Nothing to tell. Average in every sense of the word.
Charlie was never the most sociable person on the base, but he was dedicated. Little did he know that his skills and introverted nature would make him perfect for one of the most adventurous missions in human history.
He's tasked with providing technological assistance to the newly discovered Equine homeland whilst discovering all he can for the benefit of Mankind back home. He'll also discover more about himself as he's thrown headfirst into some very strange situations.
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Hmm, this looks to be quite interesting. Content wise it seems to be looking good.
There are a few errors in capitalisation and the lack of punctuation in some areas of dialogue. But I'm not here to be a grammar nazi, I shall read on.
"A pleasure, sir."
Aside from that, I'm curious to see how Charlie is going to react to Equestria. Next chapter!
Well, I am engrossed now. Also quick thing. Unless being used for date or time. Numbers should be written and not appear like this '2'. Apart from that. This looks really good for a first story. I look forward to more.
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Thanks muchly for all your feedback. They've all been added to my list!
4262989 Anything to see a new writer succeed. I wish you luck.
You've got my interest, eager to see how this develops.
Well, that was amazing. Seriously, another brilliant idea in this site. You know, I always loved the 'first contact with human and pony society, human go through a advanced portal device, and human ship crash landed in equestria' sci-fi stories. Keep up the good work buddy, i can't wait the next chapter.
Oh, and here goes my like and fav. And this too, you know just for to celebrate the new story.
reactiongifs.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/underwear-dance.gif
Needs some editing but not a horrible start. Considering you haven't stated what country this is in, I'll let a lot of the military based errors slide.
Interesting premise. Only 2 problems beyond editing with this chapter.
1. They pretty much gave the OC carte blanche to gift tech to the local society at his discretion. No consideration for geopolitical implications, let alone secured tech.
2. No. 1 brings this up. Unknown, unallied country that "appears" to be a friendly. ANY military on the planet would have combat personnel on site and ERT on the other side of the portal. Ponies might be friendly, but what about anyone else who suddenly finds out there is a supercomputer with the guy who knows how to run it in a town filled with ponies. I'll take easy targets for $1000 please, Alex.
Overall, not a bad start. I'll be watching.
4263259 You may have touched on a point i'm pondering of implementing later on. But interesting points all the same. I've discovered that a huge issue for me will be trying not to dig myself into a hole. Thanks for the help ;)
4263184 haha, glad you like it. Also, thanks very much for that lovely image! That's gone and burned itself into my retinas for at least 3 days
4264739 No problem. Glad to see someone else doing an unusual HiE story. I've got one going about a Combat Engineer myself.
Best of luck and I'll try to point out anything I catch. Btw, might want to put more tags up than just human for the story. I'd recommend Alt Universe (otherwise there will be bitching) Adventure, and something else that fits what you have planned.
Getting into this.
Only thing I've noticed is the capitalization of 'i' is sometimes missing. For example: “Fastest flier in Equestria i’ll have you know!”
Nothing major, certainly not enough to put me off.
4274039 woops! Thanks for that.
well that explains that
Sorry if this is premature, but are you planning on continuing this story?
4642466 Yes I am. Next chapter is being worked on, but I can only work on it during the weekends....and even then only on the quiet ones.
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Oops, I'm an idiot. Just realized you made a blog post saying you were still working on it 2 weeks ago.
Well, crap. If you need me, I'll be over here, not checking things before I make comments.
4645206 Haha! No worries. Happens to the best of us.
This was funny.
Looking good so far. You seem off to a nice start. Just saw a few odd verb tenses here and there but not too much.
I feel the witty-ness is forced.
He can have a British accent and calls everyone:
poptranshumanism.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/03/butlertron.gif
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That was pretty much what came to mind!
Short circuit?
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When he's thinking, use italics instead of quotation marks.
I wonder what's going to happen next.
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Many, many fics use that explanation -- that pony hooves have some kind of magical stickum, suction, short range telekinesis, whatever. I've never liked that. It seems like a cop-out. Not having hands is one of the things that makes ponies different and interesting. Making their hooves magically work like hands just takes that away.
i was actually reading this at 3:36 am.
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I can't remember exactly where, but I vaguely remember seeing stuff in the show that'd be quite difficult to explain without something along those lines.
Besides, that doesn't change the fact that they're not built for habitual upright walking, which makes their forelimbs unsuitable for carrying things.
Lots of grammatical errors, mostly spelling and comma use. Your misuse of periods in quotes is particularly painful. Dialog is bland and lacks depth. Characters are flat. The plot isn't strong enough to hold up under these problems.
not to be rude but when can we get a new chapter
5707461 so you think he needs to re-enforce the Plotimg0.joyreactor.cc/pics/comment/full/my-little-pony-фэндомы-личное-plot-621227.png
Late sleeper, ha! A lot of the time, I don't even get up 'til 4.
Overall, a decent first effort. Still needs some polishing, but it has potential. I hope you decide to keep writing, because practice makes perfect.
That this is being thought should not be the very last thing in the paragraph. Italics are great for this; I'd recommend using those.
'Ops' generally doesn't get any special capitalization.
Perhaps 'made any effort with'? As it is currently, it just sounds odd.
The I should be capitalized. There are a few "i'll"s in there as well.
'Soldiers' should not be capitalized.
Should almost definitely be 'the finer details'.
Should be 'if it was worth it'.
Is English your first language? If you have any intent to continue this story, I'd be happy to do some light grammatical editing like this for you. If you ever come back and are interested, let me know.