One faithful day the guards turned against Luna and Celestia. They went through and killed them. They left Equestria in Anarchy. Me and my friend Cloud Flicker will change the world forever.
Chapters (2)
- Member Since 16th Apr, 2014
- offline last seen Jul 30th, 2014
Derpy_Hooves13
I love Derpy and the Doctor. I am a pegasister but, still consider my self a BRONY. Love to here new head cannons about MLP. I was born on February 13 2001, in Indiana.
Derpy_Hooves13
Joined 16th Apr, 2014 ·
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I feel like there's the core of a really good, worthwhile idea in there, but it's being ruined by a lot of basic errors and narrative problems. You really should've had a beta-reader/editor give it a once-over.
Wow. So, where do I even begin?
1. Context: Wow, where do I even begin with this one? First off, why did the guards rebel? How did they rebel? How were they able to get Celestia and Luna who can, respectively raise the goddam sun and moon to a state where they can't use magic or fly away? I mean, sure, it wouldn't be hard to do that to Luna since she's still new there, but Celestia's got 1k years of practice. I can understand that the first chapter was mostly a flashback, and the second paragraph was basically a "life after Zeroday" scenario, but who the hell is your main character, where is she, why is she, and most importantly: why the hell is she so introspective? Ten years olds don't even know the meaning of sadness (or reason/logic) so what is her major malfunction?
2. Narrative: Christ on a bike is this narrative crazy (and not as entertaining). First off, slow your shit. You had the guards rebel and kill off the main rulers to Equestria all within the span of (what I hesitate to call) a chapter, as well as introducing Anarchy (which I'l 50% convinced that you don't know the actual meaning of). Speaking of, you implemented that Equestria has televison.. which isn't/hasn't been portrayed as Canon.
3. Grammar: You can spell words correctly and capitalize them, which is good, but for the love of all that is holy, double space your paragraphs. It feels like trying to read the Berlin wall.
(P.S: You're an ass for joining the School for New Writers just to promote your story.)
Dear Mr Ignorable,
I am sorry you feel this way about my story. If you think that a 13 year old girl is an ass then you are messed up. I am a young kid and am trying to write like all the others here. I am again sorry that you do not like my story. If you hate it this much please don't read it. I take the second comment on my first story seriously and if you hate it this much I think I will stop writing. I am sorry that you think my overview on what happened is to fast and short, and that my head cannon about tv's is not real. I am again sorry for what you think about my style of writing.
Sincerely,
Derpy_Hooves13