Shaded Views
It was noon in Manehatten, and ponies left their businesses for one of the best times of the day, lunch break. The Tasty Tomato was a very popular restaurant for this time, and their sandwiches were to die for!
Filthy Rich, owner of Barnyard Bargains, was enjoying his own DLT, and reading the paper. The headline said "Elements of Harmony stop Discord!". As he read the paper, he didn't notice his shadow turn a shade darker and stretch up onto his shoulder. Filthy's shadow stretched back down to the ground, where a black shape shot out from it. The shape traveled along the ground and around the restaurant.
The shape stopped when it reached the back of the restaurant. It then rose up onto the wall where a somewhat clearer shape could be made out. It was black, like a shadow. It also bore a resemblance to a ghost. The ghost-like being had an eye that was located in the center of where it's face would be. The "eye" narrowed as the being muttered to itself.
"So, Discord has been defeated, eh?" it's voice sounding like a creepy male whisper, "Cool, that means I'm at the beginning of season 2. Which also means that a certain series of events will occur soon." The being made an eye smile.
"And with those events, a chance to have my revenge on you, traitor!" With that said, he shot up to the roof of the building, where a flock of pigeons were resting. He entered the shadow of one of the birds, and began creeping up the body of the bird. Soon, the entire bird was pitch black in color.
The shadow being then chuckled, "Alright, now to Ponyville!" he said, then took off toward the small town.
As he flew, he thought back on how he had gotten into this mess in the first place.
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Flashback
Xavier's POV, 1,005 yrs. ago
I rolled my eyes as I listened to my friend, Jack, talk Pinkie Pie style about My Little Pony. Now, don't get me wrong, the show is interesting, I'll admit that, but it gets annoying to listen to your best friend to talk about it all the time.
Ok, maybe I should explain. My friend Jack and I are going to a friend's house for a Halloween party. Jack had dressed up as Soundwave from Transformers Prime. Even though he loves MLP, he will always be a Transformers fan boy. I chose to dress up as my Ectonurite OC, Shade. I was wearing a dark grey hooded robe that had black crack-like lines on various parts of the robe. The hood could be zipped up, and on the zipped up hood was a single blood red eye with a slit pupil. On each of my sleeves, I wore manacles with some designs on them. I had gotten them at Comic Con.
Now, I have seen some MLP episodes, my favorites being Discord's premiere and the Mare-do-Well episode. But Jack has seen every episode, beginning to end. He even memorized some of them. That is dedication in my book, dedication or just flat out obsession. Either or, take your pick.
Anyway, I notice Jack slowing down about the newest episode. "Alright Jack, chill," I said, happy to finally get a word in edge wise, "I know you like the show, but can you calm down? Some of the people in there probably don't want to hear you talk their ears off about it."
Jack thought about it for a second before answering. He sighed, "Alright, I'll tone it down."
I smiled, "Awesome, now let's get in there and party!"
When we entered the house, the party was in full swing. It has been about an hour since then, and the party showed no signs of slowing down anytime soon.
I was at the punch bowl when Jack walked over. "Yo dude!" He said, "How are you liking the party so far?"
I grinned, "It's awesome dude! Some of these costumes are really fucking cool!"
"I know, right!" he said, "Hey, I was meaning to ask you earlier, but where did you get those manacles anyway?"
"I got them from a guy at Comic Con."
"From Comic Con, where all of those people disappeared?"
"Yeah, why?"
"Just wondering. Hey, are they supposed to be glowing like that?"
I looked down. Just as Jack had said, my manacles were glowing a purple color.
"They shouldn't be." I replied, a little freaked out. But before we could do anything else, there was a purple flash, and then darkness.
I awoke feeling strange. I looked around, and noticed two things. One, for some reason, I could only see from one eye. Two, I appeared to be in some kind of forest.
"Oh, great," I grumbled, "did someone spike the punch bowl or something?" I looked down, and screamed. I had lost my legs, and in their pace was an ethereal tail.
"Holy!" I exclaimed, "What the hell!" I tried to stand, and quickly levitated up into the air. Mentally freaking out, I looked around, and noticed a pool of water nearby. I wobblingly floated over to it, not used to not having legs and floating. Once there, I quickly noticed that my robe had become skin-like, and that I had no zipper to show my actual head. I looked at my hands. They were a dark grey, the same color as my robe, but I had lost two fingers, with each hand having only four digits as opposed to the usual five.
"Okay, I'm in a forest in the middle of bum-fuck nowhere, and I've apparently been turned into my OC." I muttered, trying to rationalize the situation. Looking back at my hands, I noticed that my manacles were still on.
"Damn it!" I hissed, glaring at the metal cuffs. "This is all your faults!"
"Hello?" A new voice called out, "Is somepony there?" It sounded like a girl.
Just sit still, and don't make a noise. Maybe she'll go away. I thought.
I could hear the sound of foot steps. It sounded like two people were coming over. A bush rustled for a few minutes before the beings came out. Or, should I say, being. It was a horse, it was a midnight blue color, with a mane and tail that looked like parts of the night sky. It had a unicorn horn, and from what I could see, it also had a pair of wings tucked at it's sides.
Holy shit, it's Princess Luna. I thought to myself before my eye widened in realization.Wait, that means I'm in My Little Pony. Oh, come on! Why couldn't it be the Naruto universe, or the Young Justice universe?
As soon as Luna spotted me, her eyes widened before glaring at me. "Halt foul creature! Who and what art thou, and what is thou's business here?"
Thinking quickly, I responded. "Greetings! I did not mean to intrude upon anything you may have been doing. I have gotten lost."
Luna was still glaring at me, but it had softened a tad. "Very well. But, thou still haven't answered our other questions."
Thanking my natural ability to think up things on the fly, I answered. "Oh, yes, of course. I simply forgot them. My name is Shade, and I am an Ectonurite."
--------------------------------
Present Day
Xavier/Shade's POV
Shaking myself out of my trip down memory lane, I noticed that I had almost reached my destination.
Damn, how long was I reminiscing? I thought to myself before I saw my destination coming up. Ah, there you are!
I landed on the window sill, checking to see if she was home. Luckily, she was sitting on her bed, reading a story. Once I did that, I then released the pigeon. It let out a shrill cry of surprise, before flying off once I had let it go fully. I winced, expecting the resident to look up from her story, but thankfully, she didn't. Dumb flying rat. Could've gotten me noticed. I mentally grumbled.
I quietly went over to the wall that she was facing. Loudly clearing my throat, I eye-smiled again as I saw her jump in surprise. As she looked around for the source of the noise, I cleared my throat again. This time she looked over to me, and her jaw dropped to the floor. Suppressing the chuckles that threatened to spill out, I spoke.
"Greetings Ms. Dash. I would like to have a word with you."
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This just seems like your poor attempt to jump on the bandwagon. In all honesty, this story doesn't intrigue me at all. You rush from scene to scene with no real coherent thought put into what order you want things to happen. You suddenly give us information that this dude, Shade, was betrayed by Luna because apparently he 'lied' to her. You didn't give us any background for Shade himself, nor did you give us any reason to like or hate him as a character.
Malideus makes us like and hate him because he's such a likable 'evil' protagonist. Invention comes up with multiple inventions that keep some of us drawn in. Solaire is just some dude who's running about not giving a fuck for the rules. Each of these stories gives us one reason or another to keep reading and find out what happens. Yours does no such thing.
In my honest opinion, I wasted a good three to five minutes reading this when I could have been doing something else.
4248943
Well, this is my first attempt at doing a story like this, so you shouldn't expect a great story right off of the bat.
Please give some constructive criticism, not... whatever it is you just said.
4248962 I have to agree with NightmareKnight. Not to mention that you have your timeline wrong. Luna/Nightmare Moon was imprisoned in the moon 1000 years before the events of the first episode, and the Discord accident happens several months later.
All in all, the chapter just doesn't flow right. No build-up, no description, nothing. It looks like it was rushed, and not in the way I rushed the ending of the third chapter of my own LoHAV story.
4248962 That was constructive criticism. It was me saying you rushed the hell out of this story just so you could join the fad of LOHAV stories popping up everywhere. You didn't give your character any depth, nor did you give us a reason to stick around to find out what happened.
4248989
Since Discord was imprisoned 1000 years before the show, I didn't think that Luna's transformation was about the same time.
Also, if it looks rushed, can you please tell me how to make it look... unrushed. (if that is even a real word.)
4249024 Not Discord, Nightmare Moon. It's canon, from the very first episode:
The time of Discord's imprisonment is never mentioned in the show, or at least I didn't find it.
As for how not to make it seem that rushed - follow the advise from 4249016 - add some character dept, pace the story, add some descriptions, etc.
4249042 Discord's imprisonment was never really mentioned in the show, no, but it's implied that it was quite a while beforehand. It took time for Luna to devolve into Nightmare Moon, and it probably started shortly after they imprisoned Discord... from a fanon POV anyways.
4249042
Ah, thanks. I'll be changing somethings over spring break.
4249053 That makes sense.
4249055 Good.
well, let's see what comes of this
Okay, since Nightmare Night already beat your story pretty well, I feel like I am not needed, but I do have things to say.
Your sentence structure is lazy, using words like "Then or as" to connect thoughts which only slows the pace down. I like to use words like these as speed bumps, but never as much as you did. I just felt wrong when reading this.
I won't talk about Shade becouse he's already been torn apart, but the way you describe the elements of harmony being used was really confusing and the whole Discord Nightmare moon debacle I saw only drags the story down, turning people away from the story instead of pulling them in.
I'll stop here since you just used this to jump on the bandwagon, if you have any other stories I'll give them a look if you want and provide a bit more constructed criticism.
4249367
I don't have anymore on here, but I do have one on Fanfiction.
And the whole elements thing is that I found that Luna and Celestia each had three elements. Luna had honesty, loyalty, and laughter, while Celestia had magic, generosity, and kindness by default. It was revealed in the season 4 premiere.
4249841
4249367
4248943
4248989
Alright, I fixed it. Tell me what you think.
4274443 Hm, much better. Still had grammar/spelling mistakes littered all over it, but that's to be expected from a story with no editor. I think I will follow this for now after all.
Good job on the redo.
4274965
Thanks!
Insulting someone isn't a very good way to make friends, and yet, Luna and Shade seem to be getting along great! Even though they've only known each other 20 seconds.
4539394
They weren't really insulting each other. Luna called Shade a creature becuase she didn't know who or what he was. And Shade hasn't called her anything.
Yet.
4539709 the word "foul" was in there. And I was only referring to Luna insulting Shade.