The Wizard's Feast will be the first day Luna has seen her sister in weeks, and they have a lot to talk about.
Edit - I will revise this some time after the contest.
Chapters (1)
- Member Since 21st Feb, 2013
- offline last seen Jan 15th, 2020
DH7
Sometimes I take a good, long look at this fandom and contemplate about having gone down the wrong rabbit hole. Why, oh why did I not take the blue pill?
DH7
Joined 21st Feb, 2013 ·
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Pinkie and Celestia. Huh. As... unexpected, as that particular detail was, as well as the following overload to my logic-device (AKA: brain-pan) from attempting to figure out how that relationship would work, I enjoyed this quite a bit. I'm always up for some TwiLuna fluffiness.
(Spoiler'd because the first few comments like this can ruin someone's desire to read a story pretty easily)
"I've managed for a thousand years. I can certainly manage a few weeks."
ouch. nice tact.
Hello there, if anyone of you know me by now. You'll know why I'm here.
Fucking TwiLuna garbage bullshit fucking pairing. Fuck all TwiLuna writers, fuck them all. I will murder their entire family in front of their eyes before I proceed to disembowel their intestines as they drift in and out of consciousness. Fuck them all, and fuck you. P.S it's bad for your eyes to read small prints.
Not a bad story, quite cute and drunk Twilight is always a plus. The PieLestia could have done with a little more explanation though. As it is, it just seems like random Pinkie silliness for the sake of it.
4166317
Because you're an idiot that likes to spam people stories with hate filled comments for no other reason than a general dislike for the TwiLuna pairing?
I could see the Pinkie and Celestia, but that's because I remember reading Twice as Bright, which was the most lovely, convincing Cellypie I've seen.
Also, the scene where Luna accidentally makes the night sky incredible was just incredibly touching. This was very good!
4166477 Fine, I admit. That was a very stupid move of me. You'll never hear from me again.
Good day.
Now I'm not going to be able to think of Starswirl the Bearded without giving him an Irish accent.
Cute and fluffy, with a bucketful of adorable little scenes. It does need a good proofread - a few punctuation issues here, subject-verb agreement there - but that doesn't detract from the warm fuzzies. Thumbs up!
Nice, I like this.
My only complaint is the massive blocks of dialogue with no indication of who's talking. It's okay when there's just two in the conversation but at three, I get lost.
4167084
I need to go back to high-school. I had someone look over it, but only for another set of eyes. The guy really isn't any more versed in grammar than I am.
4167563
I try to take a minimalistic approach to speech tags, but if character voice isn't enough of an indicator for some people, then I've shaved them off too much.
I'll go back and change this once the forum contest is over. As of right now, adding anything would put me over the word-count limit. On that same note, this is the last time I'm participating in a contest with a 5k limit.
4166595
That's one of my favorite fics . . . and definitely one of my favorite authors.
I want to take a crack at the pairing myself some time, but my decision here was largely for kicks, shits, and giggles. I thought that, perhaps, a 5k fic where they're only a minor side-pairing, exempted me from the burden of actually having to explain that shiz-nit. XD
4166317
I'm actually very interested in your dislike of the pairing. Is it general apathy, or is there a reason?
I wasn't much interested in the pairing at all until I read a couple of adventure-romance fics. I was more interested in Twi/Pie until I read Cloudy Skies "Within and Without". There's a lot of potential in the fact that Luna is an age-old goddess.
She can be far more complicated than what we see of her. The way I've seen her depicted, she can even be wrathful and scary. It was the depiction of Twilight as both being clever and bold enough to stand up to such a being, that has me so interested in the pairing.
Granted, none of that is really in this little 5k fic. I touch upon their age difference, but I didn't really have time to do what I really want to do with this pairing.
--
Ironically, your favorite ship is probably my least favorite ship. It's pretty obvious to me that it's a one-sided, boy-hood crush. Rarity definitely cares for him . . . there's legitimate love there, but not that kind of love. If she did return his affections, that would make her a pedophile.
Still, I don't like saying that a paring doesn't work, I'd much rather find a way to make it work. If it were me writing that pairing, Spike would have to be aged up . . . past the age of a teenager.
This still presents a few problems. The first is that Rarity is still likely to see him as a kid. Even if she were to find him attractive as he got older, I would think that she would be reluctant to act on that, fighting an almost maternal need to protect someone she loves, that she has trouble seeing as an adult.
The second problem, is actually Spike's child-hood infatuation. He needs to be able to see Rarity without the silver-rimmed goggles. He needs to see her as a fallible equal, even be capable of hating her. Only then, would I consider him able to love her as a man/Stallion/whatever the fuck an adult, make Dragon is called.
Third? By the time Spike is an Adult, or old enough to be considered one, he's probably going to be freaking huge, in more ways than one. We've seen teen-aged dragons . . . and Spike is not a teen-aged dragon. I don't expect him to be quite as large as the adult dragons that they've encountered, but still much, much larger than any pony.
I'm kind of a Spike/Sweetie shipper (Probably hate me even more now) and this doesn't bode well for that ship's future either. I like Spike/CMC ships, but they've got me trying to come up solutions for the problem of an adult relationship. The only thing that I can manage to come up with, is magic.
Then again, some people like some of the ships I dislike, BECAUSE of the reasons that I don't.
IINice! I liked it keep up the good work!
4167628 Yeah it's okay, Sparity isn't my favourite ship but it's more of a head canon thing like you said, a crush.
And also, I'm not against SweetieXSpike shipping. Although it's questionable how Sweeite would accept Spike.
As for my general hatred against everything TwiLuna, it's that my head canon and official canon is TwiFlash.
( Also, it's vomit inducing whenever I see(not read)
a TwiLuna fic. I mean there's are so much better choices of shipping some pony with Luna. Lunashy is one. It's a cuteness overload. This can also be attributed to reading more TwiLestia fics so my head canon also demands that too.
Lastly, I apologise for my idiotic behavior. As I was from a forum that is watched by Nazi moderators who will ban you for the most simplest mistake, my behavior from that forum might have continued on on FiMFiction.
Have a nice day.
4170589
Idiotic behavior? I love a good shipping debate, so no harm done, friend.
I have to admit, my personal hatred of Equestria Girls makes it very hard for me to ship Twi/Flash. I'd like to think that I can ship just about anyone with enough effort , , , I just really have a hard time going with Hasbro's efforts in competing with 'Monster High' and presenting the Mane Six as HighSchool Students. That really isn't fair to Flash. I should be able to accept him just the same as any other love interest in a fanfic.
Anyway, I suppose I'm more of a 'fluffy' writer than anything else, and this proves it, but I will condemn anything that's a 'cuteness overload' and nothing else. A real story needs conflict, not two characters spouting pet-names at each other.
4166317
Hey, dude. That's not cool. I'm not a fan of the pairing either; in fact, I'm not even going to read the story. But guess what: I'm not going to leave a downright insulting comment or a dislike because of that.
Edit: You already apologized. My bad. Carry on.
About halfway through you mistyped the italics-thing, so the second half of the story is entirely in italics.
Nice story though!
4177526
Fixed. Thank you. I don't know why I didn't notice it, and I'm surprised someone hadn't pointed it out already.
Very nice story.
Great TwiLuna.
4341285
I think there's a pokemon reference in there somewhere.
I'm still debating on whether or not I should expand this a bit; before, I couldn't go outside of a 5k limit. I've expanded the 'Nightmare Mirror' scene, but I'm also debating getting rid of it.
There's a prologue scene that depicts Luna Celestia arguing, but it was mostly written by my brother. I had originally meant for Celestia trolling Luna and Twilight some more, but my brain came up empty. Lastly, I think the conversation between Luna and Celestia, was, perhaps, anti-climactic.
I should have had it edited by someone other than my brother, but adhering to a deadline meant that I would have to do things ass-backwards. Now that I've lost the contest, I'm going to focus my energy on revising it, having a couple of people look at it, and ten try to get it in Twilight's Library.
4341490 All the more reason for me to keep tabs on your group. I may seek your advice when the revised version is finished.
The story is not bad
4602145
I don't think 'not bad' is good enough for a favorite. I don't favorite everything I enjoy. I might hit 'like' on a story that I more-or-less enjoyed more than hated. Favorites are more of a commitment that stay on your profile.
4602897 So did you check out my story yet?
4604008
I've read the part where the Cobblepots are introduced . . . so, basically just the first few paragraphs. I'm going to have to wait until I'm not in the middle of another story before I can finish, or else I'm going to be too distracted.
4604244 Alright then and it's Cobblewing
4604250
Whoops.
That just emphasizes my point.
Reading too fast, absorbing barely anything.
4604253 Well Cobblewing is the ponified version of Cobblepot
4166693 try imagining him with Morgan Freeman's voice
4717967
That sounds strangely close to something I said on a another fanfiction site . . .
Dammit, Pinkie. Way to wreck the tension.
I must say like how you portray Celestia in this - wise and kind but also mischievous, totally not above teasing Luna and Twilight but staying completely cool about it the whole time.
Over-all, this was a good story, though I thought the conclusion felt somewhat weak in proportion to the buildup. I expected it to be more emotional, I guess. Also, there are some pretty obvious typos here and there, you should fix those.
4802054
Your not the only person to have said something about the ending. I'm thinking of expanding on that, as well as actually depicting the argument between Celestia and Luna.
I was arrogant enough to think that I had managed to write this with all but a few typos/grammatical errors. I hate to say it, but even after going through this again, I don't think I should trust myself.
I actually spent a few hours on it, was quite surprised, myself. It's just too bad the browser window screwed up on me.
I'm actually kind of of surprised that you even read this.
4802158
I think what bothers me is that Luna doesn't seem to get the catharsis she clearly needs. I don't quite think they should actually have argued about it, but Luna needs a release from her anxiety. I wanted her to break down in tears, or tell Celestia she doesn't deserve Twilight, something like that. Because the one Luna is really afraid of letting down is herself, not her sister.
You do this thing where you apparently start a sentence, change your mind halfway, then forget to delete one of the words:
I think there were a few more, but I'm not in the right mind to find them. Anyway, errors like those are tricky since they aren't typos, so spellcheckers just skip right over them.
Well, your post in the moral themes thread got me curious.
4802303
Writing that without sounding melodramatic is going to be a challenge for me, but it's something to think about, and at least attempt. The worst thing that could happen is that I might fail.
That's probably the most in-depth thing anyone has ever said about the poor ending, including the review-tag games I occasionally participate in.
I'm not one to expect any reader to play proofreader. Just the knowledge that they are there, and the kind of errors that are there, is more than enough. You have my thanks.
Well, seeing as I've conversed with you a bunch, I figured I'd take a look at your stories.
Or, as it would seem, story, singular.
I think this is an example of a story where a secondary ship hurts it; every time you put in a ship, you have to sell it to the audience, and this story works on selling Luna x Twilight to us, but it doesn't work on selling Celestia x Pinkie, and as such, the latter pairing is very jarring and feels thrown in at the end. This is always a danger with throwing in extra ships, and is why LyraBon and OctaScratch and Shining Armor x Cadance are so frequently used in the beta couple role - they're pretty much universally accepted and, in the last case, actually canon.
Every divergence from canon is something which pushes on the reader's suspension of disbelief, and I think Celestia x Pinkie Pie is a very "out there" ship to begin with - even further out there than a random M6xM6 ship.
So I think that hurt the story a bit.
The other problem I had, though, was that we got a bunch of sources of conflict and then they all lead to anticlimaxes - we had Rarity and Spike walking in on them, which then lead to an anticlimax as it didn't really matter (and in fact, the fact that they were together and Spike saw them wasn't really addressed at all). Then we had them at the table, and it becoming increasingly obvious that Celestia was teasing them... and then Celestia walked off, leading to another anticlimax.
That's not good! You're building up tension and then not doing anything with it. When you finally resolve things, it is obvious it doesn't really matter and as such the climax and resolution don't feel that satisfying.
The story on the whole is not poorly written, though - the prose is quite serviceable. But the course of the plot, the pacing and the engagement curve, don't work.
You should write more stuff, though - while this story had some issues, I think you have potential.
4843616
Far more in-depth concrit than what I could get from the review-tag game over at WA. I thank you for the feedback. I plan on revising this thing . . . eventually, and every bit helps.
I am writing other stories, but I'm keeping the drafts on my computer until I actually complete something. My first fan-fic was in an anime fandom, and I quickly learned that I have no business trying to post chapters before I have a completed fic.
I knew I was taking a risk with Pinkie/Celestia, even if I meant for it to be a 'WTF?' moment, it doesn't work if it comes off as jarring, rather than humorous. I think I felt more comfortable trying something like this in a one-shot, but I can't say that I'm not writing other side-ships that are going to make some people cringe. I've got Rarijack in another fic, and I know damn well that's going to earn me some downvotes.
In any case, you've given me some things to mull over.
4843691
Well, if you're going to sideship with the mane six, RariJack and AppleDash are the safest choices; the show's creators love writing Rarity and Applejack together, and Applejack and Rainbow Dash end up together a lot in episodes and are one of the most popular ships (RariJack is probably third or fourth these days in terms of mane six ships). TwiDash and FlutterDash are also probably acceptable; you could probably get away with Flarity or PinkieDash as well.
The problem is every step you take is more dangerous, and it is all about making it feel natural and something that the readers won't question. It is very easy to just slide AppleDash or RariJack in because we already know how they act towards each other and you don't actually have to make THAT big of an adjustment to have them be together romantically in terms of character interaction. TwiDash, FlutterDash, and PinkieDash all require much larger deviations, while Flarity suffers from the problem that it can easily end up too lovey-dovey.
Basically, what you do with them shouldn't pull the reader away from the story. It is very easy for things to be jarring, and putting characters in unusual situations - and that includes a relationship - is an easy source of damage to suspension of disbelief. The more you have the characters act outside of how they behave in canon, the more likely you are to pull someone out of your story.
The important question is why you're doing what you're doing, and whether or not what you're doing is going to contribute to the story and fits naturally into it or will appear out of nowhere and blindside the reader. I've noticed that doing this sort of thing works best if we clearly establish the characters behaving in character right off the bat - that is to say, that the first actions that we see from the shipped characters are wholly in-character, as this seems to reassure the reader that the characters are, in fact, in character and makes it an easier sell. This, I think, again contributes to why AppleDash and RariJack are relatively easy side-ships to pull off - the characters can easily transition into being in a relationship without changing large amounts of their behavior towards each other (both pairings can still easily tease each other or bicker a bit or bounce off each other in fairly standard ways).
I don't think side-shipping really causes many downvotes so much as jarring side-shipping does - basically, when you have two characters together without selling it to the reader, it can come off to easily as (insert pairing here) OTP or THEY ARE TOTALLY TOGETHER or whatever. Who We Are is a good example of a story which suffers for the sideship - kits basically came off as just randomly sticking Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash together for no reason at all at the start of the story. Sure, the story is still solid enough, and there is actually a reason that they did it (though I think they could have done it in a different manner), but it would be a better story if it hadn't been so jarring.
Good luck with your other writing; if you do get close to finished with one of your other stories and need an editor, feel free to give me a poke and I'll see about what I can do to help out.
4843902
I'm really far too reckless to consider what's safe, even for a fic that I've been working on since the beginning of last year, but it's good to know that I'm probably not arming a nuke with this one.
I've been working off of a loose outline, but I'm never quite sure what I'm going to end up doing between 'Point A' and 'Point B'. Writing RariJack into a TwiLuna fic was something that I simply decided to do because I noticed that I had them interacting an awful lot.
Careful there, I might just hold you to that.
The Pinkie Pie/Celestia pairing is... jarring, in how completely it popped out of nowhere. I don't dislike the pairing, but it almost completely knocked aside the tension you had built up for the non-existent conversation between Twilight, Luna, and Celestia.
Nonetheless, I enjoyed the story, and now head off to find more TwiLuna.
5170233
You're not the only one to have said as much. I threw it in for comedy, but if people's initial reaction is that it's jarring, rather than funny, then I'm doing it wrong. Just one of the many things that's going to be on my mind once I finally get around to revising it.
If you're a TwiLuna fan, I'd highly recommend Within and Without, Apotheosis, and Aurora, but you've probably already heard of them.
5171082 I need only to brace myself and wade out into my "Read Later" list, which is soon to burst out of my computer and flood my house.
5171109
I've got over a hundred on my list, and intend on reading it all. I just haven't had any time lately.
Oh my gosh, I'm dying of laughter...!
This story, I... I can't even start to describe. It. It's effects. Anything. Wow, just... wow. It was short, it was well-paced, it was hilariously funny, it was cute, it... was just 'wow'. There is a smile on my face right now, this persistent sort of a grin you can't dismiss, even if you'd summon all your willpower. And it just keeps on trying to split my face in half.
This is definitely something worth recommending. To everything. And everyone. And everypony.
... dancing lessons...
Thank you!
PS.: This should get WAY more attention than it got until now...!
5351787
I'm glad you liked it. I'm currently in the process of revising it. It's taking longer than a one-shot probably should, and I'm eager to get back to some of my longer projects, but I'm a little obsessive. This was done for a contest, didn't make it into Twilight's Library, and I've always felt that this was rushed.
5352563
It didn't feel rushed to me... then again, that's probably a point one can argue about. Did this rejection came with reasons? Those would be interesting to hear... or, read.
5352705
I'm not sure that I've changed it yet, as I'm a little fuzzy one what revisions I've made to what versions, but the reviewer saw Twilight as a bit OOC. The way I had it written, it seemed like Luna was freaking out more than Twilight about Rarity showing up and Twilight wanting to stay in bed made her appear lazy, neither of which were my intention. I've re-worded it a bit so that Twilight is clearly having a panic attack, and there's a bit more explanation as to why she's not early-to-rise.
The reviewer also didn't think the story was focused enough on humor to warrant the 'comedy' tag, stating that before anything legitimately funny we get this 'strange drama scene' which I'm assuming is referring to Luna's argument with her reflection.
Apparently I have a bit more proofreading to do, and my ending is very weak. Many seem to also feel that the secondary pairing is more jarring than funny, and I'm currently writing in another scene with Pinkie meeting Celestia as she arrives in Ponyville in the hopes of making it a bit more plausible to readers.
I think the most difficult piece of concrit to tackle is one where a reviewer said that I have a habit of building up tension and then letting it evaporate.
5354095
Non of these reasons really counts as a 'lightweight'... wow. Maybe I'm not strict enough or this version fixed already a lot of those points, but to be honest... I can't see it. Anything of it.
Luna hasn't got enough on-screen-time yet to be a fully developed, complex character. There's still a lot of creative space for writers. And although Twi isn't lazy, I wouldn't have thought that of her just because she sleeps in. For two simple reasons. The first one would be, that, given this is her first relationship and she really, really, really enjoys it, this can lead to such 'uncharacteristic decisions'. Sometimes, even the best hard-working ethic has to kneel down before simple enjoyment. Then, the second reason would be even more obvious: Twilight loves the night. Especially working during it. Studying. Reading. Writing. Stargazing. No one ever said when she regularly goes to bed. Could be around midnight, sure - could also be around five. And she has to sleep a couple of hours eventually. Her complete rhythm is just a different one from anypony else. Or at least, I can imagine it being that way.
The tags. That comedy-tag belongs where it already is. I simply can't agree with that point. This story is hilariously funny. And the mirror-scene? Well. Could've been to intentionally disrupt the flow so that the reader doesn't get accustomed to smiling, laughing and shaking his head all the time. Could also be a little 'insert sequel-potential here'-sign, something to build on in other stories later on. It could probably be seen in many ways and I don't think it... bothers me. At all.
Building up tension and letting it evaporate? Yeah, well... that's another point I just don't seem to get. At least to me, it felt well-paced and well-written, I didn't get frustrated at any point. As for the proofreading, I can't say much about that. Or I shouldn't. English isn't my native language and I still struggle to write comments, feeling uneasy using a language I'm not that familiar with. Apparently, I can transport my thoughts well enough so others get the idea of what I'm trying to say, but I'm far from being able to 'play' with it in any creative way, write my own stories or criticize others for their mistakes.
Pinkie. Heh. Yeah. Didn't saw that one coming. I thought it was funny, though. Not as hilarious as other parts, but still funny. Like Luna herself has put it: Of all the mares in Equestria... her?! I think Pinkie is a hard character to write, but also to read and to comprehend - that is, if one is actually able to do so in the first place. She's a sweet one, but hasn't got as much fans as, let's say, Rainbow. She has her antics, which can get pretty annoying, she has her own way of speaking, stuff like that. I think this got criticized due to her being unexpected at that point and in this situation, and due to... how to put it? A certain lack of appreciation for her being. At least, that's what I can imagine.
But... I liked it. I liked that one could read through everything, laugh and giggle and smile and when that part came, I just had to stop, read it again, sitting here with my dumb smile, my first reaction being a stupid '... huh...!', before another grin spread. It really came out of the blue. No hint, no mentioning, and... I appreciated it. In some way, it just showed that Celestia has her own life and that she's waaay better at keeping it secret. I thought of it as a cute little addition.
But then again, as I already said, that's just my point of view.
I......I need MOAR!
5523889
It's a one-shot, and I never planned on expanding on this story but eventually i'm going to revise it, as I'm not satisfied with it, and I think it needs another scene to make the whole Pinkie/Celestia thing more plausible, among other things.
I've got a few projects that I've been working on in the background for a couple of years now. The largest and most complex being another TwiLuna fic, this one being romance/adventure.
5524515 Well I still love the story either way. so good job. and I'll be following you for more TwiLuna.
5524515 me thinks revising would be wise and perhaps expanding that ending it seems kind of abrupt