Chapter 2
“Oh my gosh… Does it hurt?” Rainbow Dash inquired, almost in a near panic, hovering from place to place frantically, her eyes never leaving Soarin’s oversized belly, her forehooves pressed into her cheeks, pinching her face and making her look ridiculous.
Soarin’ nodded. He and Dash had learned that the best approach was honesty and had vowed to never fall back into guessing games and trying to force one another to read minds.
“I know Twilight is working on what is going on, but we’re taking you to the hospital!” Rainbow cried.
Soarin’ tried to shoo Rainbow away, waving his hoof in dismissal. “I’m fine. Just big.”
“Too big Soarin, I’m scared! Real scared. You grew overnight! Gah! Please go Soarin’, please go for me!” Rainbow Dash pleaded and begged, raising her forehooves up together under her chin.
Soarin’ sighed and nodded, saying nothing in his defeat.
Cadance fretted and fussed. Shining Armor hadn’t been able to get out of the bed now for several days. A doctor stood nearby, and a nurse, both of them baffled, neither one of them quite able to deal with Shining Armor’s oversized belly. It was large and strangely… lumpy. Cadance had felt it herself, pressing her nose in where the doctor had told her to press.
Pressing her nose in had caused Shining Armor to crepitate labouriously. The stench of his passing still filling the room, cloying in the nostrils.
Shining Armor was still enough of a stallion somewhere in his brain to laugh riotously when he had farted, and then immediately felt embarrassed about it and tried to apologise. Something about the female form that caused one to become ashamed about flatulence, self conscious and aware of body image, and the need to be appealing, pleasing to others, an overpowering need to be and feel pretty.
And pretty mares did not fart.
Cadance did not find flatulence appealing, and Shining Armor, now female, had picked up on this all too soon. It was the nail in the coffin for poor Shining Armor, realising something in his fundamental nature had been changed dramatically.
Shining Armor began to cry.
Cadance tried soothing him, stroking him with a wing, but Shining Armor was on the rollercoaster ride of mommy hormones, he had reached a peak, and was now falling over the precipice, plunging into a steep decline.
“He’s been like this for weeks!” Cadance cried in frustration.
The nurse nodded.
“It is difficult being a mare.” The doctor admitted, removing his glasses with magic and polishing them on his white coat.
“I need chocolates and cuddle time.” Shining Armor sniffled, looking at Cadance with pleading bloodshot eyes, his mascara running. Shining had been experimenting with makeup, hoping that feeling pretty would help his mercurial mood.
Cadance nodded in understanding and wished that she had a strong masculine shoulder to lean on, her mind wishing for her Shining Armor back to the way he was.
“I feel so awful. I just don’t know what went wrong.”
Time Turner looked at Derpy, his hearts melting in his chest. The grey pegasus mare was beside herself. Sometimes, quite literally, as she summoned up another Derpy with the help of blue box to help wait on him hand and foot.
The blue box was still a mystery to Time Turner, covered in some strange lettering he could not read. It was much, much larger on the inside than on the outside. And Derpy seemed to be the only one who could make things on the inside do anything.
Time Turner had strange feelings about the blue box. He could hear it singing sometimes. Lately, it seemed to thrum with strange energy.
Time Turner had stepped out of the blue box one day with jumbled memories, strange knowledge, and a terrible case of general amnesia. He couldn’t remember his own name, or who he was, so the ponies had called him Time Turner because of his knack with clocks. Occasionally, his mind would flood with brilliant thoughts, thoughts about things like timey wimey wibbly wobbly stuff, and then it would vanish without a trace. Some days, he knew more than others, at least he thought he did, but he could never be sure.
He was certain about one thing though. He hadn’t always been a pony. He had been something else once, what he was, he could not tell. Something about regeneration danced around the edges of his memory.
“You’re so big!” Derpy said, rubbing her hooves gently over Time Turner’s belly, worry still on her face, her amber eyes looking in different directions. Derpy pressed her ear to the rounded belly and listened.
“I have a strange craving for bananas. And celery.” Time Turner announced, smacking his lips noisily and blinking his eyes several times rapidly.
“I’ll go get some. Wanna banana nut muffin?” Derpy replied.
“Yeah, that would be fantastic!” Time Turner said, his plot suddenly exploding with enough force to cause Derpy to scream in alarm.
Zecora eyed Iron Will, her face creased with concern. Something just wasn’t right, and Zecora knew it. Zecora could understand pregnancy, she was an experienced midwife, but Iron Will’s condition baffled her. The minotaur cow was too far along too soon. And she was strangely lumpy.
Iron Will farted loudly, his face straining as he did so.
Zecora hoped the farts were not strangely lumpy. That would be bad. Lumpy flatulence was always a worrying sign of something wrong.
“If you are fat and full of gas, you must blow it out your ass!” Iron Will announced, pressing down on his stomach, his nostrils flaring.
“You have ruined our home and soiled our hut, would you please stop your trumpeting from your butt?” Zecora replied, mildly annoyed, her nostrils crinkling.
“If a little baby is soon to be born, you must announce them with a horn!” Iron Will argued, his expression pained as he pressed down on his stomach with one hand, and cupped an oversized udder bulging from his chiseled pectorals with the other.
“Stop right now and let go your tits, it is making me think about your filly bits!” Zecora protested. She felt guilty for having so much desire while her partner seemed to be suffering so.
“If you want to ride my belly, you must squeeze me into jelly!” Iron Will offered.
“If I squeeze your belly, it will come to pass, so much sound and fury... will come out your ass.” Zecora replied.
“I have nothing.” Iron Will said, looking astonished and somewhat embarrassed. “You are a noble and magnificent creature. I can spout catchphrases all day, but you make beautiful poetry.” Iron Will began to sniffle slightly, suddenly looking very emotional, still squeezing one of his udders absentmindedly.
Zecora kissed him gently, hoping to make him feel better.
A dreadful cloud hung over Ponyville. It was thick, smoggy, and sulfurous. A similar cloud hung over Canterlot, over Manehatten, over every city and town in Equestria.
And the world.
Begin to worry ✓
Twilight Sparkle felt a tingle of fear as she hung her head out the window, her nostrils crinkling, the smell so thick and cloying now that you could taste it.
The pegasi were working overtime trying to create wind to blow the feculent cloud away. It didn’t seem to be helping.
Begin to understand that events have begun to spiral out of control ✓
Luna stood on the battlements, holding a conductor’s wand in her magic, looking very pleased with herself, her eyes wide, her face in a manic grin, her teeth visible, her wings sprung out and fully erect, quivering with her passion.
“ONCE MORE WITH FEELING GIRLS!!!” Luna commanded.
She raised the conductor's wand, gave it a tap on the crenulations, and the music started.
Below her, her herd of mares began their terrifying song, a flatulent frog song of the damned, each one of them farting out a trumpeting blast in time to their cue from the conductor’s wand, creating the most horrible nightmarish music ever heard on Equestria since the Cutie Mark Crusaders school musical number. The enormous shaggy lunar pegasi reveled in their nightmarish music, their faces in ecstasy, their only desire to please their Mistress. She wanted them to sing, and they gave her music, music filled with love and adoration, their heads down, their plots raised in song, their tails flicking like horrible metronomes in time with the music.
Celestia screamed in fetid horror, the “Song of the Barking Spiders” as Luna called it damaging her sanity. The “Lament of the Quacking Ducks” had also been quite awful, but “Song of the Barking Spiders” was well practiced, giving it a truly nightmarish quality. Celestia thought the sound below sounded like a herd of elephants stampeding through the mud.
Celestia contemplated snatching Windburn and abdicating her throne.
Stats
Page generated in 0.141 seconds
Total duration
862 users online
1,254,533 hits today, 2,054,621 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
So instead of dick jokes, it's fart jokes this time?
I see.
4262477
Well, most of the dicks vanished.
Next story will be farting dicks, I promise.
My god, it's full of.... it's full of....
....gas apparently.
4262485 first a sequel now a trilogy? how amazing can you get?!
4262520
The potential might be there. I don't know how long I can keep this silliness up without busting my funny bone.
4262525 well it doesnt have to be ALL silly does it?
4262549
Well, there is also the romance, the making out, the family bonding, and uh, I'm forgetting something important... Not sure what.
4262558
Oh yeah!
Babies! ✓
4262562 you also forgot the random tag, i feel like thats pretty important
4262569
You are correct sir!
4262577 we should totes do a collab some day :P
4262584
Maybe, but I snort a few rails of chaos daily... You'd have to be mad.
Are you on drugs?
4262586 lol is that a challenge?
4262602
Not any more...
**Snort**
Since I've learned how to Hail Eris, I take my daily dose of Fnord and I'm just fine.
Now We know the true cause of smog. Tis not the fart of cow or frog. All is the work of pregnant mares. Passing gas everywhere.
(Edit: I just realized how fun commenting in rhymes is)
4262651
A very frogulent observation.
i can't stop laughing, it's making me cry
I find the word flatulants alone to be funny but this... Omg. To much! Too much! LMFAO!!!
Good sir you seem quite mad.
MOAR!!!
Dude... I haven't laughed so hard in ages... this is BUCKING GOLD.
4261770 60. And holy shit, that's a lot.
The gas does nothing for me. I mean, R63 + not taking yourself seriously = dick jokes, naturally. That made me laugh, because it was appropriately immature. The fart jokes in this story seem nonsensically, inappropriately immature. I'd much rather have more jokes based on morning sickness and mood swings.
4261770 ..Jesusfuck.
..Oh god what the fuck.
Luna, stop blocking out the sun with farts!
What a strong feeling story. Strong feelings of gas at least.
So now I have this utterly hilarious mental image.
As soon as Twilight figures out what's going on with the quints, she goes to confront Discord (who is curled up around his eggs, smugly insisting that they are the most wonderful eggs that have ever existed in the history of Equestria and refusing to have any kind of discussion about anything with anyone until they admire his eggs). Discord hadn't consciously cast the spell in the first place, his body just kind of did it while he was Eris, so he wasn't aware of the quints. Once he finds out, his first reaction is total glee at the chaos that will ensue. But then Twilight points out to him that pony mares are not built to have five liveborn at a time (also possibly pointing out that his situation was completely different as an egg layer, and he'd have had a different opinion if he'd had to be pregnant), and that so many quints being born will result in birth defects, stillbirths, maternal mortality, infant mortality, infanticide, and neglected or abandoned foals.
At which point, Discord -- who may be male, but is still brooding eggs, and if you've ever met a broody chicken you know it can play almost as much havoc with the emotions as pregnancy can -- breaks down and starts crying hysterically, because he can't handle the thought of causing harm to foals. And since he has no normal experience of protective emotions, he has absolutely no defense against the way his hormones are demanding that he Protect The Eggs, And Also All the Young Creatures In Existence Ever. (OK, maybe I just think this is hilarious because this is more or less how I felt when I was pregnant, but the idea of a broody Discord is just too funny to pass up.)
4263757
"but the idea of a broody Discord"
Ha-HAH! Multiple entendre!
I can handle dick jokes. I can handle fart jokes. But you brought it to a crescendo with Luna's Fartchestra.
It's been three minutes and I'm still laughing. Send help.
I cracked up at this line...
imagine if someone just radomly came through the portal and he said, "whelp time to light a match boys!". That or a group of dragons shows up and the leaders says this..."Alright boys......whatever you do.......don't sneeze".
Equestria is now the land of the living stink horns; A large portion of her population sending-forth foul smelling sounds.
4266172 you stole my line XD
Dude, what the hell is wrong with you? I thought the first one was demented, but this brings it to a new level. Seriously? A Fart-pocolypse??? This is by far one of the WORST stories to ever be put upon this website.
I'm going to need more popcorn.
What did i just read?
What... what am I reading? XD
Their all going to give birth to mud babies.
This chapter makes me wish for an "all tie best" category to put this in. Haven't laughed this hard in ages.
o7
This is much less sexy than it's predecessor...
4321206 But it sure is alot stinkier!
Congratulations, Luna the fart conductor has had me laughing for the last 20 minutes.
Reading this makes me feel like I am back in Middle School.
4364038 Join the club!!!
Only Luna would turn farting into a musical weapon.
The last section of this. From the moment Luna orders music, to the end had me in tears. I haven't laughed this hard in ages. And at least we know where a majority of the fog has come from.
4498806 Don't get any ideas.
So sorry if you didn't enjoy writing this - I think it's a blast!!
Alright, alright, I'm sorry.
4264064 Aww poor you!
Please don't die!
I should probably be ashamed for laughing at these fart jokes... but I regret nothing.