• Published 6th Apr 2014
  • 1,002 Views, 7 Comments

Cheese takes Manehattan - Lizziepad



Cheesy senses cause Cheese Sandwich to head to Manehattan.

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Rarity and her friend

Author's Note:

Sure do hope this turns out well.
And for people to be able to see, here's a quick sketch I did of Cheese Sandwich's Manehattan look: http://lizziepotatopad.deviantart.com/art/Manehattan-Cheese-445397953

Cheese Sandwich trotted along the streets of Manehattan
He looked up at a tall building, a puzzled look on his face.
“Am I in the right place?”
he took his business hat off and pulled out a list of cities in Equestria.
“let’s see… Ah, Manehattan!”
He tossed the hat back on his head and trotted along.
Cheese had dressed for the city, he wore his signature yellow shirt, but this time with a tie.
He also had his hair brushed back and wore a sort-of top hat.
He reached a sweets shop on a corner.
“Surely I can have a snack before checking in!”
He said as he trotted into the shop and waited in line.
He trotted in place as he looked around the shop and spotted a white mare with a purple mane drinking coffee..
He smiled as he realized he had met that mare.
“Hey, Rarity!”
Rarity was startled and spit out her drink all over another mare sitting across from her.
Cheese realized his mistake and pulled Boneless 2 out of his hat and placed it on the floor where he was standing.
“Keep my place in line, Boneless 2!”
He said staring at the rubber chicken before trotting over to help Rarity.
When he got over there rarity had already tried to clean up the other mare.
“I’m so sorry darling!”
“Oh, it’s quite fine, Rarity.”
The other mare smiled as she Rarity desperately tried to clean her off.
“No, I’m sorry,”
Cheese finally said.
“I shouldn’t have scared Rarity like that.”
Cheese hung his head in shame as the other mare looked up at him.
“Oh, it’s quite fine Mister…?”
“Cheese Sandwich!”
Cheese said as his head perked up and he smiled.
“Well, it’s nice to meet you Cheese,”
She gave a wave of her hoof to let Rarity know that she was no longer drenched in coffee.
“I’m Coco Pommel.”
She stuck out a hoof to Cheese.
“Nice to meet you miss Coco!”
Cheese met her hoof and shook violently.
Coco Pommel herself was shaking.
Cheese finally stopped and looked over at Rarity.
“So Rar, what are you up to in the fair city of Manehattan?”
“Well, Cheese, I’m here on a business trip! And Coco Pommel is my assistant.”
She took a sip of what was left of her coffee and looked back up at the brown stallion.
“And, what are you up to here in Manehattan, Cheese?”
Cheese put a hoof on his chest and had a look that seemed like he had just been crowned king.
“My Cheesy senses we’re tingling!”
“Cheesy senses?”
Coco Pommel repeated with a giggle.
“Why, yes!”
Cheese said as he suddenly remembered his place in line.
“Oh, uh, I’ll be right back!”
Cheese zoomed to the front of the line where Boneless 2 had been kicked.
“Hey! I’ll take a chocolate doughnut covered in sprinkles!”
The cheery stallion at the desk nodded and trotted into the kitchen.
A more grumpy stallion walked out right after him, mumbling to himself.
“You can go take a seat, sir.”
He said as he reached the desk.
“Sure thing sir!”
Cheese said cheerfully as he hopped back to the two mares.
Boneless 2 on his back.
“Hiya girls! Mind if I sit?”
Coco Pommel scooted over and made a hoof motion letting Cheese know he could sit there.
Cheese hoped right next to Coco, pushing her against the wall for a half second.
Rarity sipped her coffee once more and then looked at Cheese.
“So Cheese, what have you been up to?”
“Oh, you know, parties!”
“Oh really? That’s surprising…”
Rarity said sarcastically.
"It is?"
Cheese said as he was met with a eyeroll from Rarity.
“You throw parties?”
Coco Pommel said enthusiasm in her voice.
“Yes! All the time!”
“Well, did you know my birthday’s next week?”
Rarity spat out her coffee once more.
“I-It is?”
Rarity said right before she realized the two ponies she had been talking to were now soaked.
“Sweet Celestia! Again?”
She used some napkins to wipe the ponies off.
“No biggie, Rar!”
Cheese said, a huge grin on his face.
“It isn’t your fault Rarity.”
Coco said as she took the napkins from Rarity’s magic and started wiping Cheese Sandwich.
“And to answer your question, yes, my birthday is next week. and Cheese do you think you could pla-”
She was interrupted as the stallion next to her burst out laughing.
It was at least a minute until Cheese caught his breath and was able to talk.
“I’m sorry, Coco. That’s my ticklish spot.”
Cheese said, his face was almost entirely red.
Coco thought this was the most adorable thing in the world.
---
It was only when the owner of the shop told them it was closing time when they decided to leave.
So there they stood, three ponies, acting like they were drunk.
“Well, I oughta get to my hotel.”
Cheese said as Coco Pommel’s smile fell.
“It was nice seeing you Rarity. And meeting you Coco.”
He stuck out a hoof at Coco, and instead of being met with one, he was given a hug.
“This was fun Cheese!”
Coco unlatched herself to see Cheese Sandwich was, once again, blushing.
“So, what hotel are you staying at, maybe I can visit?”
Cheese didn’t reply.
“Cheese, darling?”
Rarity spoke for Coco Pommel.
“Oh, yeah. Sorry. I’m staying at the Horseshoe Hotel, just down the street!”
“Great!”
Coco smiled.
“Well, we must be going, I hope to see you later Cheese!”
Rarity said as her a Coco Pommel walked off.
“Bye!!”
Cheese waited until they were out of sight and then took off running.
He reached the hotel, got checked in, and quickly dashed up to his room.
He went inside and shut the door, his back up against it.
He slowly sunk down to the ground, his back still to the door
“Why did she have to be so cute…”

Comments ( 7 )

I'm suprised I haven't read much of Pommel. I hope to read more about her and Cheese as well. Background Characters need attention too:trixieshiftleft:. You've good a premise here too. Looking forward to how things turn out.:twilightsmile:

Looks interesting. :trixieshiftright:

Alternate title: A Fanfic About an Unpopular ship

I'll confess I'm not really into this pairing. I fear it could be one of those distasteful "put on a bus" methods of removing a plausible boyfriend so that another ship can sail free, but I sincerely believe that a good writer can potentially make me enjoy any pairing that they put their passion into. I also totally support Cheese Sandwich as having potential with other ponies. He is not beholden to Pinkie, nor is he destined to be with her, though I love seeing them paired together because they're so cute.

This is going into my read later list. :trollestia:

I note that I can be a harsh critic. While I give the benefit of the doubt, if I end up disappointed later, you'll know it. I am open-minded though, so I do intend to give this a chance. I just don't have time to read this today, so it'll be awhile if I do leave a response. :trixieshiftright:

I like this story :heart:but I dont like the shipping of these two :facehoof:
Ami rite or ami rite:duck:?

Boneless 2 holding Cheese's place in line was the best part of this story. :pinkiehappy:

I thought this was okay, but it would have been nice to see more of their interaction together. I don't mind him being instantly attracted to Coco, but beyond the revelation of Coco's birthday coming up soon, they really didn't say much here. In fact, I think hearing about her plans for her birthday should have been a priority, as it would have been a great way to introduce what she's like and to see how Cheese responded to her ideas. In general, getting to see a couple's chemistry in action is the secret to enjoying their relationship together. The tickling was cute but it had no impact (also knowing the details of where he was ticklish would have added to the realism.) Plus, it would be nice to get to know more about Coco Pommel. Although we know a fair bit about Cheese from his introduction, and can guess at a fair bit more thanks to Pinkie, we don't really know Coco, beyond her original position as Suri's assistant, her potential shyness, and her integrity when inspired to stand up for herself. One can guess she is like Fluttershy, but there isn't much information to compare and contrast between them (we at least have some of Cheese's history, for instance, and his different take on being a party pony to compare to Pinkie Pie.) So getting to know Coco better is all up to the writer.

For that matter, why was he even questioning that he was in Manehattan? He lived there before. It's not as if he'd confuse it for anywhere else, no matter how much it changed since his childhood or exactly how his Cheesy Sense informs him of where to go. I could understand if he was uncertain about finding the pony that he needed to, but not where he was. In addition, it would've been nice to see the other ponies in line react to him when he left it and when he jumped back in (though I did really like him taking Boneless 2 being kicked to the front as the sign that it was his turn to order something. But I feel that adding in the reactions of the other customers still waiting in line, whatever that may have been, would have made the joke twice as good.)

Rarity was also kind of underwhelming here (why did she do all those spit takes? None of it seemed that surprising.) I also don't know why he was calling her Rar. While I like the idea of him recognizing her, and being friendly with Rarity in general, it needed some explanation. He only interacted with her once directly in canon and while I could see him taking her enthusiasm towards him as a sign they were friends, I don't know that he'd start calling her by a nickname, unless she asked him to. Her friends don't really use any nicknames for her, if I remember correctly, so I don't think she'd be prone to ask. While it's possible Cheese may just do it out of instinct, it's kind of strange for him to call her something that he made up and didn't hear anyone else say to her at any point when he was around her. He didn't do that with Rainbow Dash and he helped throw a whole big party for her, at her request. :unsuresweetie:

In general, it's not bad. Kind of bare bones, but decent. I liked the idea of them meeting in a doughnut shop and the idea of Rarity being there at the time, it just needed more details and fleshing out. As it stands, none of them feel quite like real people, but you just need to give them more depth. Rarity has a ton from the cartoon itself, so she should be the easiest. Cheese has a good amount. For him, you can extrapolate some more and make up the rest easily enough. Coco is kind of close to background pony territory, but you just need to make up your own history, interests, and motivations for her. Build her character up like you would any OC (most non-Mane ponies pretty much are) and you'll have a lovely ship to sail in. :trollestia:

There is actually a CocoSandwich fic on this site!? This is going to be good!:pinkiehappy:

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