Jura
Joined 30th Mar, 2012 ·
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Awesome... just.. awesome. Short, but still oh-so-darn good. There were two sencences that (IMO) needed fixing. However, I could only find one of them but that should suffice. Every little bit counts.
''A *knock knock*ing at the door startled the unicorn and sent her blood pressure through the roof.''
I think it would sound better if it would say ''The knocking sound coming from the door startled the unicorn and sent blood pressure through the roof.''
For the pairing:
Can't really see it, though most of my ships are male/female so meh.
For the story:
27.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_kpowqoR2Wn1qzma4ho1_400.jpg
Rarishy is such a good pair.
Agreed. We need more Flarity. And this was a cute one.
That was...interesting, go on
Just a rant:
?
What about the horn
Also using word "cum" made me think I missed some stalion scene..maybe another word would be better...donno maybe "love juice" or something
385081
''The knocking sound coming from the door startled the unicorn and sent blood pressure through the roof.''
Not to make ya feel bad, but even THAT sentence sounds a tad amateurish. Why is the blood pressure going through the roof? Is it HER blood pressure? Is it the knock's? Is the blood pressure its own character and going through the roof because it's fun?
Let's do a fixie:
A knock came at the door, startling Rarity. She felt her ears become hot as her blood pressure rose, but gathered her courage and went to open the door.
385345
So, I made a typo. Big deal. And for the record, YES, I still am a rookie writer. No matter how good you are, anyone is prone to making mistakes.
Especially to you, I have this to say:
Please, stop acting like a Parasprite.
i've read quite a few rarishy fics...
this was... I didn't know it was gonna be so cloppy. I came for the cuteness of Rarishy. Not sure if I regret staying. Wait yes I do... or do I?
Confound these ponies.
No yood rarishy?
read 'Lately'
385376
Hey, nothing I said was meant to make you feel bad. And it wasn't a typo, not really. Even if it was "her blood pressure", it still was an awkward sentence.
I've got nothing aganst a rookie writer, but if you're inexperienced, then read carefully when someone tries to give you constructive criticism. Reacting like I just called your mom something nasty is not the way you're going to improve.
Here's some free writing tips, just because I'm nice.
>To tell when you've written something awkward, just read your chapter out loud. If a sentence doesn't sound good when being said out loud, it's going to sound awkward to your readers.
>To fix this, try multiple things:
a. Mesh two sentences together, using commas, semicolons, or slashes and shortening the both of them so they fit together better.
b. Delete the sentence completely. (This one should be considered always, especially if the awkward sentence does nothing to move the scene along.)
c. Reconstruct the sentence differently.
d. Separate one sentence into two or more. (I did C and D both with the fixie. Sometimes it's better to just mix a few options.)
Keep trying until something works.
>When you finish a chapter, DO NOT POST IT WITHIN THE HOUR. Wait one or two days, then go back and read it with a fresh state of mind. In this stage, you'll notice all your mistakes, and be able to fix them, correcting flow issues, out-of-character moments, spelling and grammar errors, and most of your other mistakes.
>To be absolutely sure your chapter is worthy of reading by an audience as potentially large as the Internet, make sure you run the nearly-finished chapter by one or two of your friends. They usually are able to catch the mistakes you missed, and can offer suggestions of their own and help make your writing better. (I understand some of us ficcers tend to write porn, and we don't want our friends reading it. So feel free to skip this tip if you're making MLP porn.)
Following these tips will help you immensely, as they have helped me.
meh. coulda been longer, but otherwise, a good start.
Haven't seen a Rarishy fic here huh? I, after noticing the disturbing lack, made one myself called Spa Day Seduction. Check it out whenever you have free time. I'm positive you'll like it.
As for your story, not bad for a novice. True, your skills need some polishing, but I respect your beginning status. As long as you don't stop writing, you'll get better. :)
I really really enjoyed reading this.
The majority of the clop fictions on here just describe them fucking like bunnies... or, erm... ponies, in that case. 
But you could really sense the emotions of Fluttershy and Rarity in this story. To put it simply, it was refreshing. And lovely.
The line that really got to me was when you described it as them 'writing poetry together'. That was by far the best part.
Yes, like some people above said there were a few lines that could use some work. But otherwise this was beautifully written. A great start, I really hope to see more work from you in the future. 
Interesting start, let's see where this goes. There is Flarirty/Rarishy if you look for it, Horn Care and Gabrriel's lovely works among them.
385328
Knew you'd be here.
Question. How did cum get on fluttershy's belly?
This moved soo fast that I double checked to see if there was a parody tag on the story. It seems like you have in 1 page condensed what some take tens of thousands of words to achieve.
Ánd no, this is not something negative, I'm just enjoying the story differently from everyone else.
Girls can cum too XD Just saying.
I agree with
386613
Moved far far too fast
'Incomplete'? I don't know.
IMO, if you add anything else, you'll ruin what you have. It's great as-is.
389587
I have a second part done XD It's just a bit of a continuation. Thanks for the support though!
Fixed some weird grammatical errors.
Nice chapter. I'm really enjoying this fic so far. Keep up the great work!
Oh, and I'm not sure if it's just my phone, but I think your link is broken.
386693 Girls can cum but it's not enough to get on their own stomachs..
But, this is a good fic. I liked the scenes well enough and I love the pairing (there are tons of Flarity fics out there if you know where to look.) I wish to see more from you :).
Here, take all my dawww!
Also, you're the first guy who managed to make two girls, who indulge into aphyxiation and water torture shortly after losing their virginities, not look kinky, congratz!
so so good
This is good. This is really good. No, this is awesome .
Excellent
525329 I loved it until the guy added adventure..
Another reason why Rarishy or really any f/f Rarity shipping isn't very common is because it's pretty canon that she's straight, what with the whole Blueblood thing. I know one could argue that she might be bi, but {imo} she just seems like a "straighter than an arrow" mare.
#1. Sequel, please. I need to know what happens next!
#2. Exceptional Clopfic. I'm glad someone can actually bring romance into a clop. They all seem like reading porn.
#3. Is it okay if I set a story in the same universe? I probably won't actually do much with your story, but I'd like to link to it for those who want more backstory in my fic.
685317
Thank you so much for the kind words :) Sorry for the late response, but you may absolutely use the same universe!
You know, I heard that in writing, you have to spell out numbers 1-100. DO NOT TRUST ME!
My intellect is only limited and does not know everything.
Also, it seems a little bit too fast. Yes you've got the part where you got all of the events down but, maybe you should go a liiiitle teeny tiny bit slower. Advice for this? Maybe try to put in some little details into those areas where it helps to make a better image of the scene.
Overall : 8/10 - The pace brings it down dramatically (as said before, too fast).
Don't get me wrong, it's still good.
Kudos to you!
2431382
I actually knew that rule, and am very conscious of it when I edit; this story was my first and was edited very loosely. I have sort of moved on from clop, although I have one more idea I wouldn't mind finishing. I'm currently working pretty hard on an adventure story with a friend going over the editing/revising instead of doing it all myself. I agree that the pacing of this was pretty quick, but when I was writing this I was thinking about how much I thought long, uneventful intros were boring for the other fics I was checking out to get an idea. I guess I was trying to be different.
Sorry to ramble, TL;DR, I appreciate the criticism, even so far from the time of writing this, and I think I've gotten better :)
SEQUEL SEQUEL SEQUEL SEQUEL SEQUEL
2451005
Funny, I just had an idea for a sequel. It's probably going to be a slow release though because my keyboard is broken...
Awesome
*swoons* this is how i want my wedding night to go!!! oy! where is my Rarity??!
LOL
that. was. MAGNIFICENT
That was wondertastic
I got a problem loved the story and we need a sequel but... raritys mane isn't blue it is purple come on people are you color blind lol