Again, I'm not a part the group. I just read a few of the stories and thought "Why not?"

Please comment, rate and subscribe. Wait, shit this isn't Youtube, forget the last part.

Ughh, this would be funny if it didn't show up within 20 minutes of an actual PonyFall fic.

Must...Restrain....Bloodlust.

This doesn't make me happy Observer... Not one bit.

PROTIP: If you aren't going to be part of the group, don't use their name.

I like this, but you should get permission from the group.

>>396265396265>>396416396416>>396421396421

Yeah, I know guys.

sorry, I just thought why not, the seemed like understanding blokes.

If I knew how to change the title I would.

Is that the main reason why there were so many dislikes?

I know it's kind of cheap, but I'm sorry

I didn't think they would care to reply or consider a request, and someone else was going to do else was already supposed to do a Twilight one, I couldn't help my self.

now I feel horrible about this.

Stop trying to leach off other peoples popularity. If you want to contribute to the project, then talk to it's members.

just delete it. go to chat, Join ponyfall channel

We will assign you somethin... maybe discorded twilight clone

>>396500396500 I'm not trying to leach off anyone, I didn't actually know about the group until I looked into it more, I never even expected anyone would care to read once the read the disclaimer in the 'short description'.

Besides, now I know they're mad at me and would refuse me anyway

>>396494396494

You can change the title in "Edit Story"

>>396504396504 really?

But I kinda...sorta...poured a bit of my heart into it.

It's the first thing I've written I generally really wanted to do, and wanted to keep up adding to.

I'm not the best writer if you've seen my other stories. This I actually felt proud of.

some people are liking this at least.

I'm nervous about making a fool of myself for such a group. It's something that I feel comfortable with and I don't want to ruin all on my own.

I'd feel horrible.

>>396517396517 thanks

Why does everything I make have people dislike it?

Am I really that bad and make such bad mistakes?

>>396511396511 Dude, stop being a drama queen. How do you know that they'll turn you away over this? I highly doubt that they would. Just ask them, and I'm sure they'd be willing to assign you a character. And if you insist on keeping this story up than just remove Ponyfall from the title, because that would still confuse people.

EDIT: Disregard, didn't post this fast enough. But still do remove Ponyfall from the title as Twilight has already been assigned to Morning_Frost.

Delete it. Or change the name. Whichever comes first

You can have a spot on the colab if you delete it.

>>396579396579 alright you know what bollocks to it!

I genuinely enjoyed making this and I want to make more of it.

If you guys quit bitching over I'll change up the title.

If you still have problems with it, comment and dislike away.

I DON"T GIVE A FUCK!

>>396504396504> How would I even find the chat? I'm kinda lost on the site right now.

...Go alllllllll The way down to the bottom of the screen

it will be there

now delete your fic >.>

>>396612396612 Jesus Christ, calm your fucking tits. If this is how you react to criticism, than maybe you shouldn't be on the team, or writing stories at all for that matter.

Besides just changing the name you should definitely do more proofreading before you post something, nobody’s perfect but this had way to many missing words and other spelling errors

>>396634396634

{sigh}

I've dealt with the criticism for my mistakes and had my balls busted over them for too long.

your point is valid. But a stand must be taken. being assertive doesn't always work but I've had enough.

FEUER FREI comments

>>396654396654 It did? I've been wanting to find an editor but everyone one I've asked was either busy or thought I was too amateur, I guess that's obvious now.

This is still my trial by fire from the website and I'll endure it.

I'll look it over after I'm done with further swamping of comments

so many dislikes, so little time.

I guess writing just isn't my thing.

You know what? I'm gonna say something that's going to completely blow your mind...

...This isn't that bad.

I'm serious. Given some of the crap I've read on this site, this really isn't that bad. It suffers from a couple character issues, a sense that Twi is acting a little complacent, it's a little too fast paced and doesn't spend much time stopping to build a sense of environment or atmosphere around what's going on... but for what it is I've seen a lot worse.

In fact, if you ask me, you shouldn't delete it. Nor should you give up on yourself and say 'writing isn't your thing.' You're just a little inexperienced, which can change with time and a little formal tuition.

No, the only REAL mistake you made was giving it the ponyfall logo. That's it. And if you ask me, you're being unfairly targeted for that.

Should you have used the ponyfall logo? No. Should ignorance of the way of things justify your mistake? No. On the other hand, I don't think it warrants what basically amounts to a cruxifiction of your story.

Here's my suggestion: Keep your story up. Change the title so that it in no way references Ponyfall. Go back into the story and change some of the conditions of the story, including the references to Majestic Royalty and the pink sky. Make the conditions of Twilight's arrival something different. Do these few things and you will have no real problem here.

Then, once that's all said and done, take it in your own direction. Go crazy with it. Taking inspiration from the group is not a problem as long as you don't blatantly copy it, which you won't be doing if you fix those few things.

Honestly, this isn't actually all that bad once you get right down to it. For a novice work it's actually pretty okay.

>>396873396873 feel like being an editor for me?

The key concept for how it happened I found worked, and I thought it would work if people heard about the crazy stuff that happened last year, which is what really pushed me to go with it.

I might change it and make it like that day with the changing colored skies so it's like  a bunch of colors.

I want to keep the reference for comedic effect though

"Ponies out of nowhere would be fuckin' rad" and then one shows up but I don't realize it, I thought would be pretty good.

>>396796396796 The assholes who disliked this don't realize the

hard work that you've put into this. Don't give up! Get up!

Who cares if a couple of jerks don't like it? Write the story for the

people that do. I'm writing a story that has 5 trackers and 1 commenter.

What did I do? I wrote 5 goddamn chapters and counting.

Now go put inspired by in your title, stop moping, and

goddamn be PROUD OF YOUR HARD WORK!

>>396939396939

You know, I'd be happy to be an editor for you , but at the moment, I'm nearing the end of my senior year of college, and the next few months are going to be ca-razy. However, if you're still writing this story around oh... June... contact me.

For now, though, let me leave you with some advice. Sometimes, for the sake of letting your story work and keeping it in the realm of legality, you're going to have to sacrifice some elements you really like. Don't take this as something to get discouraged about, and instead, use it as a chance to make something even bigger, better, and more bombastic than you had originally.

If you can't use the ponyfall logo or the pink, cotton candy sky, rack your brain a little until you find something even more awesome to take its place.

>>396960396960 thanks.

>>396990396990 trust me I will be, I have a little too much free time and my summer will be very much open.

Thanks for the support, Funnily enough, most of the people I asked for help with said the same thing and it discouraged me a little too much.

can you at least do me a favor and check on me from time to time with this, maybe give a quick heads up and put me back on the right track?

I know it seems like a little much, but I could use as much help as I can for now.

I'm kinda being third reiched over here

>>396990396990 that's exactly it. Use the opportunity to create something new

and not confined to the ponyfall series's logic. Once you have a story, there's a world

of opportunities. Not just ponies transported to earth, but the worlds colliding, a man turned into a pony,

or even pinkie's 4th wall breaking madness.

>>397034397034 I did make an insert of me getting shipped over to equestria for some significant reasons. It's called To my surprise, if your interested. It ties a little bit with this but stuff gets a little fuzzy in the second part. I haven't had much reason to go back to it for a bit. I'm stewing over some ideas.

Hm. I had a read. Could it be improved? Yeah, it needs a bit of polish

However. While the start was a bit rough (Most of the ponyfall stories suffer from this), and the story's got a premise that's pretty terrible... it's not actually too bad. It's got potential. For one, the protagonist doesn't make me want to choke something, and you don't write like a retard.

So. To business, a few things you could look into.

>Punctuation use - at the end of spoken dialogue, you'll want to use a comma instead of a full-stop if there's anything following the dialogue.

"Well, color me envious," Carpenter bemoaned.

Note how I've used a comma instead of a full stop, like you have here:

"Gerald McCormack, I envy you." I said standing up and stretching.

>Proof read - you're missing a few words, which do kind of destroy the sentences affected. (The Early morning sun risen on the horizon. <- Is there supposed to be the word "had" somewhere in there?)

Overall, it is a fairly awkward start, but it might just take off, who knows?

Also, on the topic of how your story's received such a negative response from the Ponyfall group... I say, [apples] 'em. You write your story about what you want, however you like. That guy telling you to delete this, or change things? Nadgers to him. He isn't the boss of you. You are. Don't dance to his tune, dance to your own.

Keep this story. Don't delete it. Write it how you want.

>>397079397079 HOLY SHIT, someone supports me.

I'm currently doing some work. I might have just gained something of an editor, but only slightly.

If you could help me with a little editing and or proof reading I would be grateful and give do credit.

Funnily enough I intended it to be "The Early morning sun risen on the horizon"

(awkward squee.)

I'll change it.

Honestly, I'm not the best writer. Hence why it's kind of shite, but eh whatever, I'll fix stuff later.

I'll buff stuff out a bit and do a little more fixing tomorrow. (9:00 am, eastern standard, or whatever the heck it is in Michigan.)

thanks for the pointers.

>>397061397061

It needs some work but in general it is very good.

This may sound a bit cheap, but if you want to check for spelling errors and such, just copy'n paste your work onto Mirosoft Word and it shoul help you spot on errors easily.

>>397155397155 I got spell check on this up and running, It's really the grammar and me being a ponce is the problem.

>>396265396265>>396416396416>>396421396421>>396500396500>>396517396517>>396654396654>>396990396990>>397079397079>>397155397155

There, I've done a quick fix and changed up stuff. Still have a problem with it, don't care.

for all you supporters out there, this wasn't directed toward you, your liking is appreciated.

Just throwing it out there.

FEUER FREI! (Don't know what it means, look it up.)

good night.

>>397220397220

Alright, I've gone ahead and reread this. It seems to follow about the same beats, but yeah, I can see where you changed some stuff around. It's an improvement. If I were you I'd change things up just a titch more, and probably change the title, but that's not something I can force you to do.

Whatever you do though, keep at it. It still needs some polish and a little bit of character work, but other than that, this isn't really all that bad. I've read stories from the actual ponyfall group that were less believable and less polished than this, so don't let them get too down on you.

And I would be glad to check up on this story every so often.

I like it just remove Ponyfall from the title and put it as Out of Place are something other then that I like the story keep up the good work and don't stop writing just cuz people dislike your work.

"For Every Hater There a Love and Every Lover a Hater~"

>>398388398388 I know, It was late for.

I said I'd do a buff of all the minor stuff and some things, but I'd get a lot more done today.

Honestly, the only character I wish I could do better is Twilight, I'm kind of winging it at the moment.

I'll look a little more into stuff when I have time, 'cause my portrayal of her, Isn't the best.

I think I've just about got down;

A: Myself

B: The Cholo I'm friends with

C: The white guy across the street who cares only about cars and gets ass, (snaps fingers) like that

>>398538398538

Look, don't take our comments to harshly. I overreacted because it was unexpected and it was near the time when an actual PonyFall came out.

And besides, I'm half insane.

If you're having trouble getting a certain character right, try watching an epsiode that features said pony then write their part.

Just a friendly tip.

>>401190401190 way ahead of you, but that'll wait a minute.

stick around.

well I guess if you were here when it had the original title was up that this was a sort of tribute to the colab, though since Draequine freaked out and made an asshat that was ruined.

If you have any thoughts or valid points about the story I'd love to here it.

Haters, talk shit like there's no tomorrow

cause

Image: http://almostdumb.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/04/i-will-tolerate-and-love-the-shit-out-of-you.jpg

Haters can wait. This is great.

Hey that rhymed. But not THIS time.

Damnit.

>>401302401302 HA

>>401320401320 BLARGH

Hey guys quick word, I've finally reached positive on the ratings and I know a lot of you are liking this enough to track and favorite it, could you guys give some rating so I don't have a lot of dislikes as well.

It would get this out there better and bring in more supporters

Nice, Justin. You are prepared.

>>403072403072 IKR

Dusty the royal Janitor and somewhat of Silver Tie will be give off some output for editing and problems,

I said I would give credit.

Remember that thing I was talking about in Ch 2, time?

this is what I was talking about.

Justin is really prepared for anything, isn't he?

Chases, stuff, and now getting into rehab.

Quite the friend you have there.

>>405416405416 yeah, he's well prepared for everything. you don't want to know how long the list of his 'zombie kit' is.

Oh. My. God.  I LOVE this!  Justin is a freakin' boss, Twiight is completely clueless, and James... is freaking unpredictable!   HA, Chop Suey System of a down!  I LOVE it!  HNNNNNNNNNNNNNG!

>>406138406138 well this is going swimmingly

Who will write the Spike ponyfall? I asked Silveress or whatever his name is because i thought he was the leader, but maybe you can put the word in for me :) its cool if you dont think Spike is a good ponyfall character but i think he could become an important aspect to the series. Message me if I am an able applicant to write for Spike, if you do not care about a Spike ponyfall do not waste your time responding. Thaks for your time,

Arco Iris the Mexican Rainbow

you've got no Idea how bad I wanted to (insert dixie horn here)

looked up transaltion from the random phrase "see you later fucker!" in irish

>>408191408191 got that right!

This guy breaks the law. A LOT. He was normal, but now he's probably got a 10-year penalty in prison.

>>408297408297 Oh there's shit he's done with Jeremy and Justin that would land decades more.

>>408408408408 And he watches MLP? that's a bit weird.

>>408418408418 I've seen weirder.

>>408425408425 I believe you.

SSHHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII-  This is intense!  I love his plans,

from nice to BADASS ^^ in ten seconds flat

Hey readers, What kind of drink do you think James would like the most, Alcoholic, Non-alcoholic,

What would you think he drinks?

...he just killed some guy. Seriously?

>>410058410058 you do know that how they administer the sedative right?

Via a syringe to the neck?>>410085410085

>>410181410181 yes, more toward the jugular, but in the neck all the same.

What do you think of the story?

The main character does seem a bit extreme in his reactions, but other than that I think it's pretty good. I will say though that after doing something like that there is no way he couldn't be arrested, but I'll wait and watch to see what you do.

>>409404409404 exactly my train of thought.

OK... This is some crazy shit.... Almost as crazy as the one w/ Discord in it. Good luck in keeping the action moving this way.

First ^^ LETS KILL SOME PEOPLE ^^

>>411897411897 your blood lust shall be sated later.

I am remotly intimidatedby this particular section

>>412071412071

Now why would that be?

violence is magic... apparently

also i am very newto this site so can someone teach me how to reply to comments?

>>412078412078 in equestria there's magic and fun!

On earth there's lot's of horrid gore and violence

this is just the middle ground where they come for afternoon tea

>>412081412081 there's a little button in the comment that says reply

>>412091412091

okay well i cant see that reply button derp still great story

>>412101412101 thanks!

Suicide? Murder? The possibilities are endless!

Alright guys, I got this here in some interesting directions.

What do you think?

Also, What kind of alcoholic beverage do you think James would drink? Just wondering

Just a quick word about it, I'm not liking where the whole like and dislike rating is shelling this. I really want it to just fuck off and stop dragging it down but whatever.

Either Sierra Nevada or Budd Lite (Light?). Your choice not mine and good work. I surprised James didn't pull out the revolver and shoot the guy. BUT DON'T CHANGE IT! I like it the way it is. It show's James's good side.

As usual, I'm loving your characters, they just seem to get cooler and cooler! This scene really shows me James' nicer side, even if it's right after he pulls out a gun! As for the alcoholic beverage...  

"What are those," asked Twilight pointing at the the four different bottles of alcohol.  

"Just a little something I like to call, 'Variety'."  James then poured a fourth of each into an empty bottle and swirled it around.  "Aw yeah..."

>>417342417342 give me sec.

Just who could this man be?

Why is James in the photo?

What is with the jackets?

Find out in a little bit

give your thoughts and I'll get to you.

Did he remember to look in the glove department?

>>417480417480 didn't need to, remember?

"Why does my mouth taste like a-"

>>417497417497 oh.

Brother?  Friend?  Father?

Was it something he wanted to remember personally?

Air Force jacket thingys?

Can't wait for the next chapter!

Still loving this story.  One, tiny, wittle, itty bitty problem that can be easily fixed in the future; it needs more Twilight.  Sure she's been in the whole story so far, but I'm not seeing her complete personality. That's all!

>>417519417519 On it and close.

any thoughts?

Whoa, bad memories? Still love this story!  So many chapter in a single day!

>>417943417943 there was a need, beside there short for such a reason

Makes sense.  Still love this story!

Nice job!

I'm not really liking the amount of dislikes but I still keep adding to this anyway.

What are you guy's thinking about from this?

While I wrote the last part I was listening to this.

I like it! Keep on trucking, man. Don't let bad ratings get you down.

Your real readers don't care about dislikes.