Twilight New Family

by OccamsRazor

7 months

My belly was big now and I think the foal was ready to have its magic checked so I made the magic with my horn and it lit up my belly. I felt the foal inside of me and realised he was an alicorn because I could feel his wings and also his horn. I found his magic and took some of it. I remembered what it was like, so now I was ready to go and find the father.

I made my horn into a kind of metal detecter but for magic so I went around waving my horn looking for pegasus or alicorns around. I didn't find anything so then I was sad so I sat down and cried. The foal kicked me and that made me remember how important it was to find this guy before the foal was born. I started my magic detecter again and kept walking.

Comments

[Normal]

Pssssstttt, guess what?

Dr? More like doctor!

Also, I'm already seeing some areas with question marks that don't deserve them, and visa versa.

Also, taught should be thought.

Also, doctors are not allowed to blanatly insult their patients.

Sentance structure seems a bit funny here. A lot of these sentances should be rephrased.

Ahhhhh, the great logical achievement of human kind; don't like it, don't read it.

[Not Here Anymore]

Poorly written description and short desc by this I meam

Mi name is Twilight Sparkle an I am pregnant with a foal. I dont know who's foal it is but I do know that I hav too protect it.
Wish me luck!

first I just stated the errors and the description should be longer now for the short desc errors

hi I'm Twiligt SParkl and I just found out I'm pregnent with some guys foal.

first you put a capital letter at the start of every sentence and your 2nd error the 'Twiligt SPark' should be spelled like 'Twilight Sparkle' and 'pregnent' should be spelled 'pregnant'

[Pyriel]

Dude, I'm not trying to be mean, but with spelling that bad the mods will think you're being a horrible writer on purpose and remove you story. The interactive rainbowdash on my screen agrees.

[Sille]

Trolling isn't funny. It's very obvious you're being stupid on purpose.

[Twilight Best Pony]

obvious troll is obvious.

[lunabrony]

Do the prereader mods even look at these anymore?

[Manes]

[FicusCat]

[Okhlahoma Beat-Down]

Can anybody figure out why this person put his penis in a text scanner, then made it come up as this shit on the screen?

[Normal]

4257989
I don't know. I thought penis fit best in one's mouth.

[The Orange Nebula]

Were you shit faced drunk while writing this?

[Xray]

Thumbs up because this is so bad it's funny and the comments are entertaining.

[Umachan]

Obvious trollfic is obvious.

And this comment 4068700 has now been confirmed as being true. Congratulations, you're not only a troll but a really bad one.

[Abxes]

Applying Occam's razor one can conclude this is all an elaborate ruse.

[Wurd]

Well...at least this chapter used grammar.

trolls...

[Starlight Shadow]

Please do not comment mean things It makes me sad :(

And I should give a fuck about making you sad because...

Obvious trollfic is obvious.

[TorontoFCBrony]

I think the proofreaders allow these stories to get passed so that we can see how not to write anything...

I don't want to be rude, I don't like to be rude, but... I mean... come on! Just, please, at least try to use proper spelling and grammar. It wouldn't hurt.

Also, this whole story is basically like:
This happened and then this happened and then this happened.
You're just telling us things. Show us things. Describe things better. Make us wonder about things. This is more of a list of events than an actual story.

And for crying out loud, please make a proper description!

I know we all have to start somewhere, but you really should put some more thought into it before posting it.

Also, "mean" comments help you get better. If you don't want to improve, then you shouldn't even try to begin with.

[DuskPhoenix]

Hello from your resident sarcastic dick! Guess what? I'm here to tell you that this story is possibly the worst thing I've lain my eyes on since I read your first story! I could go out, beat up a bunch of puppies, put the puppies in a blender with a gallon of fairy dust, mix it with tequila, drink it all, vomit my guts out, take a picture of my vomit, and post in on instagram, and get more likes than both your stories have combined!

This is probably great news for you though, seeing as you are so obviously a troll. If not, please do not procreate! The intelligence level of our planet is dropping rapidly enough without your bloated contribution.

And this is your resident sarcastic dick, signing off from another blunt comment! See you on his next story.

[Gherkin]

[Sky Dance]

isn't mi editor great? he makes the whole story better, but for some reason he dosent want me to recognise him here.

If this guy isn't a troll, I will tell everyone I know, that I love the movie Food Fight!

[Toaster Shift]

4259733 hahahaha
hahahahaha
You made my day buddy!

[DAMN HAMSTER]

It's stories like this that make me question the moderators purpose here.

[SShonix]

Greatest story ever. clap clap