn't sit well with me.

Hope that helps a little.

-Skull025

I want to help you, I really do. But someone who assumes they're getting negative reviews because it's April Fool's day and bitches about it in their Story descriptor isn't going to listen to my advice. To be short, this fic had no effort put into it. At All. Oh sure, it's well edited, but you halfassed it all the way. I could have lived with the Cliches, I could have Lived with the Out of Character junk. What I COULDN'T live with was the MP3 player.  Even ignoring the logistics (how the hell could something with Hooves manipulate something delicate that required manual dexterity? How would they go about charging it, a feat which requires electricity? How would they get music on it, something that requires (to my knowledge) A computer, which requires both electricity and an internet connection, which both require a LEGION of other little details), the fact you inserted it blatantly with so little fanfare was insulting.

Hurp where'd she get that oh durp its a gift from the humans teedledeedledee back to shipping. People are going to want explainations.

When someone finishes a story and thinks more about some throwaway detail than the story itself, your story isn't good enough. If she's drastically required by the plot to be listening to music, then use just a little imagination.

Don't think "How do I listen to music. Now how do I give that to my character" Think "How does my character listen to music" Since you seem to be trying to use as little imagination as possible, I'll lend you a little of mine, with a described train of thought; "How does an average pony listen to music? Hrrm. Well, I've seen them using a gramophone in the cartoon. But wait! Gramophones are MUCH too large to be portable. That is a Conundrum. Luckily, they live in a world of Magic. My Problem is solved!" From that spring board, I've thought of three different possible solutions for my lack of Portable music; An Earphone that contains a Shrunken Record, A magically anchored Floating Record Player and a Gramophone/Saddlebag/Saddle Hybrid. These don't include the myriad Purely magical ways one could get around this problem.

Now, the Soarin' backstory; You've sidestepped this completely. "These are the bare minimum facts I need to get out before I can continue the shipping" He did this she did this he did this he did this she did that. Bland, impersonal. The whole attempted Suicide thing just reeks of an amateurish attempt to ramp up the tension and, heres the thing, it'd succeed, if you didn't pussy out with a "I'd rater not think about it" line. Why mention it in the first place then?

The "out of the closet" moment. Anticlimactic. Bland. "oh by the way I'm Bi" Theres no fear there. I, as the reader, who has read the Prescript by Fluttershy, know that Fluttershy isn't going to freak out about it. You, as the Author, moving them to your whim, know Fluttershy won't Freak out about it. Rainbow Dash, however, does not know Fluttershy won't freak out about it and turn out to be the vilest Homophobe known to ponykind. She may suspect Fluttershy wants to Taste the Rainbow, as it were, but she has know way of knowing. even a little aprehension would ease the feeling that these are pony shaped Carboard cutouts. A secret like one's sexuality isn't one given lightly. Once given, it can never be retracted and theres always the chance someone you love, Platonicly or otherwise, will never look at you the same way again

A cheesy "and then they all screwed" ending is the cherry of bleh on top of this mediocre sundae. If you want my opinion (if you've even Read this far.) you could drastically improve this fic by doing two things: One Expanding it from a oneshot into four or more chapters, each expanding on a Paragraph or so of the current story and Two; Try to get into your Characters' heads. ESPECIALLY if you're going for a First person fic. Honestly, you should write a few OC fics, just to get the feel of writing as someone else.

I am sorry if I've been harsh, or cruel or even if you disagree with me. In the end, you're the one doing the writing. I'm just some random internet guy who clicked a link at random. In any case, Here's hoping your next fic is better received by the fandom

Yours upon a midnight Dreary

                                          ~Lordlyhour

>>394206394206

Sums it up quite nicely.

Not to be rude or anything but that is the general feel this short story has. The whole ''Uh ye she got an MP3-player as a birthday present from Luna (why would a royalty even do that?) and she got it from humans'' is just extremely weird, it doesn't really add anything to the story on top of that. It's just there for... whatever reason you may have had.

There is no background story, aside from the one-paragraph-story on soarin dumping her after first breaking up with spitfire and then getting back with her (another ''what?'' moment).

RD randomly telling Fluttershy: ''I'm probably bisexual btw'' just feels really weird as well. Why would -anyone- -ever- tell someone something as intimate as sexual orientation out of nowhere without doubt or hestitation?

The story basically ends with ''and then they had sex'', not something you want to do in a serious story either unless you're absolutely sure it's actually a fitting ending. In this case it's nowhere even near fitting, because RD barely even confessed to Fluttershy, since when do (reasonably thinking) people/ponies sleep with someone on the first evening of them accepting their love?

All in all just a big 'meh' from me.

>>394206394206 Thanks for the crituqe, i listen to all of my Commenters,and listen to/Read everything they say. I said that because i'm getting tired of people disliking and not explaining why so i can improve upon it, Something i may add that you did not fail to do in great volumes,and i thank you for that.It was the morning and i was'nt thinking stright, I let my emotions get the better of me,and i'll remove that once i'm done here. I'm not an amazing writer,if you'll go to my most recent blog i admit whole heartedly that i have subpar writing skills. Which is why even though half the time most critquers make me cry,i listen to them so that i might be able to write just that much better the next time.

The MP3 thing was an idea i simply had. i was slighty depressed when i wrote this,and was listening to Celine Dion and LeAnn Rymes while writing this,so i just used what ideas came to mind. However the MP3 i posses takes batteries,not a charger. Though you have a point either way unless it took magically charged batties,which would still be kind of weak,since Rainbow's a pegasus.

As for the Soarin thing. I could have fleshed that out a bit more. Showing not Telling,and Fleshing out my ideas are my two biggest weaknesses when it comes to writing it would seem,as i get more crituqes on those than anything else,as for the i'd rather not think about it line. Come on it's Fluttershy,do you really think she'd want to go though telling people the grimer parts suicide can take on. I can only imagine how squimish Fluttershy is. Drinking however is just the same as poisoning oneself,You may throw up as couple of times,but unless someone does a autoposy on your body,it more or less just looks like you died of natural causes.

As for the Coming out part i feel i put enough fear for Rainbow,as someone who is bi himself i know how it feels,but Fluttershy is the element of Kindness, To make her a Homophobe who be a horrific mistake as it would'nt fit her not one little bit, However the others are not the element of kindness,and known Rainbow since her youngest years. I can tell you for a fact it's much much more easier to come out of the closet to a very close friend than to someone you've only know for a short time. The only error i made in that instance is that i should have covered the "OMG i love her but if i tell her i'm bi will she return my feelings for me,or will she not be the same,or feel the same for me. So i will work on that.

I never said that they did anything sexual,They very well could of headed upstairs to be alone together to talk about their lives. This is rated everyone. So i don't feel i put anything of that nature in this except for kissing. I'm not one of those Bronies who thinks they've got to clop to everything.

I was thinking the same idea once i really read it,and i though if i did that i could tie it in with Within the shadows a little bit,but at the time i wrote it,it feel like one shot materail,so there's my excuse on that

Thank you for the well wishes and i hope that you have a good day as well. Thanks for pointing out the flaws

Shadowed Alicorn

>>394156394156 I'm sorry it was the morning and i was'nt thinking,but i'm really tired of putting my hard work out there,and having it dumped on without any reason,i mean i'm sorry if i'm wrong but i don't think it takes anymore but maybe ten minutes,and that's if it's a really long one to type out a crituqe in the comments,to help a fellow Brony or Pegasister out with their story. I don't think it's too much to ask,After all i do it for all the fics i don't like,unless it's a troll fic,and that's only because when it's a troll fic that's what there looking for,and i don't like to have to deal with trolls. They just have too many weapons against me since they don't mind hurting others feelings,and i have self esstem issues,but i digress you did'nt comment on this to hear me whine. You came to help me out and i thank you for that.

Yes there should'nt be many of the grammer issues as that's what i really focused on though it came back to bite me in the scence that i spend to much time on grammer and not enough on fleshing out all my ideas,and devolping the story. I wrote this from Fluttershy's point of view,because she's the one i feel i'm the most like. The only one that comes a close 2nd is Pinkie,because i love to make people smile.

The humans were needed as how else would Rainbow of gotten her hands on a device of Human invent,But as Lordlyhour pointed out that was an extremly half baked idea,and should'nt have been used in the first place.

Thanks for the critque

ShadowedAlicorn

>>394469394469 Thanks for the critque. I argee with you that LordlyHour sums up the huge amount of weakness,and unthought out parts of this, but i worried too much about grammer,and it ended up taking away from fleshing out the plot and charaters. However Luna gave Dash a present,because hmmm Well it could be that there friends. I'd imagine even if it never shows it on the show that Twi's gotten tons of gifts from Celestia. It would seem that no one is paying attention to the coming out part. Rainbow asks if Fluttershy thought i was a good idea to come out to the others,Something i did when i was coming out. I asked my most closest friend if i should tell the others that i was bi. Why,because i knew they how they were,and that they would'nt care. Fluttershy is the element of kindness,and Rainbow's closest friend. She knows Fluttershy inside and out,and would know if she had a problem with those kinds of thing. It just does'nt bode well to make the element of kindness a Homophobe.

I never said that they had sex. Okay this is rated everyone,had that been my intent i would have rated this teen. There are so many things you could do with your lover in your bedroom,Maybe perfectly what you said. Get to know each other a lot better before they took that step in their relationship. I'm not one of those Bronies who thinks they have to clop to everything.

Anyways Thanks for taking the time to critque

ShadowedAlicorn

>>394621394621

Valid point on the 'sex' part. It does however, very much look like it because of the lack of desciptions. You don't describe what happens, thus people create their own take on what -might- have happened. In this case, as it's a shipping fic, and you end with RD carrying Fluttershy to her bedroom, cutting it off at that point, it kind of hints towards it. You might not have intended it, but that's how it comes across to, as shown, quite a few readers.

Don't get me wrong, I liked the idea behind the story. It's just that it could've been a lot better if you would take your time writing it instead of putting something on paper in somewhat of a rush / emotional moment. A lot of times, simply putting the things you wrote away for a day or two and then looking at it with a fresh view allows you to spot things that could be done better with more ease. At least that's how I adress the issue of having weird-feeling parts in stories I write.

For example: the fic I'm currently writing. I started on the first chapter about 2 weeks ago, then I let it rest while I continued writing the following chapters. Then I got back to it a week ago, read it through and pretty much rewrote about 80% of the lines because they didn't feel natural or logical. Then I put it away again, and got back to it yesterday, repeating the process. It can be annoying to delete half of your work sometimes, but it's something you'll encounter quite often if you're planning on writing stories more frequently.

Don't feel discouraged, by all means, you should be encouraged. If people don't like your story then that (usually) means you could've done better. The few people that comment on -why- they disliked it can be invaluable to improving your writing skills.

>>394766394766 Thanks,And that's why i get upset when people dislike it without telling me why. The crituqers can improve a fic vastly,and that's why i quit DA,because noone would take the time to help me. Hell here on FIM people like you have helped me improve my writing skill hundred fold. If i had wrote this month ago,and you read it there would have been so much more wrong with it. Grammer,spelling,more Tell instead of show,as little as i've improved in that.  Indeed I'll be working on it again, now that i'm not all depressed and flustered. I'm glad you liked the idea. It proves that at least i came up with a good idea for a story,even if the writing did'nt do it justice. I worked on the ending and stated that they go upstairs to talk about their first date,so now noone can confuse my intent.

Thanks for all the help

ShadowedAlicorn

Image: http://i1.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/newsfeed/000/190/702/4daa8c5d40266bb929ab78fcf792230a.jpeg.png

*Picture*

But anyways...

Image: http://i2.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/newsfeed/000/191/585/50787%20-%20artist%253Amegasweet%20colored%20gay%20lesbians%20rainbow_dash%20wingboner.png

Image: http://i2.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/newsfeed/000/193/724/130791448368.jpg

Cheers

~iraqlobstah

>>395132395132 Lolz I like the pictures. They gave me a good laugh

This is good but WAAAY too short, whatever the reason.  I haven't looked at any other stories you have- if any, but I want that tale of spitfire and soarin's knockout and datin' Dashie written.

>>395608395608 Ya a lot of Critquers said that without that it does'nt make sence i did'nt put enough emotion into something as emotionally trying as something like that would be. Give me a little while to think up something decent and i'll fix that blunder

>>395716395716

Eh no notches about it mate.  I'm going to track ye- this is good, your obviously better than most at least in my opinion.

>>395912395912 Thanks for the compliment

This is pretty buckin good, nice work.

>>402660402660 Thanks I'm glad you liked it

It's...strange. I honestly did not think I'd like this.

Then, despite all of its flaws (which have all been pointed out with no need for further elaboration ), I did like it. I do like it. Keep up the good work, though follow what the others have said.

Sincerely,

ChrisTheCat

Thanks and Yes that was i'm doing now when i get the chance to

just wanted to let you know i read this story thought it was good and remember to watch another episode tomorrow and its friday when i make this comment feburary 8th

>>20958632095863 Thanks, I'm glad you liked it, and yep I made sure to watch it XD I'd never miss the new episodes ^^