Chapter 1: The Beatles Were Overrated Anyway
It was springtime in Ponyville. Birds chirped, foals played, old stallions yelled at said foals to get off his lawn, and Celestia’s sun graced the lands with tepid warmth without the sweltering after effects such as the summer. Yes, why it was just the perfect spring day, with the associated breeze rolling through the hills added on just to finish the picture.
However, two images that didn’t fit into the specific framework of a picture of a scenic countryside of the pony town were two out of place individuals sharing a cup of joe at a local cafe. Of course, the cup was neither named joe nor was actually shared between them. Heck, one of them was having trouble even drinking the caffeine-laden drink.
“Come now, Jesus, don’t tell me you can’t handle a little kick in your coffee,” Discord said, before pouring in most of the sugar container at their table into his cup. “You’re not a decaf type of guy, are you?”
“I’m not a type of guy on anything, actually,” Jesus objected. “Also, my name’s Jeshua.”
“Wait, seriously?”
“Yeah.”
“But…”
Jesus groaned, running a dark skinned hand through his scraggly beard. “Look, you know what, forget it. My name’s been translated from Hebrew to Greek to English and even more languages, so at this point, call me whatever.”
Discord smiled and gave Jesus a thumbs up. “You got it, Whatever!”
Jesus rolled his eyes, looking down his beak-like nose at his lukewarm coffee. “So, other than summoning me here to drink… well, this bitter concoction, what else do you need me for, Discord?”
“Oh, just to exchange a word or two, enjoy the weather, shoot the breeze.” Discord sipped his drink, smacking his lips on satisfaction. “Oh, and for you to tell em what Easter is all about.”
Jesus arched a brow. “You don’t know what Easter is about?”
Discord shrugged, pointing to a sundial strapped to his wrist. “I’ve been out of the loop for about a thousand years now, Jesus, I don’t even know what the Beatles are.”
“Neither do I.”
“Huh, well, apparently they were more popular than you. A boy band too.”
Jesus sighed, rubbing the bridge of his nose. “Well, it was bound to happen eventually.”
Just then, a certain purple coated and instantly known alicorn princess by the name of Twilight Sparkle trotted down the road, humming a merry tune to herself. Discord immediately, snapped his fingers, causing the peace-wandering Twilight to appear at their table, walking right into it, in fact. As she fell to her rump in a release of air after running into her neck on the table frame, Discord deposited a cup of coffee before her.
“Oh, Twilight, it’s just wonderful you could join us!” Discord said, clapping his paws together with a devious grin on his face. “Jesus was just about to tell what Easter is about!”
Rubbing her neck, Twilight glared at Discord, then her attention shifted to a look of utter shock at Jesus.
“Whoa, who and what are you?” Twilight asked, her eyes scanning the stranger draped in a white robe and blue sash.
“Jesus, Son of God, King of the Jews.” He raised his coffee cup and tipped his head to her. “Nice to meet you, Twilight.”
“Yeah, yeah, we already know,” Discord grumbled. Leaning close to Twilight and cupping a hand to her ear, Discord whispered, “Get him talking about himself and the dude just doesn’t stop, I tells ya.”
“But didn’t you want me to tell you about Easter, Discord?” Jesus asked, a small grin on his face.
“Wait, what’s Easter?” Twilight asked, looking to Discord as well. “And why is it that whenever I associate myself with you, something weird happens?”
“Well, calling Jesus weird is pretty insulting, Twilight,” Discord said, crossing his arms while staring at her slyly.
“Yet again, I point out I still don’t know who Jesus is.”
“Really?” Jesus asked. “I just said it not five minutes ago.”
“Okay, okay, everyone, let’s back up,” Twilight ordered, holding up her hooves. “What exactly are me and Jesus here for again?”
“Well, I was going to have Jesus explain about the holiday of Easter and what exactly it means,” Discord explained, extending a hand at Jesus. “And you’re here, well, because it made the conversation much less awkward. Plus, you’re the learning sort, am I correct?”
“I still don’t know what Easter is or why it’s a holiday.”
Discord grabbed Twilight by the shoulder and turned her to Jesus, who was staring at the two with mild interest. “And that’s what Jesus is here for. So please, Mr. Christ, tell us about Easter.”
“Actually, my last name isn’t Christ.”
Discord facepalmed and groaned loudly. “Don’t care, just carry on with the story!”
“You know, the story is all in a book you could just read,” Jesus reminded him.
Discord snorted. “You ever tried reading the Bible? Or watched any of the television versions? It’s definitely not an HBO original, I’ll give you that much.”
“I am so confused,” Twilight said, figuring that sipping at her drink and waiting for the two strange beings to continue on with whatever ploy they were playing.
Jesus sighed. “You’re not the only one.” Clearing his throat, Jesus dusted off some dirt from the shoulder part of his robe. “Well, Easter can be summed up as the day I was resurrected three days after dying for man’s sins on the cross.”
“Wait, so you were dead?” Twilight asked, her answer coming from Jesus’ nod. “Then are you a… zombie?”
Jesus raised his hand, examining it and taking a whiff. “Well, seeing how I don’t smell like dead flesh and have no intent on eating brains, no, I’m not a zombie.”
Twilight peered at Jesus’ hand, or more specifically, his hole, which was centered right in the middle of his palm and gave her a clear view of Jesus’ face looking back at her from the other side.
“Then what about those holes you have in your palms?” Twilight asked.
Discord appeared with his head popping up from underneath the table, holding up both of Jesus’ feet with him. “And don’t forget his feet!” Sniffing, Discord gagged and pushed Jesus' feet away. “Actually, do forget about them. Sheesh, Jesus, ever heard about athlete’s foot? Put some powder on that ranky stuff.”
Pulling his feet inward, Jesus laid both his hands on the table, the holes as clear as day. “Well, these were my parting gifts from my cruxifiction. Nasty experience that was. Plus, a good reminder of what I had to sacrifice for the people I love.” Shrugging, he put his hands at his sides once more. “Though I admit, the holes in the feet make walking on water pretty awkward.”
“You could walk on water?” Twilight asked, taking a peek at his sandaled feet underneath the table. “What type of magic does it take to pull that off?”
“Actually, it wasn’t magic, it was—”
“Ugh, give him a bone and he just won’t stop,” Discord complained, voicing his complaints with ample amount of whining and groans.
Jesus laughed, sipping from his cup to hold back his chuckles. “Fine, Discord, fine, I’ll get to the point.” Setting his cup down, Jesus said, “Basically, Easter is the day celebrating my resurrection, where my people feast and act merry after forty days of fasting and prayer. It is one of the most important aspects of my faith and is a time of rejoicing and the spread of hospitality and love.”
“Wait a second… that has nothing to do with Easter!” Discord objected, slamming his fist on the table and causing everyone’s coffees to jump and spin in the air.
“I beg your pardon?” Jesus asked.
“What about the eggs? The jellybeans? The candy in said eggs from before? The coloring of those eggs? And even the asinine hiding of those eggs?” Discord pulled at his ears, his mismatched eyes goggling Jesus with an even crazier look than usual. “It just makes no sense, even for someone like me!”
Jesus leaned down to Twilight, cupped a hand to her ear and asked, “Hey, do you have any idea what he’s talking about?”
Twilight shrugged, shaking her head. “After a while, you learn to roll with it.”
“Good point,” Jesus agreed with a nod.
Discord crossed his arms and huffed under his breath. “I knew I should’ve asked the Easter Bunny about this. Though he never was the same after prison…”
“Okay, now I’m the confused one,” Jesus said.
Discord slammed a few bits on the table, then saluted to the pair. “Well folks, I’ll be off! I need to find the Easter Bunny and hope that Santa Claus didn’t get him hooked on meth again! Peace out!”
The troublesome draconequus departed on a rainbow that sprouted from the ground before him, the multicolored ray of light flying high in the sky with Discord riding it while waving a cowboy hat in the air.
Ripping her eyes away from the more strange than usual Discord antic, Twilight looked back to Jesus, who was finishing off the rest of his coffee. “So… um… Jesus, is it? How exactly do you know Discord?”
“We go to the same poker game every Saturday night.”
“Whoa, for real?”
“Indeed. We have Thor, Hades, Buddha, and even Ra as the typical regulars,” Jesus replied, a frown appearing on his tanned features. “Though Discord’s stingy on the snacks, and I know for a fact he cheats. Always has an ace up his sleeve, that one.”
“Discord has sleeves?”
Jesus shrugged, getting up from his seat and adding a few copper bits to the pile Discord left behind. “Hell if I know.”
Before turning around to leave, Jesus smiled to Twilight. “Actually, if you don’t mind a bunch of old coots complaining about the old days and Discord eating all the chips, you could join in on poker nights if you want.”
Twilight perked up, a clear sign of a grin on her cheeks appearing. “Really? Playing poker among the gods? How can I refuse?”
“When you taste Thor’s dip, you’ll do it real quick,” Jesus laughed, Twilight joining in with a giggle. Walking down the road, Jesus waved over his shoulder, calling out, “Well, Twilight, I’ll be seeing you real soon. Hopefully not in the typical way I meet people, though!”
Twilight tapped her chin? “Huh… I wonder what he meant by that?” Looking back to his empty coffee cup, Twilight returned her gaze to where Jesus was last walking, the short, dark-skinned man nowhere to be seen. “Damn… I wish I had a cool exit like that.”
“Hey,” Jesus asked, surprising Twilight at his sudden appearance behind her. Pointing to her cup, Jesus asked, “Are you going to finish your coffee?”
Having nearly fallen out of her seat, Twilight turned around and stared with wide eyes at Jesus, then to her cup, then back to Jesus, and shrugged. “Uh… sure, go ahead.”
“Thanks. Weirdly enough, these drinks are growing on me,” Jesus said, taking her cup and taking a drink, walking back down the road while humming under his breath. “Happy Easter!”
Twilight sighed, staring up at the clear blue skies of the fair spring day. “Why would they hide the eggs?”
That question, like many other related to a marketing holiday related to a bunny with colorful eggs and jellybeans, has an answer much more obvious and anticlimactic than you’d think.
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Jesus.
Don't forget the news report of the girl putting overdose pills in the easter eggs!
Also, inb4 Skeeter
Please, PLEASE write the poker game!
Also, I love how you humanized Jesus. Yes, he's God, but he was also man. I imagine he would be a fun guy to chat with. And the details about his appearance were a treat. People, Jesus wasn't white OR black. He was middle eastern.
I bet Buddha has the mother of all poker faces
Oh, also this.
simplexion.files.wordpress.com/2012/04/jesuslich.jpg
Congratulations! That was both sacriligious and informative.
But seriously, it was simple, funny, and lampooned what the holiday has been made to mean instead of lampooning the man behind it. Great stuff as usual.
4265933 your point?
Hey Scotty...
funny enough, this is how i imagine most of the gods spending their time. Even the "forgotten ones" (i.e. Norse, Greek/Roman, etc) would be screwing around like this, because it wouldn't be too out of character for them. I bet jesus is a lax guy, just annoyed by the fanatics.
I imagined this with Family guy's Jesus but more tanned
Welp, time for Poker Night 3 starring Jesus, Thor, Discord, Twilight Sparkle, Buddha, Hades, and Ra. Guest starring Quetzalcoatl as the dealer.
4265933 Well, considering that it was Discord who made this happen, I'd say, shut up and go somewhere else.
So... I guess the eggs didn't have anything to do with the Egyptian tradition? Tsk. Discord should have asked Ra and Ishtar for more info.
4265933 it only insulting if you take it as such
i think the author is just haveing a little fun
i believe in jesus but me and my brothers still crack jokes now and then we even get my mom to laugh some times and she hardcore with her faith
just chill not everything is an attack at you
4265914
If Jesus was Middle Eastern then how was he American?
I'm so sorry
Well I sense flame wars in a not so distant future... I mean I'm Christian and I love jokes about Christianity as long as they are tasteful, but I'm sure someone on this site is going to get butt hurt and someone else is going to go full bigot and there'll be a silly little war started because of it...
4265933 It's a joke. I recently came upon a thread upon a forum insulting fandoms, but then after I acted in the defense of fandoms it was explained to be a joke. While it is insulting, take a step back from being involved personally and try to appreciate it for the light hearted humor it is.
4266051
The same way He saved the dinosaurs in the Ark and made every single thing in the known universe billions of years old but kept Earth at 10,000 years.
/sarcasm
4266051 Obviously everyone talks aramic in Equestria.
I find this story extremely arrogant, distasteful, and downright evil.
How dare you say the Beetles are overrated! You will burn for this!
Other than that, you didn't do anything too offensive, and this day is about FORGIVENESS, TOLERATION, AND KINDNESS (*directed towards people who are going to start things*), so I'll just let it go. At least Discord and Twilight were amusing. Anywhores, happy Easter Bobino!
On a side note, who else thinks if Bob didn't do this and it was someone else, they would get even more attacks?
4266109
I read somewhere that Jesus invented the cheeseburger, then punched Kim Jong IL in the face when he tried to steal the credit.
4266141
I heard that Jesus invented baseball on the same day he wrote the US Constitution... in His own blood.
4265933 Well ya know, Jesus isn't like Allah, it ain't a sin to give him a fake personality... and it's RainbowBob, he's never been actively malicious about anything... from my knowledge.
4266051 Jesus was obviously black
Ask Huey Freeman
EDIT:
Too funny
I usually shy away from fics due to unavoidable flame wars, but you've succeeded in bringing this concept to a wonderful level, Bob. Keep it up 
Well done. I love that Jesus has a sense of humor. As for speech, he is the son of God. Language isn't going to be a challenge for him.
4265933
Right, because making fun of Christians is worse than Christians making fun of everyone else.
4265933
Religion is an insult to humanity; period.
Why not Apep?
Because Apep destroys universes. And carries mad aces.
~Dash The Stampede
Lol, loved it! Good job, Bobby!
I wish they'd invite me sometime...
4266689
They would if you stopped breaking the table every time you lose. You killing other gods doesn't help either.
Reminds me a little bit of Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal,
JesusJosh was a bit of a wise cracker in that one, too.Though, he loved coffee and the rabbits where just because he wanted them around whenever bad stuff happened to him.
Also, he studied martial arts with Shaolin monks, amongst other things. One of the few books I've read twice, and the only book I read and picked up again almost immediately, starting from the beginning.
4265933 I'm a Christian and have been all my life.
I found this hilarious, not insulting.
So.
Yeah.
Nice story, I think it was fun to read and not insulting at all to me. God must have humor when he has to put up with humanity. I also liked the tone of the whole thing. Jesus doesn't say anything that opposes what he is convinced of but neither forces he the ponies to do anything they don't want to.
4266141 send me that article
4266896
I think it's in revelations, actually.
4266898 oh... thanks for clearing that for me
4266443 4266457
It's not the belief system that's the problem, it's the people who believe in said systems. The people are the ones who commit genocide and terrorism in their desire to get closer to their deity. The PEOPLE are the problem.
4267173
You're half right. It's a mixture of the people and beliefs that are the problem. Take away the belief system and there wouldn't be any problems.
Dafaq
Can we get Exodia?
4266497 dear lord.
4266141 Well that's obviously a lie. Really, a Jew inventing cheeseburgers?
That was a great read
,
And you did a fascinating job at getting the true meaning of Easter out! Bravo Mr Bob, Bravo
4265933
It's people like you who give Christians a bad name.
4267241
Whoa, whoa. Let's not get offensive here...
Besides, even though ham is in the word hamburger, it's cow, not pork.
fc09.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2014/055/c/d/long_time_without_eating_a_burger_by_mrcbleck-d77usyj.png
4266443
Aren't you guys just a bundle of sunshine...
4266457
4266443
That's uncalled for.
4267205 That's what Socialism is for.
4266443 Religion is our first attempt at explaining the world around us. A pretty bad attempt, but an attempt non the less.